Can anyone give me any advice?

[Feelinglost]

Hi I'm new here, I've been searching for a way to talk about how I feel but there never seems the right time to talk to the women folk in my life, can anyone help me....

I'd love some advice, I've been feeling really.... confused, upset, heartbroken about the subject of wanting children but my OH not wanting anymore.

I'll try to keep the story brief, but i think its important to know the background to judge the future.... I'm 29 my OH 41. Not a massive age gap but a gap none the less. When he was 18 he 'got a girl pregnant' and was subsequently forced (by his and her family) to 'do the right thing' etc, so they married. He stayed in the marriage for a long time watching his children grow up, hating everything around him but them.

He split from his ex, his 2 daughters in their teens. Months after later we entered into a relationship, things going reasonably well, daughters excepting me easily.

After being together for a few years we were chatting in the pub one evening about the subject of having children, his life experience making him completely opposed. I felt it was important to discuss the subject and really understand each other fully to know what the future may hold....i told him that having children wasn't something I'd really thought about, but i knew they were definately in my future. His response, that he wouldn't seek out having a child but if it meant a choice between that and losing me he would definately have one. The conversation carried on along that line and I (naively) believed him.

Roll up to the present day, about 2 years after that conversation. I'm getting broody. People around me have families and babies on the way, then my nan becomes ill and sadly passes away. The closeness of my family is brought home to me, combined with having teenage step daughters that aren't very interested in me (not in a horrible way) and knowing the joy a grandchild would give my parents.... I'm so broody its breaking my heart, i wnt... need my own family, my own child to have responsibilty for.

His initial answer.... No, never going to happen. After a few more attempts at discussing the subject, tears, rows and converstations he has told me this....At this moment I do not want children. I'm so sorry that makes you sad. I do not know how I feel in a month, 6 months or a year. All I can tell you is that I won't rule it out. But right now... I do not want any more children.

After seeking much advice from the net I've asked him if we can set a decision date... my 30th nxt year. He said fine. I've told him all my reasons for wanting a family of my own, how important it is to, I've promised that in that time I wont bring it up or get upset over silly things.

Has anyone else ever been in this situation?? I'm scared that if he can change his mind that he won't love me enough to do this... Do I want him to do it if he's not 100%. Does anyone think this sounds positive?

I'm so worried all the time I can't seem to think about anything else. My focus is gone and I feel like no one understands.... like, why is this happening to me (we have a friendship with a couple who are in exactly the same situation and they are now expecting. He's absolutely over the moon about it, I cried so hard after they told us.)

I'm so down. I analyse his words over and over again and I have no idea what any of it mean.

 

[Princess81]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. I have just turned 30 and it was in my head from about 28 that my 30th was not too far away and I wanted children or to at least be pregnant by then. My o/h was of the attitude that he didn't want kids at all, wanted more from life and had too much that he wanted to do etc. But, he was off working for 7 months so I stopped taking my pill because I wanted to prepare my body for if we did decide to try for children, turns out that I had fertility problems that I had no idea aobut and it only became clear once I came off the contraceptive pill. So, whilst my problems were being investigated and he came back home we sort of went to ntnp because we basically knew it wasn't going to happen without medical intervention. After 2 months of him being home I had an operation to help me, 2 weeks after that I fell pregnant and he went MENTAL. Sadly, I lost that baby at 6 weeks and my o/h felt really bad by how devestated I was. 3 months later I fell pregnant again and am now at 24 weeks, and he's happy. He knows how much it meant/means to me to be a mum and he's decided he doesn't want to stand in my way and is now looking forward to our baby's arrival. I think once they truly see how much it means to us they do concede a little. It's selfish of your o/h to prevent you from doing what comes naturally, but then again it could be said that it is selfish of us to try to force them into something they don't want to do. I ended up telling my o/h that if he didnt' want chldren then that was fine, but that I would find someone else instead who did, and i meant it. x

 

[Feelinglost]

I'm so happy for you Princess81, I really am, Thats fantastic. I hear stories like yours and it gives me hope. But it's like waiting to find out results of something... no one knows what will happen. I currently have the implant and I'm only halfway through the 3 year course, I've had no problems with it and he would be so angry with me if i had it removed after what he dealt with all those years ago, and he trusts me to deal with contraception, I couldn't do anything untrustworthy like getting it removed and not telling him.

I think patience is important because he has always had to come round to change himself... with gentle nudges from me. I think the more he see's how much I want it the more he relents/resigns himself to the probability of having a child.

 

[Feelinglost]

Can anyone tell me what they think?? Opinions (not to harsh though, I'm a bit fragile about all this) anything.... ahs anyone had this situation.... I'm really scared about what I'll have to decide if he doesnt love me enough to do this.

 

[leesey]

I don't know what to say feelinglost, because everyone has their individual relationships and know how their OH will react to things.

2 years ago, my OH and I had a conversation/row over my expectations of the future. I told him I wanted kids before I was 30 because I have always wanted kids so desperately but have put it off to get myself settled in a career and to give our relationship time. At the time, he really upset me because he said he wasn't sure he would want kids within my timeframe blah blah, travelling, work, etc etc.
I was devestated, and for months I wasn't sure we were looking at the same future. Somehow, after further conversations, we started to get on the same page, over time. Last May, he finally moved in with me which was the first major step in our relationship, after 4 years together. A month later, he proposed. A year after that we got married and now we're trying for a baby.

2 years ago I couldn't have reassured myself that this would happen. I just had to have faith in our relationship (it was so hard at times) and trust that he wanted to be with me enough to have a family with me.

He was only 26 when we had the discussion about the future. Even now at 28 he seems so much more grown up and able to feel settled in life. I think no matter how in sync we are with our OH, they may always be a couple of years behind our needs/wants.

I couldn't be happier with my husband, and our lives seem to be exactly what I envisioned for us. A couple of years ago I was scared it might never happen.

I'm not saying this will happen for everyone, but I'm glad that I didn't give up on our future because of his niggling doubts.

 

[xxbeckyxx]

Hmm...it's hard for me to have too much of an opinion because luckily I have got my little girl, BUT if I was with someone who didn't want children then I would seriously have to think about finding someone who did - for me I'd much rather be a mum than a wife if you know what I mean? If it got to the point where it was too late for me to fall pregnant and we'd missed our chance then I would resent him forever and the love would go, no matter how strong it was before.
That's just me though.

Also, Marcus wasn't too fussed at the beginning about whether or not he wanted a baby so we didn't try/prevent, and now he is the most doting, loving father that there is. So even if you get a half-hearted 'yes' from him, my opinion would be, go for it, don't ask for 100% enthusiasm from someone who will never be sure till the situation is happening.

I hope my post makes sense, good luck to you hun x

 

[Feelinglost]

Thank you for sharing your stories with me, it does help me to have some hope... even if i can't allow myself to get to hopeful, if that makes sense.

It really is a case of timing, some conversations have resulting in shouting, tears and silence. Some more positive and meaningful. And reading advice it seems cooling off the subject usually gives them some breathing space.

I couldn't agree more with you xxbeckyxx about going for it with even a resigned yes. My OH hates change and like you say I think..... KNOW once everything happened he'd be happier... I think. An once our child had grown a little I know he'd thrive on the interaction again because he misses his other daughters so much now they're all grown up.

If you'd have asked me as short as 2 years ago about babies I wouldn't have had a clue how i felt... now it feels like every person, every programme, every advert everyone is having, holding or bringing up a baby.

Have I got the strength to leave if things don't work out..... All this heartache when a yes would be enough. Just 1 little yes. No more.

 

[Loz27]

Hi everyone...

I basically just wanna write how I am feeling right now and see if anyone can relate. I have been off my pill for 3 months now and we have been trying to conceive ever since, now this month has been different to the other months as I really thought I was pregnant. My period was late and it never is and all I had was discharge so I got my hopes up but then this morning I came on and I just can't seem to help but be miserable. I know it takes a while to get pregnant and everybody's different but its all I think about and I feel so ready but the longer it takes the more fed up I seem to feel. I wanna start planning and buying things. I have never been so happy in my life and just feel a baby will be the icing on the cake but I am so inpatient. Is anybody else in the same boat or with any advice?

Thanks, Lauren