relationship difficulties

[Merfairy]

Hi, I didn't realise there was a relationship forum; I am struggling with my relationship as we are either getting on well or so far apart we may as well be enemies. I fear this is impacting on my baby girl as she must pick up on things when they are wrong I am sure. I am also stressed because I had to go back to work and my OH said if I didn't he would leave me, and I find it so so hard leaving my baby, I really do. I have been back at work for 7 weeks and it isn't getting any easier as she gets stressy when I go. I leave her with my mum and my mum is fine; I know she is safe, but I am just finding it so hard. I am also pregnant again and feel that she might be picking up on that as well.

A side from my baby girl; I am having difficulties with my OH as in when we fight I am either bi polar, or manic, or depressed; or suicidal. He says these things to me all the time and will call me mad sometimes, it is destroying me if I am honest. I cannot remember the last time I smiled and I feel anxious most of the time now. I am quite unhappy with him and him being a mental health nurse means he uses that card all the time; I work in mental health to, but I keep my stuff in the work place he comes home and tells me things; I really don't want to hear about his clients and there lives it just stresses me out.

I have spoke to the doctor and health visitor about my situation and they feel it is unhealthy and admitted it sounds abusive, but I cannot seem to find the strength to leave my OH. He has money in the bank and I don't and he threatened to take custody of our baby if I leave him and said he would use the mental health card in court

Since he said these things in a row some weeks ago, I cannot move on from what he said. I feel devastated that he would be so nasty... he said he would take her to spite me... then on the other hand when we are getting on he will say 'I only say those things cos they wind you up...'

I feel so sad sometimes and I just don't know what to do when things get tough. I have started ignoring him and I will sleep away from him if things are that bad; I have also gone of sex with him recently... which could be to do with pregnancy which also means I am hormonal..

How does one find the strength to leave someone who you think you love, but when they are hurting you; you just want to be away from them.. !!

From a stressed mummy of a beautiful baby girl.. x

 

[lisey27]

Hiya,

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this...secondly, I was shocked to read this. How can the father of your children be so mean? It sounds very abusive, manipulative and controlling. He would leave you if you didnt go back to work?
I left someone many years back who was emotionally abusive (made little comments about weight and looks etc-I am not overwight but he planted little seeds of insecurities). I left him as I knew it was no good for my son, my son gave me the strength to leave him, it was hard cos i thought I loved him but it wasnt love, it was fear-he had made me feel worthless and like nobody else would want me etc. He also used to say the custody thing-realistically thats not how courts work, you can't just say "I'm a mental health worker and she is unstable". It just wouldnt happen so don't worry that he can simply get custody.
Men that accuse you of being "mad", "paranoid" etc are deflecting, he is turning the attention away from him being wrong.
Again, I am sorry to read you are going through this, you say you have spoke to the doctor and health visitor-can they not offer you some support? x

 

[Merfairy]

Hi, oh I have been thinking about a programme they offer but I have't found it in me to access it; I keep hoping things will improve but I am sure they are getting worse. He just has a pop at me for so many faults I feel like I am just wrong all the time. I do try and stand my ground but it falls on deaf ears and he just catches what I say and drops it. I wish I could do that... I am just so worn out at the moment and feel a mess.. I will find the strength but I may take a few more knocks before I actually go and I am so worried about miscarrying I cannot move forward until I know how things are xx Thankyou for reply

 

[tabbi]

oh hunni he shouldnt be doing this to you. he's not worth bothering with if he treats you that way. And he wont get custody of your daughter as the courts grant it to the mum unless it can be physically proven that you have mental health problems.
they wouldnt test you anyway as your pregnant and it affects your mind with the hormones.
best thing to do hunni, is on the sly get a solictor and ask for a residency order once granted go home and kick him out then if he trys take her you can ring the police then for abduction.
hunni, if you want leave him, leave him its that simple do the best for you and the kids not him. x x x

 

[Kayelle]

How awful sadly we have had a thread similar recently . I hope you find the strength to leave!

 

[littlemiss83]

Hey hun

I'm so sorry you're going through this. He should be supporting you while you are pregnant & not making things worse. Name calling (calling you bi-polar ect) is totally out of order & it is emotional abuse. Its bullying.

You might not NEED to leave him. If you are strong enough to have a proper serious chat & tell him you wont put up with it, no matter if it is in the heat of an argument. If you cant have a serious chat, i'd write out a letter.

Yes, maybe he is just saying the nastiest things to win the argument or whatever, but at the end of the day its not acceptable, he knows that, which is why he already has an excuse. You need to tell him that it doesn't matter what context the words are said in. You will not tollerate it.

TBH it worries me that your OH works within mental health.

good luck


xxxxxxxxx