am not doing to good

[pammie]

Hi everyone

I lost a baby in july that was due today and for the past couple of weeks i have been living in an emotional hell. ( doesnt help that i lost another one before christmas) today feels like the hardest day and my husband is out celebrating st paddys day (he is irish) but i feel a bit angry because he doesnt seem to mind what type of day it is for me, although he did buy me a bunch of flowers.

I work on a gyneacology ward and am finding it increasingly difficult to go into work and face the staff and patients as the staff are the people that looked after me when i was losing my last baby and some of the patient are going through what i went through day in and day out am not only seeing hystorectomys and laparoscopys but am seeing misscarriages and abotions that went wrong, even ivf's that have failed every story feels like its part of mine, i broke down in work last week and havent been back since (am due back tommorrow) am hyper sensitive moody agressive i cry at every little thing and all i want to do is lay under my duvet.
I cant even face being round my family, my sister inlaw is due in may and my brother keeps asking me to be there at the birth with them and there constatntly asking me advise about being pregnant (its her second child) they are probably oblivious but it feels like its just another dig at me (told you i was hyper sensitive)
And when we go to see my husbands family am getting nagged by his aunts his sister his gran about when am i going to give him a child and that i shouldnt keep putting it of for my career, i feel like screaming at them but i just bite my tounge smile go home and cry.

I just want to feel better, i dont want to cry or feel sad and i dont know what to do to help me feel that

thanks for reading my ramble

Pam x

 

[rach]

hi hun im so sorry for your losses and im not suprised your finding work difficult with what you have to see everyday
sorry i dont know what to suggest to help you but i hope your babys due date passes as peacefully as possible for you xxxxxxx

 

[pammie]

thanks rach

I know there are people in worse and probably more painful situations than me but sometimes the upset just grips me and i cant let it go most of my friends think i shoud be over it by now but how do you get over something like that?, anyway am just probably being self indulgent, but sometimes writing about it really helps,
am not expecting answers of anyone really but it makes me feel slightly normal to know that there are people out there who understand me a little.
I have just applied for yet another new job as i feel the one am in is keeping me down a little.

thankyou for listlening,

Pam x

 

[NickyB]

I don't know what to say, you can only hear 'it does get better' so many times. But, I had to say, I definitely get your husband to speak with his family and ask them to say things like that to you, there's nothing worse!!

 

[Slinky Sarah]

i understand exactly what your feeling hun...My due date was just over a week ago now (march 1st) and it was an aweful day
My OH was totally understanding at my mood though, even if we did have a huge row! He understands that im a mummy (in my eyes...not sure if anyone else agrees there or not).
there maybe people out there that have 'had it worse' hun but you lost your child, nothing is worse than that. Be good to yourself hun and please dont bottle it all up
We are all here for you hun xxx

And good luck for the new job

 

[tracey 2]

i dont think you can ever really get over it and i dont think you should ever try to force yourself to grieving is a process that can take time and really does affect us in funny ways, the way your feeling is normal just take it easy on yourself.

have you spoken to anyone a counsellor/doc or even friend about how your feeling i find counselling really helps.

but you know im a PM away anytime you ever need me you have been fab with me and if i can ever do anything then please shout anytime.

In mean time sending hugs

 

[pammie]

thankyou everyone

I havent really spoken to anyone about any of my losses, when i try to speak to friends they give me the impression they dont want me to talk about it (some even tell me it wiil be better when i have a baby in my arms )
and even though initially when i lost the babies they offered me counselling it was only offered once and i dont know who i can go and talk to or even how to go about going to get help. and am not very good at showing my emotions either i get very frustrated with myself.
my husband is good but he just pats me and makes sushing noises which makes me feel bad for crying and bless him he is only trying to help

i sometimes wonder if the after care your offered is offered to soon or not often enough because initially your shocked and when it hits you its like there is no one there

and thankyou tracey the same applies to you if you ever need me, am under investigations now they think it is more than likely stickey blood which 2 of my aunties had (one now has 4 grown up children and the other has 3 ) but there testing me for thyroid and everything else

Pam x

 

[sarah113]

 

[mum2be?]

im so sorry hunny

i too lost a baby in july and would be due tommorrow, am dreading tommorrow

 

[DaisyRose]

Hi Pammie,

Just wanted to send you some of these

I was wondering about you the other day (you gave me some good advice on early scans at the end of last year); I'm really sorry about your loss in December and I'm very glad to hear the cause is being investigated now. It probably doesn't sound like much consolation right now but hopefully it's one major step on the road to having a healthy baby; I hope this happens for you really soon.

It must be extremely difficult working on a gyno ward, I can't begin to imagine how difficult. I hope yesterday wasn't too horrendous - I sort of know what you're going through with that as my Babaloon would have been due today (I lost at the end of last July too) - thought I was ok but got a bit upset just now. I think I will always feel like this on this day.

Take care and look after yourself

 

[pammie]

thanks everyone,

daisy and mum to be stay strong but dont be scared to cry and let it out, i was lucky when my son went to bed my hubby was out and i just let the tears fall. i didnt feel like i had to stop because somebody was there i could just carry on. people keep saying things can only get better (am sure that was a song by D:ream in 97) so lets look to the future hey !

Am back in work tonight on the night shift and to be honest I really am dreading it fingers crossed i get a new job soon hehe

hugs to all and thanks for the support
Pam xxxx