Unplanned pregnancy - my boyfriend does not want to have a baby

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Rita_Ree, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. Rita_Ree

    Rita_Ree New Member

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    Hello!

    I do not know how to decide in my situation and that's why I am writing here to ask for your help!

    I just found that I am 5 weeks pregnant. I am 31 and my boyfriend is 31 too. We have known each other for almost 2 years but started dating and living together for 8 months now. We met and live in Sweden.

    We had occasional fights from time to time since we started living together. We had to move the flats and some times were very stressful at work, so even if I had negative feelings about our relationship I thought that things will be better once we settle down. Also, we are coming from different cultures and countries and I thought that it will take some time for us to get used and understand each other.

    My boyfriend has a 10 year old son already living in another country whom he helps financially and who visits him here. It was an unplanned pregnancy for him at that time too.

    Before we started dating I let him know what exactly I want in the relationship, that I want to have a family and a baby. He said he wanted the same things and that he really wanted to be with me.

    Now when I found out that I am pregnant, he says he does not want that baby, that he is not stable financially and that he does not know if he could stay in his job or has to leave because his contract expires in December. I fully understand him but I am trying to see things positively. My parents and my sister encouraged me and said that they could help in critical moments. My financial situation is better as my boyfriend has to pay parental support for his son and I have more spare money. So I told him not to be worried about money...that if we love each other, we will manage and being together is easier than raising a child alone. However, since we found out, he wanted me to make an abortion and blamed me for being childish and not understanding the difficult situation. He does not talk to me and comes home late. I am scared. I do not want to make an abortion as I always wanted to be a mother, but I am scared that he leaves and I will raise a child alone, and the child will not have a support from her/his dad. I am also scared that if he stays, we will not get along and our family will suffer too. He said to me that he does not know how to tell this to his son. He said that he will hate him for having another child.

    Sometimes my boyfriend comes home late after parties at 2am or 5am and if it happens when I am pregnant I will be devastated and I am scared how it will influence the child. I do not want to fight with him during pregnancy. So now he just does not talk to me as if keeping a child is my 'mistake' and I am ruining his life.

    I am sorry if I write a bit long and messy, but I do not know what to do and if you experienced anything similar, I would appreciate your feedback!

    Thank you!
     
  2. Reindeer1

    Reindeer1 New Member

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    Rita_Ree: I can't possibly imagine how you must be feeling :/ I've never been in a similar situation but I'm also pregnant atm. Both me and my boyfriend were undecided about having a family but decided to have a go. I had various hormonal problems and had been told that it would be very difficult. However, I got pregnant after 2 weeks and it was a bit of a shock. I'm 27 weeks now and we're still both a bit terrified.. lol. I thinks that we're starting to get a little bit excited since we've found out it's a boy but my bf seems to be focusing on all the things we won't be able to do which is a bit annoying.. I've known that he'll support me no matter what and that's been very reassuring so I really feel for having to cope with your partner's reaction. It's such a weird/wonderful and emotional time. We are creating a new little person that we'll have to care for no matter what.

    I can't advise you on what to do because it's something only you can decide on and deep down you probably already know what feels right. All I can say is don't let your boyfriend force his opinions on you because you will have to live with your decision. I've accepted the fact that I'll have to face many challenges as a parent that I can't possibly prepare for but when we have to (particularly us women:) we just find a way to deal with things. Sounds like you have a supportive family which is a big bonus. Is there any state financial support available in Sweden if for some reason you and your boyfriend split up? Take care xxx
     
  3. Blankiebuddie

    Blankiebuddie New Member

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    Hey ... I completely understand how you are feeling ! Everything that is happening to me now is exactly like your situation.
    I'm only 20 and my partner is 30 I'm now 12 weeks pregnant but athe the start when we found out he basically decided him self I would have the abortion ... I agreed at first thinking I was too young but then as time I realised we could make it work and I wouldn't have to go through something like that yet when telling him and his nosey interfering mother they basically told me I had no choice, I was being selfish because my partner wouldn't be able to cope with a baby and we don't have the money so I have to have an abortion... eventually I got my mum involved my self and that's when she gave me the motivation to fight for the baby but even now when I'm being reasonable and giving him a chance to still be a dad he makes it hard work... we spend pretty much every day arguing now and it's like he hates me and the baby but when I tell him I want to leave and move back to my mums he won't let me ... because I'm carrying his child and I ain't going anywhere with his child ... like I'm the one who cant raise it
     
  4. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    Hi blankie, your partner & his family sound quite controlling.

    You may only be 20 but you are an adult, and if you want to move out and get away from the arguments & have some peace and quiet in your pregnancy, you have every right in the world to do so. Stress of arguments isn't good for either you/the baby.

    If he says you can't & you think he might physically prevent you from walking out of the door, then that's another matter (it's called domestic abuse/violence) and I suggest you enlist your mum's help to do whatever it is that YOU want to do.
     
  5. Kitten1991

    Kitten1991 Well-Known Member

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    Rita_Ree I did not want to read and run. I was in a very similar situation when i was 19 and my OH at the time was 25... we had been together almost 3 years, previously had spoken about having a family and so weren't using contraception.

    We found out i was 10 weeks pregnant and he said we weren't stable financially (Lies we had over £5000 in the bank at the time) Then i would be a bad mother so he would make sure i never saw the child and in the end forced me to the Drs and to do something i swore i would never do. It was so detrimental to my health.

    All i will say is stick to what you feel is best and stay strong. If you need anyone to speak to privately feel free to message me :)
     
  6. may1718

    may1718 Well-Known Member

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    i am in a kind of similar situation , although I'm won't let my babys father influence my decision as ultimately its me who will be dealing with the effects of having a termination.

    the problem i face is how to proceed with the situation.
    I can't help you with the answer all i can sat is i know how you feel l don't feel like being a women made out to being ruining a mans life or trapping him.

    Its really hard and doesn't feel nice i empathise with you completely .
     
    #6 may1718, Feb 7, 2017
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2017

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