She hates me

[Juice]

Beth wanted to paint. I desperately couldn't be bothered, but I set it up anyway and she painted. Then she got angry and threw a paint brush at me.
Bath time. Beth doesn't like baths much, but I reminded her she can pour with her cups and she agreed to have a bath. We played with cups and had fun. Then she screamed like she was being murdered because I had to wash her hair.
She got out and we had a cuddle and I said sorry for having to force her to have her hair washed. Aww, she loves me again. She reminded me I'd promised her a cup of tea, so off we went downstairs.
Oh look, daddy's home.
Beth snuggled up on the sofa with a blanket watching the bedtime hour. I gave her her cup of tea. She screamed at me and threw the tea. Thank god for sealed cups. Fuck sake.
Five minutes later I'm realising she's going to bed soon and I'll miss her. I asked Beth if she wanted a cuddle. She said no. No cuddle. Want to cuddle daddy. Daddy. Fucking daddy.

Why do I bother.

 

[TS1982]

Ah hunni xxx she doesn't hate you, they all fo through stages like that xx you have been and are going through so much at the minute xx sending you love and hugs xx

 

[Juice]

I try so bloody hard with her but she pushes me to my absolute limit. Admittedly things have been hard recently and I've had less patience than usual, so I guess I don't blame her for not liking me much right now. But it hurts when I love her so much and she pushes me away.
I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself with everything else that's happening :/

 

[Becky1]

Josh is like this, I hope it's a phase. Is Daddy is the novelty act who does the fun stuff? Rarely says no etc? I know I'm the one dealing with the day to day shit etc. He once took care of both kids for the day and said it was easy... he spent £50, took them for lunch where the eldest asked to go, bought him everything he asked for etc... I'd find it easy if I never said no!

Hope you are ok hun, your bound to feel lacking in patience. She loves you more than anything remember that. xxx

 

[mummywanabe]

I think it's just her age, my son is the same, there are days he will just turn round and say I don't love you,
He went ballistic tonight getting his hair washed too, stood outside the door when he came home earlier didn't want to come home to our house, didn't like the dinner I made him said it was disgusting.
They just know exactly how to push our buttons, trust me she loves you, she's just 3, I've been so frustrated lately and I think being pregnant again too isn't helping, his dad can do so much more that I can't at the minute, he's the fun one and I'm boring mummy who tells him off

 

[JamsMom]

She doesn't hate you, probably just because daddy has been out all day and is a bit of a novelty when he gets in. It does sound like she's in charge though, perhaps try a reinforcement system for behaving and a consequence for bad behavior i.e throwing things at you. Happy to give some more advice if you like but don't want to step on toes and just assume you want it

 

[Juice]

I know she's three and it's a phase, sometimes you just need a rant and when I wrote this it was a bad day in general.

Thank you for your replies, it's nice to know that someone's listening on those days when a rant is needed

I do time out with her and she knows what's right and wrong, that's why it's so bloody infuriating! If she knows, why doesn't she just do it. She throws something then looks at me waiting for me to tell her off or put her in time out. I tried ignoring her because it seems she's doing it for attention, but I felt like she was getting away with it and we were going backwards. Aaaargh!! Why can't they just come with instructions?!

 

[mummywanabe]

Lol that would be too easy, they're just testing the boundaries, my son had me in tears twice today I feel drained now and can't wait to go to bed lol

 

[BunnyN]

DD is a total daddies girl! DS is mummies boy though. Interestingly when DS paints it ALWAYS ends in screaming and getting mad at me. I think he finds it really fun and stimulating and ends up over stimulated and over tired. Now that DD is getting older she has improved but still ends in tears sometimes.

 

[JamsMom]

If you put behavior on extinction (ignore) it will often increase before it goes back down in a testing phase. It's called an extinction blast, you just need to see it through. If she has something fun/reinforcing when behaving that way take it away, no eye contact, nothing. If she knows right from wrong which it sounds like she does there's no need to explain what she's done wrong, that's attention regardless of negative or positive, lots of children thrive on it. You also need to increase praise/attention for appropriate behavior with is where token economy comes into place. If you give an instruction you need to follow through with it and ignore any whinging moaning. If you say it's bath time, she shouts you repeat it's bath time and take her to the bath, she moans more, has a tantrum you carry on as if she's not having a tantrum at all. If behavior serves no function it is pointless, and they'll give up. If you say it's bath time, she goes nicely, praise straight away and give a token/have a pot you fill with marbles or something when it's full she gets a reward. Or use an app called class dojo, I use that it's really good. I call them 'happy monster points'.

I hope this helps and isn't condescending, it's my job (I'm a behaviour analyst) something I've spent years studying and putting in place with many children, including my son. I generally work with children with autism but the same theory applies across the board!!

Oh, and don't let it get to you, everyone goes through it and it's nothing you're doing wrong!!

 

[Juice]

That's all really helpful, thank you. The thing I struggle the most with is the violent tantrums. In the bath time example, if she doesn't want to go, she throws herself on the floor and flails. She rolls around kicking and throwing anything she can reach, she bites herself, pulls her hair and slaps herself in the face. I never know what to do for the best when she's that out of control. I don't want to leave her but my presence doesn't help. If I leave her, that doesn't help either and I feel like I've abandoned her when she needs me to support her?

I hadn't thought about the fact that doing the ignoring thing would make things worse before they're better. Seems obvious now you've pointed it out lol

 

[JamsMom]

It's really hard but I'd say with the violent tantrums the same response, if you've asked her to do something you physically take her to it and act like she's not tantrumming. I worked with a child who never wanted to transition from the playground to the classroom and would sink his teeth into my arm then scream and try and flop onto the floor so he could stay there (avoidance, not attention). My behaviour plan was to block the bite or not react if he did and just move my arm away, take his hand and guide him to the classroom ignoring all unacceptable behaviour, repeating "time to go to class" in a calm voice.it got worse for a few days as expected because he was like oh wait, this worked before I'll try harder this time, then got much better until he independently walked in within 2 weeks. I also set up the expectation "After play we're going to walk back inside nicely for tokens to get X". Always use positive language rather than "we're not going to scream and hit".

Start with something very highly reinforcing, not tokens but an instant 'prize' for bath maybe let her choose an awesome bath toy she only ever gets if she goes nicely, at that severity I'd also be inclined to use something instant and quick every 10-20 seconds, food is easy it doesn't need to be loads, I've been known to split a Pom bear into 6 pieces as reinforcers!!!

So We're going to go for bath time in 10 minutes. For good listening and walking to the bath you can have X and if you get in the bath nicely you can have X.

Then it's her choice, she goes nicely gets nice things, gets in nicely gets nice things. She tantrums the tantrum gets ignored she gets nothing nice and gets taken and put in the bath still. It'll be hard for you as you're her mom and will naturally never want to hear your child cry.

Is ask possibly worth trying to work out the reasons she hates them so much, hair washing? Scared of soap in eyes. If so try and look into ways to help this. Explain you know why she's worried and will do X differently to prevent it happening and make it more comfortable.

 

[Juice]

Thank you, I will try this

The hair thing is weird. She doesn't like water on her face, but she also goes made when I put shampoo on her head. I think it might just be because she knows that means that the next step is rinsing. She doesn't really like her hair/head being touched in general so I try to respect that by only brushing it when I have to and leaving it alone otherwise. I've tried approaching the hair washing in a few different ways. I've tried giving lots of warning, explaining what's going to happen, showing her how to stop water going in her face, giving her a towel to wipe her face... in the end it seems the best way is to tell her I'm doing it and just do it as quickly as I can and have it rinsed before she has time to scream. That leaves her upset and she always wants to get out straight away but it seems the least cruel.

 

[JamsMom]

You can get bath caps for kids they are like a big foam peak, stops it going all over their face xx

 

[YorksLass]

My mum used those cap things for hair washing - called it a 'peepo' and used to play peekaboo with it haha
Hope things get better for you Juice!

 

[BunnyN]

My husband got DD to accept having her hair washed using a packet of chocolate chips. I was a bit annoyed at the time because she didn'toften get chocolate but I admit it worked really well. He did like Jamsmum said and gave one every few seconds. After a few times she was much better even without the chocolate.

 

[JamsMom]

My husband got DD to accept having her hair washed using a packet of chocolate chips. I was a bit annoyed at the time because she didn'toften get chocolate but I admit it worked really well. He did like Jamsmum said and gave one every few seconds. After a few times she was much better even without the chocolate.

Yeah perfect method, you should be able to fade out really quickly until you're just using a token system for delayed reinforcement

 

[BunnyN]

She is fine about having her hair washed now. Well she does cry or complain about it quite often but that is on a totally different scale from the complete meltdown she used to have. She also is able to work with me to hold a cloth over her face and tip her head back etc.

 

[entre]

I thought I couldnt cope, I realised the problem was me and not her.
All kids are pretty much pains in the a** and we all try our damn hardest to please them/feed them/treat them etc.
We are all ''Bad Moms''( like the film) and we do what we can. Don't take it to heart. Be there for her and keep going. It gets better... occasionally

 

[Sprout]

I don't agree that ignoring tantrums is a good idea. Tantrums are your child experiencing big emotions that they don't know how to deal with, and need your help with understanding and getting through. It's much more helpful to talk them through what they're feeling, explain it's OK to feel that way but not ok to throw/hit and explain how you can help them eg. "I can give you a cuddle to help you calm down" or "I'm here if you need me"