TTC blues

[Sparklegirl]

Through the last week a friend has announced her second pregnancy and the teenage cousin has had her baby. I know that I should be ecstatic for them, I am pleased but its hard with the cousin knowing it was the result of a one night stand but at least they made a go of it and are together now. I dont like feeling like this, I feel like I am sounding bitter and jealous which I probably am so this is my way of twining and complaining to get it out of the way

I hit CD85 and then I *think* I had a light period but since I have never had a light one before, it might not have been in which case dear god its gonna be something more like CD93 now. Currently no idea really whats happening, the gynae appt was less than useful so I am in limbo with it all

I have not been on for ages, I have been low so thought it best to avoid here but I have popped back in to see how everyone is getting on. I probably just need to vent a bit and get a bit of a grip of myself, I have not been trying for anywhere near as long as a lot of you lovely ladies have so I dont really have the right to be so down about it all

Time for me to get a bit more positive, feel free to talk to me it might help my sanity!

 

[DarcyHodge]

I hate feeling bitter and jealous but I do, I have a pregnant friend who is constantly moaning about being pregnant. So you're not alone xx

 

[lea554]

I think with a 85+ day cycle, you deserve to have a moan!

I conceived my first on my 2nd cycle, now not my 3rd cycle ttc#2, and I know how you feel - it's absolutely nothing in the scheme of things, but it's blimmin hard.. Some days I find it easier to go on here than others. At least you are not alone, and we all have this forum to sound off too - I don't have any friends who know what I'm doing, so this place is my only release! X

 

[BettyHoop]

I have a group of good friends and we always do everything together, I didn't cope with the first round of babies very well, and now they're all doing it again and I find it hard to communicate with them. I obviously am happy for them, and some of them ask when I'm going to join in and I respond with some excuse. I literally haven't told anyone about my problems ttc! I find nowadays I lurk in the distance rather than participating in any social activities with them and their children and swollen bellies!

It's hard to talk to people who have had no problems starting their families and totally excusable to feel jealous. This is a great sounding board but I often would like to chat to my friends about it. Just don't think i could cope with any sympathy yet. I can't imagine how much worse it is not to have regular periods, at least I have that. You are well within your rights to feel a little down, some of my darkest days have been due to long term fetility issues, it's a big deal to us as women.

Big hugs xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

I hate feeling bitter and jealous but I do, I have a pregnant friend who is constantly moaning about being pregnant. So you're not alone xx

We have to hold on to the hope when we do get pregnant we too will be entitled to moan! But it is hard to listen to people whine about it all when they fell pregnant and it was a surprise to them and might not even want it. Thats why its a great place to be, there are so many others who get how we feel and dont judge even when we judge ourselves xx

 

[PeanutButter]

Same, Ive been feeling really down about ttc since my fertility appointment. Cant seem to get out of it. I have a christening coming up next week, and I really dont wanna go, will be so many babies and preg women about. Gonna put me even more down the in dumps.
Im ntnp until out next appointment, not because of the whole once you relax it'll happen thing, just because im so fed up of ttc. :/ xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

I think with a 85+ day cycle, you deserve to have a moan!

I conceived my first on my 2nd cycle, now not my 3rd cycle ttc#2, and I know how you feel - it's absolutely nothing in the scheme of things, but it's blimmin hard.. Some days I find it easier to go on here than others. At least you are not alone, and we all have this forum to sound off too - I don't have any friends who know what I'm doing, so this place is my only release! X

It is a fantastic forum to be on, the ideal place for support and somewhere to vent happily once in a while. Yeah apparently according to my knickers I have bled all over them so who knows if that was a period last week, if not and this one is, I would have been on CD94 until this one. I have no idea what is happening now.

Thats the same for me, I dont tell people we are trying or having problems so its nice to know there is somewhere to go and chat to other people in the same situation xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

I have a group of good friends and we always do everything together, I didn't cope with the first round of babies very well, and now they're all doing it again and I find it hard to communicate with them. I obviously am happy for them, and some of them ask when I'm going to join in and I respond with some excuse. I literally haven't told anyone about my problems ttc! I find nowadays I lurk in the distance rather than participating in any social activities with them and their children and swollen bellies!

It's hard to talk to people who have had no problems starting their families and totally excusable to feel jealous. This is a great sounding board but I often would like to chat to my friends about it. Just don't think i could cope with any sympathy yet. I can't imagine how much worse it is not to have regular periods, at least I have that. You are well within your rights to feel a little down, some of my darkest days have been due to long term fetility issues, it's a big deal to us as women.

Big hugs xx

I discovered that my mother has been telling people about our problems, thats not so appreciated really when I am trying to keep our business personal! I understand why you dont want to tell your friends. You dont want sympathy or be treated any differently you just dont want to be faced with the one thing they have that you so desperately want, I get that.

The period thing is waring me down a bit, my nice pale pink knickers are soaked as I wasnt wearing a pad because I stupidly thought I ahd had a light period... guess not. It feels like mother nature is laughing saying "haha bitch thats what happens when you think things are ok!" but I at least have some light at the end of the tunnel if I am having a period now.

I did an OPK this morning after DTD and it had a faint line so I thought I was working towards a positive but now again I dont know what to think. Whatever happens I need to be more positive and stop being so hard on myself xxx

 

[Sparklegirl]

Same, Ive been feeling really down about ttc since my fertility appointment. Cant seem to get out of it. I have a christening coming up next week, and I really dont wanna go, will be so many babies and preg women about. Gonna put me even more down the in dumps.
Im ntnp until out next appointment, not because of the whole once you relax it'll happen thing, just because im so fed up of ttc. :/ xx

How did the appointment go, any news or something to work with? Sorry to hear how hard it is for you at the moment, you have had such a crappy time I hope that the christening isnt as traumatic as expected- I know its probably not going to be great but maybe get drunk and go home to DTD and see if it helps- it seems to work for everyone on Jeremy Kyle!

I wasnt going to chart or temp or use OPKs for this cycle but then I went against myself and did it just to see if I actually will ovulate or not but now Im just as lost as ever xx

 

[MissCharli]

One of my friends announced her pregnancy about 3 months after I MCed, and now every time I see something on facebook it makes me feel horrible the jealousy really sucks, I totally get how you feel.

It's really crappy that you aren't having cycles, I always thought that the doctors would be able to do something. Mine were like yours for a while, I went about 6 or 7 months without one and then I lost some weight and they came back thankfully. Were they not able to offer you anything at all?

 

[Sparklegirl]

One of my friends announced her pregnancy about 3 months after I MCed, and now every time I see something on facebook it makes me feel horrible the jealousy really sucks, I totally get how you feel.

It's really crappy that you aren't having cycles, I always thought that the doctors would be able to do something. Mine were like yours for a while, I went about 6 or 7 months without one and then I lost some weight and they came back thankfully. Were they not able to offer you anything at all?

They were crappy, just told me to lose weight end of story they wont entertain seeing me again to help me at all until I have got my BMI to 30. So just leave me to suffer until then I guess

Family members, husbands work collegues, friends... all seem to be getting pregnant. It feels like everyone is pregnant apart from me and the jealously is really getting to me. I have always loved babies and coo'd over them and pregnant ladies, I was always a nice person who would do anything for anyone and now I feel that I have turned into a grade A cow.

It kills me not to be able to be happy for everyone, I just know there is no way I will be able to go visit the teenager. I cant stand to see how lovely the baby is and how happy she is and listen to how it was all a shock but she wouldnt have it any other way now and how much she loves him. Of course its all standard and to be expected but I am too emotionally fragile to be there and have people asking why we have been married for over 2 years and still no sign of one for us. People have been asking my mum about it- I am furious about that and then for her to tell them the truth that makes it all the worse for me

 

[ClaireDoll]

It's nice to know others feel crappy about feeling jealous! I literally just deleted my Facebook app off my phone because in a couple of scrolls there were 3 pregnancy announcements, 2 moaning about being stay at home Mums, 3 bump updates and 5 newborn pic updates. I feel like it's haunting me, can't get away from it, so hard to be happy for people when your feeling so shitty about ttc/mc. I'm on my period so I'm probably taking it to heart 10x more but I'm seriously over trying to put a brave face on for everyone else's sake. I threw my best friend a baby shower this week, she was nothing but ungrateful and I'm now struggling to put a brave face on it.

 

[PeanutButter]

Sparkle the appointment was crap. No info at all gotta wait until October for next appointment now :/ just dtding whenever I feel like it not because we're Oving atm. Just so fed up. how're you? X

 

[phonixgirl]

A girl at work announced her pregnancy this week too. A couple of people who know what I've been through said the first thing they thought of was me.

She had a mc earlier this year and I should be happy for her. In a way I am but she conceived straight away both times. I can't help feeling that it really should be us. And I'm going to have to watch her bump grow then she'll bring in her baby for us to fuss over when it's born. To make things worse, when she mc I told her what I'd been going through to try and empathise (not long after I had my chemical) and she hasn't even asked how I am. She obviously doesn't get the pain of it all. And then someone says "I hope it doesn't start a baby boom - maybe it's you next". I had to reply that I can't have children so rule me out completely. She felt bad then.

I sound like such a bitch but it hurts so much when I'm trying to come to terms with the fact we will probably never have children.

 

[PeanutButter]

Sparkle... I have a BMI of 32 it was higher, they shouldn't not help you because of this?!!! Really pisses me off when they say loose wight then we'll help.. What if it is an underlying cause, they could sort it out now rather than later ffs. xx

 

[BettyHoop]

Sparklegirl - I agree with above, due to your age and family history they should be helping you now, not just sending you away until you lose weight. Also, if they believe losing weight is that important for you, they should offer help with this. I often see posters around doctors surgeries telling people if they want to lose weight they can get help and advice and discuss any treatments with a doctor. So have they offered to help with this? I really would get another opinion.

I think a chat with your mum is in order. She should empathise with your situation and hopefully stop telling people intimate details of your personal life if you explain to her how you feel. I don't know what your relationship is like and i'm one to say 'talk about feelings'! But it sounds like this needs to be nipped in the bud before it goes any further.

Lots of hugs to you xx

 

[BettyHoop]

Oh that first bit sounds awful, I'm definitely not saying youre old, we're almost the same age, just saying it's not like we've got all the time in the world! This is a time sensitive issue especially when you want a child, a month seems like a year!! Xx

 

[Sparklegirl]

It's nice to know others feel crappy about feeling jealous! I literally just deleted my Facebook app off my phone because in a couple of scrolls there were 3 pregnancy announcements, 2 moaning about being stay at home Mums, 3 bump updates and 5 newborn pic updates. I feel like it's haunting me, can't get away from it, so hard to be happy for people when your feeling so shitty about ttc/mc. I'm on my period so I'm probably taking it to heart 10x more but I'm seriously over trying to put a brave face on for everyone else's sake. I threw my best friend a baby shower this week, she was nothing but ungrateful and I'm now struggling to put a brave face on it.

I know exactly how you feel, never feel alone in being jealous or sometiems even resentful towards others- there are so many of us around like this. As much as I want to be pleased for everyone who is pregnant or just had a baby, it is just so hard of late. I see people who get pregnant and dont want the baby so have an abortion while I am so desperate. I only want the one, its not like I am demanding 4 or 5 kids I would be very happy with just the one. Having said that there is a very very strong family history of twins in both sides of my parents family so..... haha never know!

I am really struggling at the moment, a couple of weeks ago I was in the pool at aqua fit and I could just feel the tears flowing down my face, there had been a conversation where someone in my family told me that they can never see me ever having a baby, I have left it too late (im 34) and wasted too many years on my ex when they told me not to and I am effectively too fat to have a baby now. I was so gutted it was such a raw conversation I just couldnt keep up with the facade that I was ok. Nobody noticed I dont think so I just carried on with what I was doing with the silent tears burning my face.

Oh petal that is awful I am so sorry to hear that you went through what I can only imagine was a traumatic experience planning and throwing the party only for her to behave like that. Does she know you are TTC? Either way she has no right to be ungrateful, she should appreciate what you have done for her if she knows or not. Sorry to sound mean but it sounds like something a cow would do. I hate doing something lovely like that for someone and they throw it back in your face or not appreciate how much effort was gone to just for them.

Sometimes putting a brave face is far harder than it sounds, its like you have to make sure everyone else is ok but who is actually looking after you to see if you are ok or not? There are so many emotions experienced when TTC from the hope, to excitement, the longing, sadness, desperation, joyfulness and sadly sometimes depression. We experience most of them, quote often a few at once and its important that there is someone there for you, not always you doing things for others, you will burnout

 

[Sparklegirl]

Sparkle the appointment was crap. No info at all gotta wait until October for next appointment now :/ just dtding whenever I feel like it not because we're Oving atm. Just so fed up. how're you? X

My gynae appt was poor, I was told to lose 7.5 stone and he wont see me until I have... appt is booked in for June next year but its doubtful if I can lose that much. They cant give me a diagnosis so that seems to be the end of that for me. What are they doing for you in October? I hope they will help you and so something to make your journey a little more bearable x

 

[Sparklegirl]

A girl at work announced her pregnancy this week too. A couple of people who know what I've been through said the first thing they thought of was me.

She had a mc earlier this year and I should be happy for her. In a way I am but she conceived straight away both times. I can't help feeling that it really should be us. And I'm going to have to watch her bump grow then she'll bring in her baby for us to fuss over when it's born. To make things worse, when she mc I told her what I'd been going through to try and empathise (not long after I had my chemical) and she hasn't even asked how I am. She obviously doesn't get the pain of it all. And then someone says "I hope it doesn't start a baby boom - maybe it's you next". I had to reply that I can't have children so rule me out completely. She felt bad then.

I sound like such a bitch but it hurts so much when I'm trying to come to terms with the fact we will probably never have children.

Its understandable, you are happy for her but it still hits home that why is it always others who get pregnant quickly. That is awful of her not to say anything to you,. I wonder if she is embarrassed and didnt want to face you. Still not fair to not even ask how you are coping, some people forget anything when it does not affect them directly.

No you didnt sound like a bitch, you are hurting like hell. Who on earth says I hope it wont start a baby boom anyway what a crass horrible comment to make. I do hope that you get your much wanted rainbow baby x