Saw this on another forum, written by a littlegiggles from wales 
Jeremy Kyle: On todays show, we meet girlfriends scared of their violent partners. Let's meet Donna. She's 17, and she says her family doesn't approve of the way she is being treated by her boyfriend, even though she says he's the father of her 4 month old baby. Donna, everybody!
Donna: Yeah but no but yeah but no but it's not Damions fault he headbutted me, it's just the baby might not be his and Mums a slag anyway so shut up!
JK: Welcome to the show, Donna...so you say he headbutted you while you were pregnant?
Donna: Yeah but I was shouting at him, so really, you can see where he was coming from...
JK: You love him even though he hits you? I'll have you know I'D never hit MY wife when she was pregnant with MY child and I'd move HEAVEN AND EARTH to kill anyone with my bare hands who touched MY WOMAN! Why are you with him?
Donna: Cos I love 'iiiim!
JK: Ok, well there are two sides to every story. Let's see what Donnas boyfriend has to say. Damion, everbody!
Audience: BOOOOOOO!
Damion: *walks in grabbing his crotch and sticking two fingers up at the audience* beep you all, you don't even beep know me, she's a beep who's beep all me mates and me brother and me brother said she was nothing compared to my last girlfriend cos she won't even take it in the bum so nurr!
JK: Hello Damion.
Damion: Alreet.
JK: So you er...headbutted her whilst she was preggers?
Damion: Yeah but I was acquitted cos the CCTV camera near maccy D's had a bird poo on it so they had no evidence, innit. So I never did it, did I? Spackers!
JK: But you did headbutt her?
Damion: Yeah but no but you don't understand! Cos my mate Daz says she's been shaggin' everyone and she even gave 'im a gobble in aldi's carpark in return for a swig of 'is White Lightening!
JK: Er...nice. Do you think you're the father to little Tarquin?
Donna: He is!
JK: *screams* I WASN'T ASKING YOU!
Damion: No, cos 'e won't even eat an 'appy meal so 'e can't be mine!
JK: ...wait, I thought he was 4 months old...?
Donna: Shurrup Damion, you know you're 'is Dad cos it's either you, Banksy or your brother, but it couldn't be either of them cos they did me up against a wall and everybody knows sperm can't swim upwards!
JK: *Yelling from the back of the audience* ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND YOU'LL BE DRAGGED OFF MY STAGE TO BE TEABAGGED BY MY SECURITY STAFF! I'M HARD, Y'KNOW! *Hides*
JK: ..........Ahem....Damion...do you love her?
Damion: Yeah, course. Duh.
JK: and if the baby is yours?
Damion: I'll bring it up to wear burberry and love Man U just like me, innit!
JK: ok, well let's see those DNA tests!
*opens envelope and looks grave*
JK: Donna, you said it was one of three guys. We took DNA samples from all three and matched them against little Tarquin. Are you ready for the results?
Donna: Yeah, I wanna show him he can trust me, innit? cos I love 'iiiim! *pulls chair closer to scowling Damion*
JK: The DNA results show that...Tarquin doesn't belong to any of the men tested.
*Audience erupts with abuse*
Damion: You fookin' slag! i'll fookin' 'ave yer!
Donna: It weren't my fault it was your Dad's!
JK: I'm sensing this is all because of drugs. Is it because of drugs? I bet it's drugs. Is it drugs? Am I right? It's drugs isn't it? Ah go on, it's drugs, isn't it! Is it drugs?
Jeremy Kyle: On todays show, we meet girlfriends scared of their violent partners. Let's meet Donna. She's 17, and she says her family doesn't approve of the way she is being treated by her boyfriend, even though she says he's the father of her 4 month old baby. Donna, everybody!
Donna: Yeah but no but yeah but no but it's not Damions fault he headbutted me, it's just the baby might not be his and Mums a slag anyway so shut up!
JK: Welcome to the show, Donna...so you say he headbutted you while you were pregnant?
Donna: Yeah but I was shouting at him, so really, you can see where he was coming from...
JK: You love him even though he hits you? I'll have you know I'D never hit MY wife when she was pregnant with MY child and I'd move HEAVEN AND EARTH to kill anyone with my bare hands who touched MY WOMAN! Why are you with him?
Donna: Cos I love 'iiiim!
JK: Ok, well there are two sides to every story. Let's see what Donnas boyfriend has to say. Damion, everbody!
Audience: BOOOOOOO!
Damion: *walks in grabbing his crotch and sticking two fingers up at the audience* beep you all, you don't even beep know me, she's a beep who's beep all me mates and me brother and me brother said she was nothing compared to my last girlfriend cos she won't even take it in the bum so nurr!
JK: Hello Damion.
Damion: Alreet.
JK: So you er...headbutted her whilst she was preggers?
Damion: Yeah but I was acquitted cos the CCTV camera near maccy D's had a bird poo on it so they had no evidence, innit. So I never did it, did I? Spackers!
JK: But you did headbutt her?
Damion: Yeah but no but you don't understand! Cos my mate Daz says she's been shaggin' everyone and she even gave 'im a gobble in aldi's carpark in return for a swig of 'is White Lightening!
JK: Er...nice. Do you think you're the father to little Tarquin?
Donna: He is!
JK: *screams* I WASN'T ASKING YOU!
Damion: No, cos 'e won't even eat an 'appy meal so 'e can't be mine!
JK: ...wait, I thought he was 4 months old...?
Donna: Shurrup Damion, you know you're 'is Dad cos it's either you, Banksy or your brother, but it couldn't be either of them cos they did me up against a wall and everybody knows sperm can't swim upwards!
JK: *Yelling from the back of the audience* ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU AND YOU'LL BE DRAGGED OFF MY STAGE TO BE TEABAGGED BY MY SECURITY STAFF! I'M HARD, Y'KNOW! *Hides*
JK: ..........Ahem....Damion...do you love her?
Damion: Yeah, course. Duh.
JK: and if the baby is yours?
Damion: I'll bring it up to wear burberry and love Man U just like me, innit!
JK: ok, well let's see those DNA tests!
*opens envelope and looks grave*
JK: Donna, you said it was one of three guys. We took DNA samples from all three and matched them against little Tarquin. Are you ready for the results?
Donna: Yeah, I wanna show him he can trust me, innit? cos I love 'iiiim! *pulls chair closer to scowling Damion*
JK: The DNA results show that...Tarquin doesn't belong to any of the men tested.
*Audience erupts with abuse*
Damion: You fookin' slag! i'll fookin' 'ave yer!
Donna: It weren't my fault it was your Dad's!
JK: I'm sensing this is all because of drugs. Is it because of drugs? I bet it's drugs. Is it drugs? Am I right? It's drugs isn't it? Ah go on, it's drugs, isn't it! Is it drugs?
