sorry me waffling again... UPDATED :(

[trixipaws]

sorry i wasnt sure whether to post this here or in the routines section, but it feels like more of a relationship thing

my boyf and i are falling out over parenting, and tonite he said "this is driving a wedge between us"
millie wasnt planned so we never had chance to discuss parenting- so we're encountering the problems as we go along- and the problems seem to be we're quite different (we had quite different upbringings maybe thats why idk)

i kno some of u heard this b4 but the issue is raised again- millie was crying this evening and my boyf wouldnt go comfort her he said i should do it. so i did, i went stroked her tummy, held her hand, then gave her a dummy. she was still crying, so i came downstairs and asked him to go- but he refused! i asked should i pick her up then but he said no- i should try harder (im not trying hard enough apparently!)
so i went up, but i couldnt soothe her and she was breaking her heart so i picked her up (then i gave her some milk, she was a little hungry coz she was on for over 5 mins)
anyway, he later said i was being "shit" and implied im a bad parent coz i dont hav the super-human willpower he does resisting picking up my baby

MY VIEW is that if one of us (ie ME!) finds something distressing and the other one (him) doesnt- why wont he do it for me? i would do something for him if he found it hard and i didnt

HIS VIEW is that i should be able to do it anyway, and "need" to be equally strong in all areas

i just needed to rant really but thanks for reading if u did!

 

[Redshoes]

I may be wrong, but I think its a common issue that Mummys cannot not pick up their LO's when they cry whereas the OH's can leave them to cry, and personally trixipaws I'm with you on this one, and would have to pick her up also
If he doesn't want to pick Millie up then he either can't be bothered, knows you will do it anyway, or actually believes leaving her to cry is for the best. He's entitled to his opinion but he shouldn't say yours makes you a bad parent, especially when you're the one soothing Millie in the first place.
What I think he needs to know though, is that you need his support, as your partner, as Millie's Daddy, because its nothing to do with will power, its all about what you believe is best for your baby, and he should respect that, even if he disagrees.
Isaac isn't a good sleeper, and I can honestly say I know how blooming hard it can be with a screaming baby you've put down for however many times already I find it hard to leave him to cry, walking away from the hard situation would be a damned site easier, your OH obviously has no idea how hard it is for you trixi, otherwise he wouldn't say such insensitive things.
Millie may not have been planned, but you're both choosing to be parents for her who try their best, and that takes team work, he's not being a good team player at the mo is he. He needs to understand that as easy as it is for him to leave Millie, you find the opposite makes you tick with Millie. You need to ignore his insensitivity trixi, like you would a child, praise his good points and ignore the bad if he won't listen or change

 

[Emmylou]

^^^^ I agree with Amy, I would do the same, I can't leave Libby to scream & cry, if she is upset or unsettled, I don't believe the leaving her helps......thats my opinion (I'm starting a controlled crying debate here peeps ).
Your OH should be suporting you, you are her mother, wantin to soothe her is your natural instinct, he cannot tell you how you should feel/ act when she is upset, as he doesn't have the invisible string attaching her to him like you do...the one that pulls on your heart!
Stick to your guns hun, I remember from your previous post I read that he thinks she will be a spoilt child if you don't sort this out, well, I think for Milliepops to know that mummy will be there when she needs her, is the best gift you have given her.
She could be waking for a cuddle, in which case the tummy rubs should work, if they're not working then maybe she IS hungry, or thirsty. Babies are all so different, I've just replied in your other post, and Libby doesn't sleep through either, nor does Dylan (Cloud9's son), so I don't think Milly is any different to many other babies darlin'

 

[bobtheunfortunateone]

Firstly you are doing a great job, it sound like he is wanting to do control crying (or just to let her cry) this is a bad idea at this stage. Your insticts are right to comfort her, at least until you can distigush between the crys, (hungry, sleepy, in pain, attention) We did it with our lad and it worked perfect, but we both pulled our weight until that point (and after). You sound like a great mother.

Control crying does work but only if you can understand why the baby is crying, if unsure always comfort, it is there way of communicating with you, they don't very often just cry for the sake of it! Get him to pull his finger out and bond alittle. babies can pick up on tension and insucurities and it makes them cry more!

 

[trixipaws]

aww thanx 4 reading guys- and even more thanx 4 replying!

its a tricky one, coz i DO believe its for the best to resist picking her up- i just find it too hard so i think he ought to do it. idk why he wont just do it! its almost as if he's doing it on purpose, tryna toughen me up like were in the army or something

anyway we'll see how it goes tonite!

 

[trixipaws]

she's cried twice this evening, this is the second time and he's gone in to her both times.

i feel more supported today!

 

[mrs_tommo22]

I feel so sorry for you Rachel, its such a hard call and Im with you though on this - I couldnt leave my DD to sob her heart out, theres a difference between a bit of crying and no tears - to the sobbing and crying - Im now giving in to both I cant let her cry anymore - its really getting to me, but she hardly does it now Once a week at most now.

Cant you settle her in loubge with you and then when shes asleep, had boob etc then put her to bed? there has to be a way of getting millie to go to sleep happy

 

[trixipaws]

he seems to feel so strongly about this. it could potentially split us up

he made me go again tonite- i just seem to make her even more distressed- i came downstairs but he said i hadnt tried hard enough and told me "dont wind me up"

so i went up and gave in, i picked her up and gave her milk (after that she went down fine)

when i got downstairs he had a face on him

managed to kinda sweep it under carpet for now but itll come back up i kno it will

girls i dont kno what to do

 

[Redshoes]

Trixipaws I just wanted to mention that Millie may not be all well if she is teething, it can cause headaches and general unwell feeling in LO's so if she's teething, or has the symptons, red cheeks, lots of dribble, mad munching on everything, then it'd be unfair to let her cry anyway Also, because now they are moving from milk to milk & food, she may not be entirely full, you say she took some milk, she was hungry, had you not offered it her she may have gone to sleep still hungry!

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING because it feels right to you, if OH was saying you going to her was a GOOD thing, I don't think you'd be questioning yourself or how you deal with this situation. Please try to ignore him, I understand you want support, if he won't give it, have you a family member or friend you can call? I've felt unsupported many times, but once LO is asleep and I've had a good cry or rang a good friend, things seem much better and there;s always the pride in knowing you were there for your LO, despite how hard it was and unsupported

 

[Squiglet]

I honestly believe in the intelligence of children.. even at a young age like Millie.

It probably won't get better either. I'm a more lax parent that what DH is... He does take a harder stand point on things... and while I feel his parenting methods are too hard, he feels mine are too soft.

But at the end of the day, Tia needs both... She needs dad to keep her in line on everyday things, but she needs me to throw a massive wobbly when she does something really bad. But she also needs to know there is someone she can come and talk to without the fear of retribution.

It looks like Millie has already learnt that if you go in to her, if she cries long enough, you will eventually pick her up and feed her. Whereas dad won't so she won't bother. She is also learning at the same time, that if she continues to cry, daddy will eventually send mummy in and mummy will pick her up.

Personally, I feel your OH shouldn't be saying you're crap at this, but should take over the settling routine for a few months so that Millie gets it in her head that no one will be picking her up from now on, if it's bed time. I always put Tia to bed because I can settle her much more easily than DH can... and at night, DH would jump up and see to her at the slightest cry, where I was much more able to just leave her a bit.

Parents fullfill different roles in a childs life and there will be somethings that you will be better at handling than OH and vice a versa... Its a partnership and you should be banding together in order to teach your child, not undercut each other, or try and prove whos the better parent because they are stronger.

In my life, my mum was the strong parent, my dad was the weaker one... but while my mum was good at caring for us, it was my dad who was better at the emotional stuff. Neither parent was better, just different.

Also as Redshoes says... Its not a simple as black and white. It may be in the future circumstances will change... Millie will be teething, or she might get sick, hungry, thirsty... as she becomes a toddler a whole range of reasons to get out of bed will occur and both you and OH are going to need to compromise. With your OH being derogatory towards your parenting abilities, it won't make things easier... eventually Millie will pick up on this as she gets older and she will play on it... in a BIG way..

 

[freepie]

Hiya,

I havent posted about this before - but what about a rota??

Sounds stupid - but how about you discuss taking it in turns to settle her?

i.e. you try first and feed her is she is hungry - and then if she fusses again your OH takes a turn to settle her?

That way you are both involved and both trying.

Please remember - you and your OH are on the same side! You are not against each other! It will be tough for both of you, but this stage will pass, she will sleep better - and then you will be bickering over something else - thats life!

 

[trixipaws]

thanx for ur replies girls

last nite at about 4am she woke and kept crying she wouldnt settle not even boob- we were both up tryna chill her out! my boyf was really grumpy (he needs his sleep!) and i was scared i thought he'd be all like "this is ur fault for being soft" etc but he wasnt- he held me close and kissed and cuddled me as we left her crying in her cot (coz i'd changed her nappy, offered boob which she refused, cuddled her and dummyfied her yet she still cried!) after 5 mins or so she stopped and we all fell asleep.

tonite he isnt home, its his work do and he's staying out in a hotel- so no more arguments tonite thank goodness!

and 2mro we are both out all nite and millie's staying at my parents', so ill get out of confrontation then as well.

hopefully after that itll be too close to christmas for him to hav a go at me!

wish me luck haha

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Have a great night out tomorrow!

 

[HappyAlice]

Aww poor you, you must be exhausted

I heard that it's best for a man to go anyway, because she wouldn't be able to smell the breast milk. Babies just want mummy's boobys if mummy is there

 

[lauramumof2]

I could always tell with Jessica if she was needing something or was just wanting lifted. There is something in the way that they cry that gives you signals. A fly 'lift me' cry always stops and starts and gets less noisy each time till they drop off. The length of the cry also decreases.

I always go in every 5 mins but to be honest I never had to do it much. I have to admit to being a bit harder about this but its worked really really well and I have to say I have 2 great sleeping kids. Not 365 days of the year tho.