VERY Toxic Mother-In-Law

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by natkat16, Aug 22, 2016.

  1. natkat16

    natkat16 New Member

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    My mother-in-law has always been an issue. To explain in some detail, because it is an EXTREMELY ODD situation, will be necessary. My husband and I were technically step siblings when his dad and my mom married when we were 16. So, we have very confusing family relationships. His mother is a narcissist and a pathological liar, who loves either yelling at you, or making out as a victim in martyr in any situation she doesn't get what she wants. (When cheating on his father, she lied about being abused so to get out of the marriage with as much support and money as she could get, for example. She also emotionally abuses all the children, however, emotional abuse cannot be proven, so nothing can be done for them, sadly...) She is, 100% by definition, toxic. I tried to tolerate her for my husband (who is finally start to see her true colors but has issues accepting it because it is, after all, his mother) but it still puts a strain on our relationship. When we found out I was pregnant, we moved away from where she lived, and to where my mom and his dad lived, so as to both have family and to keep the child away from such a toxic environment. The other reason is so that the child won't have to deal with the past problems of its family, that have nothing to do with them, but she is known to feed.....misinformation to children to make them turn against others. However, now that she knows (I am now 14 weeks), she is pulling guilt-trip after guilt-trip on my husband and now he and I are disagreeing on what the relationship between her and our child should be. He believes there should be monitored visits sometimes, just never with the child alone with her. I feel that would be similar to letting a devil near our child, as long as we sat nearby and watched! (Needless to say, HE DID NOT like that analogy). I honestly wouldn't care or mind if our children NEVER met her. The funny thing is, he says I am only like that to his family, when I have the same feelings toward my biological father as I do his mother, so I am not being biased, I don't think. (Since my husband doesn't want them meeting my dad either.) Not having to worry about her with our children, I think, would be less strain on me, my husband (though he doesn't believe that), and the child. Maybe I am just being narrow-minded, or maybe he is. Any advice on what any of you would do?
     
  2. Sparklegirl

    Sparklegirl Well-Known Member

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    In laws can pose such a problem and difficulties in relationships with them sticking their oar in. He obviously understands things from your perspective if he isnt keen on the baby meeting your biological father so why is it different for his mother? Moving sounds like it was a good idea so she isnt right in the vicinity and you have to see her all the time

    My paternal grandmother was awful and I know she fed misinformation to me as a kid and also about me, calling me a thief and a liar to my parents (totally untrue) so I can understand how hard it is for a child to be piggy in the middle between their own parents and grandparents. It was horrible

    I dont want my in laws to know when I get pregnant as they are a different form of toxicity and my husbands parents just cannot be allowed to be in the same place as my parents- they dont deserve to be and mine would be so so angry I cant cope with the stress

    Good luck with finding a balance between you both- surely he knows you can do without the stress for the baby
     
  3. natkat16

    natkat16 New Member

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    I completely understand that! If my mom and his mom were ever within the same building.....I shudder at the thought. I don't think it really helps the whole situation that my mom has told me several times "your baby is 1/4 of that woman, I don't know how you stand it! I would just want to rip it out!" I know she doesn't mean any harm to me by saying it, but their relationship as well doesn't help the situation at all.
     
  4. Sparklegirl

    Sparklegirl Well-Known Member

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    Basically they have never done anything to help my husband at all, he asked for help once and they screwed us over. My parents have done everything above and beyond for us going without themselves to help us. His parents are so disgustingly selfish- wasting their money on drugs, sooo much booze, gambling and smoking yet we didnt even get a christmas card. They think all is well probably but I cant bear their involvement, I might leave it until I get the scan to tell them but just dont show them the scan so basically make out that im 3 months later than I actually am. If my parents were to be in the same hospital as them there would be awful terrible rows, my dad is the calmest person ever but even he has said if he ever sees my husbands step father he will punch him in the face... so that really cant be happening when I am pregnant or just given birth

    Urgh thats so hard for you to hear and a little unfair. Yeah thats not as ideal as you might like but lets face it, nothing can be done about that and the baby is 50% you and 50% your OHs and 100% your baby who will be raised right- not to be like 'her'. At this stage of pregnancy you dont need to hear things like that you just need calm and helpful support despite how much they dont get on
     
  5. JD.Deedee

    JD.Deedee Well-Known Member

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    My step mom emotionally abused me, I made the promise even before I was pregnant that she would never ever get to see my children and she doesn't. I meet my dad outside of his house and want nothing to do with her. Last time I flipped out on my dad when I was over when I asked if I would see him before I'd go and he said probably not. Relationship with her wasn't top notch but at the time my dad only said she was jealous which I entirely took out of context as I obviously assumed it was about seeing my son. My dad said she would be willing to see us again and that's when I told my dad she has no chance. I suppose it's easier in my situation because it's not up to my partner although because you mutually agree also not seeing your dad, I'd be firm and be like nope not happening.


     

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