Ready to throw in the towel

[Salley]

OH and I have btnp since May 2014, monitoring temps and such since May 2016.. as of late all I hear are complaints and excuses not to dtd. I don't know if OH no longer wants to get pregnant or if his complaints are genuine, needless to say baby making has become a sore subject in our home. I'm ovulating today and asked OH about dtd this morning and got yelled at with "I'm in pain and all you care about is me me me" but last I checked this journey is for US not me... I feel distant and discouraged. It's bad enough we haven't been successful for all this time, now it's like I'm trying alone. Unfortunately getting pregnant isn't something I can do on my own.. just needed to vent about this.. idk where to go from here.

 

[Donna88]

I don't know what to say, but didn't want to read and run.

Maybe you need to sit him down and tell him how you're feeling, explain that obviously you thought this was what you both wanted and yes you do care about him and if he's in pain... but at the same time there are limited times when you can dtd. Maybe you both just need to reconnect with each other, you've been trying for quite a while and sometimes that can take over your relationship.


Sorry I can't be any help or offer any better advice than that

 

[LuckyLaura]

Im sorry salley. Sending big virtual hugs xx

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[treetrunks]

I think ive had the same problem before with my oh, we used to Dtd every single day without fail for the purpose mainly of ttc. It really got boring and chore like because I used to get annoyed if he didn't want to.
I blew my top one month because he didn't want to on OV day! I didn't speak to him for 2 days! I was absolutely fuming! Because of all the effort I felt we had put into it and then the most important day he doesn't want to?!?!!!
I think now we probably dtd still most days but I dont pressure it and I certainly dont tell oh anymore which day OV is!! I make out im not bothered.
It's not easy trying to keep dtd passionate when there's so much pressure to conceive really and the disappointment also ruins things when AF makes her appearance.
Im not sure about the solution to this one unfortunately xx

 

[Sk8erzeh]

I understand how you feel Salley. We all need to vent every now and then because this journey can be frustrating and exhausting over time. I had a crappy day as well yesterday. I tried to explain to my OH how I was feeling and he snapped at me, saying he doesn't even believe I know what I want coz I'm "moaning all the time". I'm approaching ovulation and I don't know whether to bring up DTD or not. I'm with you in feeling alone and lost.
Hang in there and maybe try not to mention ovulation, ttc etc to your hubby. It might be less stressful for him dtd when he doesn't know you're ovulating
Good luck hun

 

[Salley]

Thank you ladies! I think I need to be ok with the idea of not getting pregnant, take the pressure off myself too. I appreciate you listening to me vent and offering console. This is why I love these forums!


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[UpseyDaisy]

I'm sure it's an emotional roller-coaster for him too. What about a bit of spontaneity? Some new underwear or what floats ur boat. Go on a date night, have a few drinks. I know my husband wud be put off by sex on demand. I really hope u can both work through things. Good luck x

 

[Salley]

I tried dressing up in lingerie a few nights ago and got a similar response.. I don't mean for it to be demanding, he's asked me to tell him when it's "go time" but the mood about the whole process has shifted. We are rarely intimate even outside my fertile windows.. I suppose I need to woman up and have a talk with him, see if we are still on the same page and how we should approach all of this. I do have to say I think it's a little unfair when I'm tracking my temperatures and bodily fluids and all he has to do is make a deposit at the right time. His portion of work in this matter is minor but incredibly vital. But as I mentioned before I think I need to be ok with not getting pregnant so it's not so heart wrenching every month AF arrives.


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[holli]

I think you both need to sit down and have a heart to heart I know it's frustrating and disappointing each month when af shows (we've been trying since Feb last year) and some times it does feel like sex is just a chore and not for good fun loving, may I ask why is oh is pain? I hope everything turns out ok xx

 

[_GG_]

Salley, bless you, I totally want to come and give you a massive hug.

Honestly, I think you could both do with taking a step back from this for a month or two. Take babies off the cards and be reminded that you are both the sum of more than a potential baby. You are you, together because you love each other and trying for a baby can muddy that for a while.

Also, we can get so caught up in how it all is for us, it can be easy to forget the impact it can have on men when it's not working and they are just not usually as good at talking about it if they are feeling down about it all. When my OH is stressed about anything, dtd is the last thing on his mind and no amount of sexy undies or trying to arouse him will help so I don't even bother. I don't want him to pester me when I'm not in a good place for it and he never has, so I won't ask him to do anything he isn't up for or worry about it too much. I worry more that he's not in a good place and try to work on that.

So, my advice, honestly...take him out for a nice meal or cook something nice at home. Tell him straight off the mark that sex is off the table, you just want to spoil him for a night, go to bed and spoon until you fall asleep. Tell him he can talk to you about anything and you're in this together, so would he like to take a break for a month or two? Hopefully he'll open up a little but either way, just giving him the clarity that you have no expectations of the night might help him relax and give you both a chance to be close and rebuild that bond without the pressure of sex or babies.

Best of luck to you. I really hope you can both have a good chat about it all xxx

 

[Bexta123]

Hi Hun
Yeah maybe take sex out of the equation for a little while. Just spend some quality time together the both of you & re connect ..whether it's just a night in on the sofa with films & a takeaway!

I'm sure he is probably just as frustrated at you are & maybe he feels like he can't give you something you really want (for now) ..but you are bound to feel disheartened every month don't feel bad for being upset.
X

 

[Sunflower1]

I've gone through some of this with my OH. Definitely have a heart to heart...keep communicating. It may be he is taking responsibility for you not getting pregnant yet or feeling like a failure (men have weird responses!)...you don't know what is going on for him. For a long time I felt I was doing all the hard work, but then I found my OH was quietly reading up on fertility, doing detoxes, losing weight, giving up sugar and also feeling frustrated and anxious... I get super frustrated when ovulating. Talk about it. And try to make time for intimacy without sex. Sex can get very boring when it's all about baby making. Find a way to reconnect.

 

[anon123]

I've definitely been here and it's the hardest situation ever. I remember I felt ugly not wanted and totally depressed about the whole thing then only time we did was to ttc and it took the spark away and we were both feeling so awkward. But just communicate and maybe take a step back. I stopped opks and stopped asking him and tried to make him feel wanted for more than a baby.its tough for the guys too isn't it girls? It's easy to forget they feel demasuclated with all the ttc shit!

 

[Salley]

Yes I've decided I'm going to take a break from baby making so the pressure is off both of us. I haven't had a conversation with OH because I'm concerned it's still a sore subject and want to give it a few days before I gauge where he's at in the ttc journey. I've been more affectionate toward him and appreciating his presence, I even helped relieve some of his pain with a massage tool.

I don't remember who asked, but his pain is multi faceted.. he has TMJ and recently had dental work done, he's also pulled his groin in the past and we've had a lot of rain lately and the low pressure is making his aches and pains worse. I forget how tough he is and even though I'm sure he's in immense pain he doesn't show it so I partly didn't believe it, which was negligent of me. Again I appreciate all of you for chiming in and giving me advice to get through this. A break definitely seems like the right choice right now. Sending hugs to all of you and wishing you the best on your ttc journeys.


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