Younger partner wants me to be an older mum

[Cheryz]

I'm a 24 year old woman currently in a year long relationship with a slightly younger man. Ever since I was young I've always known I wanted kids at a young age and have felt ready in myself for years now but I've never been in a good enough relationship before to even broach the subject, but with my current partner it's something we've spoken about quite a few times now in conversation and it seems obvious we've both got different views on becoming parents for the first time. I personally feel we're in a stable enough relationship for it, and tbh I'm sure that's something he would agree on, so personally I would ideally want to start our family within about 2 years (I'd be happy if I were to get pregnant in 2 years time when I'm 26), however my partner flat out refuses to even start trying for another 6 years from now, meaning I'll be a mother for the first time at 31 at the very very earliest. I feel that is WAY too late for me! Painfully late! His reason is that he put his university plans on hold for personal reasons and due to the length of his course he won't graduate until then, and obviously doesn't want to have a newborn to be thinking about while he has to be studying hard. I think that's all fair enough, and if this were any other conflict beyond becoming a mother I'd be more than happy to put things on hold for him but I feel like I want this so so much, I find it cripplingly depressing to know I'm not going to have it for so long, and I'll be a much older mother than I ever wanted to be.

I suppose the advice I want is from people who had kids through university, had kids when they personally felt they weren't financially ready (as that's his other big argument, but honestly is anyone ever totally financially ready??), older mums who wanted kids young but ended up having them later, etc. I know realistically my options are to either wait as he wants/needs me to, maybe see opportunities along the way to bring things forward of he's happy, or to give up on the relationship to find someone else who may be willing to start a family quicker (not really an option in my head!). Getting pregnant and trapping (or other equally stupid options) aren't crossing my mind for anyone interested. I love him to bits, I just find this really emotionally difficult to handle.

 

[Titch85]

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[mylullaby]

Ditto with not being in this situation, but I would add to Titch's comment this possibility: does he definitely want to have children in 6 years time? With you? Because I know I would be beyond angry if I waited all that time and he then turned round and said he didn't want kids after all... or "Hmm... we have XYZ going on at the moment, let's wait another 5 years..."

If you're sure that you and children are definitely part of his long-term future, then perhaps you could compromise and start trying in, say, four years? Money might be tight if he's still studying, but plenty of people cope on a tight budget - especially when their pregnancy is unplanned. You could set up a savings account now and deposit as much as you can afford into your baby fund.

 

[PeaPod]

I met my now husband just before i turned 21. He had finished uni and i was in my last year of nursing school. We talked about baby names on our very first date and i knew then that i wanted to be with him and have a family........ it then took him 9 bloody years to marry me and we had our son as a honeymoon baby! It was a tough 9 years for me as i really wanted to have children, like you, in my mid 20's, but he just wasnt ready but he kept 'dangling the carrot' that we would get married and have children by the time i was 30. He proposed just before i turned 29!! We got married a week after my 30th and we had our son last year, a few months before i turned 31. Baby no.2 will arrive 3months after i turn 32.
There were many times when i questioned if it would ever happen and it caused many arguments but we worked too well as a couple for me to give up. I constantly worried about having fertility problems but decided to just leave that in the fate of my body. Luckily for me ive fallen pregnant twice now within the first month of trying. Im so glad i did hang around and wait as our son is gorgeous and my OH is a fantastic dad and not a bad husband either.

I know how hard it is when you feel like your life is on hold because you need the input of someone else and for years my heart would break at the thought of not getting the family i so longed for BUT we got there! And im so glad we did it this way round as we're now in a position for me to have a break from a career and i can stay at home with my babies!

Only you can know in your heart what you are willing to wait for.XxX

 

[Daisy2011]

Thats really tricky.
I think that its fine to wait if your life is full in that 6 years and you are sure that he is the one and that he is being truthful about committing to being a good dad in 6 years time.

I worry though that you are putting your life on hold so that he can fulfil his dream. Thats a very large sacrifice. If you can fill that 6 years with good things for you a fulfilling job, study of your own whatever it is then go for it. If you feel that you just want to be a mum to several kids and that is your lifes work and purpose then this is not right for you. 6 years is a long time and you could find someone else who wants what you want and have four kids.

You do have lots of time if you just want one or two children - if your fertility is good. On average it takes 12 months for a couple to concive build this in to your plans and dont allow it to go beyond a point where your fertility is declining.
Good luck deciding what you want to do.
x Daisy