Advice for a first time pregnant who's heavily considering changing her mind due to relationship.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Francesca P, Mar 20, 2020.

  1. Francesca P

    Francesca P New Member

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    Need a bit of a help here really.
    Before I found out I was pregnant, me and my boyfriend had gone through a period of bad arguments that resulted in me moving out from his place. He lives with his parents, we were considering moving out together but I've had enough and just did it myself.
    He has been a possessive and manipulative person from almost the start and could never really wrap my head around why he acts the way he does. I hate talking about any of this as it makes me angry, but in short: a mentally and verbally abusive person who is so insecure that he needs to put the other down to feel secure enough in a relationship, because he used to cheat on his partners before me. We however have had lots of talks about kids and babies and we both knew we wanted a family with the same values. Didn't particularly plan on me falling pregnant but I did anyway. I found out after moving out from here and honestly my first thought was that I am so happy and we will be just fine and we will make it work. But here I am, 10 weeks pregnant and I am over it. I don't even know if I'm in love with my partner any longer, I know I absolutely hate being here and I can't actually visualize how will we be any better once we move out and live by ourselves and the baby. I'm scared that things will just happen again and when I have a baby I will be stuck with him. I don't know what to do, how to do it but I feel like just going off the grid, pack my bags and leave... I am not scared of having a child. I am scared of having a child with the wrong person and that I won't be able to give the kind of life to my child that I'd want them to have.
     
  2. chattychar1990

    chattychar1990 Well-Known Member

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    1st of all, well done for sharing your story, it must not have been easy writing all of that down.
    You need to get out of this relationship, it isn't healthy. Who's to say the next time he doesn't physically abuse you. For the sake of your health and safety you need to get out of that relationship ASAP.
    You will be the best mother to this baby, whether your partner is in its child life of not. Please do not stay just because you think you cant do this without him. You can!!
    Have you got any family and friends around you that can help? x
     
    Kitana likes this.
  3. WinterWolf

    WinterWolf Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Char, whether you want to keep the baby or not, you need to get away from this guy. These sorts of men tend to escalate the longer you're with them. Once you've done that you can decide what you want to do about the baby. You can absolutely raise it on your own if you don't want to terminate! A child doesn't need two parents to grow up happy. No matter who you have a baby with, you can't guarantee they'll be the perfect daddy when the baby actually comes anyway. x
     
  4. night owl

    night owl Well-Known Member

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    Definitely need to get out of the relationship it sounds seriously toxic, not a good environment for a baby, and I hope this doesn’t come across really negative but a baby isn’t gonna change anything if anything it will make things worse so getting pregnant wasn’t going to solve anything, babies and children need a happy home, good luck I hope you can cut ties with this man for the sake of both you and your baby
     
  5. Francesca P

    Francesca P New Member

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    Thanks to all 3 of you. I'm afraid I've got a slightly different mindset which might come across selfish, but I don't want to go into my first pregnancy on my own. Nor do I want to raise a child on my own... I'm trying to see/hear people who might have been in similar situations and how we deal with it - my description may have described my boyfriend as a horrible human being which he isnt. He has been helpful, not argumentitive, no signs of what we have problems with back in days. What I'm trying to say is - I've got no idea how long this lasts. Nor does anyone of you, so I'm not expecting answers...
     
  6. chattychar1990

    chattychar1990 Well-Known Member

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    If you didn't want advice on what you have posted then i think your at the wrong place.
    The way you have described your OH doesn't come across any other way but horrible. How is someone that is verbally and mentally abusive a nice person?!
    You are right though, you are being selfish bringing a child into a relationship that is toxic and abusive.
    I'm not sure if your relationship is going to last but if you want it to last you need to tell your OH exactly how you feel. Good luck in whatever you decide to do and i hope for the sake of your unborn child you decide to go at this alone and get rid of him!!
     
    night owl likes this.
  7. Francesca P

    Francesca P New Member

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    If I didn't want advice I wouldn't have posted. No point getting angry or upset about a stranger's opinion on an unborn baby, I've thanked all of you for your opinion! Things aren't exactly black and white and I am almost 100% sure you've had to deal with something complicated yourself at least once in your life. I've posted here to see different opinions and advices and I appreciate you doing that - what I don't need is hard judgement from someone I've never ever seen. If you feel like this is pointless, please just don't respond. Otherwise, once again, thank you for talking to me.
     
  8. chattychar1990

    chattychar1990 Well-Known Member

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    1. I’m not angry or upset.
    2. I’m not judging you?! I’m judging your abusive boyfriend that you have posted about?!
    3. I’m giving you my advice, that you came here for.
     
  9. night owl

    night owl Well-Known Member

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    You’ve said you’ve had bad arguments with him, so bad you had to move out, you’ve said he’s been possessive and manipulative right from the start, that he makes you angry, you’ve said he’s mentally and verbally abusive, insecure and puts other people down - he sounds like an absolute keeper lol, and of course it was a brilliant idea getting pregnant to him!

    Ok seriously though, a baby NEEDS a happy harmonious family life, and happy, calm parents, it is damaging and unfair to them to grow up witnessing nasty toxic relationships, you are extremely selfish to be considering bringing a baby into this, doesn’t matter if it’s good 80% of the time and bad 20% of the time, the 20% bad will stay with them for life, believe me I know, cut ties with this man and in future be a lot more selective about who you get pregnant too
    All the best
     
    chattychar1990 likes this.
  10. WinterWolf

    WinterWolf Well-Known Member

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    I was with a man who was exactly like your boyfriend. I knew he was a bit dodgy at times but also convinced myself it was good 80% of the time, so he was a good person really. Once I finally left him (after 5 years!) I realised how awful he really was.. the "good" times with him were like the bad times with my husband. You're too close to the situation to really see how bad it is. If I got pregnant with that guy my baby would have had an awful life. Don't force a child to grow up with a loser father just because you don't want to be alone. Your real options are leave him, terminate and start again or leave him, keep the baby and go it alone. Staying and keeping the baby is the worst decision you could make as I can guarantee, from experience, you'll split up eventually.
     

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