3yr 4m old pushing and hitting children

[kanga86]

I don't normally post in b&t but I'm in need of advice.

Since starting nursery/ James (13m now) being on the move started back in April/May time Harry's behaviour has got really bad. He constantly pushes or hits James which I thought was normal sibling rivalry behaviour for a James touching Harry's toys but it is getting worse. Nursery have approached me over the last few weeks about him pushing the other kids sometimes completely unprovoked (he does this to James too) and gets very territorial over certain toys at nursery too.

Then today at a soft play I had to sit him on time out for pushing other kids and then had a mum come up shouting at me to control my son as he has made her son cry twice and he had just pushed her friends child too. I felt awful as I was watching and trying to discipline but she made me feel like an awful parent. Then I thought when did I end up with the bully kid

Any tips to sort out the behaviour? Time out doesn't seem to work as he finds it funny and then will come back and do it straight away again. I'm trying to talk to him and he says that he is pushing and that he is sorry but doesn't have the words to say why he is doing it. So he knows it's wrong but still does it. I'm at a loss and starting to fear taking him anywhere as I know he will push another kid or James xx

 

[Kay Kay]

Kanga I don't have any advice unfortunately as I'm in the same boat. My lo seems to be pushing other kids just for my attention. He knows it's wrong but thinks it's funny. I hate that feeling when another parent is angry with you. I think some mums are really ott to be honest, all kids act out at times. Why make the parent feel like s**t! Hope it's just a short phase as I know how mortifying and worrying this kind of behaviour can be x

 

[Emily0505]

I've been going through this with Cam.

The plan from the nursery is to do lots of moulding- so sitting with him and encouraging and teaching him how to play and share.

They've identified his strengths- good communication, ability to follow instructions etc.

They've identified triggers and done what they can to remove them eg- certain toys.

Rather than say don't do something, we've got to tell him what we want him to do instead. So, not 'don't hit' instead day 'use gentle hands' etc

They use what they call a restorative approach so if he hits someone then they would ask why he had done it and then discuss how it would make them feel. But, at the same time not overloading him with speech.

They mentioned using stickers to reward good behaviour and lots of praise for good behaviour.

He does get time outs but not every time he hits etc which I'm worried is inconsistent and may confuse him. The nursery are applying for funding for a keyworker for him so he'll have one to one attention for a full day at nursery. So depending upon how his behaviour goes, consistent consequences for his actions could be something I discuss further.

It made me feel awful and so anxious about him going to nursery. I felt very judged as a parent and like I was a shit mum.

It's all a learning process for them and they've got to learn how to deal appropriately with how they feel. I often feel like giving someone a high five in the face but I have a filter which stops me from doing that. Our boys just need to develop their behavioural filter.

Big hugs hun.

XX

 

[tinselcat]

Hi kanga

I've just been reading "Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting" on my kindle and it's targetted at 3 years upwards. The advice in there I think is FAB and I would highly recommend getting it & putting their strategies into practice.

To cut things short, when your boy does something good or avoids doing something naughty (but was thinking about it), the book recommends you should "descriptively praise" the good behaviour that you've just witnessed. Even if it's, "I saw you thinking about pushing James over but you did really well to walk past him and not push him" or similar.

There's lots of other strategies in there, e.g. make sure you're spending at least 10 mins one-on-one time with each child a day.

Hope things turn around soon for you xx