Telling SIL. ....

Discussion in 'First Trimester' started by naomi88, Feb 28, 2016.

  1. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Hi All

    My SIL had a mc at 10 weeks (baby didn't grow past first few weeks) back at Christmas. Myself and OH had always hoped to have another baby this year, but having experience of mc myself I know the news may come as a bit of a blow to her.

    Wondering if anyone had any advice on how to go about telling her? She and our nephew live 6 hours away so telling her in person is out of the question.

    My initial gut feeling was to send it in a nicely worded message rather than ring with the news so she doesn't feel she has to respond straight away? We are planning on telling her on Saturday after our scan Friday, and will be telling other family and close friends the following day.

    Do you think a message is a good idea or would ringing be best?

    Any advice would be much appreciated!
    Xxx
     
  2. scn

    scn Well-Known Member

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    Personally I would ring her, you'll find the right things to say better in person and if she wants to get off the phone quick let her.
     
  3. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Thanks Karen. Will have a chat to my OH this week and see what he thinks. Xxx
     
  4. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    I think by phone would be best...

    Only because a text doesnt have any tone and your obviously want to let her know in a nice way.

    xxxx
     
  5. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Yeh I see what you mean. Don't want her thinking we are being cowardly about it by messaging either. Eesh I really hope it doesn't upset her too much xxx
     
  6. Prettypee

    Prettypee Well-Known Member

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    I would prefer a call- a text message would feel like you were avoiding telling me and nit very personal. She will know you care and I think you will both feel better after a ln honest phonecall. X
     
  7. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I was gnna say, if sil text me after my mc Id have been raging and probably have been more bitter. Bt if youv took the time to phone her it shows you value her approval if you like..

    Just so you know theres no right or wrong way hun. Every announcement after your mc feels like a punch to the throat bt after that initial shock or hurt for some people we do feel happiness.

    I was so jealous of the facebook announcements but still happy for them, or atleast the ones I like :lol: your sil might get an initial shock but it happens. Shell be more excited when she finds out shell have a neice nephew.

    Im dreadig telling my SIL bt purely because shes super snide and cant see shit but she wants it. Her response to our news with Jackson was "awww I want one" she hinted the other day at another already, my second neice is 8m. We will see what the next few month bring.

    Good luck.

    xxxx
     
  8. snowbee

    snowbee Well-Known Member

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    Having spent many years on the receiving end I would prefer something like an email that is longish and personal. That way I can tell that it isn't just a round robin message and that the person has considered my feelings and that it might be hard for me to hear the news. It also means I don't have to respond right away and I can get my sadness that it still isn't my turn out of the way and be genuinely happy for my friend. Please don't attach a scan photo, that is usually the last thing someone who has either suffered a loss or has had fertility problems wants to see. If they would like to see a picture they will ask. I would find an initial phonecall too awkward and the pressure for me to say the right thing and experience such a range of emotions in a few seconds is too much.
     
  9. Browneyed Girl

    Browneyed Girl Well-Known Member

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    Personally I would feel the same as Snowbee - an email or long text would be best. I'd find a phone call very difficult as you feel put on the spot and it's hard to hide your reaction. It's not easy either way but it really depends on the person xx
     
  10. Kholl

    Kholl Well-Known Member

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    One of my dearest friends has been ttc for 4.5 years, and suffered a devastating loss in November (lost her IVF twins at 20 weeks). I'm writing her a long letter to tell her my news.
     
  11. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Gosh how awful for your friend :-( I really hope she gets her baby sometime soon xxx
     
  12. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Yes see I'm in two minds about it. I know after my loss (or even just when we were trying but not succeeding ) it felt like a bit of a kick in the stomach whenever someone else got pregnant -- but I always wanted to act happy for the other person but usually needed a bit of time to get used to the idea
    I think in this situation I would have preferred myself to have received a personal email/letter (obviously minus any scan photos etc) so I could have a little bit of time to have a cry and then put on a happier face/voice when I decided to respond.

    It's hard to work out what another person would want as everyone is different.
    Xxx
     
  13. Cherrybelly

    Cherrybelly Well-Known Member

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    I agree. I've had three losses and don't think I could cope with a phone call. A long text or email gives you time to come to terms with it on your own. One of my close friends recently posted a scan pic on fb and I was devastated as she knew I'd had a loss in December, turns out she was a few weeks behind me, but didn't feel right telling me. I'd have much preferred her to let me know by text or email than have to see that X
     
  14. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Yeah it deffo depends on how shed react to whatever meathod.

    1. I dont use email and 2. If I recv a text Id think it was quite cowardly. But thats just me. 3. This world has gone tech daft :p

    I dont think it really matters how mny youv lost or how long youv tried. Ive had 1mc, if I had another 2 id still prob feel the same about a text.

    Theres a reason you dont dump people by text :p

    But yeah everyone takes news different.

    Good luck.

    xxxx
     
  15. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Oh definitely, that's why we want to tell her before anyone else - would hate for her to hear from someone else who might not be too tactful about it.
    I think avoiding talking about it at all is a bit cowardly, and quite insensitive to then let you find out via Facebook :-( xxx
     
  16. naomi88

    naomi88 Well-Known Member

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    Yeh I totally get what you mean about the text thing - plus it can only be so long then can't it. We email her quite a bit so it's a common method of communication for us but still a bit undecided on how to approach this one. Going to give it some more thought this week. She's quite a private person.

    Xxx
     
  17. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Oh deffo. Facebook is awful.

    But even then, after I seen and had a moan about the fb announcements I was fine.

    I told sil by phone the first time. Think prob will this time too. Dont want to send a text that she thinks everyone got, I wont be announcing till 20w on facebook so thats out the window :lol: im only doing special announcements for grandparents, but a bit of time to ring sil and keep her posted. A visit is too much I think.

    I hate big centre of attention announcements.

    xxxx
     
  18. fairyprincess

    fairyprincess Well-Known Member

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    I think a text or an email would be best. My best friend has been trying for over 5 years and when I told her I had started trying I asked her how she wanted me to tell her and she said just send me a text. I text her when I was just over 5 weeks with a sensitive message saying I'd understand if she needed some time and only get in touch when she felt ready. That worked for us. It's a really hard situation x
     
  19. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    I am that person who gets to hear all the announcements after almost 5 years ttc and numerous losses. I had one friend ring me and tell me she was pregnant in a very over the top excited way and said she is super fertile etc (wrong way to do it obvs) but then my cousin, who is also a close friend told me over the phone in the most sensitive way, she said she wanted to call me and tell me in person that she was expecting and she wanted me to know the same day as inlaws etc. She didn't stay on the phone long (I expect on purpose) but I appreciated her sensitivity, she wasnt boastful or in my face. I have found it easy to be around her since then and am so excited for her baby to arrive, whereas the other friend, who said they should 'sell what they have' made me feel uncomfortable and I avoided her for some time.
    I think it all depends on the kind of relationship you have with her but for me, a call was best. If she had text me, I would have felt worse and like I was unapproachable and then would have avoided contact I think, as I would have felt that she felt awkward if you know what I mean.
    I am sure she will know that you are approaching it all in a sensitive way xx
     
    #19 lisey, Feb 29, 2016
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2016
  20. Elfs Mummy

    Elfs Mummy Well-Known Member

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    My friends suffered two miscarriages over the summer I told her three weeks before I was going to announce to anyone else. She responded immediately that she was also pregnant and were due less than a week apart. I'm glad I text her as I wanted her to have the opportunity to react how she needed to and not to put on a face on the phone or in person. I think it's a really personal thing and there's no right or wrong way of doing it any way it's going to hurt xxx
     

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