"Separated with a view to get back together" not sure if it's gonna work.

[Smallbluething]

Myself and my partner of over two years have had problems for a while. It's hard to say for exactly how long, and it's stemmed from many factors. Just before new year, we broke up, but then he had a change of heart and we got back together just after. A day later, I found out I was pregnant.

From there, things got from bad, to worse.

So many things happened in that short time to create friction and bad feeling.

A few weeks ago it got to the point where we had a friend intervene, thought we had it sorted and then the next day it all escalated again, screaming matches, plate thrown at the wall, his screaming that I wanted to break up with him, and then me giving in cos I was scared.

After some time apart (and more turbulence in my life) we decided to separate, but look at things and see if we could work it out.

I'm now 13&half weeks. He came to the scan at 12weeks, and has supported me through some work issues (we work in the same place, I do days, he does nights) but more as a friend.

I'm having to look more and more at being a single parent. I currently live with my mum, but that is on tender strings right now and although she wants me to live here, I don't think I could have the freedom of being a mother and living with her, I think she would tell me what to do all the time. I would be unhappy. I'm looking at moving out with my friend.

It's all very overwhelming and I don't think I'd have gotten through any of this without my friends.

 

[ClimbingRose]

Hi SmallBlueNothing, I'm not a single parent and think it would be nice for some to comment and give you some support or words of advice coming from experience, but I cant stand to see a post un-replied, so im just here to say *hugs*... breaking up is hard, even when you're not mixing a baby in with it.
I cant read your whole relationship from your post, but I guess if you were having problems long before you got pregnant, then it probably wont get better if you get back together and also have a baby.
I had quite a turbulent relationship with my OH, with several break ups over the years, this due mostly to stubborness and hot headedness,(so I know relationships arent like in the movies!) but by the time we started to think about kids we had resolved so many of our issues, or learnt how to deal with them better, and we've been getting on really well for ages, even so, I think most of the time, no matter how well you get on with your partner, you never know what the future holds when you throw a child in the mix.
I think the most important thing for you to do, is make YOU happy. If the relationship is causing more grief than good then continue with your seperation for now, it'll give you the space to prioritise what you want from life.
I agree, I dont think I could live with my mum and have a baby, I think if you have friends who are happy to share with you and a new born then thats great. You just need to put yourself in a place of control right now, so you can decide what happens with your life. It sounds like generally you get pushed into things by others.
You and your partner might work it out down the road, or work out a good way to co-parent your child right from the off if you're still seperated.
So I think what you have in mind RE moving in with a friend, and staying in control of where your relationship is going is a great idea. xxx

 

[Smallbluething]

Thank you, you have said something very similar to what a lot of my friends have said.

I'm currently just trying to get through each day. Things are bothering me about the separated-OH, which aren't actually his fault, like hes lost a lot of weight and looks really good, and I feel like I look like a haggard, spotty mess, and that he always seems to have plans with friends, which I never seem to anymore, as I'm always tired, cant have people round my house (my mum has... issues, OCD, other undiagnosed mental health stuff) and I also spent a lot of my time with mutual friends of his, who live in the next town over, which when I was with him wasn't a problem as I would just slept at his or invite them round to his if I was too tired to go out, but now I don't have that option. So you see, not his fault, per say, but things about the situation which I have found most difficult.

As with my mum, as I said before, it isn't even just about living with my mum, I would have to deal with her ODC and I could do that if its just me, but I don't think I could cope with a baby as well. I'm waiting on finding out if a house is going forward, if it is, I'll be moving into that with my friend, if not, I will have to say to my mum that we are going to rent somewhere else.

I would just like my life to stop being so complicated and throwing angry balls of crap in my direction.

 

[ClimbingRose]

awww I feel for you, its horrible when you lose a group of friends due ot a break up.
Life is always complicated, but it would be lush if it could just be simple for 2 seconds! I gave up my job just before finding out I was pregnant, I was intending on getting a new job. now it seems all complicated and im scared of job searching.
I share a house with my brother which isnt ideal, and I want to change that before baby arrives, but my OH is a student and im just not sure if/when and what type of job he'll get when he graduates in may. everything is up in the air!
Try not to stress too much, it sounds like you can sort this out in time, and shit stuff does happen but this is just a small portion of your life, so just think how much it could all change in the next year! Im always too impatient wanting to know what the future holds, wanting to control every aspect, but im just trying to tell myself right now its ok to be in limbo, things will work themselves out one way or another. xxxx

 

[Smallbluething]

Oh no! That sucks!

I had a "disciplinary" at work. I'm not 100% sure I deserved it, but I don't need the hassle of trying to get rid. The outcome was a demotion (which I also volunteered for) and a final written warning (I didn't have any written warnings prior) and a "review in 6 months"... I'm 3 months pregnant, doy!

I would have taken it all further if I didn't have all the other crap, but if they had sacked me over it (which they were possibly going to do) then I might have taken it further... That really would have been the icing on the cake, I've worked there 8 years...

I'm looking at things with a bit more clarity now, but the fuzzy keeps reappearing a blurring those lines. I just need to stay focused.

I used to be so good at just going with things.. I think we both just need to chill.

I hope things work out for you chick, sounds like you need some good vibes!

 

[Jo91]

I feel for you. I have an on and off relationship with my OH. We don't live together, but he has 2 personalities, one really loving one and one lying one. I've forgiven him so many times but this time I don't think I will be getting back because I'm too heart broken from him. When I had my c-section he was brilliant, and he came to most of my scans. I live on my own with my daughter, I want to live with my Mum but tbh I don't think I could live with her because I would want freedom of being a Mum too. You can in box me if you want to chat

 

[Smallbluething]

Edit : This was all spoken too soon.

 

[Smallbluething]

Thank you to everyone for being so supportive! It has been really appreciated.

 

[Smallbluething]

I feel for you. I have an on and off relationship with my OH. We don't live together, but he has 2 personalities, one really loving one and one lying one. I've forgiven him so many times but this time I don't think I will be getting back because I'm too heart broken from him. When I had my c-section he was brilliant, and he came to most of my scans. I live on my own with my daughter, I want to live with my Mum but tbh I don't think I could live with her because I would want freedom of being a Mum too. You can in box me if you want to chat

I'm sorry, I missed this message! That really sucks, I could never be with a liar, one thing my OH has never done (as I said in the beginning it is something I couldn't tolerate) is lie. I can cope with 99% of stuff as long as there is truth. I think moving on is for the best for you, I know it's hard, and if it weren't for us finding our solution, I would have done the same. Being a single parent scared me but at the same time I know so many other strong single parents who have been happy all the best chick!