Step Mumma’s. Also for those who children have step parents

[Hearyoume]

So I’ve been with my partner for a couple eats now, we live together and are engaged. We have his son on a regular basis over weekends, holidays etc.
The relationship between him and his ex is strained. A lot of down to how she acts and her attitude towards things but they are civil and co-parent well. Me and her also get on fine.
And I have a fantastic relationship with my stepson.

My partner and I have agreements on what we expect from his son sort of like attitude wise, little jobs to be done (mainly relating to keeping his room clean, asking for snacks or certain foods/treats rather than helping himself as well as things to do such as brush teeth etc before playing Xbox) and I have to say he respects us both and when it is just me and my step son he will do things if i ask without any troubles. Honestly I’d do anything for him.
However recently it was my partners birthday and a couple days before my stepson told me his mum hasn’t brought him a card or present to give to his dad. Unfortunately this is the 3rd birthday in a row this has happened so I was well prepared and had already ordered an extra present he could give, it wasn’t anything big but the second I told him this the upset and disappointed look on his face vanishes.
Now my partner isn’t bothered about presents etc but his son loves giving him them and my partner hates seeing him upset over it. The first year my step son was in tears as he hadn’t even got him a card, I had only been with him about a month and seeing him so upset broke my heart. I ended up running to the shop before it closed, and have to say I made it within minutes and brought him a card at the time I had no time for a present as it was the next day so I ended up giving him the present I had brought to give to his dad.

My partner knows I have always done this and always pre prepared just in case, same with the past couple fathers days. He really is grateful for it as it keeps his son happy but it also annoys him at the same time because he just doesn’t think I should be the one worrying about this stuff and taking responsibility for it all the time.

It honestly doesn’t bother me. I just think it is what it is and it keeps my step son happy and my partner also doesn’t have to see his child upset on his birthday because he wasn’t got anything to give to him.
No matter what I’ll continue to do it. As for me seeing him cry about it again isn’t worth the risk but is my partner right? Should this all really be down to his ex to buy their sons gifts for him? My partner buys all her gifts from him for occasions etc.

I’m just trying to do what’s best for everyone

Thanks for reading.

 

[Vintageling]

as a person who ended up with divorced parents my mum always helped me out with birthday cards and gifts for my dad and she still will now if she sees something while out that i would like as a gift to my dad. I think the fact there is a strain between them is why she isnt doing it but she needs to conciser her son it is always a good thing to be able to go shopping for someone you love even as a child and he is missing out on that because of her. Untill she resolves this though I know your super prepared but could it be worth taking him to the shops without dad to pick alittle something for him or sit with him and show him stuff online a wekk or so in advance so he still got to pick. Honestly though your doing an amazing thing by doing this for your son

 

[Hearyoume]

as a person who ended up with divorced parents my mum always helped me out with birthday cards and gifts for my dad and she still will now if she sees something while out that i would like as a gift to my dad. I think the fact there is a strain between them is why she isnt doing it but she needs to conciser her son it is always a good thing to be able to go shopping for someone you love even as a child and he is missing out on that because of her. Untill she resolves this though I know your super prepared but could it be worth taking him to the shops without dad to pick alittle something for him or sit with him and show him stuff online a wekk or so in advance so he still got to pick. Honestly though your doing an amazing thing by doing this for your son

Thank you. Honestly there isn’t a huge strain. They don’t often argue and the only time they tend to do is when she keeps changing her mind if she is getting her partner to pick up him or drop him off. Most the time we go get him and they’ll come pick him up however she always changing the time ranging from 5,6,7 or 8pm and my partner just gets annoyed as we often plan to see friends after she has picked him up or we’ve taken him home and normally the changes happen a couple hours before hand but we just get on with it now.
Other times is when he’s been naughty she goes on a Facebook rant saying how bad he is any my partner finds out about his behaviour that way and he doesn’t agree or like it being on Facebook. He wants her to come to him first not just read a status about it - though he rarely misbehaves anyway.

I do normally ask so I get a pretty good idea what I can order that he would like to get him. This year was rick and Morty stuff and both where very please

 

[WinterWolf]

I think the mother probably thinks it's your job to buy presents, as the father is your partner now, not hers. She's probably not doing it purposely, she might just think it would be weird to give a present to her ex. Regardless, I agree with the above comment, instead of giving the kid something to give to his Dad, it would be way better to take him out and let him pick something himself. Then he wouldn't need to rely on anyone doing it for him and he'd probably feel much better about the whole situation.

 

[Hope123]

I have experienced similar with my step daughter. We buy her mum birthday, Christmas, Mothers Day presents and to be fair, up until the past year she had done the same for my fiance. This fathers day, however, my step daughter came on the Friday before Fathers Day and I asked if she had remembered to bring her Fathers Day bits.. She looked at me, her eyes filled up and she said 'Oh no, me and mum must have forgotten'! I told her not to worry and we would sort it. I don't see how it is possible to forget when there are bits in the shops for weeks and her mum would have been getting something for her own Dad. My step daughter was so upset but I'd said not to worry and we managed to nip out without my partner on the Saturday.
It is a tough one.. I still don't know if she did 'forget' or whether she just couldn't be bothered or thought it was my job now. Even though for the past how ever many years she has sorted it herself.
Not quite the same! But I know what you mean, sometimes its best to just get on with it, keep the peace and try and please and do what is best for everyone. It is just a bit annoying when you go out of your way to sort presents for the child's mum!

 

[Vintageling]

as a person who ended up with divorced parents my mum always helped me out with birthday cards and gifts for my dad and she still will now if she sees something while out that i would like as a gift to my dad. I think the fact there is a strain between them is why she isnt doing it but she needs to conciser her son it is always a good thing to be able to go shopping for someone you love even as a child and he is missing out on that because of her. Untill she resolves this though I know your super prepared but could it be worth taking him to the shops without dad to pick alittle something for him or sit with him and show him stuff online a wekk or so in advance so he still got to pick. Honestly though your doing an amazing thing by doing this for your son

Thank you. Honestly there isn’t a huge strain. They don’t often argue and the only time they tend to do is when she keeps changing her mind if she is getting her partner to pick up him or drop him off. Most the time we go get him and they’ll come pick him up however she always changing the time ranging from 5,6,7 or 8pm and my partner just gets annoyed as we often plan to see friends after she has picked him up or we’ve taken him home and normally the changes happen a couple hours before hand but we just get on with it now.
Other times is when he’s been naughty she goes on a Facebook rant saying how bad he is any my partner finds out about his behaviour that way and he doesn’t agree or like it being on Facebook. He wants her to come to him first not just read a status about it - though he rarely misbehaves anyway.

I do normally ask so I get a pretty good idea what I can order that he would like to get him. This year was rick and Morty stuff and both where very please

Least it isnt a massive strain and yea that would annoy me to the changing of plans. The facebook thing I dont agree with that either poor lad has his dirty laundry broadcasted but then I dont post stuff like that about myself to be fair

 

[Hearyoume]

We know she doesn’t forget and she always says she’ll get him something but then doesn’t bother or when she does it’s always the excuse I’ve been busy (bearing in mind he is school age, 11 years old and she doesn’t work) the year before his presents came late after I had brought them, last year she message me at 1pm the day before his before to say she can send me £10 and by then I had already taken him out and let him pick out what he wanted which was £20 of stuff and then got moaned at by her for spending that much with out asking but I just got what he had brought. This year she told my partner last week she hasn’t had time to go out so will send me money but never did and hasn’t been in touch, not even to ask if he had got anything for his dad and his birthday is now been and gone.

He was 8 when they split up so she knows the dates etc and they agreed they’d always get each other’s presents from him. She would flip if my partner left it to hers to get her stuff for birthdays etc.

At least I know in some way I’m doing the best thing by being prepared for him. And that it would be a better idea to plan ahead with him present next Time

 

[Vintageling]

See that's her being a total hypocrite but at least he has a good step mum in you hun

 

[Hearyoume]

See that's her being a total hypocrite but at least he has a good step mum in you hun

Thank you. It’s just so frustrating the first year it was a late gift, the second she forgot and then eventually sent me money the day before this birthday and this year she has done nothing but knew his birthday was coming as she said to my partner the week before she will send me money over the week to sort it out but she hasn’t. Not a word from her. And to me it isn’t about the money it’s about the child who loves giving his dad birthday presents and trying to avoid him being upset when he can’t. His birthday was days ago now and even though his son has spoke to his mum recently she hasn’t even bothered to ask if her son was able to give his dad a present or even check in if it got sorted. It doesn’t bother me that I have had to pay but just a simple thank you would be nice. My partner really doesn’t think it’s my responsibility to sort of his child’s present for him as that should be down to him and her as they had agreed. He knows hat I’ll do it anyway. Christmas, birthdays and Father’s Day I’ve had back up present for the past 3 years now and it’s hit and miss if she doesn’t give their son anything to bring but I have never received a thank you from her for doing it. Like my partner said as far as she could know her son didn’t get him anything for his birthday as it was never arranged with my by her.

I think I’m just extra frustrated this time as my partner always says I do a lot more than most step parents and even their son has said he doesn’t really have any kind of relationship with his mums partner like he does with me. It doesn’t help that we are struggling to conceive our own child and it just gets to me that I got the extra mile and often feel like I’m not even being blessed with my own baby

 

[Browneyed Girl]

I may be going against the grain here but I think you and your partner are making too much of this. Yes it would be nice if she bought presents with her son for his father and it is the adult thing to do but things change and if she has now stopped doing that I would just accept it. It’s a nice thing for you and your stepson to do together and if you have children with your partner you would want him to be treated the same as the others. I was a step parent for many years and as his mother was difficult I wouldn’t have wanted her to be sending presents for my oh. I bought presents with my step son for all ocassikns and never really thought about whether I should or shouldn’t be doing it, it was the right thing to do. I’m now a single parent of 2 and don’t foresee us buying each other presents forever more even from the children. I will always ask them but I honestly would be happy with a home made card from my sons so I wouldn’t be bothered at the lack of a present x