Should my daughter visit her mother in jail? Am I handling the situation right?

[1924]

My wife, who is also mother of my fourteen year old is going to jail for six months for a financial crime. I am willing to stick by her and not leave her because I feel She made some stupid mistakes but it was out of character so I think she just got herself into a bad situation and make some poor decisions, She also never did anything bad at all before this And I am not defending her or saying she should not serve her punishment. Also, her mother is showing regret and no defense at what she did . I am thinking of letting my daughter visit her and have her still be involved with her child because she was never an absent or abusive parent or anything. Some might say sticking by her is being enabling but I just cannot agree

Here is how I am dealing with the situation. I told my daughter right away that her mom got in trouble with the law and now is going to jail for six months. She made some bad decisions and is serving her punishment now.

Her mother is also being honest with her and explaining exactly what will happen. Main intent is not to treat my daughter like a baby in this situation, also make it clear that we will continue living life normally while she is away. I heard this comment "when a family member goes to jail it feels like the whole family is in jail". I am not following that at all


I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because I don't think my daughter to be exposed to a prison environment. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image

My daughter seems to be taking it fine , she said it is kind of cool that her mother is locked up and is now the one being ordered around by others. This is weird because she never had a bad relationship with her mother. I asked what she meant and she said she was just joking. I think that is OK to try to crack a joke to make the situation feel less bad and that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it.



some say you should not tell her and make up some story to explain her absence. Others say it is best to tell her and involve her from the beginning. Which is right?


also I am wondering if visits would be appropriate when she goes. I was thinking of allowing my daughter to visit her. But I am not sure if I should because my daughter beeing in a prison could be scary or traumatizing. It is nothing to do with the mother is solely the environment. Also I hear it is a hassle to get in and you don't even get much time to speak. Seeing her mom there might be a bad image. Also seeing other inmates behind glass and even police officers could be intimidating to a 14 year old.

what other things should be done to prepare. Obviously everyone needs to prepare , my wife must prepare to actually be going there while me and my daughter must prepare how we are going to live and how things are done during her absence. What is a good way to do this? Luckily there is still time to prepare. She hasn't gone yet. My wife has been saying bring her if she wants to but don't if she doesn't


I have heard though that seeing someone you know in jail makes you more likely to commit a crime. Is this true?

 

[Pin badge]

I feel for you as you seem to be doing everything possible to protect your daughter in this situation. Have you asked her what she wants to do? I know at 14 I was very head strong and would like to have been involved in this sort of decision.

I have no experience of loved ones being in prison but studied in a criminal justice background, prisons can be scary but so is the big wide world. I think you are right to be honest with your daughter from the word go and should continue to be.

Best wishes.x

 

[Kiagirl]

I don't think they are scary places. We used to go all the time as kids as my dad worked there. We used to have xmas parties and everything there.

I think yr daughter is old enough to make up her own mind now and you should ask what she wants to do x

 

[xlindseywells]

I've never been in a prison or visited a family member in prison, so I can't give my opinion based on experience. But I think 14 is a reasonable age for your daughter to have an input on the decision. I would say if she wants to go, let her go along with you. If she doesn't feel comfortable in the environment she won't go the next time.

To prepare for your wife's absence, maybe just sit down and talk with your wife to see it there's anything she needs done while she's away. It'll be a hard time for both of you considering she'll be inside for 6 months.

 

[kat1988]

Ive just seen this thread and just wanted to say that my stepdad used to work in a womans prison and hes seen some pretty traumatic things, and they happened on a daily basis. Im not suggesting your wife would be violent, aggressive or abusive but can you 100% guarentee your daughter wouldnt be faced with someone who is while there?
For me and after some of the thibgs ive been told I wouldnt stop contact by phone or post but I wouldnt let my daughter anywhere near a prison, or more specifically the inmates!

 

[Jayjay027]

Its a little bit different when the inmate is the girls mother. If it was my mum when I was 14 theres no way I'd want to go 6 months without seeing her and I wouldnt appreciate my dad or anyone else making that decision for me.

I agree with the others, ask your daughter what she wants. 14 is old enough to be able to decide for herself. Good luck

 

[tan1983]

My brother went to prison for a few years when I was the same age as your daughter.
I visited him on every possible occasion.
Be prepared for lots of waiting,usually in cold uncomfortable areas. Walking past drugs dogs etc. She'll need ID
She will have to be willing to remove her shoes,coat, hoody,anything in pockets etc. and submit to a pat down search By a female officer in front of anyone in the queue. Also allow officer to look in her mouth with a light.
She won't be able to change her mind about visits on short notice, as she will have to be listed on paperwork.

 

[Robyner]

The only way to feel at peace about it is visit her yourself a few times and see how you feel about it.

 

[yesol]

Yes, she should.