Hello Everyone

[fruityloop]

Sorry I've not posted for a while. I am not coping very well. I've started drinking too much and spending too much money (which I can't afford) in an attempt to numb the pain I'm feeling. I know it's the wrong way to go about things and it will run its course and I will stop, but for now that's what's happening with me.

I keep crying but nobody except you all seem to understand why I am crying. it's almost as if it's a case of "It's over now get on with your life -as if nothing has happened and I can just switch my emotions on and off".

I went back to work last Monday. I am still bleeding after losing the baby and am on iron tablets for anaemia. My boss asked me to tell him exactly what happened (which I did) and then told me off for not contacting him directly the minute it started to happen. I wasn't in a fit state to call anybody so I sent a text to my work to explain and my partner phoned the office later on the same day.

My boss is trying to push me to take on more work, more responsibility - I think he is trying to help by keeping me so busy it is taking my mind off things, but my confidence as a human being is at an all time low. I've started to wear a bit of make up and spend more time on my hair in the morning because after losing the baby I felt so un-feminine it was unbelievable. After my miscarriage I broke out in the worst bout of spots I've ever had in my life and my hair has started to fall out in handfulls. I don't feel very attractive at all so I'm trying to make an effort to look nice (not for anyone but myself).

I am trying to put a brave face on things but I feel as if I am heading for a fall. There is only so much crying I can do on my own whilst being away from anyone else.

I went to the doctor and I am either going to have a contraceptive implant which will last 3 years or go onto the depo provera injections. For my own mental sanity there is no way i can ever go through this again. It is sad that I will never become a mummy but before I was pregnant I didn't realise I could ever get pregnant. My doctor wanted to put me back onto antidepressants but I will feel even more of a failure if I succumb to that so I am fighting it.

Sorry for such a long post. Thanks for reading. I come and go into the forum when I have the strength to read the posts, which isn't that often at the moment. I'm sure, given time, it will get better and I'll be able to chat about this a lot easier.

With love to all
Tina
xxxx

 

[HayleyB]

Hey chick,
Sounds like you're letting what people expect you to do to be pushing you along in your day to day life.
I did that with my first miscarriage last year, i rushed back to work, took on more work & responsibility.... it broke me.

My miscarriage this year has really knocked me... I've succumbed and am back on the anti depressants - 5 months after the miscarriage, i tried to keep going... I went back into work, again, pushed myself, again.
And broke again... Like you i started drinking, shopping for them endorphines or whatever them happy hormones are called!
I withdrew more into myself - but like you spent more time on my appearance, tried to feel more feminine and pretty and "worthy" of attention (thats just me though!)
I even flirted more with men at work, just cos i needed to feel like i am still me, i am still a lady.

 

[HayleyB]

I've now been off work since 26th June... I just can't face going back (i started miscarrying in work) When i went back in (i did a couple of days in July) people (managers) were looking at me like "why haven't you been sacked" (might just be me being paranoid!)

 

[HayleyB]

I know i'm not quite ready to go back yet, i still cry - alot. I have considered going back on the pill or getting the implant - just cos i can't bare the thought of going through it again....
but i also can't bare the thought of the possibility that next time might just be "the time"

 

[HayleyB]

I'm sorry i'm not really offering you any advice - I just wanted you to know that i am still having bad days 6 months after my miscarriage.My doctor wants me to start counselling -
but i can't find the number/leaflet that they gave me at the hospital to be able to arrange it - and i'm too scared to ask for help!

 

[HayleyB]

There's no speed at which is the "right" to start feeling better.

I read somewhere that someone who has a termination starts feeling better after 6 months - but someone who goes through a miscarriage can take more than 3 times longer to start feeling like they can pick up the pieces.

 

[HayleyB]

I really hope you start feeling better soon hun.
And if you can avoid the alcohol, it made me feel better for about 10 mins until the tears flood in!! (i got drunk @ the ronan concert on 30th July and spent the whole night crying cos every lyric seemed to remind me of my lost angels!!) I rarely drink now, cos as much of a nice crutch as it is its not the right one for me. I'm not preaching though, please don't take it that way!

If you want a big rant can PM me if you want

xox

 

[HayleyB]

Sorry its a massive multiple post - it wasn't saving it as a whole thing!!

Probably my computer being vvv weird!!!

xox

 

[beatlesbaby66]

oh honey, i feel for you, i really do. i have miscarried in the last fortnight at 6 weeks and wasnt given the option of a D&C. told to go home and wait. ended up in hospital due to heavy blood loss.
my heart goes out to you honey. dont feel pressured to fit into anyones idea of when you should feel ok, its such a personal thing. i have been off this week and next week too, cant face the outside world at all.
if you need to talk please pm me, dont feel your on your own honey, we are all here for you. i am new to the place but just wanted to let you know that i/we are here if you need us.
take care babe
bxox

 

[paulaws]

Hi Tina,
I can't pretend to know how you are feeling because I don't but I just want you to know I am thinking of you.
Don't let anyone push you into anything. Take your time with things.

Paula.x

 

[rach]

hun we all deal with things in our own way be gentle on yourself and take care we are always here should you need us xxxxxxxxx

 

[Little Miss Joslyn]

Hi Tina,
Sorry you are feeling so low and loseing a baby is the worst thing ever. I still feel numb after my miscarriage april 05 and have just found out my sister is pregnant and due the same day I had my D & C! I too was worried about going back to work as worried what people would think and i found they avoided me for a while, probably didnt know what to say but i felt like a failier as i worked so hard and in the end i left my job and started on counter opposite the day my baby would have been due! I had councilling as i really felt that God was being mean to me or i was jinxed because all the dates and I felt anxious but i think it was just a coincdence. have just found out that theis girl at works baby is due when mine would have been due so that did my head in again. You will never forget what happened and when people say "It happened for a reason" it makes you feel worse but dont give up trying as they say that the first pregnancy is a dress rehersal and your body rejected it but next time may be the right time. I still do retail therapy to cheer me up and like you i feel bad getting into more debt!
Take care of yourself and do something you enjoy doing. i took up learning the celtic harp to destress me so maybe start a new hobby or go to the cinema to take your mind off things. x

 

[rusks]

tina i really am thinking of you and so sorry you are feeling this way, i hope time is a healer for you and it will take time. we are always here for you. lisa xx

 

[gracie]

Hi Tina

I too lost a baby this year and all i can say is that what you are going through is normal. I am feeling better now (I still have my bad days) but its different for everyone. Please don't give yourself a hard time and if you need the anit-depressants just take them its not going to be forever.

We all cope with things in different ways. One day (not too long ago) i realised that i hadn't cryed all day!!!!!!!!! Then I went to every other day being upset and so on untill now its about once a week.

I just try to take each day at a time. Hope you start to feel a bit better soon.

Sending you lots of hugs.

Take care.

 

[Peanut]

Tina, and all of you...thanks for posting this. Sometimes I feel like a freak for having MC'd and it really helps to hear you all going through such similar experinces....even down to trying to feel more feminine! I am now after reading this thread, but also pleased to have found you all. We are not alone x

 

[HayleyB]

awww peanut that made me
i'm glad i found everyone too... i found and read the post i did when i miscarried last year... and all the hugs and messages i got then made me but now they remind me that i'm not alone.

I was just thinking (about 5 mins ago) how i've gone from the taking extra time to look pretty etc to not spending any time at all... my eyebrows need doing so badly, and i've not waxed my legs since before we went on holiday (beginning of june!)
So am gonna spend some time on myself tonight... treat myself!!!
xox