How can I help my friend with breastfeeding?

[MummyJess]

My friend gave birth to her second daughter on Monday. She didn't breastfeed at all with her oldest, partly because she found the idea weird and partly because she had to go on medication shortly after the birth. This time round though she had talked about 'giving it a go' as she has seen how easy and convenient I've found it with my 3 girls.

A few months into her pregnancy, she discovered her OH was cheating on her. They split and she has had a hard time dealing with the emotion of that, bringing up their 4 year old and carrying the new baby they had planned together. She lost a lot of weight and I don't think she bonded well with the new baby while she was pregnant, despite finding out she was a girl and naming her weeks ago. In recent weeks he has been asking to get back together, despite her still finding texts on his phone between him and this girls talking about loving each other. She is standing strong but obviously she is very vulnerable right now.

I got a desperate text from her this morning saying that she is ready to give up the breastfeeding and she didn't realise it would be so hard or painful. She is suffering badly from after pains when she feeds, despite pain killers. Her milk has just come in and now her boobs are even more sore. It sounds like she is down to just a couple of feeds a day and is giving regular bottles, which I know can't be helping. She is seeing a BF counsellor later but I know she will listen to me so thought I'd pick the brains of people on here before I see her this evening. I just don't know if she is emotionally strong enough or wants to breastfeed badly enough to work through these hard first few days.

Also, she is apparently planning to take her 4 year old to the cinema tomorrow and leave the new baby with her Mum. This is concerning me because I know that I couldn't bear for my daughters to be away from me for more than a few minutes when they were newborns. The baby will be 4 days old. I understand that she doesn't want her older daughter to feel neglected but this seems strange behaviour. Obviously I haven't actually seen her yet so I may get a clearer idea of her state of mind after I go round this evening.

I know there are a lot of issues here but I think the main one I need help with is some advice on the breastfeeding. If I can help her start to work through that then maybe it will help her bond.

Sorry about the long post, hope it doesn't scare people off

 

[valentine]

Hey MummyJess

I seem to be following you around on the forum today!

I had a similar experience to you and went to see my friend 8 days after her daughter was born and my DD was about 4 months old, specifically to help her with breastfeeding as she was desperate to crack it. This was her first baby.

What I found helpful was to just tell her whats normal. For me, it was normal to be uncomfortable, have sore nipples (particularly in the early days), have problems latching, heavy sore boobs and to be frustrated with feeding all the time, not getting any respite. Help her with her positioning and her latch and show her how to use cushions and get her mum/daughter/anyone to help her manoeuvre baby into the correct position. It may also be helpful to remind her of the facts - that breastfeeding is free, always on tap, at the right temperature, milk changes as baby grows and in the long run, can be less faff than bottle feeding.

However, I'm not sure, from what you say, if she hasn't made up her mind already, particularly being ready to leave her newborn for a prolonged period of time during the day at so so young (I couldn't have done that either, took me a long time to build up to this). You already know that to breastfeed she needs to be 100% committed to building her supply, feeding on demand etc and I'm not sure that she sounds like she's there. By all means, extol the benefits of breastfeeding and help her with difficulties, but you may need to be prepared to talk about mix feeding or support her with her decision to formula feed. She sounds a bit all over the place and will really benefit from having a friend there for her, to help or just to listen.

Please let us know how you get on.

Valentine Xxx

 

[girlygirl]

lots of support helps. I wouldnt have carried on if my mum wouldnt have told me too. its easy to give up, but her mind has to in the mind that she wants to do it for herself.
I carried on as i didnt want to dissapoint my mum in me failing. She fed me for 18 months.

Feeding groups are good, i went to loads. The NCT one was the best, a lady even came out to my house to help me with teh latch.

It took me about 8 weeks for pain to dissapear but if you explain the pros of it then she may continue. Have you any breast feeding photos? they are good to show as you can see the special bond. also how easy it is againts bottle feeding. you have it on tap the whole time!! Its so much better for them too. I personally think you have a better bond with them and feeding is hard to explain to someone that doesnt or hasnt done so. Also you are keeping them alive, they are totally depenant on you.

Good luck with her feeding

 

[MummyJess]

Well I spent 2 1/2 hours at my friend Amy's house this evening. Baby slept for most of it so I talked through a lot of things with her. Her head is still a bit all over the place and it sounds like she is really struggling to bond. She looks very like her older daughter did as a newborn but she says she resents her for not being, if that makes any sense. She says she doesn't really want to hold the baby and dreads her waking up cos she doesn't want to feed her. I did reassure her that I used to dread the feeds in the first few days cos it was so painful but that it wouldn't last and if she kept going it would soon get easier.

The baby woke up just as I started to leave so I offered to stay and help her feed as she hadn't actually seen a breastfeeding counsellor (They wanted her to go to a clinic - said nobody could come to see her till tomorrow. Even though the baby is only 3 days old and she is already supplementing with formula. I'm fuming!) Amy seemed reluctant and I think if I'd have gone she'd have just given her a bottle so I made sure she was comfy on the sofa and helped her get baby into position.

She was really tense and as soon as baby started wriggling and squirming she started getting upset and saying the baby was rejecting her and pushing her away. I managed to get baby to latch on but then she kept pulling away, which obviously hurt Amy and she said she thought the baby didn't like her milk. At one point she just took baby away completely and said she couldn't do it and baby would just have to have a bottle.

I made her have another go and this time we got baby on in a position that was more comfy for them both. I could see how painful it was as she has bleeding nipples, but I've said to keep up with the cream and once they heal it should start to improve. She had some tummy cramps during the feed but nothing too much to cope with and I reminded her that they were just her body getting back to normal, which is a good thing. She managed to feed for about 15 minutes which is apparently the longest she has managed since she left hospital on Monday evening.

When I left she seemed pleased with herself but still didn't want to have the baby. She was quite shaky but it turned out she hadn't actually eaten or drunk much today so I reminded her how important it was and told the baby's dad, who is staying there at the moment, that he needs to make sure she has water when she is feeding, regular meals and painkillers every 4 hours. He really wants her to breastfeed for the baby's sake but obviously she resents any pressure from him because of what has gone on in their history.

I really feel for her and hope that she can psycologically get into the breastfeeding because I really don't think she is there at the moment. I don't know if she will try to feed the baby again tonight but I will definitely text her and see if she has managed to. I have no doubt that she has a major case of baby blues so I am glad that the baby's dad is there to help her out, even if he has been an idiot.

Thanks for your comments and advice valentine and girlygirl. I'd still appreciate some tips on how to handle things with Amy. Has anyone been in a similar position where they were going to give up breastfeeding and either did or didn't? And should I keep putting pressure on her in a tough love sort of way or just ease off and risk her stopping completely?

 

[Steelgoddess]

Sounds to me she has a classic case of baby blues... mine were HORRIBLE in the first few weeks, I felt like pap and really did feel like I was going to get depressed...

I stopped bfing after about 3 days because of how I felt mentally but for other reasons too... i bottlefeed now and I honestly do enjoy it, don;t regret my decision and still have a fab bond with my son through feeding but through other things too.

You really need to drum home to her that its completly normal to feel how she feels and that it WILL pass, get her to get out of that house WITH baby too, even if its to get to the shops for a paper...

As for the bfing all you can do is encourage her and be there as a friend, just keep telling her shes doing such a gr8 job and that she can do it, at those times I felt like such a rubbish Mum (I wasn;t I just felt that way at the time) others encouraging me and telling me I could do it made me think "Really? Ok maybe I AM doing ok".

Have you also asked her what she wants and how she feels about the breastfeeding thing? The main thing is not to force the breastfeeding but encourage it if thats what she wants if you know what I mean?

x

 

[MummyJess]

Sounds to me she has a classic case of baby blues... mine were HORRIBLE in the first few weeks, I felt like pap and really did feel like I was going to get depressed...

I stopped bfing after about 3 days because of how I felt mentally but for other reasons too... i bottlefeed now and I honestly do enjoy it, don;t regret my decision and still have a fab bond with my son through feeding but through other things too.

You really need to drum home to her that its completly normal to feel how she feels and that it WILL pass, get her to get out of that house WITH baby too, even if its to get to the shops for a paper...

As for the bfing all you can do is encourage her and be there as a friend, just keep telling her shes doing such a gr8 job and that she can do it, at those times I felt like such a rubbish Mum (I wasn;t I just felt that way at the time) others encouraging me and telling me I could do it made me think "Really? Ok maybe I AM doing ok".

Have you also asked her what she wants and how she feels about the breastfeeding thing? The main thing is not to force the breastfeeding but encourage it if thats what she wants if you know what I mean?

x

Thanks for your reply. My gut feeling is that she really would be happier not to breastfeed at all, I think she is starting to resent the baby because of it. I can't be there everyday because she lives half an hour away and obviously I have my family too but I feel that without constant encouragement she isn't going to commit to it. She was asking me about nursing bras, then 5 min later saying it was just easier to give a bottle.

I think she is also aware of how time consuming it is to breastfeed and how it will be difficult to be away from the baby. She bottlefed her older DD from birth so she has only that experience to go by.

It's nice to hear from someone who made the decision to stop breastfeeding, because I only have my experience to go by and find it hard to put myself in her position. Mine were breastfed for 10 months, 6 months and 11 months. Because I know how good it was for me then I don't want her to just give up. But I have to be realistic and if it makes her happier and stop resenting her new baby then maybe it would be better that way?

Oh, it's so hard! I wish I could just sit with her for 2 days and make her get through the hard bit!

 

[purple13]

some good advice from the others... i don't really know what to add, other than that you're a really kind & good friend

 

[IsaB]

For me BFing was the hardest thing of all - in the early days it was painful, felt relentless and I dreaded each feed. The ONLY thing that got me through it (and really I didn't feel completely comfortable/happy with it till about 7 weeks) was sheer stubbornness and determination. You are being a fantastic friend and are doing everything you can to help Amy try and conquer BFing, but unless she's 100% committed to doing it (which TBH it doesn't sound like she is), and that combined with all the other stuff she's dealing with at the moment, I think it's going to be really hard for her. I guess all you can do is carry on supporting her the way that you are, but if she decides to go with the bottle also be vocal in your support of her decision so she doesn't feel like she's letting you or the baby down. Also re: the bonding thing - for some people it takes a while, and if she's finding breastfeeding hard going, she won't be viewing it as a bonding experience - perhaps you could encourage/help her to find other ways to bond (e.g. baby massage)? Good luck anyway, it sounds like you're being a wonderful support.

 

[MummyJess]

Thanks for your support guys.

Having spoken to her today I think she is supplementing too much with formula and is just not prepared to commit to breastfeeding, though of course she can take comfort in the fact that her LO has had the first few days of breastmilk, which are of course the most important. Until she actually turns around and says that she's had enough then I will keep encouraging her all I can but the earliest I will see her now is Monday so I don't know if she'll get through the weekend on her willpower alone.

I guess the most important thing is that she starts to enjoy her new baby and gets used to her new situation. Hard for any new Mum, but especially in her shoes. Thanks for your kind messages, it means a lot to be called a good friend but I am only doing what I am sure any of you would do.