anybody else expecting baby number 2 or more and petrified

[bowmanzoo]

Hi

I think I asked something similar in 1st trimester but i'm going to ask again anyway. Is anybody else really scared about having 2nd child or whatever you're having. Although I kind of planned this baby my feelings now are what the hell have I done. One moment i'm kind of ok with the idea and the next i'm freaking out and just trying to ignore the fact that i'm pregnant. I'm terrified that these feelings are going to cause me to have postnatal depression when this one is born and I really don't need that. I'm pretty sure my fear is the fact that I just don't know how i'm going to deal with 2 children. I might speak to my midwife at the end of the week as she knows and understands my past history and may be able to reasure me. I'm just so damn scared and this is taking over what should be an enjoyable time.

april

 

[jools02]

Yes, I feel exactly the same! So much so that I've not posted on this site since tri 1! Although I planned this baby (my second) I've tried to ignore the fact that I'm pregnant because I'm just terrified - of the effect it will have on my son, how I will cope when my husband goes to Afghanistan when the baby is 4 months old as I have no family or friends nearby, and of the birth. I had a very dificult birth with Sean in Germany where none of the midwives even spoke English, but at least with your first you don't know what to expect from labour - this time round we know what lies in store and I just try not to think about it. I think its only natural to have so many doubts and fears and everyone deals with it differently. I was starting to feel very guilty about the way I'm feeling but I try to get over that by reminding myself why I wanted this baby in the first place and that I'm so lucky to be pregnant when there are women out there who can't have children of their own.

 

[bhe101]

Hi
Although I'm over the moon to be pregnant again, I do sometimes have moments when I start to think about things too much and I get filled with dread! How am i going to cope!!!! I sometimes struggle at the moment, Iv got a history of depression and anxiety. I had quite bad PND and the thought of getting it again terrifies me. My midwife has reassured me there are people who can help and if I start to feel even a little out of sorts to give her a call and we can get it sorted.

Another thing is, nobody really new I had it last time so I want to tell mine and ohs family that I did it so if i need help I can ask them and they will understand why. Oh isnt keen as his family are quite old fashoined and dont believe in depression

 

[bowmanzoo]

Ok here comes by truth....

Back in 1999 when I was 19 years old I had a little boy who is very precious to me even to this day but when I had him I had no support and was very young. He was born by c section as he was in distress and then only weighed 4lb 5oz and had low blood sugar so was placed straight away in the special care baby unit. I felt really low as soon as I'd had him and mentioned it to the midwife in the hospital but she just shrugged it off every time I mentioned it to her and said it was baby blues. About 2 weeks later we went home but the depression didnt lift but got very much worse until one morning I woke up in such a state and told my bf to take him to his aunts and uncles until I sorted myself out as I was a risk to him in that frame of mind. Anyway had a crappy social worker at the time who came out on that such day and asked where my son was and I told her and then she said I couldnt have my boy home until they did a assessment on me which at that time I agreed to but 6 weeks later when I felt much better and wanted my son back the social worker said another 6 weeks which I reluctantly agreed to and at the end of that another 6 weeks in whcih I turned to a solicitor who told me to take my son home which I did then they came out with an emergency protection order and took him away again and after long battle he ended up being adopted beause in my view I was young and had suffered depression. Well nothing else happened so what else could it be other than govenment statistics and an easy target named me. I then had another boy in 2002 but social services didnt agree for me to keep him either so off to adoption he went as well which left me distroyed to say the least and i'm still to this day recovering although I dont think I ever fully will recover. Then 2005 we moved area to south wales and I fell pregnant with my daughter Joanna which I was very happy about but very nervous all the same. I made a point of telling midwife staff that there had been problems in the past with social services and 2 boys had been adopted but they didnt really seem worried so I thought great finally they're going to leave me alone to play mummy but 4 weeks before Joanna was born a social worker phoned to say that a late referral had been made and could he come out to assess. After the assessment it was decided that Joanna would be placed in foster care because they hadnt had time to properly assess the family situation i.e mental health concerns i.e past postnatal depression the prats. Anyway Joanna ended up in care for a year while they did psyciatric assessments and parenting assessments and she also went through the court arena. During this time our solicitor and social workers agreed that from the time of 1999 and 2003 we as a family had been failed badly and our solicitor said we could if we wanted to take B social services and the solicitors representing us at that time back to court for malpractive (? spelling) We have decided at this present time not to do that as i'm exhausted of court hearings and it will never get the adoptions overturned as thats not legal law over here, once an adoption order made there it remains. But that may make you understand why I'm so scared of getting ill again this time because i've been through hell and back to become a mummy and I don't want to risk what I have but at the same time I love my unborn baby but I don't want to be ill with PND.

 

[Suzie and Faith]

Hey, I can't imagine how hard things must be/have been for you and i'm no good with offering advice as this will be my first.

I just wanted you to know i'd read your story and I think you are so brave and strong and i'm so sorry that the system failed you.

Talk things through with people who know your situation - midwife etc and get all the help you can.

I also wanted to give you some of these

 

[bhe101]

April, so sorry to read all that youve been through
I think its an absolute disgrace, glad that its finaly been realised that it was infact the socail workers in the wrong and not you. You deserved more help and support. I do hope this time round things are very different for you.
My daughter was also born early by emergency C-section,she weighed 4lb 3 oz and was in intensive then special care. Unlike you it took a while for me to admit I was struggling but when i did I just felt suffocated by the people trying to help. As I had suffered for years before i knew the signs and had ways of dealing with certain feelings. I came off medication last year and I'm hoping I wont need them again but will just have to see.

 

[Sydneysmum]

I'm so sorry you were treated so badly. Please remember that low self esteem is a symptom of depression and although you feel that you might not be able to cope at the moment, with the right support you will be able to cope, I'm sure.

I too suffered really bad pnd after my son was born 9 years ago but I never asked for help. My husband had just left, the religeous organisation I'd been cocooned in since I was a child dumped me and my parents were both busy dealing with their own problems. I found it very difficult to go out and slowly slipped into a very dark downward spiral. I have a brilliant partner now, his parents are 100% behind us and of course I have my lovely little boy who has always been my rock - that doesn't stop me being apprehensive though.

Please remember that Social Services got it wrong - it wasn't your fault and also as bhe mentions above, you've been through this before - you know the signs and you know how to deal with them. Use your experience to become stronger and gain some confidence from this - in some ways because you've had experience, you're in a better position than new mums who get pnd and don't understand what's happening.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well and that you can learn to be not so frightened of something that was not your fault.

 

[missjennipenni]

This is my 3rd, and i am soooo dreading it! I know how awful & painfull its going to be & im petrified

 

[bowmanzoo]

Hi gals

Thanx for your understanding and words of support and encouragement. I managed to speak to a close friend today who said she also felt like this with her 4th child as she'd had really bad postnatal depression on her 3rd and she also said she understood where I was coming from because she's seen the poop i've gone through to get to where i'm at now. She said that when she was pregnant with number 4 she felt the same as me and tried her best to ignore the fact she was pregnant but when M was born everything just fell into place which is what i'm hoping for lol. thanks again.

 

[kalia]

 

[bowmanzoo]

thanx for the hugs, much apprititated

 

[longpinkamazing]

I am not scared that i am havign another. I am scared i am having a boy lol. I have no idea how to raise one and am just used to raising a girl for 16 years.

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi,

Just wanted to say that I was horrified when I read what you've been through, and I think you must be a really strong and brave person to carry on fighting to fulfill your dream of motherhood despite what has happened in the past. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a baby taken away like that. I have a friend who had depression and whose child was placed on the 'at risk' register due to this - it's hardly an inspiration for one to seek help! Yet you see plenty of stories in the news about battered babies; often when there has been ongoing concern and social services have failed to act! It is all wrong somehow!

I think it's only natural to worry about having a further child. When I had my second I worried about how it would affect my love for my first, and if I could ever love another baby as much etc etc. The first few months are tough but now when I look back I can't understand what I was ever worried about. I'm expecting my third and funnily enough I'm not quite as worried, even though we're having different problems with our two girls at present! Sometimes I do wonder how I am going to manage though, I must admit!

All the very best and very sorry to hear what has happened to you. I think you'll be ok, stay strong.