Trying to come to terms with the fact that Harry will be an only child

Discussion in 'Baby & Toddler' started by ceebee, Jul 16, 2013.

  1. ceebee

    ceebee Well-Known Member

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    I always thought I'd have 2 children but as some of you know, I have a chronic health condition and being pregnant has made it worse. I'm struggling so much even 8 months later that I can't look after Harry by myself for a whole day. Even a few hours alone with him can be virtually impossible at times. My parents are being so helpful and that has enabled me to cope, but it's not a great situation.

    Don't get me wrong I'm so grateful for my little Harry and I know some people on this forum can't even get pregnant at all, but I still can't help wanting another one. I'd love to give a Harry a brother or sister too. I have a sister and I don't know what I'd do without her. What will Harry do when me and my hubby aren't around any more? To me I can't even really see us as a family with only one child.

    Thing is I can't imagine having another one as my health is so crap. Even if I got better, I'd be so scared that getting pregnant would make me worse again. To add to that I'm 35 and my DH is 43 so we ain't spring chickens.

    I'm really trying to accept that Harry will be an only child but it's so hard. It's almost as bad as when I was ttc. I stare at pregnant women jealously and if a friend announces the birth of a 2nd child I find that hard too. Even posts on here talking about getting pregnant again make me sad.

    I just wondered if there are any mums out there who chose to have just one child and why? Or any other mums who couldn't have another child and how did you deal with it.

    I don't want to feel like this but don't know how to stop :(

    xxx
     
  2. diane

    diane Well-Known Member

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    I know how you feel Hun. I have a chromosome disorder which causes me to miscarry most of my babies. Also I have eggs the age of a 40 year old when they were tested at 27. Then I almost died in childbirth and there's a chance it would happen again, so I'm pretty certain we will only have the one child. I can relate to all your feelings, it's only been 5.5 months and yet I'm jealous of all the people who can just have their second/third child with no thought whatsoever about it. I hate the fact that my daughter will most likely grow up as an only child, but my hubby is an only child and he's told me it was fine, he was very close to his parents and his cousins/aunties/uncles. So I try to cling onto that for now.

    I also see a counsellor due to post traumatic stress and we talk about this a lot. I'm trying to find the positives in only having the one child and hope one day ill be able to come to peace with it.

    Sorry I don't really have any advice, but you're not alone :hugs:
     
  3. HopesDreams

    HopesDreams Well-Known Member

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    & just to add, sometimes our friends are as good as family. In fact, I'm closer to some friends than some family members. xxxxxxxx
     
  4. Emamay

    Emamay Well-Known Member

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    I've uhm'd and ahh'd about a second since having Cay six months ago. (Please bare with me through this next bit as it may seem insensitive; there's reason...).

    I don't really want another child, I don't think. I loved pregnancy, labour, and birth, and Cay is my whole world, I just don't think I want the (next) child after the P/L/B experience.

    - When I was little, and I'd go knock at a friends house and her brother or sister would answer, they would have to check to see if she was in. I always thought "what's the point of siblings if you don't even know if they're there?"
    - I was an only child. Friends would come back from days out and moan they spent all day arguing with sibling. I, on the other hand, got to take a friend with me, and have no arguments.
    - I got to do a lot more than if I'd had siblings (Scouts, trips, holidays eventually [we didn't go out of the country until I was 14, but when we finally did, it was three weeks at Disney, Florida... Every other year then until I was 20], my own room, etc).
    - I never had arguments over how sibling had stolen/broken a toy.
    - I have always been used to my own company.
    - I have an amazing close relationship with my parents.

    I want all this for Cay. As much as I want to bring him up sensibly, I also want the opportunity, availability, to spoil him rotten. I want him to be my special lil boy, who can have friends come with us on days out, who can have daddy and I to himself, who can be brought lil things when he wants (not all the time, like)...


    The only thing I can't comment on, is the yearning to have a child.
    Cay was a surprise (best one ever), but I never felt that maternal, "I must have kids" thing.

    A friend of mine had a baby, and was desperate for another. She says there was a hole that needed filling.
    She was told she'd never have another.
    Eight years later, her little girl arrived, and she says she's now complete.
    I never had that...
    I can only imagine that that feeling is the one thing that no words can replace, but I hope at least the above has given you some positives to consider. Xx
     
  5. mrs v

    mrs v Well-Known Member

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    Aw hun I never realised you felt like this, hugs. Perhaps try not to rule it out just yet, there is still time and hopefully your health will keep getting better. You know my feelings on more baby's so no need to go into that, Harry will be just fine siblings or no siblings, how does hubby feel? Xx
     
  6. Em91

    Em91 Well-Known Member

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    it must be so hard, could you consider adopting an older child in the future? Less of the physical strain than a baby and offering a loving home to a child that needs it. Sorry if that sounds like a daft idea for your situation and i know its not as simple as just adopting its a very long process, just thought id make the suggestion.

    Ive got a friend who has a child of her own but couldnt conceive a second time around, she adopted a 4year old boy, he had lots of issues but within a year of being in a stable loving home he was thriving hes now 7 and her daughter is 10 they get on brilliantly :)

    Using tapatalk can't see tickers
     
  7. Hope81

    Hope81 Well-Known Member

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    Hey, I am an only child and I had an amazing childhood all credit to my parents, their efforts, time they spent with me and their guidance in everything I did/do is admirable.
    I never felt lonely and to your question what Harry will so when you are not around anymore is that he will have his own family by that age.
    I traveled a lot with my parents, had the best books went to the best schools and one of the reasons was that my parents could afford that while it may haven't been possible with one more sibling. Obviously all those things are just a lux and dosent mean that parents that can't provide that much or have more than one kids their kids they are not going to be amazing clever people.

    I think Amelie will be an only child (though we are still considering that)

    I can't imagine that I will love one more baby as much as her, I want to be able to provide her the best as my parents did and that may not be possible if we have one more baby.

    There is no right and wrong here, every each child is a blessing and he/she will thrive in a family with 3 or 4 or more members. I wouldn't really worry about Harry, I never ever felt like missing sth really nor did i spend my childhood or adulthood wishing I had a brother or a sister...

    But if that's so important to you you should consider if it will be possible with more commitment from your parents to help you, early childcare of the baby etc so you don't end up regretting that you didn't try one more time??

    Adoption sounds a fabulous idea to me and I would definitely consider it.
     
  8. NavyLouise

    NavyLouise Well-Known Member

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    I can't really give any advice because I've not been in your situation, but have you talked to your oh about how you feel? There are always other ways for you to complete your family and you don't need to feel bad about feeling jealous of others etc!

    To answer your question of why just one child? For me, I like the fact that Enid won't feel like she has to compete for our attention, she's our one and only. I grew up an only child and there were times when I thought it'd be nice to have a sibling, but overall I enjoyed being an only child. I liked having my parents full attention, I had friends for when I needed company from other children and I had all my toys and games to myself when they were gone.

    Being an only child helped to make me a more independent person and I would like that for Enid. I do sometimes think that it'd be nice for her to have a permanent playmate but her being an only child means we can dedicate our time, money and love to just her and making sure she has everything she needs without all the fighting and sibling rivalry. My husband grew up with a brother and the conflict and favouritism I see between them and their parents is enough to make me want an only child!

    I also have a half sister (12 years my junior) and although we've never lived together or even within 200 miles of each other she competes for the attention at all costs and I don't think I could have handled that if I'd grown up with her!

    This is of course just my opinion and I don't mean to offend and really don't think there's any wrong in having more than 1 if you are capable of looking after them and giving them all a loving home :) In fact I admire you because to top it all I just don't think I could cope with another newborn!!
     
  9. suem68

    suem68 Member

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    I always wanted 2 children but things just haven't worked out that way sadly. Quick background... Married at 21 , tried for kids straight away but hubby had virtually no sperm count, tried artificial insemination which didn't work and after 10 years of stress and no joy we parted ways. Met my OH quite quick but he had 2 kids already and wasn't keen on anymore so I waited and waited for 7 years for him to come round to the idea. We started trying but just a few months later in July 2007 I found I had breast cancer at the age of 39, which put paid to children.... Or so I thought.... Had chemo radiotherapy and hormone therapy which took me to 43 years old, by which time I had given up the hope of any babies and got on with life asa couple, when in late 2011 I discovered I was pregnant and in July 2012 along came Scarlett and I was a first time mummy at the grand old age of 44.
    Basically now at 45 I think it's going to just be the one for us, age and the complication of being a carrier for a genetic condition called fragile x I think sensibly I shouldn't try for a second though it doesn't stop me considering it every now and again . I should and am very grateful for our little miracle but there is still a part of me that hasn't completely ruled it out.... A heart and head conflict!!
    Sorry major long post!
    Sue x
     
  10. Little_angel

    Little_angel Well-Known Member

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    Hi ceebee :wave:

    I've been thinking a lot about this too. As you know, I had trouble getting pregnant and J is an IVF baby. It wouldn't be out of the question for us to have a second, but I would almost certainly need IVF which is getting tougher by the day (I'm now nearly 40 with levels that were lowish when I was last tested 2 years ago).

    I've always wanted (and assumed I would have) two children as well. But that may never happen for us and I'm not sure we're even going to try too hard now. I didn't enjoy pregnancy and found the first few months with J very difficult.

    Now that life is settling down and I'm enjoying myself with my little man, I can see so many benefits of not having another. Some of these are selfish and some not so:

    - my body and fitness is getting back to normal and I wouldn't have to go through pregnancy again
    - my mum helps out a lot with J, so I get "me" time, which would be more difficult with two
    - we will be able to afford to do a lot more with one child, like holidays abroad and visiting my brother in Australia
    - we can save to afford his university education should he wish for one and possibly help with say a house deposit. This would be much harder with two.
    - I can concentrate on doing things that he enjoys rather than juggling two of different ages and interests
    - if I had another it would have to be soon and I don't fancy two under two, I don't think

    I think that when you have a sibling, you find it hard to imagine not having one, but I didn't get on well with my brother as a kid. And I think most siblings argue and don't always enjoy each others company. Yes, you learn a lot from that sibling relationship but as navylouise points out, you learn different things from being an only child. And you don't necessarily get to enjoy a close relationship as adults either, my brother emigrated to Australia, so I mostly feel like an only child here and if my parents weren't around, I'm not sure the fact that my brother exists will help with that. I see him for a few weeks every couple of years. Obviously that doesn't happen to all siblings, but it just shows that you never know what's going to happen.

    I'm sorry you're feeling bad about it. Sometimes I do too, but if I'm only going to get to do this once, I'm going to try and just enjoy it and not spend too much time wishing for things to be different. I totally understand the way you feel though, it sounds similar to when I was TTC.

    Xxx
     
    #10 Little_angel, Jul 17, 2013
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2013
  11. ceebee

    ceebee Well-Known Member

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    Oh ladies THANK YOU all so much. I had a lump in my throat reading a few of your posts, but it's been amazing reading them.

    Firstly diane and suem68, you are in a similar position to me thank you for sharing your stories - I'm sorry you've both had such a difficult time of things. Diane, I'm not surprised you're traumatised hon after all you've been through. I hope you manage to come to terms with the stressful time you've had with the counselling. I think I am the same as you suem68 - my head and heart are saying different things. Hopefully we'll come to accept our situations eventually and take on board some of what the other ladies have said. Hopesanddreams you're right as my hubby doesn't get on that well with his brother but has a best friend (who's an only child) who he is really close to. Hi Littleangel :wave:I'm glad you're starting to see the benefits of just having one child. I think that's what I need to start thinking about...

    It was really great to hear from you only children as I always assumed that only children longed for siblings, but you all sound pretty happy and in fact glad you were only children. It's given me a whole new perspective on things. I guess I can see now there are quite a few positives of being an only child - I'm going to be reading your posts a lot to keep reminding me of that until it sinks in. As for adoption, I'd love to, but I'm pretty sure with my health issues I don't think they would let us. I wouldn't be ready to adopt for a few years anyway until Harry is a bit older. Maybe if my health improves it could be a possibility so I won't rule it out just yet...
    My hubby is just a typical bloke and doesn't really get the need I have to have another so it wasn't that helpful talking to him.
    Well, I'm not sure I'll ever stop wanting another child but you've all really helped me to see things a bit differently and hopefully over time I will start to appreciate the benefits of Harry being an only child. Right now, I'm going to count my blessings and try and enjoy being a mum as much as I can, despite my difficulties. I hope you ladies struggling manage to do the same. Thanks again lovely people :hugs::love:xxxxxxxxxxxxx
     
  12. HopesDreams

    HopesDreams Well-Known Member

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    I'm glad it all gave you a different perspective to think about until decisions are made. :) *hugs*
     
  13. blondy13

    blondy13 Well-Known Member

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    This thread has been incredibly helpful to me too, I am having similar worries about lo being an only child. I think my reasons are slightly more selfish but basically I still am unsure if I can go through ltttc again. We conceived via iui on the NHS but next time would have to fund ourselves I believe, I can't justify getting into debt over it, I don't want to Jeopardise E's future. And the emotional and physical damage too!! It's lovely to read stories of only children who are happy with that.
     
  14. ceebee

    ceebee Well-Known Member

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    I don't think that's selfish blondy - ltttc must be so stressful and demoralising and then putting yourself in debt wouldn't be good for anyone. Glad this thread helped you too xxx
     
  15. Violet

    Violet Well-Known Member

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    Ceebee thank you for doing this post. I'm trying desperately to ignore the fact that Drake might be an only child due my age, health and how long it took last time to conceive and that was with help. I really want another child, but I just have this feeling it's not going to happen.

    It's good to see that being an only child isn't such a bad thing. I should know this cos my dad is an only child and has never felt the lack of a sibling. My mom has a sister and they didn't speak for years. It's only their mom dying that got them talking again.

    As for dealing with it - well currently I'm not, but reading this thread helps a little with thinking about the future.

    Thank u everyone who replied too.
     
  16. ceebee

    ceebee Well-Known Member

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    Really glad this thread is helping others too :) it's definitely helped me a bit although I think it will be a while before I can not feel jealous of people with 2 or more kids... I'm working on it! xxx
     
  17. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    my nan and grandad thought my mum would be an oly child, took them 10 yrs to concieve her and nan had mc's so they fostered instea so that my mum would have other kids to play with, then they had my uncles after a few years after all, my mum has fostered since i was 9 and tho at times its been hard its also been great having so many different kids come and go and since my great aunt did it at the age of 70 i think it might be possible if you wanted to do it at some point too. just an option to think about or look into hun :)
     
  18. ceebee

    ceebee Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Bev, but not sure I'm cracked up for fostering. I can't imagine getting close to the kiddies and then them having to leave... Think you have to be a certain kind of person for that. Still, never say never! :) xxx
     
  19. BevG

    BevG Well-Known Member

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    my mum does teenagers, then its usually their choice to leave lol, harder to get attatched to them too. its just one option tho and im sure no matter what your lil guy will have a wonderful childhood
     
  20. Emily0505

    Emily0505 Well-Known Member

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    I would love to have another, I always pictured myself as a mummy of two. Sadly, its likely that it won't happen.

    Hubby says no to anymore. He already has 2 children - Cam and a son from a previous relationship and as much as I love my stepson, its just not the same as your own. We have a 2 bed house and the boys share a room- we don't have room for another. There is a sixteen year age gap between me and oh and he thinks he'll be too old to have another in a few years. And the final reason oh gave me... Cam is perfect, how will we ever top perfection?

    I know he's being sensible in as much as we don't have room for another bubba but at the monent the sadness of not having another is pretty raw. Especially as there are a few ladies on here, who I was preggers at the same time as, have just announced they are expecting their second little ones.

    Cam sees his half brother regularly and they both love each other to bits! Cam gets sooooo excited when he sees R, its soooo cute. At the end of the day, as long as Cam is happy then that is my main priority. My feelings will fade in time I'm sure, its just hard to come to terms with at the moment.

    XX
     

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