Pregnant - HELP need people's opinions!

[courtney_r]

Hello Everyone,


I am 10 weeks pregnant and I am a very organised person so I have started making decisions on my birthing plan and I was speaking to my partner about it this evening and he is against my decision on my birthing partners, I would like nothing more than to have my parents and my partner there to support me as this is our first baby and I need all the support I can get! but my partner doesn't want my parents there as he doesn't think it is fair on his parents that my parents get to see the baby first and as I wont be allowed any visitors atall as I have chosen a pacific birthing unit which I will only be in for 3-6 hours after birth so his parents wont see the baby until we get home and he doesnt think its fair.. but its different as Im the daughter of my parents and giving birth, not him giving birth so its different for my parents to be there!

I would just feel more comfortable if my parents and Ive told him this but he doesn't seem to take that in and I just dont think hes going to listen

I would really like to hear other people's opinions as its still important for my partner to feel comfortable as its our first baby but I still feel like I would need my parents there aswell.. but I cant seem to keep myself and him happy at the same time!

Thankyou everyone!

 

[Rhelen91]

I think you need to just calmly explain that having your parents there with you will make you feel happier and calmer during the birth of the baby, which ultimately means baby is kept calmer and happier. If you're stressed and unhappy baby is stressed and unhappy. Just say that you understand why he may feel put out that your parents will see the baby before his parents will, but that it isnt a time to be selfish and you and your baby need to be put first. He might not like it, but will have 7 months to come to terms with it lol.

Personally that wasnt an issue for us cause I couldn't think of anything worse than having a crowded room when pushing a baby out. It ended up being myself, my OH, a midwife, a senior midwife and a surgeon, and that was too many people for my liking :')

 

[Blueclass]

Personally I'm hoping not to have my parents. I think it should be between me and my husband plus I don't want them seeing all my bits, it's gross. Also I think it's good your organised but it's still really early don't stress about all this yet. Your mw won't talk about till till at least 28 weeks. Depending on how your birth goes you could be in longer esp if you intend to bf they won't let you go till they know baby is feeding well ect.
I do see why you want your parents there, maybe not your dad but that's your business. I think most women have their mum it's not usual to have your partners parents there also most places limit to how many you are allowed in. Hope it all works out for you x

 

[courtney_r]

Thankyou so much for your advice! I've just read that to my partner to explain to him yes its his baby but when I will be in labour I will be very uncomfortable and be in a lot of pain so I need people there thats going to make me feel as less stress as possible, I dont think he will come to terms of it just yet but of course I understand why he feels it is unfair but its about me and the baby too! x

 

[scn]

I'm kinda with your husband on this one to be honest. It's his baby too and maybe he'll feel a bit pushed out if your parents are there but doesn't want to tell you that? Maybe he wants the intimacy of the birth just between the two of you?
Hope you can come to an agreement that suits you both xx

 

[courtney_r]

in reply to blue class:

Thankyou for your advice aswell hun! I do want both of my parents there, they are just going to stay above me no where near my bits i wouldnt like that either haha! but I just need them there for support aswell as my partner, I am considering my partners feelings too but I just feel like I need to feel comfortable aswell! x

 

[courtney_r]

I'm kinda with your husband on this one to be honest. It's his baby too and maybe he'll feel a bit pushed out if your parents are there but doesn't want to tell you that? Maybe he wants the intimacy of the birth just between the two of you?
Hope you can come to an agreement that suits you both xx

in reply to scn:

Thankyou! I do feel that he does want it to be just me and him but I just feel like I need to feel comfortable and supported and I would if I had my partner and parents there.. I get that he might feel a little pushed out but ive re assured him that my parents will stay at the top of me and he would be by my side at all times, hold the baby before them and see the baby before them, I would never let him feel pushed out atall x

 

[Copterpops]

I can think of a million and one places my dad would rather be than in the room with me during child birth. I am a daddy's girl through and through, and he would do anything for me, bit he would refuse that even if I asked.

I could maybe understand having your mum there, as another woman so maybe that could be a compromise?

 

[courtney_r]

I can think of a million and one places my dad would rather be than in the room with me during child birth. I am a daddy's girl through and through, and he would do anything for me, bit he would refuse that even if I asked.

I could maybe understand having your mum there, as another woman so maybe that could be a compromise?

I am close with my parents and it is there first grandchild, I would like my parents to be there and both my mum and dad want to be there if I want them there they have said! I wouldn't just have my mum and not my dad, I want my partner and both my parents there x

 

[Redbootz]

I think you must have the final say, you need what will be best for you and what ever is calming. And if you find yourself more at ease with your parents there also then I say have your parents and your partner. I hope you can come to an agreement. I would have my mum but she lives so far away now. So just me and my husband. I know my parents will see baby before my husbands parents as his maternity leave is split so in the middle my mum will be up and his parents probably won't see baby until over a month old. And his sister again I doubt will see baby untill a few months old. Again they live further away and we are not travelling down with newborn baby. And we can't have them traveling up because the last thing I want is to be hosting guests in the house when we have a new baby. But my husband has never mentioned that it's not fair etc we don't see it as a competition between parents. They just have to accept what we do.

 

[courtney_r]

I think you must have the final say, you need what will be best for you and what ever is calming. And if you find yourself more at ease with your parents there also then I say have your parents and your partner. I hope you can come to an agreement. I would have my mum but she lives so far away now. So just me and my husband. I know my parents will see baby before my husbands parents as his maternity leave is split so in the middle my mum will be up and his parents probably won't see baby until over a month old. And his sister again I doubt will see baby untill a few months old. Again they live further away and we are not travelling down with newborn baby. And we can't have them traveling up because the last thing I want is to be hosting guests in the house when we have a new baby. But my husband has never mentioned that it's not fair etc we don't see it as a competition between parents. They just have to accept what we do.

Thankyou!! exactly it shouldnt be a competition I think he just gets a little annoyed that his family aren't as involved as my parents are but he needs to understand thats because their daughter is giving birth, not him lol. Honestly having your parents with you I think is so much less stressful theyve already been through it and me and my partner havent! x

 

[Mrs.s]

I had my mum there for both births of my daughters and I couldn't have asked for a better birth partner my ex was a total waste of space!
I think if it's what you feel you need then you should try and explain to him that he won't be pushed out at all and they can support him too because it's going to be a shock for him.

I also had my dad in the room at one point because my mum was sent home to rest as I had a prolonged labour I was just sleeping and my dad was watching over me...he left for the actual birth though.

 

[Cheesypie23]

I made it quite clear on my first birth that DH had absolutely no choice as to who my other birthing partners were. They are there to support the birth and the woman pushing a melon through a golf ball sized hole not to 'see baby first'. I understand it's your dh's baby too, but this baby will be coming from your body, 100% of the effort coming from you, they get to share the joy but unfortunately the pain is yours alone and I think that makes it completely up to you exactly what happens in the room and who is there. You have to be absolutely comfortable with who you have there. I did find my extra birthing partners in both my Labours were more there for dh than me. He was absolutely everything my massager my spokesperson my rock, he needed my extra birthing partner to stand in for him if he needed to wee, but also to remind him to eat, drink and get fresh air if he needed it. But ultimately the 2nd partner was like my dh's substitute if he needed to go somewhere so I had to be sure of them.

 

[Birdie]

I don't know if you've considered hypnobirthing at all and I know it may not seem related to this issue on first glance, but I really think it might help both you and your partner evaluate exactly what you want and need from the experience of having your first baby. Just a thought as it was invaluable to my husband & I.

 

[JD.Deedee]

Why can he not sent a picture after the baby is born? What's fair is to give you a bit of peace instead of making the birth of your baby into a family event.

Maybe compromise in just having your mum along with your partner at the birth. All I wanted when I was in labour was my mum, I would've happily traded my OH to my mum in being with me but she had quite a travel to get to me.

Luckily my in laws are not that pushy and feeling like they had to be there the minute my son was born so my mother in law didn't come until they day after when I came home from hospital... I would make it very clear to your other half that you are the one to give birth and have your lady bits on display so it's up to you who is present at the birth, anyone else can wait or will have to do with a picture he can sent on his phone after your child is born!

 

[CDx]

My birth plan was to have my partner and my mum with me but when it came time to push my mum always said she would step outside because she felt it was important it was just us when baby arrived which I thought was lovely and hadn't even considered. Could this be a compromise?

My birth wasn't anything like I had planned though so I would say it's great to be organised but try not have your heart set on too many specifics because these little people like to keep us on our toes sometimes.

Cx

 

[Phoenix85]

He sounds like my ex lol.

I had my mum, aunty and then-partner for the first birth, but he called his parents during my labour and they waited outside the room towards the end (I didn't know this) and literally within a minute of having the baby the 2nd midwife apparently went out and as she passed them she told them they could go in so they walked straight in, I was all flustered and trying to cover myself up. I didn't even know they were at the hospital!
Thankfully it was after visiting time so they only stayed a few minutes maybe (not sure, it's all a blur, wasn't long though) but then they left and so did my mum. It still annoyed me though that no one had asked me before saying they could come in.

Second baby was born just after 10pm and only my ex was with me & it was too late on for them to be turning up to hospital which I was so glad about. I had uninterrupted skin to skin for about an hour and a half and she fed for about an hour as well, it was much more relaxed and nicer not having a room full of people.
No one else "met" her til the next morning.

This time (different dad) I'm planning to home birth and not sure I want anyone with me. I just want to be left alone to get on with it & enjoy my baby lol.
My mum actually asked who I would have as a birth partner and asked if I wanted her... felt a bit bad saying no lol. But I really feel I want a calm quiet birth. I'm doing hypnobirthing classes and I really want to avoid 'coached pushing' and having people there who will want to talk to me or instruct me (I know birth partners mean well but I feel being 'egged on' and encouraged, told to "breathe" etc will annoy me rather than help me lol)

 

[Prettypee]

I had my husband and my cousin... (she is the labour delivery ward manager so insisted so that I got the best treatment!)

Having been through it, I'm really glad the room wasn't overcrowded as I honestly zoned out completely. My OH was sitting quietly in the corner as I was having a back to back labour and no gaps...

My friend had her mum and husband... I think that tends to be second popular choice. I would definitely recommend not overcrowding yourself though x

 

[Cookie24]

In both of my births I only had my partner as I think it's something special between the two of you, I'm quite close to my mum but I think she would just get on my nerves lol and the last time I gave birth the room was crowded as I had about three midwifes in the room as well as partner as they were concerned about baby X

It's up to you who you want in the room and I think that the women should make the final decision as we r the ones going through the pain and pushing out a baby

Maybe after the baby is born to just tell your mum that your partner wants to hold the baby before her at least they know where they stand after baby is born X

 

[Emmam1982]

I've only ever had the baby's dads with me in all my labours and this time will be the same but both my sister had my mum with them all the way through so it's a completely individual choice. I debated having my sister with me this time but only because she has to drive us there anyway but she's agreed to drop us off so it'll just be me n baby's dad xx