Visiting Dad...

[HeppiBean]

So every Saturday night Cesca goes to her Dads. He is supposed to pick her up at 12 on the Saturday and bring her home at either 5 or 7 on the Sunday depending on whether he's keeping her for dinner but he is NEVER on time!

On the Sunday I'm not too worried so long as she's home in time to have a bath before her bedtime at 8. But on the Saturday I often have plans or things I need to do in the afternoon which I am late for because of him.

Do you think I would be being unfair if I said to him that unless he is here at 12 he can't have her? I'm tired of sitting around waiting for him for hours on end! X

 

[Loula]

Whats his excuse?
Id be hacked off too.

 

[HeppiBean]

No excuse just always "sorry I'm late, had things to do" exactly the same every week...

 

[Loula]

Id maybe say well you have til 1pm otherwise were goi g out x

 

[babyem]

Yeah, or say well I've got things to do so you'll have to pick her up when I'm done or not at all x

 

[mylullaby]

Hope you don't mind me gatecrashing - not a single parent but one of my closest friends is.

This is clearly a control thing isn't it? What a prick. What he isn't thinking about with this nonsense is that it's ultimately his daughter who misses out. He's being a selfish manchild. No way would I be hanging around waiting for him. Text now: "This being late has got to stop. Collect Cesca at 12 on Saturday or we'll include her in our plans instead."

Give him until 12.30 and then go out. Rinse and repeat until he gets the message. And he WILL get the message. He's just doing this because you're letting him.

Think of it like training a dog. If he does X, then Y will happen.

At the moment:
X = late, Y = pisses you off, sees his child.

What YOU can do differently:
X = late, Y = you're out, he doesn't get to see his child.

What will eventually have to happen:
X = on time, Y = sees his child.

It's basic psychology. If you reward his negative behaviour, he has no reason to change. Punish it and he'll have no choice but to change and start pissing well turning up on time!!! Arrrggghhh!!! Gives me the rage.

Good luck xx

 

[babyem]

Sorry, but it isnt as simple as 'basic psychology'...

Yes it might be letting him take the piss but its to protect a childs feelings.. its not the childs fault so why punish her?

 

[mylullaby]

HE isn't thinking about the child's feelings. Putting this straight now will be better for the child in the long run. Years and years of late, late, late will do her no good whatsoever.

 

[babyem]

But theres the risk of them hating their mum for stopping a child seeing a parent. Sorry, but as a single mother its not black and white and there are real worries about a child hating you for making the morally right decision

 

[HeppiBean]

Haven't been on in a while but he's getting worse, he didn't turn up until 5 yesterday without so much as a message to say what's going on. If I wasn't so bloody ill at the moment I might have said something but I didn't have the energy...

 

[babyem]

thats not good.
Could you have his accessed arranged through a contact centre? Not so that he has to be supervised but so that there is someone who can enforce a set pick up / drop off time? So its more sort of official? Xxx

 

[babyem]

I think I put up with FOB pissing about so much at the start 1) cos I still wanted to be with him 2) I needed the break and rest! It must be hard when youre ill

 

[Loula]

I think unless you take action he will keep doing it xx

 

[mylullaby]

I really do think you should go out if he doesn't turn up on time. I know not everyone agrees with that, but I really can't see how allowing him to continue doing this is the best thing for your DD in the long-term. Won't be too long before she understands that daddy is late and that has the potential to break her heart while you have to pick up the pieces. I know my advice above sounded harsh but I really do think you need to do something radical now to put an end to this. He cannot just rock up when he feels like it. He needs to stick to the agreed time or suffer the consequences (no contact or court ordered contact). It's not fair on you and it's certainly not fair on your DD. But unless you do something different, he'll just keep doing this.

 

[babyem]

I agree its not right to let him take the piss, but comparing it to training a dog and basic psychology makes its sound like its simple. If you aren't a single parent you won't know how torn you can feel when you know what the best thing is to do, yet know that it could cause heartbreak and hate towards you.

 

[mylullaby]

I'm not a single parent but I have seen a family member go through this and that's why it fucks me off so much. Just really pisses me off that some blokes are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want with absolutely no consequences. How is that fair?! Anyway, I'll leave it there because the op is clearly in a horrible situation and not sure I'm helping.

 

[angeleyes]

Hi, Just wanted to comment from a legal point of view. I have had the same problem with my ex trying to mess me and the kids around and dictate times. I spoke to a solicitor ( you're entitled to free 30 min advice either at an app or over the phone) anyway he advised me that I was well within my rights to say that a fixed time was needed, not just for the children as he agreed with me they need routine and stability but also as I have a life too and plans as do you! So i'd tell him as I was told to say, you either come at the times agreed or we won't be in and you won't see them simple! It is his responsibility to work around you as you are the resident parent. If he wants to see them he will stick to the arrangements, good luck as someone else said its all down to controlling behaviour and trying to dictate your life and it needs nipping in the bud straight away x

 

[HeppiBean]

Thank you x