Terrified it might happen again!!!

[Beckyb1991]

I've been with my partner for 5 years ,When I was 19 I was on the implant and started feeling really sick and my boobs were tender and always tired , my doctor said it was side effects from the implant and it was impossible to be pregnant on the implant ... After a week or so I went back feeling so poorly and again she said it was the side effect from the implant - didn't test me or anything! ... That night I fainted as I was going down the stairs and obviously fell down the stairs braking my arm and hitting my head on a radiator. Next thing I know I'm being taken to hospital .... At the hospital they asked me if I thought there was anything wrong and I explained how I'd been feeling ... They agreed to give me a pregnancy test with of course was possitive. Of course I was in shock and couldn't understand how it could happen as I was told it was impossible. They sent me for a scan which showed my 7 week ish baby with no heartbeat. I know it sounds bad but I couldn't feel bad, I felt numb , still in shock ... Only a few weeks later it hit me badly which ended in me and my partner splitting for a month. After this incident I had the implant taken out.

Last year me and my partner had moved to a new flat , we were really happy and settles , I didn't even notice at first that I was late on my period and we'd been really safe even though I desperatly wanted a baby. One night we were laying in bed and I was on my tablet doing some work and it occurred to me I hadn't had my period.... In pure shock I fumbled with my tablet mumbling to my partner that I thought I was pregnant ... Eventually I got on my period tracker app which said I was 3 weeks late for my period. I was sure it was wrong but still ran to the shop to buy 3 pg tests! ALL positive ... I was over the mood , the o/h was abit shocked and didn't know what to say but I didn't care... We decided to keep it a secret until we'd seen the doctor and worked out our dates but then the next night the bleeding started .... Heavily and clotted. I was inconsolable ... My o/H came home from work to find me on the bathroom floor blood all down my legs and sat in blood and blood all over my hands , I was as pale as a ghost and unresponsive (I don't remember any of this) ... He called my mum who called an ambulance and we went to hospital who confimed I was having a miscarrage , they kept me in and I had to do all my wee's and pass all the clots into a paper tray. I was devastated and blamed myself for getting too excited.... For wanting it too much.

The way I see it I am a mummy , without a baby ... But with 2 angels in the sky. I'm happy that we're ttc but I'm so anxious at the same time. I don't want to go through that again . So please everyone send me lots of that baby dust... As sticky as you can xxxxx

 

[Daley]

Sounds like you've had a tough time. Sending you lots of super sticky dust and always here if you want to chat x

 

[Beckyb1991]

Thank you hun , you don't know how much that means to me! I've never really been able to talk about it. I don't really have any close friends and we agreed to keep it between me , my partner , my mum and dad. We didn't want people to feel bad for us because worse things happen .. Plus at the time there were a lot of people in the family having babies .. We didn't want to ruin it for them. Xxx

 

[Daley]

I know what you mean about not being able to talk about it. I've done most of my talking to the girls on here, only way I can say what I need to say without getting upset. Oh has been great and full of cuddles but he has no idea what to say really. Xxx

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Sorry for your losses. The girls on here are amazing and will help you through. Good luck with ttc and lots of sticky baby dust to you. It's scary I know but 3rd time lucky lets hope x

 

[Beckyb1991]

Its so hard to put into words how horrible it is .. Even now thinking of it brings a tear to my eye! My o/h isn't very good with things like that , he cracks stupid jokes that make things 10x worse like - at least my vagina won't be gaping or at least we don't have to worry about having an ugly baby ... I think he genuinly thought it could make me laugh :/ I'm never upset so I don't think he knew what to do. He does mean well though. I'm so sorry for your recent loss daley! I'm always hear for you too! Fx its gonna be our month soon xxxxxx

Thank you lilmissshopeful! I'm so sorry for your loss too! I know it isn't easy! I do honestly believe that there is a reason for everything and eventually things work out the way you wanted! Fx for super sticky beans before christmas for all 3 of us xxxxxx

 

[Heather85]

Hey fingers legs arms and toes all crossed for you. Lots of baby dust xx

 

[can]

sending you lots of sticky baby dust and lots of goodluck, I have had 2 miscarriages and it was devastating and took a lot of strength to get through it, im currently 15 weeks pregnant and trying very hard to be positive. It will happen for you just take some time build up your strength and stay positive x x x

 

[Beckyb1991]

Thank you heather! Really appriciate that xxx

Sorry for your losses 'can' ... So happy that your pregnant again! I really hope you have a smooth happy pregnancy and a succesful special birth xxx

 

[Heather85]

I can echo this, I lost 3 before freya and was worried throughout my pregnancy. You'll get there love xxx

 

[Beckyb1991]

Sorry for your losses heather! Your little girl is just beautiful xxx

 

[Heather85]

Aww thanks. Just try and relax I know it's easier said than done. I drove myself mental, googled everything and anything to try and "work out" if I could pick up on anything. Didn't enjoy the most part, I wish I had but it wasn't that simple.

People moaned at me for it but some had never been in that position so didn't know what I was going through xx