Really, really struggling.....

[Louise2013]

Hi,

I've become a bit of a lurker here these days (used to be on here a lot back in the day) but have had a bit of a meltdown today and just need to find out if I'm totally alone on this....

I have a 1-year old and a just-2 year old. I am still on mat leave but have not been planning on returning to work as costs of childcare just don't make it logical really. But anyway, all that aside, does anyone else just find this all, well, so so so bloody hard? I am so eternally grateful for being a Mummy; I know many people who have not been as fortunate as we have, but I don't think I was ever really prepared to find it so difficult. I - foolishly - thought I'd take to it like a duck to water, but I just see myself and how I manage on a daily basis and I'm not sure being a stay at home parent is actually the best thing for either me or my children? I feel like they deserve a better parent than I am capable of being 24/7. I had PND after both births, and I know this is also definitely a factor here but even that aside, I find being a Mum so hard. I feel guilty all the time about everything, and I never seem to get it 'right.' I'm just really doubting that my decision to not return to work is the right one - I feel like I am a better parent and they get a better Mummy when I'm not 'just' 'Mummy.' I can't seem to do right for doing wrong most of the time....

Does that make sense? Or am I being a total selfish cow? Sorry - just having a bit of a difficult day for one reason or another and it's all gotten to me.

Lou xxx

 

[El1en]

Aw I can totally sympathise with you, being a mum is tough and when it's all day every day you don't get any break which doesn't help.

My oh is an old fashioned guy who doesn't really do much is the house *although he is getting better* and he's asked me a few times what on earth I'm doing all day as when I worked full time he didn't have to lift a finger the house, my response is surely he can see how busy I am now then as if I had the time stuff would be done

I'm sure you are doing a great job, I decided not to go back to work although we live on a farm so I get one or two days a week escape to help with she but I do miss going to work. I miss the freedom and space and even my busy workload at times just because It was something different

You're not being selfish at all, have you considered part time work at all or do the costs still outweigh the benefits?

 

[Kay Kay]

I totally feel you. I only have one child, he is 3 and it is bloody hard going. I work part time 2 and a half days and if I didn't I would go mad. I have to plan things for us both to do on the days he's with me otherwise we in in for a hellish day. We go on a lot of play dates, parks (weather permitting), just anything to get out the house. It saves my sanity.

Do you have any help or anyone that can give you a break? I go to yoga once a week and my husband knows no matter what that's my time so he is always home in time to let me go. Could you maybe carve out some time for yourself in the week, be it class or the cinema or a catch up with friends? Makes all the difference to your state of mind just getting that time for you.

You are doing the hardest yet most underrated job in the world so feel proud of yourself but don't be afraid to ask for breaks. Sending hugs xxx

 

[Rooster30]

I am a SAHM with my 3.7 year old and 14 month old and I find it so so so so so ruddy hard. My 3 year old is especially testing. It is so tiring and so difficult so you are not alone. I feel like I'm not being a very good mummy because I'm starting to snap more easily - usually by late afternoon when we're all feeling tired and grumpy. I struggle with guilt daily because of it. I feel I'm completely winging it and getting it all wrong.

You aren't alone and it is difficult.

 

[kumber]

I'm totally there with you. I have a 2yr old and 1yr old, I'm a SAHM and it's exhausting. I can't remember the last full night's sleep I had. It's totally normal to have the doubt and the guilt, the fact that you're so worried about it shows what a caring, loving mummy you are. Keep your chin up and set a time aside where you can wind down and just be you instead of mummy, it will really help. Inbox is open if you ever need to talk

 

[Belfa]

I think your thoughts are the tough part of being a mum! You're definitely not alone .

If we were to have another baby it probably wouldn't make much financial sense for me to go back to work due to childcare costs either but both DH and I have agreed that, even if I didn't go back, we would keep DS in nursery and consider putting another child in nursery too.

DS LOVES going to nursery. He gets to run riot and see his friends and his key workers do so much with them that I don't have the energy / inspiration to do day to day (like messy play, art work etc).

I wouldn't feel guilty about putting your LO in childcare, even for a few half days a week. You need some downtime and so do they! xx

ETA my DS is in nursery 3 afternoons a week (encase anyone reads this and thinks he's there all week whilst I just sit at home haha!) and I work 4 days a week but flexitime so a mix of office / home working.

 

[IheartDex]

I'm really struggling too. I find myself wondering how all my friends have done this so well and so easily. I *think* my second born is particularly hard work - I think she's what you'd call high needs and doesn't ever want to be put down and cries most of the time.

I'm finding her cries have the opposite effect to what they should. Instead of making me feel protective and loving, I feel stressed and annoyed: I've walked out of the house a good few times now.

My husband works long hours and we have an almost 3 year old too. I just feel like I'm failing everyone. Breastfeeding isn't going great because she's not putting loads of weight on and she won't readily take a bottle. I'm upset that I've done the so called hard days of breastfeeding, and now it should be getting easier and if anything, it's harder.

I'm really, really fed up. In a way, I'm glad to read that other people feel like this too but in other ways, I'm sorry you do because it's crap feeling like this.

Try not to beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing a great job. I work part time (although I'm on Mat leave now) and honestly, I wish I could go back to work and have someone else look after her. Part time is a good option if it's financially viable; the best of both worlds. Can you do some sums and see? I'm a teacher and bring a lot of work home but I always said I'd love to have an evening job for a couple of days a week, in a supermarket or something. So I'm with the kids during the day then hubby takes over when he gets home and I skip off to work

Anyway, you need to do what's best for you too. It's not all about what's right.

Good luck xxxxx

 

[CharlotteH24]

I'm really struggling too. I find myself wondering how all my friends have done this so well and so easily. I *think* my second born is particularly hard work - I think she's what you'd call high needs and doesn't ever want to be put down and cries most of the time.

I'm finding her cries have the opposite effect to what they should. Instead of making me feel protective and loving, I feel stressed and annoyed: I've walked out of the house a good few times now.

My husband works long hours and we have an almost 3 year old too. I just feel like I'm failing everyone. Breastfeeding isn't going great because she's not putting loads of weight on and she won't readily take a bottle. I'm upset that I've done the so called hard days of breastfeeding, and now it should be getting easier and if anything, it's harder.

I'm really, really fed up. In a way, I'm glad to read that other people feel like this too but in other ways, I'm sorry you do because it's crap feeling like this.

Try not to beat yourself up. I'm sure you're doing a great job. I work part time (although I'm on Mat leave now) and honestly, I wish I could go back to work and have someone else look after her. Part time is a good option if it's financially viable; the best of both worlds. Can you do some sums and see? I'm a teacher and bring a lot of work home but I always said I'd love to have an evening job for a couple of days a week, in a supermarket or something. So I'm with the kids during the day then hubby takes over when he gets home and I skip off to work

Anyway, you need to do what's best for you too. It's not all about what's right.

Good luck xxxxx

I feel exactly the same when my 10 month old starts crying, the noise goes straight through me and half the time I just wish that someone would come over and take her away from me. Lately she's been a nightmare to get to bed for me, I'm talking hours of hysterical crying until I go in and she starts laughing until I walk out and she screams at me again. With her dad she goes in her cot, babbles "dada" over and over for 5 minutes and then just passes out without any fuss. He puts her to bed when he isn't at work or he gets home early enough, he works until midnight 3-4 nights a week so a lot of the time it's me who puts her to bed and I'm honestly at the point where I look forward to when she's asleep so I don't have to "deal" with her tantrums but also dread bed time because she's made it such a battle.
I'm going back into education 3 days a week in September which I can't wait for. 3 whole days every week where I can act and talk like a normal 21 year old adult! I don't even think I'm really cut out for motherhood, I mean I love my daughter but I don't have that same maternal instinct that a lot of women seem to brag about. She wakes me in the morning and I feel frustrated about being woken up, she wakes up from her nap and all I think is I wish she'd sleep all day like she used to. She's just hard work, she is good but she goes from happy and great fun to hysterically crying and "oh my god it's the end of the world" in a millisecond. I actually have a video where she's hysterically laughing and then suddenly starts sobbing and face planting the floor all in a matter of seconds!

 

[kumber]

Charlotte, we're all feeling the same with the August babies. They're such little monkeys at this age but I don't know a single mother than doesn't look forward to naptime and bedtime! Inbox is always open if you wanna talk hun, or add me on Facebook. We're just coming out of a solid 10 months of waking and feeding every 2 hours!

 

[T84]

My friend said something to me one day that always sticks in my head. It was a particularly hard day with a 2 year old and a newborn and I said to her 'I'm just not coping' her reply was 'you ARE coping, it's just sometimes it's hard' I remind myself of this whenever I have one of those wanting to run for the hills moments. At least 3 times a day!!!

Tbh I take my hat off to SAHM. I genuinely couldn't do it. I like the freedom of being at work and having some 'me' time! Don't get me wrong it's bloody hard going juggling it all but for my own sanity I need it! Do you have any activities or chance to have time yourself? I think it's sooo important to be able to recharge your batteries.

Just keep bearing in mind your not alone and everyone is in the same boat x

 

[Louise2013]

Thanks so much everyone for taking the time to reply; I massively appreciate it - and, as hateful as it is that we all find it tough - I am comforted that I'm not alone!

Has anybody else found their relationships with their husbands/partners have been affected too? I don't know what's going on anymore, but my husband and I seem to be on such different wavelengths at the moment. It's silly, stupid things, but we suddenly seem to disagree on everything....arrgghh!!

xxx

PS. Charlotte - we were in the Tris together last year; So nice to hear from you! Lots of love xx

 

[IheartDex]

Hi again

Glad you're comforted by all our misery

My relationship with my husband took a huge knock when we had our first - my little boy. Honestly, I'd go as far as to say I really hated him for a good while. A long time actually. We got back on track then I got pregnant again. To be fair, I did talk to him about it because I wanted him to know that any hatred would probably be temporary (!!) and that it would all be fine again soon. He didn't remember it being as bad as I did though, which I'm pleased about. I do think he blocked it though, because it really was a rough period.

This time it took longer for the rot to set in. I'm not as annoyed and fed up with him as I was first time. But we have our moments when he really really gets to me. Don't get me wrong, he's a really good dad and does a lot for us but I don't think anything is enough!!

I personally think that if your relationship isn't rocked even a tiny bit by such a major, life changing event, it's a little bit strange

I'm sure everything will sort itself out soon :* xxx

 

[kumber]

I regularly want to punch my hubby in the face. He does things in a certain way and I'm looking at him thinking "Do you have any sense?!". We've had a really tough 2 years - he had some serious depression when our eldest was born and he was vile to me. We have completely broken apart and our relationship is nothing like it was before children, but we're finally getting there and things are getting better. I don't want to punch quite as much any more

 

[Louise2013]

Thanks everyone

Kumber, I'm sure it wasn't meant to make me giggle, but I did have a little LOL at the opening line there


Glad to hear things are getting there though. Really hoping we can do the same as at the mo, well, poles apart! xxx