i feel scared and overwhelmed - update

[Andrianne]

I posted this in the first trimester section but thought i'd also post it here and ask those who've already become mummies

My pregnancy was not planned. I'd say the timing is wrong

I'm still struggling with my feelings and they seem to change every hour which is affecting my decision

I feel so scared and so overwhelmed by everything. So many changes in my life, will I be able to cope? Will I regret it? Will I regret deciding to continue this pregnancy?

Am I complete enough to have a baby? Or do I want the baby to complete my life? Am I ready? How do I know if I'm ready?

I know most of you were in long-term relationships and you were actually trying for a baby so you probably didn't experience any of that

But is there anyone that had similar feelings when they found out they were pregnant? Is it normal or a cause for concern?

I'm 6 weeks today. And I will need to make a decision soon. I've always thought that when it happened, it'd be a happy thing in my life, not struggling to make a decision

Any feedback/ advice is appreciated

thank you

 

[Happybunny]

I have not been in this situation, but I can appreciate how difficult it must be, I wanted to give you some of these...

There are more people than you think on here who had an unplanned pregnancy, I am sure they will have lots of advice.

 

[Urchin]

My first was totally unplanned, I was living in Thailand, living a life in paradise, working as a scuba instructor!
The first thing we did was get on a boat to the mainland to get a termination. I'd only met my fella a few months before in Israel, he'd never even been to England, let a lone met my parents. I felt like I'd messed everything up and needed to fix it by having a termination.

At the very last minute we went to the clinic and I found I just couldn't it. We sat and cried on the pavement outside and decided to move to England and get married and make a go of it.
I've never regretted it for a minute, my son was born and he brought so much joy to my life! When people tell you about having a baby everyone tells you about the hard work and the sleepless nights.
No-one tells you about the JOY of having a baby in your life...you can't describe it!
Hope you are OK, I have totally been there so know how you feel

 

[LilysMummy]

Hi there

My LO wasnt planned and I was in denial the first week I had just started a new job and I would have to tell them. My fiance was between jobs, not how as a little girl I had planned it! Then we had the convosation and I knew I couldnt have a termination I couldnt even say the words. My partner said ok but you could tell he was still in shock but now he is the happiest daddy in the world and Im the happiest mummy.
Only you will know in your heart what you will do.

 

[DebbieM]

Our pregnancy was entirely planned, but after the initial excitement of confirming the pregnancy, I actually needed a couple of days of being left alone so that I could get my head around it.

Whilst my sister was wanting to pass on books and advice and goodness knows what else, I just wanted to have some time to myself to contemplate the future and actually thinking about what was going to happen.

I was never unhappy about it at all, don't get me wrong. This baby was wanted from the moment of conception, but I think it's entirely normal to feel a it....

 

[clarey]

I am the same as Debs, this pregnancy was planned and we were overjoyed to get our BFP... BUT I can remember spending a whole afternoon just sobbing early on, feeling inadequate and maybe we had done the wrong thing and feeling guilty for not being happy. All those hormones dont make things easy. I absolutely cant wait to be a mummy now though, I dont know anyone who has had kids and regrets it, it seems you just shuffle your life a bit to fit them in.
It is a huge step for anyone, be kind to yourself

 

[muppetmummy]

James was totally unplanned and when I first found out it felt like my world had ended and it was the worst thing ever that could have happened.
I even made an appointment for an abortion though a lot of that was due to pressure from my OH (who in the end left me because I wouldn't go through with it, only to come crawing back when James was 3 months old saying he'd made a huge mistake).

James has brought so much happiness into our lifes and I couldn't imagine not having him now. I think although it can be common to regret having an abortion I don't understand how anyone can regret having their child once they're born. Despite money being a struggle, and not being able to have the freedom I had before I've felt so much more complete as a person since having James, I love him so much I could burst!

I don't think anyone can ever feel 100% ready to have a child, and there is never a right time. You change as a person when you become a mum and you find you don't want the same things from life anymore. I've found it to be the most amazing and rewarding experience. I know I could never feel so fulfilled from a job or the social life I had before having him.

Just listen to what your hearts telling you do to hun, if having the baby is what you really want deep down everything else will fall into place

 

[GBLiz]

i dont think you ever feel ready!!

mine wasnt planned and it definitely wasnt the right time. Me and partner had been together just 6 months , although we knew already then we would get married 'in a year or two' and have babies 'a year or 2 after that'

we work travelling from place to place, i had only had the job 6 months and was FINALLy beginning to pay off my massive debts it was the first time in my adult life i was making enough money to survive. Having a baby would end the career path i was on completely.

BUT i had always thought i'd find it hard to conceive and i'd never have considered a termination....but i felt so worried about making my partner feel trapped...he said he'd go with whatever decision i made but i knew he would rather i have a termination. I looked into the abortion pill very halfheartedly - i found out how much it cost and found out its not as straightforward as it sounds and i knew i didnt want to go to any effort to get rid of a baby i knew in my heart i was lucky to have conceived. I told him i didnt want to get rid of the baby and he said all the right things even though i know he was in shock too.

we brought forward our wedding!!! we were married 4 months later. We're more in love now than ever and both of us are so looking forward to our baby. I'm so glad he didnt press his initial preference to terminate on me, because we would have missed out on so much and i know i would have regretted it so much. This has taken our life on a new path neither of us would change for the world

 

[amzhunny]

lots of these for you.

I really dont know what to say in response to your post, me and OH did plan our little baby but didnt anticipate how much money and time a baby does actually take out of you.

When i was 16 i had a termination and i know i was young and silly to get myself into that situation it is something i have regretted ever since, i am not saying that if this is the route you wish to take thats its wrong not at all. Just want to share my feelings, i was unsure as to what to do etc so went with a termination. I was 15 weeks gone and naieve when i did this. I have regretted and still think the "what if's" and "oh baby would be 5 by now etc".

Having Amber has really completed me, i would not have changed her for the world, we are struggling through financially and I do find it a challange sometimes, but when your LO smiles at you for the first time, when your LO gurgles or laughs for the first time it is the most enlightening feeling ever.

Basically hun, you have to do what is right for you these are my experiences and i can only pass on that to you. Good luck in your decision and i know it will be the right one. xxx

 

[Suzie and Faith]

I know how you feel.
I found out the day after my 20th birthday, 3 days into the start of a degree i'd spent 3 years at college working for.
I sobbed and sobbed when i found out because i wasn't sure how i'd cope. I thought it'd be about 6 years before I started a family. Luckily my OH was very supportive.
I only had a part-time job, my OH was at college and had a part-time job and we both lived with our parents.
I knew i wasn't going to have an abortion (but i don't judge people who do).
It took me a while to get used to the idea of being a mum but now I am SO excited. Money is tight, i'm still living with my mum and now my OH livs here too.

Give yourself some time to think about it completely. Follow your heart. xxxx

 

[elaine22]

My pregnancy was totally unplanned - I found out a week after I'd sent off an application to uni. I was so disappointed that I wouldnt be going to uni the following year, and worried that my OH would be angry or leave me. I didn't feel that I could go through with an abortion so the fact that I'd have a baby in 7 months or so took some getting used to. Luckily OH was amazing throughout all this.
There were times when I felt quite down about it, like when I got uni interview letters come through the post and stuff, but I got more and more excited.
There are days where sometimes I wish I had the freedom to do what I wanted and feel that I haven't had chance to live my life yet, but there are even more days where I look at my daughter and feel so proud that she's mine. Every day she makes us laugh so much and we get so excited with every new thing she learns - not something we expected before she was born.

It's normal to feel apprehensive at the very least with an unplanned pregnancy. Go with what you feel is right - good luck with it

 

[lea m]

My first pregnancy waas totally unplanned (we they all were lol) and I was 16, I had only been with my fella a few months (I actually got pregnant the first time we slept together!)
I was scared and thought all the things you did! I was supposed to be going collage and having a great time etc but I knew I couldnt have a termination so I just kinda had to deal with it! It took me 9 weeks to tell my parents or anyone else for that matter, but once I did and realised I had support there, and my partner was ok with things it felt good! And I KNEW I was fine to have this baby and I KNEW I would be able to cope etc and I was! It was the best thing in the whole world to have ever happened to me! People say if you could go back would you change things and I say not at all!! I dont even know how they ask that lol
When I found out I was pregnant with my second I was in total shock! After having my first I was sooooo careful when we made love as I was so scared of getting pregnant straight away so to find out I was 4 months pregnant and got pregnant when my first was just 6 weeks was scary! I didnt think I could cope with 2 young children, it was a very worrying time but it was totally fine too! Busy, lol but amazing too!
Im just trying to say, always know for sure if you decide to have a termination as you could find yourself regreting it for the rest of you life if you are unsure and feel pressured into it! But I really do think although your scared now, you will find it the most refreshing and awarding thing in the whole world when you have your baby! It is the best!

 

[ASD123456]

Hi,

Mine pregnancy was completley unplanned, OH was leaving for a years work in America and wasn't sure if he would ever return to the UK. We were ending our relationship and then seeing what happend. Well when I found out my head was a complete mess and i felt a lot of the things you are feeling.

I questioned my decision for a good few weeks but when I even considered a termination I knew I was not able to go through with it. OH would have liked me to go ahead with it, he never forced me to do this but made his feeligns clear.

Now, I am so happy with the decision I have made, me and OH seem to be going from strength to strength and I feel like we are on a level that we never managed to reach before. The baby has stated to move aroun and pregnancy is just becoming more and more magical each day.

All this said, you need to consider what is right for you. I don't think you would ever regret having a child though because it is such a magcal thing. Good luck

Alex xxx

 

[Sage]

Id only been with my partner for a year when i found out i was pregnant. At first i was in totally shock and denial right up to when i had my first scan! I was petrified at being a mum at 22. I was in uni doing my primary school teaching degree. We were living in rented accommodation and knew we'd have to move again in 6months time so not great conditions, well put it this way i wanted to be more settled, a bit older and finish my qualification before even considering having children!

Unfortunatley i did have to quit my degree but everything else fell into place eventually. I have a beautiful baby boy. Our own house and i'll hopefully be starting back on track with my teaching degree in september.

Its a MASSIVE emotional rollercoaster when you find out your pregnant unexpectantly but just follow your heart and you'll make the right decision in the end.

 

[Andrianne]

I don't really know where to post this, I don't mean to offend anyone

First of all, thank you so much for all of your replies. They helped a lot and made me feel better.

Unfortunately (or fortunately) my bf and I broke up. There were signs early on and I didn't trust my instincts, I never felt he'd be the one.

I felt scared and overwhelmed at the prospect of spending a life with him, not even as a couple but with shared custody. I feel I don't want to raise a child with him. He was reassuring me he'd be there for me and the baby in every way (emotionally, financially) but surprisingly it didn't make me feel any better. I guess I now know why

Even though it's my right to not tell him, I don't want to have this child and hide it from him. It's not fair to him, it's not fair to the kid. Plus I would feel so guilty and live in fear of him finding out, this is no way to have a baby

He's devastated that I'm not having the baby. He wanted it very much. I feel sorry but at the same time it's my life, and my life will be affected a lot more than his

So I decided to terminate the pregnancy. I'm sad but relieved. I'm going back to my country to be with my family and close friends through this. My mum has been lovely ever since I told them.

I have faith that I will be a mummy one day and it will be happy news only, no doubts whatsoever.

Thank you for your support, it is very appreciated
xx

 

[Sherlock]

Your feeling scared and overwhelmed is a natural one. However, you also have considered many other aspects about your decision and I know it was not one you rushed into. You are doing what you feel is right for you.

Each and every person has to decide for themselves. I think you've been incredibly honest and brave in going about this as you are. It cannot have been easy

When you return to the UK and you have the support of your family and friends take a bit of time to talk things over with them. If you are having your pregnancy terminated over here, again please just take that bit of time and be sure its what you really feel you want. Many women waver at that point and decide to continue with their pregnancy. Its not a bad thing if you ever decide to change your mind. If you do decide to end your pregnancy, then again, you will have at least made an informed choice on your decision

I wish you all the best for the future

 

[Fly]

All the very best of luck honey and loads of love xxxxxxxxx

 

[leckershell]

Me and OH had only been together 3 months when we found out I was pregnant, and we were going through a bad stage where I was thinking we would split.. I booked a termination appointment but cancelled it the day before I was due to go in and couldn't bear to go through with it.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. Don't feel pressured either way, do what you feel is the right thing for you. x

 

[muppetmummy]

I'm glad you've managed to reach a decision, at least you can move on now and put this behind you. I'm glad you have the support of you mum, that will really help