Uncompromising boyfriend

[Dovekie]

I currently live 2.5 hours from my family, which hasn't been a problem as a single, childless person. My boyfriend lives 2 hours from my family and I planned to move there before the birth as he has his own house. We both want to move shortly after though as the house isn't really suitable for a child.

His parents live in the opposite direction to mine. He wants to move closer to them and to where he grew up, which closes the distance for his family (who are only currently about 45 minutes away) but extends it for mine. I have suggested moving just 30 minutes closer to my parents and he said that's ridiculous.

I'm so annoyed. I'm already hundreds of miles from my family, and want him to compromise just a little, but he won't consider it. I actually just feel like ending the relationship and moving to be with my family :/

Do I have a valid point here? Does he get to live wherever he wants to, near to all of his friends and family, whilst I have an extra long drive to visit mine, with a baby in tow?!

 

[lisey]

I would be angry too, I wouldn't be able to live far from my family so the thought of moving even further than you already are is naturally upsetting.
I would point blank refuse to move closer to his and find a happy medium. I would then leave it up to him as to what is more important to him. You need to be happy too, having a baby can be quite isolating as it is, moving even further away will make that worse xx

 

[Dovekie]

I would be angry too, I wouldn't be able to live far from my family so the thought of moving even further than you already are is naturally upsetting.
I would point blank refuse to move closer to his and find a happy medium. I would then leave it up to him as to what is more important to him. You need to be happy too, having a baby can be quite isolating as it is, moving even further away will make that worse xx

One of the best things about having the baby, for me, is taking it to see my family and spending time with them. I want to be able to visit them easily, especially when he's at work. I have no friends where we are. I am going to ask for a compromise, as I feel that I am already compromising a lot.

 

[Leighwiltshire]

i only live 40 miles from my parents and i feel that is too much, i have given up everything to be with him and i know im going to need my family around me but it means an hours drive, i know its not a lot but it will be when im tired and ive been up all night with the baby. i too dont know anyone and i have no one to talk to when im having a down day but he doesnt see that, he wants to live where we do now as his mates are there and he works 5 mins from home!

i totally get it and im at the point where i think should i do it alone and move back closer to my family, or am i being selfish

 

[lisey]

Not selfish at all. It's selfish not to compromise and go somewhere in the middle. There's no way I would move far from my Mum especially and if my OH insisted on it then i would tell him he could visit us regularly lol xx

 

[Dovekie]

Aww, Leigh, it's awful when one person gets it all and the other is all compromise. In your case it sounds as though you could easily move half way? Half an hour each way? My boyfriend wants to move from 2hrs to 2hours 30 from my parents. Imagine that when you're knackered! He's suggested the train and taxis....

 

[lisey]

WHAT? Trains and taxis? With a baby, pushchair? Changing bag and all the essentials xx

 

[Dovekie]

WHAT? Trains and taxis? With a baby, pushchair? Changing bag and all the essentials xx

I know, sounds like a right hassle. I'm not sure exactly what I'd need to carry but I'm guessing a lot!

 

[lisey]

Yep. You would have to take a fair bit. Also depends if you would be staying over or not xx

 

[Browneyed Girl]

To be honest even a 2 hour drive with a young baby isn't ideal. I had many trips with my son crying in the back so the idea of it being 2 hours is horrific. If you're breastfeeding you might need to feed during that time and probably also change its nappy. I wouldn't have contemplated driving 2 hours with my baby on my own and would still be extremely reluctant to do it now and he's 16 months xx

 

[nikkix86]

I had the same problem with my oh. he wanted to be closer to his family and friends which means I uproot my children from their school and be away from my family I do drive but it's not the point. we nearly split up about it but in the end I put my foot down and I had to be a bit selfish and think of myself I told him I'm moving closer to my family and friends with or without him end of basically. he's now come around and agreed to move with me but I had to do what's best for me even if it meant us breaking up rather than being alone and miserable with a new baby

 

[Eryinera]

My hubby was very understanding when I wanted to move in with my mum shortly before the birth his best mate wasn't so and really really guilt tripped him. But all credit to hubby he wasn't swayed x that same mate ended his relationship when in a very similar situation himself with his gf wanted to move closer to her family to give birth. I think to be fair your going to go through a massive ordeal and he should respect that.

 

[Blueclass]

I would put my foot down down also. My family are very close, not that they bother.. but that's a different post haha. My hubby's family are about 2hrs away and my baby HATED the car seat she screams the whole way. It's not ideal being that far away really tell him you want to live in the middle so both families can see you and the baby just as much as the other. X

 

[Leighwiltshire]

i dont think men realise the pressure of having a baby. its alright for them they go back to work but its 24/7 for the mum and sometimes a girl just needs her mummy herself!

 

[BunnyN]

I agee that it doesnt seem fair. In general it is usually the mum who needs more support because you are the one going through pregnancy then labour and birth and once the baby is born presumably you are the one who will be doing the majority of the care for the first months. You don't want to end up stuck all day in the house on your own. So it makes sense to be nearer your family unless there are other reasons involved. The one thing that I would say is that there is some sense in being close to one set of parents rather than far from both. I guess it depends on what his parents are like and how you get on with them. I would rather live close to my family (we do), but if I couldnt for some reason I'd rather be close to my inlaws (who are almost 3hrs away) than half way between. They are great with the kids and very helpful and respectful (even if they do get on my nerves sometimes), so living near them would be a support. Living an hr away from both sets of parents would be worse for me because it would involve travelling to see either side of the family and there wouldnt be a lot of daily support.

I'd say you have to try and have a good talk about it and explain how having a baby is going to be a big deal for you and you really feel like you need to be close to your family for suport.

 

[Dovekie]

The one thing that I would say is that there is some sense in being close to one set of parents rather than far from both.

If I follow that logic, which I do agree with, then we'll be living next to his parents. He has built up his own business in the area, which is why I just suggested that we move a little way closer to mine. I don't think there's any way he could move to my parents.

 

[prayforme]

Family is very important. He need to be fair with you, especially that you are a woman. If he loves you, he will understand your side. The two of you need to stay in the middle, 2.25 hours of travel to visit your family and 2.25 hours travel to visit his family.

 

[maryburton]

What are his points? Why is it more important for him to be near his family, than it is for you, a pregnant woman?

 

[GBLiz]

I just wanted to mention my friends experience. She desparately wanted to be closer to her family before having a baby but her partner refused. She then had a horrendous lonely time with PND and is still really only happy when she visits her family. I think the whole experience would have been different had he realised how important it was for her to have family support when having a baby.