stay at home mum

[Shepherdess]

Hi girls, I'm 5 weeks pregnant so I think I'm just feeling anxious because of that but I'm curious as to what others think

I work two days a week, part of this is because due to the expense of childcare it's pointless me working more but it's mainly our lifestyle choice. we get by but we are by no means well off but I want to be the one too bring my kids up

anyway, I try my best in the house, I cook clean tidy and generally expect my husband to do very little, the only thing I ask him to do is fold and put away his laundry after I've washed and dried it (it's a job I hate) and on an evening after dinner i give him the choice of playing with our daughter or doing the filling the dishwasher , most nights he plays. I'll admit I was better in the house when my toddler was tiny as she napped and went in her jumperoo etc so the house was always spotless and lunch was always ready on the table when he came in but now she's older and I have to give her so much more undivided attention standards have slipped. it's not that my house is a dirty tip but I have no time to do things during the day so I tidy on a night time so when my husband comes in at lunchtime there's toys around and lunch isn't waiting for him. he's never said anything negative to me, he does begrudge fold his laundry but it really is a job I hate

anyway I've got myself all worked up after reading an article online yesterday when men married to sahm's have honest opinions and lots called their wives lazy and were disappointed that the lifestyle choice they'd made meant there house wasn't always show home standard and didn't like when their wives asked for support.

do you think I should be doing every little thing in the house? ive got myself worried my husband is harbouring some resentment

 

[mylullaby]

Erm to put it frankly, fuck no! You are a stay at home MUM, not a slave or your husbands skivvy. Fuck me i thought we’d moved on from the 1950s but apparently not. That article was bollocks. Ignore every word of it.

I’m not saying chores shouldn’t be weighted depending on who’s at home more. In our house they are and that works for us. But when you stay at home with your child, your job is to take care of the child. Do you see nursery staff fitting in time to clean the windows or a spot of dusting around the childcare? No. They have cleaners and they tidy up when the kids have gone home. Fine if you get chance to empty the dishwasher or do a load of washing while your toddler naps or whatever, but it just isn’t possible for most people to keep on top of housework and kids at the same time.

Fwiw, in our house, DH usually comes home and takes over kid stuff (supervising tea time if he’s home early enough or playing for a bit before doing story, bath, bedtime, etc). I usually tidy up all the toys and sort our evening meal while he’s doing this and might unload the dishwasher or clean around the kitchen as needed. Then around that we both just kind of chip in and do stuff when needed - laundry, clean bathrooms, take the bins out, hoover, mop floors, etc.

Rather than worry about resentment, I’d actively talk to your partner about how difficult it would be for you to do everything. Use the article as a point of reference if you think it might help? You also work 2 days a week too, remember? In former generations where the women traditionally stayed at home and men went out to work there wasn’t the expectation that women should also be contributing to the household finances. I think it’s really unfair that women are now expected to take on the kids, the household AND an income so the important men can come home and do fuck all. Now THAT is lazy. I couldn’t be in a relationship where my partner thought so little of me.

PS the only people I know who have “show home standard” homes are the ones who have cleaners!

 

[millielaura]

Agree with everything mylullaby said. Yesterday my baby went to grandmas for 7 hours for the first time and I prpb got more done than I have the last 9 months in terms of housework! It's defo a full time job being a SAHM xx

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

 

[candymycandy]

Those men sound like a**eholes! Agree with the other ladies. I took a career break after mat leave as at that point it wasn’t cost effective to return to work.

Being a SAHM is deffo a full time job and miles harder than going into work work. I tried my best to do the bulk of stuff but that’s mostly because DH is lazy, not because I felt it was my responsibility. It’s all about sharing the load in whatever works best for your family. Maybe have a chat with him and see what he’s thinking, just so you can stop worrying.

It’s also worth noting that when you go to work you get lunch breaks, toilet breaks, get to chat to your friends and play on your phone - SAHMs generally don’t get much of a break!

 

[GBLiz]

HI shepherdess. I dont think it matters what the article says. It matters what's going on in YOUR relationship, nobody elses. Has your husband admitted to harbouring resentment at the state of the house? Ok he may resent the folding but is he ok with everything else? Why not ask, he may think you are doing a great job and he just doesnt like folding clothes so its his little grump!

Its a full time job to look after your children, its another full time job to keep up with housework! I'm a SAHM and i am RUBBISH at keeping the house in order. My husband is great and helps out a lot with hoovering and keeping the kitchen clean. I tend to do washing and keeping the bathroom clean. I think the fact you dont expect much of your husband he is a lucky man! Maybe he knows it if he has never said anything negative to you? Just talk to him and get your mind put at rest!

 

[JustTrying]

HI shepherdess. I dont think it matters what the article says. It matters what's going on in YOUR relationship, nobody elses. Has your husband admitted to harbouring resentment at the state of the house? Ok he may resent the folding but is he ok with everything else? Why not ask, he may think you are doing a great job and he just doesnt like folding clothes so its his little grump!

Its a full time job to look after your children, its another full time job to keep up with housework! I'm a SAHM and i am RUBBISH at keeping the house in order. My husband is great and helps out a lot with hoovering and keeping the kitchen clean. I tend to do washing and keeping the bathroom clean. I think the fact you dont expect much of your husband he is a lucky man! Maybe he knows it if he has never said anything negative to you? Just talk to him and get your mind put at rest!

I agree with this completely.

It doesnt matter what era we are living in and whether we are following modern trends.

What matters is, what's working for your relationship?

I don't like the way O/h washes the dishes and does the laundry so I have taken over entirely. I also cook daily. He almost ALWAYS does the hoovering/gardening/emptying bins/cleaning litter trays and toilets because I hate it but from time to time has a whinge that I havent hoovered in forever so I buckle up and do it just to get him off my back.

We both work btw and he has already mentioned how he expects the house to be in good order if I will be staying at home during maternity leave. Do I care? NO! I will do the best I can but I will not SLOG my guts to keep it looking immaculate.

We both have OCD about different things anyway so lets see.

What you should do is leave your baby with him for 2 days when he is on A/L and let's see how he copes. I can assure you the house will be a dump!

 

[tinselcat]

wow, your husband is very lucky that he has someone who does so much for him.

As a full-time working single mother (to a toddler) with a busy job, I'd say that childcare is FAR harder and more work than being in an office all day (I don't know if this is what he does), so actually you are the one who should have more respite and help. Quite frankly, if he wants things cleaner then he knows where the cupboard with the stuff in is.

Please don't let some stupid online article about other privileged people make you insecure. x

 

[Felicia]

That's what I was. I was a stay at home mom.

 

[Kimi89]

I’m glad i came across this thread, I’ve been having the same issues with my OH. He helped more at the start while I was recovering from the birth and wasn’t getting much sleep at night, but now our son is 6 months he does hardly anything round the house even at weekends. He does work long hours but he uses this as an excuse not to help in the evenings. We’ve had a few bad rows about it lately. He pesters me for sex but when I explain I’m tired from looking after our son and trying to keep on top of house work and suggest he helps out more he goes off on one.