worried about stillbirth etc help needed

[mrsbrickelltobe]

hi girls!

im so worried i cant bring myself to look forward to baby. ive been convinced since day one that something would go wrong, couldnt believe all was well at first scan then made it to second scan. i know youll think im being silly but even at 33 weeks i am convinced that something will happen.

havent spoken about it before, dont want to scare other half, but got really upset at work last night, someone asked if im looking forward to having her, and if im really honest, i cant be excited.. i cant explain it but i keep thinking that if i dont lose her before then ill lose her at birth. making me really sad and worried


i thought that once nursery is done it will hit home that im having a baby to put in it, but secretly i sat in there and thought to myself, i bet she wopnt ever get to go in it. got myself upset again now. scaring myself all the time thinking about things that can happen..
how can i stop worrying and relax? please help...

 

[leckershell]

Hi, I know how you feel. I never posted this when I was in 3rd tri because I was worried I would offend people, but I thought about it all the time and even looked up my work's maternity leave policy for stillbirths

I would have suggested a 4d scan to you but at 33 weeks you'd be doing well to get one in on time as I think the latest they can get a good clear picture is 34 weeks...

I don't know what to suggest really. I was continually worried especially on days where I felt less movement or I had a glass of wine I was convinced I'd just killed it...

Of course nobody can promise that everything will be alright, but stillbirths are pretty uncommon. That's all I kept telling myself.

I'm sorry for you cos I know how it feels and it's not nice, and there's nobody to talk to in case you upset them. But honestly chick things will be fine. Just try to relax and enjoy the end of your pregnancy. Give your bump a voice if it helps, make it say things (I'm mad.. lol) like "looking forward to meeting you daddy" and things like that, make it talk to people about looking forward to being born, and then you'll start to forget that there's a teeny tiny chance it won't because it's as if there's someone actually talking..

I'm nuts though, but hey it worked for me

 

[Nicola g]

 

[mrsbrickelltobe]

lol your as mad as me!

cant understand where its all came from. i never ever thought about it when preg with my son. just looked forward to having him.

im sorry if i have worried other people now, its why ive never mentioned it as i dont want to upset people but its worse me keeping it in, especially as i cant talk to oh about my fears.

hoping i can relax in next few weeks. (btw ive had my two routine scans, i had a private gender scan, then a 4d scan at 29 weeks and another what they call reassurance scan with babybond so cant do no more really!)

 

[DebbieM]

Same here. Some days I convince myself of the same things. Ridiculous I know. I KNOW we will be bringing our baby home with us but we all suffer from irrational fears.

Just do what i do and stay positive and busy and TRY not to think those thoughts. I know it's hard and I honestly think it is quite normal to think of bad things as well as good things.

You're not alone...

 

[GBLiz]

im glad you posted that cos now im not the only one...

its been my secret fear and ive even been looking up % incidences of stillbirths...but what i found out is that its a really REALLY low risk...

not that thats really put my mind fully at rest!

its a scarey thought but just got to keep positive and try not to dwell on it...at the same time i dont get overly excited about the baby until she's here....thats just how i deal with it

 

[Squiglet]

I posted the same thing in Pregnancy and loss a long time ago about this. I have never been able to convince myself that I'd give birth to a healthy baby... even when Tia was born and even now, I convince myself its only a matter of time before she gets sick, or has an accident and dies..

Its troubles me a lot.

Its one of the reasons I don't want people calling the baby the name we picked out, but everyone does... makes me feel sick when I hear it, like we are tempting fate.

Its also one of the reasons why nothing has really been finished or sorted out for the arrival of the baby.. just in case. We've done most of the nursery but haven't finished it because that too seems to be a tempting fate senario.

then after the arrival, Ill be panicking every five minutes over cot death like I did with Tia... I don't think the worry ever goes away.

 

[Gem & Leland]

im more paranoid now then i was in first tri , go figure !

 

[DebbieM]

Same here Gem.

At least we are all normal and share the same irrational fears though!

 

[MattM]

It's perfectly normal.

There are two things here.

The first is that we are pre-disposed to looking at the worst case scenario for something you want so much. It's the mind's way of trying to protect you if the worst happened. I had convinced myself before every scan that they would find something wrong. I had convinced myself Debbie's blood tests would show a high risk for downs. I was convinced that we'd find a cleft palette on our 4D scan or some other disfigurement. None of these things came true and merely thinking them did not become a portent.

The second is accepting that something good can happen for you. It's easy to concentrate on the negatives in daily life. Sometimes it feels like something good can't happen because you don't deserve it or don't warrant it. This is largely attributed to issues with low self esteem.

It's normal to worry. Just keep comfort in the fact that the odds are with you and you can expect a normal healthy baby.

 

[mrsbrickelltobe]

phew thanks everyone
im so glad im not alone even though i dont wish anyone to worry. kept thinking paranoid thoughts like perhaps this is how post natal depression starts with worry/anxieties etc. im sort of glad that we all have similar fears.

heres wishing everyone safe and healthy deliveries,

thanks xxxx

 

[Squiglet]

Just keep comfort in the fact that the odds are with you and you can expect a normal healthy baby.

Thing is though thats not always true and once you have experienced it once, it makes the second time round quite worrying too.

Tia was born with a rare genetic illness, Poland Syndrome which wasn't detected until she was born, she is going to require surgery at some point in her life to correct her chest... and there is a long history in my family of women having children with some form of disorder. Still borns are common with both my grandmother and mother having had them. As well as now, three generations of women in my family giving birth to babies with genetic disorders.

We still don't know if this baby will be born with the same condition as Tia.. not all conditions are determinable through scans. Although we have had a 3D scan as it was the best possible way of seeing PS, but unfortunately it wasn't very clear.

And while its normal to worry and very easy for people to say that we are pre disposed to look at the worst case senario... sometimes people worry for good reasons. Birth is quite a traumatic event for both mother and baby, and there is a reason that there is so much medical intervention for something that should be completely normal and natural.

Worry is good because it makes us aware of any major changes in our bodies, in the baby and makes us more alert to signs of trouble. It might be hormonal in a way, but maybe its has its basis in evolution to ensure the survival of the species.

 

[MattM]

You have had very specific experience though, Squiglet. That simply isn't the case for most women.

The odds are that you will have a perfectly healthy baby. As you said, Poland Syndrome is a rare genetic illness - which still makes my statement valid.

I wasn't trying to put down irrational (non-specific) fears at all. I just wanted to try and give some reasoning behind them.

 

[KJL]

This post is really helpful as I think that every woman to a degree has the same worries. I also worry every day that something is still going to go wrong. When I'm packing my labour bag or pottering around rearranging the nursery i've got this constant niggling in the back of my mind. I think it's just human nature though to worry. I think the best thing is to talk about your fears and get them out. Often once you verbalise them it makes it easier to deal with the issue.

 

[GBLiz]

i cant see my fears stopping with the birth, guess we've got the next 18 years AT LEAST to come, filled with worry about our LO's arghh!

my OH is opposite to me, i dont think it crossed his mind for a second, at any point, that anything could go wrong!

 

[floppit]

I've tried really hard right from the begining to concentrate on what I have right now.

When I tested positive the odds seemed so log, at 36 it felt like everything rested on this pregnancy - and a part of me had given up prior to falling pregnant. BUT right from that first day I knew Ihad conceived, that even if it only lasted a fortnight I had a small life growing inside me. I was learning about feelings I never knew I had and it was worthwhile in it's own right. I worked at enjoying all the pssibilities without taking anything for granted.

By the time I got to the first scan I really thought it was probably the end of the road (very much like you posted, I had this horrible feeling...) BUT - there was a healthy little bub in there, I laughed and felt SO HAPPY. For the first time I believed in BUB, I believed BUB was strong so my age and other worries mattered less.

By the time I got to the second scan as soon as I saw the baby on the screen I felt proud of my strong little bub, then I found out she was a girl and I thought 'well your mum's a strong lass - you will be too' and she had these amazing little muscled legs!

I have a 4d scan on Fri - but I don't just think of her as a future baby anymore, she already is and I already have this little wriggler inside.

If you want to lay the jinx to rest that your baby won't go in the nursery - go in yourself and sit down for a moment then remember she's with you - IN the nursery already. This IS all real, we aren't dreaming - she is as real now as she will be in a couple of months.

Least ways this is how I try to think and it does help me lots to enjoy being pregnant for it's own sake.

 

[KJL]

Just keep comfort in the fact that the odds are with you and you can expect a normal healthy baby.

Thing is though thats not always true and once you have experienced it once, it makes the second time round quite worrying too.

That's why I worry too, my mother had a perfectly healthy pregnancy and delivery with my sister but litterally a few hours after she was born she delevoped an infection and was rushed to great ormand street with meningitis and stayed there for three months and defied all odds and survived. She then developed a colon infection and lactose intolerance and again defied the odds and pulled through. The fact is she survived and made it through (unfortunately she then got mumps at 18months and lost her hearing), but it really brings it home how quickly things can change. My parents have had a real struggle but the fact is my mum said that you just adjust to your situation and cope with things if and when they occur. Even though things went wrong the bottom line is that they made it through and my sister is now 23 years old and although she is deaf, she is strong, healthy and confident.

I do worry a lot but I also feel that if things do go wrong then you cope with it when and if it happens. My parents managed and they went on to have another child after (my brother).

 

[Angelblue]

this thread had made me , only because I feel exactly the same, and it is so hard to even broach the subject with anyone else! I've only 18 days left till my DD and I can't help but fear the worst despite knowing that late loss is rare (but still I know 3 people that it has happened to )

hugs to us all!!

 

[lauramumof2]

I think its a very common worry, there are probably very few woman who's mind it doesnt cross in the last 10 weeks.

But in your case its manifesting itself in you in a very cruel way. I think you need to talk to someone or it might carry over into when the baby is born. You should be enjoying decorating your nursery and these last few weeks of pg.

 

[Squiglet]

You have had very specific experience though, Squiglet. That simply isn't the case for most women.

The odds are that you will have a perfectly healthy baby. As you said, Poland Syndrome is a rare genetic illness - which still makes my statement valid.

I wasn't trying to put down irrational (non-specific) fears at all. I just wanted to try and give some reasoning behind them.

Thats why I never stated that your statement wasn't valid... I was just pointing out my personal experience.. and that it's not as easy to make such sweeping statements.

But, for example, women don't fear that there will be issues with their baby because they mainly have low self esteem and feel that they don't deserve to have something good

The second is accepting that something good can happen for you. It's easy to concentrate on the negatives in daily life. Sometimes it feels like something good can't happen because you don't deserve it or don't warrant it. This is largely attributed to issues with low self esteem.

but because emotionally women are much more tied up in their unborn babies. We experience them more, and are more aware of them. Most women are already well aware of how they would be destroyed emotionally IF their child was to die, be it in the womb or out. And while it effects the father too, theres a certain sense of maternal responsibility linked to it which men don't have.. we carry them, therefore we must have done something wrong, and we are ever vigilant for that. Its why there are so many posts in first tri over what we can and cannot eat

When your child is born, everyone says you have an overwhelming sense of love... when in actuality you also get this overwhelming sense of fear too, because you realise you love them so much yet know that you cannot protect them. What if they take drugs, get hit by a car, get cancer... all things, that in terms of "odds" are slim, but its the terrible fear of how you would cope if it happens. It has nothing to do with self esteem.. and it was that maternal instinct I was trying to explain that helps us protect our babies and makes us alert to any changes so that we can help them as soon as possible.