Help! Untamed 8 year old!..long post..sorry : (

[kirlykird]

Hi

I'm just posting this as I am at utter desperation level with my 8 year old son.

Just lately,well the last few months he has become a nightmare to live with...we love him more than anything don't get me wrong but sometimes I feel like I just can't cope with him anymore, he screams at us, tells me I am a b*tch, slags off his stepdad daily and just laughs in my face if I try to discipline him and he's never happy until he's actually bought on tears.

I don't smack my children and I try not to shout if possible, but I'm finding myself shouting back at him to the point where a few days ago we were in a full blown row, me and an 8 year old

The background here is that his father and myself split up a few years back, we've both met new partners (and Tom knows that me and his dad will never be together again), we moved to Oxford about 80 miles from Birmingam and moved in with DF who moved up from London(we did the half way comprimise).

Tom and his twin sister started a new school back in September and both seem really settled there and have made lots of new friends.

Another big change for them is that they have a new brother coming in a few weeks and they seem very excited about it especially Tom.

However,on the downside,since we have moved here,gradually around the time that the moods increased and intensified from Tom was when his dad started having less and less contact. We do our bit and take them up there every 3 weeks and ask that their dad comes here on is day off if only for a few hours somewhere in that 3 weeks, he's actually been here twice since July! He calls them around once a week for 1 min ( no exaggeration there!) and the mobiles he got them so they could stay in contact get no use as he never messages them!

Dad can't see he's doing anything wrong. When kids do go to see him we drop them off at their grandparents on a Sat morning, dad is at work so they don't see him until Sat eve and then that's always with grandparnts around and then he brings them back halfway mid Sunday afternoon, again with the grandparents! He NEVER does anything alone with them

The sad thing is that Tom blames his dads girlfriend,any excuse not to put the blame on his 'prefect' dad but it's not her,she's great and is the driving force behind his visists here (well the 2 of them)!

When we were together and he and Tom never had a close relationship,however now, Tom seems to want that relationship and his dad just doesn't make the effort! It's not helped by the fact that my exes dad and stepmum don't like me anymore and no matter how much I bend over backwards for them to see the kids they are so rude to me! I'm even letting them take them on holiday for the second week of the Easter hols for goodness sake which I am dreading now as I don't know what to expect when they get home!

Another problem here is that this is where Tom hears me get slagged off, that upsets him and he comes home ladened with gifts (they can't seem to understand that you can't buy childrens love) and agressive and moody to me and his stepdad.... may I add that his twin is absolutely fine!

My DF does everything for them and with them and he is getting very hurt as to why Tom has such a problem with him when he's the person who makes the effort and does the boy stuff with Tom.

Our theory is that Tom has seen what a dad can be like and resents DF for having those qualities when his own dad doesn't. DF said that he loves Tom and no matter how bad it gets he will not give up on him but I hate to see Tom like this as he can be such a loving little boy

sorry to make the post so long I just need a moan and advice or even just some friendly encouraging words... I feel like the worst mom in the world....

 

[Nic'n'Keeley]

i don't have any advice sorry
but just wanted to give you these
you sound as tho your a great mum
and i understand about the rowing me and my 8 yr old neice do it ( she can argue i can't so she wins most the time)

 

[Strangeness]

Awwww I am sorry you're struggling with your son at the moment! 8 year olds grow up way too fast these days and talk like they're 18!! I think by the sounds of it you're right about the relationship with his dad effecting your relationship. He sounds very upset and probably very hurt. Have you spoken to him about how he feels about his dad? I know it's very easy to lose your temper and shout back but I found it so much easier when my own mum would just sit down with me and ask me what the problem was. It took her a few goes but in the end I blurted everything out and our relationship was a million times better. I also had a dad who wasn't really bothered about me or my brothers or sister and it can totally knock a child when you think the person who is meant to love you so much doesn't care. My dad was probably a lot worse because he used to actually call us names and generally bully us rather than totally not speak to us. I now don't speak to my dad after the last time he called me and my sister every name under the sun but it took me until I was 18 to stand up to him and realise he was never going to change. I think as hard as it is to live with him at the moment you just have to be there for him.

Times can get very hard for a child when their parents spilt up especially if one parent doesn't seem that bothered about them. I would also speak to his grandparents because if they're slagging you off then it is really not on! He doesn't need to feel that everyone in his life doesn't get on and maybe feels that you'll all not speak to each other and never see each other again. I think this is a lot for you to deal with hun especially as you're so close to having another baby. But talking is to him even if he doesn't want too is always good, they will in the end. If he shouts when you ask him what's wrong just walk out and try later. Also use the "Now that you're an adult, I think we can talk like adults" line because they love to feel grown up. I really hope you get things sorted hun. Let us know how you get on

 

[budge]

i hope you don't mind me saying this and i know ill get blasted for doing so but im always honest in my posts.
The fact that you have never raised your voice or smacked your son is the reason he is like he is now.

In my experience if you discipline your children by raising your voice and smacking them if they are naughty (and i don't mean beat the hell out of them - just a short sharp smack) then by the age of 5 they rarely need either.

Kids need bounderies and thrive on routine and consistency AND discipline. It makes them feel secure and loved. And in feeling this they learn to respect and love others.

all the peoplei know who have naughty unruly children are the ones who have said they have never smacked or shouted at their kids.

If i were you next time he swears at you or starts playing up shock him with a swift slap around his buttocks and take all his privilidges away and by that i mean take his game boy away tv out his room etc.

To balance out discipline you have to make sure you reward good behaviour and give him lots of love and attention when hes being nice.

If my kids play up or start showing off i only have to look at them in a way and they tame down. They know what would come next if they continue.

we're too soft on kids these days and thats why we are being inundated with vile hoodies with no respect or morals.

 

[kirlykird]

Thanks for your replies ladies

Think I felt a lot better just by getting it off my chest!

Nic & keeley, thanks for the hug

strangeness... thank you for the advice, it's good to hear it from someone who can see it from his side too... I didn't have a good realtionship with my dad as he left when I was a baby and never nothered with me so sometimes it's hard to understand how he feels. I've tried talking to him a few times, we get so far and then he clams up.

Think I just need to persevere there.

Budge, thanks for your opinion too. I'm very grateful for your honesty and as I said in my post ANY advice is appreciated...thank you