Struggling

[Pinky Kate]

Hi

I'm struggling today. I've been married for five years and my husband refuses to have children. I don't know what to do for the best. I'm 33 and he is 35. I can't see a future for myself without a family. Our relationship is fantastic and he is wonderful with children. I think the only reason he doesn't want children is because his first girlfriend fell pregnant when he was 17 and it scared the life out of him. She aborted and ironically is now married and pregnant. I am certain this is the issue but he either won't admit it or doesn't realise it.

I just don't know what to do and today is a bad day, some days I am ok but today I'm very tearful

Thanks for reading, I just needed to get it out!

 

[Loula]

Sorry your hubby feels that way.
Will he not ever change his mind? Does he know how much you really want a child. Would you still stay with him. Sorry for all the questions z

 

[Pinky Kate]

Hi Loula

When we first got together, he didn't want to get married but he proposed after five years. He is adamant he doesn't want children though. I don't want to leave him, our relationship is wonderful, aside from this issue. He does know how important it is to me but still he flat refuses ��

 

[MayBMore]

That sounds really difficult :/ Usually I would suggest you both come to a compromise (just one child ha) but can't see how that would work when you are both so strongly opposite and you can't have half a child - you may have to accept he won't ever want children, but I can totally see how that would be devastating for you. I wonder if he has really thought about it and updated/reconsidered his view or just brushes it off? Deffo worth a serious sit down as it's a big deal.

 

[Keelygracey]

I agree, definitely worth a sit down and a serious chat - you both need to know where you stand. My partner had always said he wanted children but it was always 'one-day'... Our friends would always say "About time you had a baby isn't it?" Bearing in mind we met when we were 17 and have been together for 10 years this year, he would always just laugh and brush it off.
Eventually id had enough and sat him down.. i don't think he realised how strongly I felt about it and how miserable it made me when he just brushed the idea off in front of friends, I'm so glad we had the 'talk' because it's made us a lot closer and now we both know where we stand.

Have you ever had a serious chat about it? does he know how strongly you feel?

 

[Browneyed Girl]

Did you have a chat about children before you married? Has he changed his mind or has he always said he doesn't want children? I was in the same situation with my ex-husband but he changed his mind after marriage and decided he didn't want kids. He already had a son by an ex who got pregnant accidentally on purpose after he'd been with her 6 months and basically made his and his sons life hell for years. I think this was a big factor in him ultimately backing out. I knew I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who would deny me the chance to be a mum so it was a deal breaker and we split up. I now have my beautiful son and know I would choose him every time. There's not much you can unfortunately other than tell him how important it is and give him time to think but ultimately he has to want a child for himself as well as you. You definitely need to talk as you don't want to wake up one day and think you've left it too late and resent your husband for it xx

 

[tinselcat]

If you would choose, would you choose to stay childless and with your husband (and have a happy life not resenting him over this issue)? or would you rather have children?

I'm sorry to hear you're in this position. I hope you can convince him to change his mind. Otherwise you will have to work out which path you wish to follow.

 

[Pinky Kate]

thanks for your replies ladies. I'm pretty certain that if I stay with him, I will end up resenting him for denying me the chance to be a mum. He can't even give me a sensible reason for not wanting children, just saying "I don't want to be a dad" which isn't giving a reason!

 

[MrsS15]

I think you need to sit him down and say this is basically make or break for you so either he gives you a very real answer as to why he doesn't want children or you're going to walk away. I've been with my husband for 12 years and I'd still walk away tomorrow if he said he didn't want children. You could wait around forever for him and end up resenting him so much for depriving you. It's not something you can ever go back on! At the same time though, if he's forced into having a child that he doesn't want he could resent the child and your parenting journey would be very hard! Unfortunately I'm this case there is absolutely no compromise which is so difficult. If he maybe said he isn't ready right now but gave you a time frame of when you could try? That would be fair enough. If there's absolutely no give or take with him then you need to balance up what is more important to you. A friend of mine was with her ex husband for 10 years, she waited and waited for him to agree to children and he never did so she walked away. She's now with someone else and has 2 beautiful children! I hope you come to the best decision for you xxx

 

[BunnyN]

I dont want to offend anyone, ultimately I think each person has to make there own choices, so this is just my personal feeling, but I think marriage is a commitment. If you cant commit to a stable happy relationship how can you commit to children? If you leave him is there any guarantee you will find another happy relationship and if you do and have children then what if one of you has a different problem that you cant agree on? Will you break up over it? What if it turned out your new partener was unable to have children?

Please just ignore what I say if you don't agree, just another way of thinking. I really feel for you and hope your OH changes his mind. I think its a good idea to try a serious chat about it and at least ask him to explain better why he doesnt want to and make sure he really gets how important it is to you.

 

[Sparklegirl]

thanks for your replies ladies. I'm pretty certain that if I stay with him, I will end up resenting him for denying me the chance to be a mum. He can't even give me a sensible reason for not wanting children, just saying "I don't want to be a dad" which isn't giving a reason!

I completely understand this feeling, I know that I would be the same too. Its different for me, they dont have a time limit really and should he change his mind in 10 years time it would be ok for him. In 10 years time it would undoubtedly he harder for you. It sounds like such a terrible situation, I really feel for you

As others have said there is no middle ground with this it is very black and white. The compromise can only be him deciding to have a baby he might not want at the moment, or you giving up the dream of being a mum. Neither of which are healthy for you and there will be likely to be resentment on both sides. By the sounds of it you both need an open and honest conversation about this and he needs to tell you why, its not just 'I dont want to' that helps nobody

My husband and I are TTC at the moment and when we first met (before our first date actually) I told him that I had my life view planned, I wanted marriage and children and if he was very much against one or the other, I wouldnt be dating him. People said that I was silly to say that and be so blunt because it would scare him away, well so be it since both are deal breakers for me. I would have resented him for life if he was the reason I would never have a baby- by refusal I mean, not due to fertility issues. He proposed on our 18 month anniversary and we married a year to the day later and we are still TTC.

Sorry for the ramble there- what I was trying to say was dont settle for something that essentially wont make you happy. I am not advocating bullying your husband into it or forcing is hand or leaving him right away, but a conversation is without doubt in order, you need to know exactly where you stand and why. I know with me being 34, I am anxious that my age might be playing a part in our journey so I understand that you want an answer sooner rather than later and you can start your journey when its the right time for you

 

[PeanutButter]

My sister is in the situation at the min. Ive said to her, you really need to think about whats more important being with her OH or having children. I know she will choose him. I told her to imagine life in 10 years and see how she'll feel about having no kids. I said what if you wake up when your 50 and regret not having any. She said she doesn't know.
Personally id tell him how big of deal it is to you.. Its make or break. You can stay with him but You imagine yourself in 10 years, will you resent your husband for never letting you become a mother? Will you ever let wanting children rest?
Theres alot of thinking for you to do. I hope your hubby comes round. All the best.

 

[Browneyed Girl]

I dont want to offend anyone, ultimately I think each person has to make there own choices, so this is just my personal feeling, but I think marriage is a commitment. If you cant commit to a stable happy relationship how can you commit to children? If you leave him is there any guarantee you will find another happy relationship and if you do and have children then what if one of you has a different problem that you cant agree on? Will you break up over it? What if it turned out your new partener was unable to have children?

Please just ignore what I say if you don't agree, just another way of thinking. I really feel for you and hope your OH changes his mind. I think its a good idea to try a serious chat about it and at least ask him to explain better why he doesnt want to and make sure he really gets how important it is to you.

I think these are valid points however both parties have to commit to a happy stable life together. If she committed to a childless life with her husband and years down the line through no fault of her own he left her, he could start a new relationship and still have the option of children whereas the poster will have committed to a childless life and lost that opportunity. It is different for men imo xx