Who to tell?

Pemsy

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Hi all
My husband and I are really private on social media and shared our news the first time at about 25 weeks (this was only because I had my best friends wedding and as MOH I was worried people would notice in her wedding photos and I wanted everyone to just focus on her for her wedding day so posted a photo with my bump on show a week before).

I had a traumatic birth and it’s taken me a long time to try for a second and I’m terrified of everything. My friend at work had a stillbirth last year which I think also had an impact.

I’ve started showing so I’ve been telling my closest friends at work my parents and my daughter told my sister before I could. I’m seeing my best friends in a few weeks so holding off telling them until we’re together.

My question really stems from one of my SILs. My husband no longer talks to her. He is very close with his nephews now late teens and she ditched them when she had her daughter a few years ago. She was also awful when we had our daughter and it was a danger for me as she sent my BP sky high when I was still high risk. However, my husband does talk to his sister when they cross paths. He wants to be civil but he knows any additional contact leads to drama. Their mother is very sick and has a few months left so he doesn’t want to upset his mum by having another major fall out where they don’t speak at all for years.

My husband told his parents at 13 weeks on the phone and sent a message to his other two siblings but didn’t contact his sister. However, he knew his Mum would tell her later that day, we checked she had been told second hand and his Mum confirmed.

Personally I occasionally talk to her so she doesn’t blame me for their falling out but sadly she is an awful woman with no respect for other people’s wishes so I keep my contact minimal.

My question is should I let her know directly? We both know she’s already known for a week and a half and hasn’t said congratulations (which I completely understand). I’m not close with her but there’s so many friends and family I’m still yet to tell anyway. I’m sure she is annoyed not to find out at the same time as her siblings but they do not have any contact anymore and he told them before I’ve told a lot of my friends and family.

She can be very dramatic so I’m hoping to avoid a family drama. Just not sure what’s best to move forward.

TIA

A side note for anyone wondering some of the reasons why we’re not on good terms;

She chooses not to work and makes her father pay for all her petrol and food shopping, plus a fortnightly shopping trip and every DIY project.

She kicked out her eldest on the request of her new partner.

She emotionally blackmailed her youngest to the point where he left his home at 15.

She took her eldest son’s savings from his grandad and never repaid them.

She ignored all our requests when we had our daughter. Giving our newborn to her two year old to hold after I had specifically said not to.

She complained about my breastfeeding constantly.

She’d intentionally tried to make our daughter sick just after I fed her.

She would say things to our daughter like ‘No one loves you as much as me, I love you the most in the whole world’.

Her partner is an idiot (too long to go into).

She has tried to use our daughter as a pawn to get points in her family (also too long to go into). She pretends to want to take her out but only if its on her own which she knows we’d never agree to as she’s a stranger to her now.

We live an hour apart so even on good terms it would be difficult to see her.

This last one is really petty but she buys all the grandchildren’s Christmas presents for her Mum and Dad, which we’ve all said isn’t needed. She spends 100s on Disney merch for her own daughter and a buys a few Asda sale pieces for the rest then tells her parents they all got the same.
 
I’m extremely stubborn and once I don’t like somebody I just won’t have anything to do with them, that includes my OH’s family members... That being said, I’d just send her a text just to let her know you’re expecting. If you’re still civil with her and are likely to see her at family events, it would just be easier to keep the peace. I wouldn’t invite her to visit though! Xxx
 
I’m extremely stubborn and once I don’t like somebody I just won’t have anything to do with them, that includes my OH’s family members... That being said, I’d just send her a text just to let her know you’re expecting. If you’re still civil with her and are likely to see her at family events, it would just be easier to keep the peace. I wouldn’t invite her to visit though! Xxx
Thanks, I’m so divided as I know she already knows it does feel silly to say ‘btw I’m pregnant’ not sure what to say so that she doesn’t feel left out but I don’t feel silly x
 
Thanks, I’m so divided as I know she already knows it does feel silly to say ‘btw I’m pregnant’ not sure what to say so that she doesn’t feel left out but I don’t feel silly x

Yeah I know what you mean, but at least if you tell her she can’t say ‘oh well you never told me’. She sounds extremely petty, I just wouldn’t give her the opportunity to say that she had to find out through other people and that you never actually told her. I’d just say ‘just wanted to let you know we’re expecting, we’ve been waiting a while to tell people, you might of already known but we just wanted to tell you ourselves’ you won’t seem silly. Ps don’t give a damn what she thinks!! xxx
 
Yeah I know what you mean, but at least if you tell her she can’t say ‘oh well you never told me’. She sounds extremely petty, I just wouldn’t give her the opportunity to say that she had to find out through other people and that you never actually told her. I’d just say ‘just wanted to let you know we’re expecting, we’ve been waiting a while to tell people, you might of already known but we just wanted to tell you ourselves’ you won’t seem silly. Ps don’t give a damn what she thinks!! xxx
See I know you’re right. Anyone else in the world I’d cut, paste and send, however I can already see her reply, ‘yes I know, mum told me weeks ago when you told everyone else. Thanks for that!’

My gut says to drop it in somewhere (I don’t know where) but like bring something up and allude to bring pregnant e.g. ‘how are you all getting on? Just wondering if you can recommend a good buggy brand for baby number 2?’.

I just cannot think of a way to raise it that’s natural as we don’t often check in and really don’t need any help as we’ve got everything from our first still.

It’s such a silly situation.
 
What about sending her a text like, "I heard MIL already told you I was pregnant but we wanted to keep it a secret for a little while longer for the rest of the family, can I ask you to be discreet?"
When people owe you something, they automatically like you a bit more. It's human psychology lol, you can look it up. It means you actually trust them enough to ask something of them. ;)
 

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