So confused atm :(

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by Amylize, Feb 23, 2012.

  1. Amylize

    Amylize Well-Known Member

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    I am not confused about my pregnancy ladies i want this more than anything in the world.

    Me and the OH constantly argue about past issues which he cannot seem to get past nor do i think he can actually forgive. He says he wants to be a good dad and that dads are there no matter what.

    I do agree with him but, i dont agree that if we stay together then it will benefit the baby if were constantly at each others throat at least 3 times a week. It's always the same thing we argue about.

    I havent been faithful in the relationship and i told him last year around august time. I fell pregnant with his baby in Novemeber and found out December which was a shock considering that we were on the list for IVF.

    He decided then we would start the year off as a new year new start. But yet it's the same. I am frightened to death that the arguing and the shouting and slamming doors is going to either effect my mental state or effect my pregnancy.

    I walked out last night at 11 oclock and stayed at my dads. i really really dont know what to do for the best.

    He says he cant forget but wants to forgive me. But i feel that he cant i that he thinks when the baby is here all arguements will just completely stop. It deosnt work like that, and i was brought up in a broken home where my parents argued and fought, i dont want that for my child, i would rather him or her have two parents that look after them and love them that arnt arguing all the time.

    What do i do?!?! :strangle:
     
  2. Jayjay027

    Jayjay027 Well-Known Member

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    I don't want to sound like I'm offering up a cliche, but could you try couples therapy? It seems that he's having a difficult time dealing with ur infidelity and if you both want the relationship to work, he's going to have to work through his issues and learn to trust u again.

    He can't keep throwing it in ur face because that isn't helping anyone. He needs to either find a way to work through it, or decide that he can't get over it and let u walk away.
    I admire u for having the courage to try and get it sorted, lots wouldn't!

    Sit him down and calmly tell him that he's pushing u away by arguing about it all the time. You can't change the past, but u can both build a future together and see if he's willing to work on it!

    Best of luck xx

    Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk
     
  3. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    I was going to suggest the same as Jayjay hun, the best thing is for you to have a mediator to discuss your individual issues in an open and honnest way. It's the only thing that will get you through.

    Hope things get resolved for you soon, you don't need extra stress at the moment x
     
  4. Daydreaming

    Daydreaming Well-Known Member

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    A betrayal can take a long time to get over, my (now) husband betrayed me roughly 4 years ago - it took us almost a year to get over it. The only reason we did get over it was because each time I got upset with the memory of it was because he would sit there and reassure me it would never happen again - he used to take some abuse!

    If you were not pregnant I would say you owe it to your fella to let him vent and remind him you have changed, as you are pregnant it is a lot of stress to take on and you would need support to be able to do it.

    You have to remember he is stressed too - he is having with a baby with someone he is just learning to trust all over again, there will be a lot of "will she stay faithful this time" questions.

    At the end of the day only you two know if you can make the relationship work - it will just take a lot of work from both sides (lots of cuddles too!).

    I came from a family where the parents didn't get along - I agree that isn't best place for baby :( so you just have to talk A LOT about whether or not you do want to get along. Because with baby about there will be plenty of new things to argue about!

    Sorry - This post sounds really patronising. I don't mean it to be! I just know the only way I got over a rough patch was with constant communication and flexibility.
     
  5. Amylize

    Amylize Well-Known Member

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    Yeah I know what your all saying ladies, and I know you arn't at all being judgmental or patronising. We try talking but he never wants to talk about it, it's when another arguement it all blows up.

    We are fine some days then it just tips 190 degrees.

    It's difficult to know what to do for the best. Last thing i ever wanted was to bring up a child on my own because i know how hard it was for my Dad and how horrible it was to be past from one parent to another

    x
     
  6. chantilly

    chantilly Well-Known Member

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    Hey sweetie it sounds from what you ahve said you keep going over and over and round and round in circles . Your right that it wont change when the babys hear infact it will be a damn site harder with sleepness nights and crying baby ... It for sure sounds like you a need a third person to help you both work through whats going on ..Have you established why you felt the need to have an affair in the first place. Its something that is really hard to get to the bottom of so i think the girls maybe right in saying what about a councilor

    I would guess in his mind he is wondering if the baby really is his and that maybe something you wont be able to prove to him untill babys here .

    Its so hard when things arent going well especially when your pregnant , im going through something with my man at the moment and i dont know if we are together or not so i do feel for you hunny

    Hugs hun hope you find a way through this ..maybe a few days at your dads will help you both clear the air and then meet on nutral grounds to talk rather than in the home you share together
     
  7. Amylize

    Amylize Well-Known Member

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    I have asked him if he thinks the baby is his or not, and he says he knows the baby is he. I too also know for certain that the baby his is because i cheated way before i fell pregnant.

    I dont know the reason why i did it tbh, it's not the first time i've done either, and its not the first time ive cheated on a partner. i did it to my husband ( technically still married) cant afford a divorce yet.

    I think deep down that i do it because i feel im not letting myself get too close to the person im with. I think i do it because i dont trust men, i have never fully trusted a man dont know if i actually ever will but i know the reason i dont trust men (personal reasons)

    I dont think i could sit down with someone face to face and go into depth about how i feel, and why i do things, i just cant face opening up to a complete stranger.....

    .... maybe i am just selfish
     
  8. chantilly

    chantilly Well-Known Member

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    Your not selfish hun and it sounds to me as you cheat as a way of picking yourself up when your feeling bad it can almost become a form of self harm.

    Your to scared to trust fully and the way you keep on top of that is by cheating that way you have a part of yourself kept back for you .

    I know its hard talking to strangers hun but sometimes it is the only way to get help . im always around if you need to talk just give me a shout
     
  9. Amylize

    Amylize Well-Known Member

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    I dont want to do it, and i have promised him that i will never do it to him again because i know how much this has torn him apart. He is a good lad and now i feel i cant claw anything back.

    Maybe your right maybe it is to lift myself up, and hold myself back from fully trusting anyone. I have ever meant to hurt anyone espically the two people that i know loved me so so kmuch and i should have thought about them before i did what i did, i just feel he is better off letting me go, so we can just be separated and look after the baby in a happier situation.
     
  10. chantilly

    chantilly Well-Known Member

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    awwww hun maybe you just both need a bit of time apart or something ,give you both space to work things out on your head
     
  11. Jayjay027

    Jayjay027 Well-Known Member

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    You say u have issues trusting men, and think of how hard it is for u to live with those trust issues.
    All you've done by cheating, is pass those same insecurities on to ur partner(s).

    If talking it out between the 2 of u is getting u nowhere, a counselor is the only other option, because they could get to the bottom of why u did what u did, and what path he can take to get over it.

    Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk
     

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