Assertiveness training?

[leckershell]

Just a random question that I didn't know where to put.. it's a bit personal but we're all friendly and accepting on here so I don't mind admitting my weaknesses.

Has anyone here had any help with assertiveness? It's been getting me down just how passive I really am. Even my colleagues at work put me on a 1 day assertiveness course but it didn't help me that much as I couldn't stick to what they suggested in the handouts. I can say the things, but because I have very low self-esteem, I don't believe my opinions are worth speaking, which makes the phrases seem unbelievable to me so I don't even bother. That sounds really pathetic I know, but it's a really serious problem and really getting to me.

I have gone on ebay and there's a few different self-esteem/self-confidence/assertiveness CD's, but I wondered if any of you had any CD's/courses/books that you would recommend?

You all seem pretty assertive to be honest!!! but there's no harm in asking eh x

 

[libs]

How about a longer course with someone with psychology training as well as assertiveness training? If you've been on one course and it hasn't really helped, not sure that self help will help you. What may be better is getting to the reasons why you feel you can't say the things, where did it come from, understanding that may help more than someone giving you things to say. Your doctor may be able to direct you, or personal recommendation is always great with counsellors.

Also is there any area of your life where you feel more assertive? Maybe in a particular group of people or a particular situation - and look at what is different there.

 

[leckershell]

I've had counselling, which helps with the problems but doesn't change the way I have little confidence expressing things..

Thanks for replying though!

I know it sounds silly, but it's very tough sometimes thinking things in my head and not being brave enough to say them, even to OH who I know would rather know what I thought than me not say things!

 

[Babylicious]

I've done loads of them Ours are all internal to npower though

 

[libs]

Start off small - one thing you really really want to say. Preferably something that won't upset the other person so that you can say it without feeling guilty afterwards.

Do it on here just say I don't agree with the next thing you see that you don't agree with. Then tell them why.

Just remembered what helped one of my staff that used to be very unassertive. We made her take part in debates and made her argue the opposite to what she believed so she had to stand up for something without getting emotionally involved if you know what I mean. So start a debate about soemthing stupid on here that will give everyone a chance to get involved, BUT you have to argue the opposite of what you think.

 

[katyk]

I do have problems with this, but not in an obvious way. If someone is evil I can think of the perfect response but don't say it at the time for some reason Then it can fester in my mind for literally years.

But now I've decided just to start doing it, easier said than done I know but I'm just going to start answering people back (as long as they don't have a knife )

I know it's hard though, to get to that point. So we'll see how I go when faced with a real-life situation

Best wishes,
Kath
P.S. Not joking but have you thought of trying something like prozac? It can help if you have social anxieties. But I know most people try to avoid taking things like that. (I try to nowadays.)

 

[sam96031]

just wanted to give you a big hug na dto say you are not alone i am exactly the same in the last three years i have really been trying to stand up for myself and have succeeded sometimes i know it sounds corny but i couldnt do it without my DH but dont tell him

 

[leckershell]

Thanks for the replies, I was hoping people would know what I mean so thanks

It's little things like if OH says what dyu want for dinner and I would say I don't care. Even if I really really really wanted, i duno, pasta.. I wouldn't say it because I would feel like it was the wrong answer. Or if I was asked where to go out for the night, I'd let someone else pick cos if I picked somewhere I would worry all night that I picked the wrong place and no-one wanted to go there.

Does that make sense? It's so stupid it really is, but I can't say what I want to!!

 

[sam96031]

its not silly hun just keep trying maybe do one thing assertive each day even if it is deciding what you want 4 tea

 

[AllieW]

Not stupid at all. I understand a little. One of my friends once compared me to a frightened rabbit because I wasn't very assertive and was frequently apologising.

I'm sure you've done this already, but it might help to sit down and write out all those things you know you are good at. In big letters, maybe colour coded. And then keep it somewhere safe (putting it on the noticeboard might look a bit boastful!).

Another good exercise, which has helped me in the past is to get your partner to write down 5 things they like about you and you then do the same. Learning to see how others see you and value you for the wonderful person you are (and you are) is very confidence building and helpful. These are good lists to keep, too.

The other advice about little and often is important too. Plus if you're worried about sounding boastful or arrogant (as I often was) there are ways and means of phrasing things which allow you to assert yourself while being neither. And they don't have to sound contrived, either. So, for example, if your fella asks you what you want for tea and you really fancy something you can say what you would like and then ask him what he thinks (offering it back to him, in a way). As long as you don't say point blank 'we're having x' you're not being demanding. (And, frankly, if you were cooking, you'd be justified in saying that anyhow as long as you knew that both of you liked it).