why can't I be excited like everyone else - warning essay

[Ginnymarie]

Hi guys

you may have gathered I am a bit of a worrier but enough has enough, what is the matter with me...

I can't get excited about this baby, she is very much loved and wanted and I would be DESPERATE if anything happened but the worry is taking over my life.

Mainly, I am worrired I can't cope.

I have suffered depression in the past and I find it a battle keeping on top of it, fatigue and lonliness and sleep deprivation are the main things that trigger it and yes.....that is what I have coming!

I have worried in this pregnancy from hair dye to ginger tablets to face cream to period pains, I obsess about germs, smoking, dogs and have had a few rifts in my family because of my issues. My mum understands my worries and fears and said they are natural protective instincts thankfully, other people have not been as nice.

One of my bestest friends is a male and we worked together, he was like a gay pal, chocolate and a cup of tea anytime I needed a friend, but he left my work for a better a job and now it is too weird meeting up as it feels disloyal to my partner.

This guy was amazing after my miscarriage, he was so supportive, he had bi-polar himself and could understand all my worries and now I have lost him, I have felt myself grieving over him like and ex-boyfriend. My hubby is supportive but more in a practical way, a very masculine way, you would not catch my hubby acting the way my friend did. He never crossed any boudries, we were close friends for 3 years.

I am feeling so guilty for even writing this as I should be feel soo lucky that I am pregnant and going to be having a beautiful little girl but the enormity of the situation, the life change, the impending pain of labour,
the pressures on me and hubby, the arguments in my family over smoking and dogs and germs, the endless washing, the stiches, post-natal depression......why can't I see the bright side?

One thing is that I am very focused on nesting and getting things done but even this has become lists after lists and worries I don't have eveything or won't get everything done.

I am going mad !!!!

thanks for listening, I don't expect you guys to respond but it feels better getting this all of my chest xxx

 

[Jade&Evie]

hope you feel better soon- have some chocolate... it IS Easter!

 

[loz]

Hope you feel better soon. Can you talk to your midwife about all this?
Can you plan in a treat each day so you have something to look forward to every morning? Are able to drive to get out of the house everyday?
If you just nest, you might be feeding into your anxiety more - if there is something else to do, like meet family or friends, make a cake, go shopping, it might not feel so bad?
I feel quite worried about it all as well, but am trying to plan something each day to keep me going.

 

[Sherlock]

If you don't mind I'll post a few suggestions below and hopefully there will be something of use to you in there.

What strikes me in all of what you have said is that you realise your problems/issues and that's half the battle IMO. You can address and possibly make a few things better to live with

Do you have counselling to be able to talk about your concerns to an impartial professional? It might be worth asking your GP to try to arrange an appointment for you.

I think you do need to stop focusing on the negatives as you really don't know if some of those things will even happen. So why focus on those now? Yes of course give it some thought but don't allow it to take over. Put it away afte 15 minutes and tell that thought it has to hold on for a few days until you are ready for another 15 minutes with it

If you are concerned about sleep deprivation then please take the opportunity now to try to arrange some back up support so it does not get too much for you and become a major issue when LO arrives. Even if its your mother helping out a few hours a couple of times a week so you can go sleep and catch up on your ZZZZzzzzz's.

Please remember that you can sleep when baby sleeps in those early weeks. And do so. Don't worry about having the house spotless and so on. Its good Baby will have a few things floating round, helps build immunity. To sterile isn't natural and a child needs to build natural immunity to things around them. Try to learn to relax a bit about it all. As time goes on you cannot wrap your baby up in a plastic bubble and they will do things that will make you cringe a bit, be it picking up something off the floor and putting it in their mouths to putting their hands in mud and then decided to have a taste All part of childhood.

Take some time out for yourself each day, put your feet up, and do something other than think about baby and all the things that come with it. Be it a DVD, a book, a coffee and a magazine to flick through.

 

[muppetmummy]

It's only natural to be worried hun, it's a huge thing having a baby so it's not surprising you're going to feel a bit anxious about it. It's probably the biggest event you'll go through in life and is definately life changing.

If you haven't done already I would talk to your midwife about your fears about the birth and accompanying sleep deprivation triggering your past depression. If she's aware of it she can keep an extra eye out for the signs. Sleep deprivation is awful and something I worry about too. We just need to make sure we sleep at every opportunity when the baby sleeps.

It's a shame that you feel you've lost your best friend, he sounds great. Is there no way you could see more of him? Maybe invite him around for a meal with you and your OH? You shouldn't feel disloyal about meeting up with him, if you've been friends for 3 years surely your partner wouldn't mind you spending time with him?

I'm sure once the baby arrives you'll feel much better. You'll be too busy to feel bored or lonely, and having a baby will open up lots more opportunities to meet other mums with babies the same age

 

[Penstraze]

Hope your feeling beter soon, can't give much advice except one thing speak to your husband about this gay male friend, he may not have any problems at all about you meeting for a chat and why shouldn't you, would wouldn't feel quilty about it if he was a woman you don't fancy him he doesn't fancy you (I asume) you just want to be friends and have been for years theres no harm in that! Good friends arn't easy to come by and he sounds like a good friend don't give that up just because hes male! Has your husband actually said he wont be happy with you meeting him and staying friend?

 

[GBLiz]

dont beat yourself up over how you're feeling..you're a worrier but its not surprising given your previous loss and depression.....

its not that you're ungrateful for beng pregnant you're just too worried to be excited, I'm a worrier too ive finally managed to relax and get excited (thank god!) but i hear and understand you and i dont think you're going mad at all.

If there is anyone you can chat to about how you'll look after the baby, then speak with them...call up your gay friend, its not being disloyal. Im sure just getting it off your chest to a real person will make it seem less of a mountain.

A lot of us here dont know the first thing about babies but we'll cope ...because people do!! And if you DO struggle, you'll be able to deal with it as the problems arise, you dont need to be second guessing all the things that might go wrong.

But speak to your dr aswell because if you're at high risk of PND they may prefer to put you on anti-depressants before you give birth so that they are working by the time the babys born

 

[Ginnymarie]

thanks so much guys

I will totally take what you are saying on board, I will talk to my midwife, she knows a bit about my anxieties, panic attacks etc...

thing is with this guy, he acts like a gay friend...he gossips and loves a latte BUT he isn't gay.....he has a girlfriend of 2 years and she

HATES ME.....she is very young and insecure and hates us being friends so he is very shifty seeing me out of work. She is very controlling of him but he is with her for the finacial security, she bought them a flat and paid off his debts !

my OH is so laid back, he likes him and what he does for me, he is not threatned at all as my OH is pretty dishy...well I would say that and my male friend isn't really.....before he met his girlfriend he would come round to the flat for meals and meet my OH for pints, we got on grand, yes it was weird at first and my hubby made a few remarks but he soon clicked there was no threat or tension. My hubby has a female friend who he goes out for lunch with, she texts him and even puts kisses on the texts but she is equally nice to me and my gut instict is no threat....a womans instinct is strong.

It is all a bit complicated and yes he is a good friend but one I just have to access to right now except by e-mail.

why is life so complicated

p.s yes i will talk to my mum about sleepless nights, however, I have a jealous dad and I'm worried he won't let her come up to see me and baby as much as she would want to.....just to add to the complications

 

[Suzie and Faith]

Is the girlfriend of your guy mate at all contactable? Could you arrange maybe a double date style meal for all 4 of you? If you can show her that you mean no harm to her relationship then maybe it'll be easier to see your friend?

Other than that i don't have many ideas on what to do - everything Sherlock said is fantastic advice.

It's natural to worry a lot about your LO and life with her. Don't beat yourself up about the worrying.

It sounds like you already tell people how you're feeling, keep this up as it really helps if someone knows how down you feel.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Ginnymarie]

Hi

We all used to work together, my friend met his girlfriend through work and I tried soooo hard to be nice but she was offish with all the women in my team, we were never ever flirty with him and very respectful, I think he makes it worse, to boost his ego he makes out the women are more flirty than they are which fuels her insecurity.

He does have wandering eyes, I would not want to be his boyfriend, not for me but I can see why she is insecure but she has the wrong lass with me, I know who he has his eye on, so her instinct is right but with the wrong, like a soap opera I know. He is brilliant friend but would be a nightmare OH.

 

[Penstraze]

Hi

We all used to work together, my friend met his girlfriend through work and I tried soooo hard to be nice but she was offish with all the women in my team, we were never ever flirty with him and very respectful, I think he makes it worse, to boost his ego he makes out the women are more flirty than they are which fuels her insecurity.

He does have wandering eyes, I would not want to be his boyfriend, not for me but I can see why she is insecure but she has the wrong lass with me, I know who he has his eye on, so her instinct is right but with the wrong, like a soap opera I know. He is brilliant friend but would be a nightmare OH.

Poor girl it is awful to feel that insecure in a relationship and to have a partner who isn't trust worthy and likes to play on your insecurities (don't have a relationship like that now but we went through a patch where he enjoyed making me jealous cause Im not normally a jealous person which he found hard and thought ment I wasn't bothered ) I would still try and arrange a double date type thing as babybee suggested, if she can see how happy and in love you are with you OH she may accept your not interested in him and be less insecure and nicer towards you, is worth a try at least!

 

[Happybunny]

Hi Honey, just wanted to give you some hugs!
I don't think you are mad or wrong for feeling the way you do. I have expressed similar fears to my psychotherapist and he assures me that almost every pregnant woman has these thoughts at some point in their pregnancy, it is entirely natural. None of us who are pregnant for the first time are experts. None of us know exactly what it is going to be like and how we will cope. I have been lucky and had him to talk too, so now I am feeling confident and happy. I believe instinct will kick in and although I may not have a 'text book' home or method of raising my child, they will be happy, loved and cared for.
I think you will really benefit from talking to your MW, she may be able to organise some counselling or support. It could be really useful, just to give you a chance to get things off of your chest and get some support if you feel you need it.
I hope you are ok, please don't get too bogged down, you will be a really lovely mammy!

 

[Ginnymarie]

hi guys

you are right, I can suggest they come over for a pub lunch as we live in a nice village, she likes the country side.

She is gorgeous, im a pregnant elephant and I would hope she would relax, but to be honest I don't think they would even come to me and OH house as a couple.

yes me and OH had a bad batch when I was jealous so I know how she feels too, it is awful, we were living apart and it wasn't good.

Happy bunny - I will def talk to my midwife, hope you have a lovely relaxing day in Durham, thanks for the words of advice x
x

 

[marie_77]

sending you lots of . i can see why this friend was important he seems to have been able to meet ur emotional needs which is important for all of us to have met. dont feel u have to feel a certain way because you are pregnant its normal too feel all sorts of emotions i know i do ppl cant expect us to be happy constantly when pregnancy brings a lot of changes. i would ask yourself if seeing your friend will help you feel better in your self if so i would consider having a chat as it seems this was very beneficial to you in the past. friends are important male or female and unlike family are able to advice us without being bias. i hope this helps.

marie x

 

[muppetmummy]

I think suggesting to your friend that the 4 of you go out together is a good idea. It's a shame that his girlfriend sees you as a threat when you're not. It doesn't sound like your friend is helping the situation much though by having his eye on someone else and telling his girlfriend how women flirt with him. I feel a bit sorry for her in a way

 

[andreaaa]

Advice given so far seems spot on, nothing really for me to add... just wanted to give you some

 

[Geordie&Bairn]

How are you feeling now Ginnymire
dont feel bad about your long rant
you should see some of mine
you rant away its every pregnant ladies right.
and dont feel bad about your feelings towards you male friend
growing up all my close friends where male and by bset mate Brett was the best friend you could ask for
when i began working abroad then moved down south i missed him like mad.

Your right Oh sometimes dont get what we need to express thats why mates are so important

as for not feeling happy about the baby that will come huny
ive been though a misscarrige and it took me ages to stop worrying over evey little thing.
i was petrified it would happen agian butim much calmer nad happy with everything

big huge huggies from me luv
any time if you need some one to talk to then PM me
sarah