PND

[Lulla Bell]

So its becoming very clear to me that I have a form of PND
I'm so lonely... I now live in Cornwall with just a hand full of friends, none of which have children, and they all work full time.
I'm on mat leave and my husband works 12 hiur days
9-9
I'm just constantly on my own with my baby, coupled with him going through the fussy stage where I can't put hkm down I just feel horrible.
I've tried to make new mum friends but honestly... I can't stand anyone I've met, they're all so mumsy. I'm tattooed and pierced, I used to be a body piercer, I love the word ****, I love a Gin and I want nothing more then to sit here and slag off my OH and talk about how much of a turd my son can be..
Yet so far every mym I've spoken to just sings the praises of their OHs and kids and bums Cath kidson or what ever that flowery shite is.. I'm on basoc pay, I have £9 to my name and I was paid 3 days ago..
So going to groups just isn't a option... No one wantd to come on walks with me, and if they did they would probably just sing the alphabet over and over again..
FUCK I'm wo bored of it all, I just sit here cry for huge portions of the day..I just threw my lunch in the bin because my son woke up when I was about to eat, and cried in the kitchen..
It's making me feel like a shitty mum and I even shityue person..
I've actually been looking at buying a house where I used to live and sell our perfect little cottage in Cornwall.
Which is stupid,. because it took us years to actually buy this place .
No idea what I thought I'd gain from this....
I told my HV and she just said, go out and make friends.... Like it's so fucking easy

 

[Rubyredslipper]

Well you sound like just my kinda person !! I'm in Birmingham so not much use to you in terms of closeness but feel free to message me to chat. You are not a shit mom, trust me. You're the best mommy your son could ask for xx

 

[liz85]

I’m sorry to hear your going through this your not alone. I do feel lonely aswell at times and my husband is away working weeks on end so I’m by myself day and night.

Everyone has their good days and bad days. Those who tell you it’s all sunshine and roses are either very very lucky or big liars!! As I described it as the best hard work ever. It isn’t easy it can be lonely but keep telling yourself your doing a great job cause you are.

Can you go to your gp and ask to chat with someone? I’m not sure the health visitor has been very helpful here xx

 

[Lulla Bell]

Thanks ladies, I think I'm going to have to speak to my drs. I just spend most of my days crying
I'm not entirely sure what they can do, but it's worth a shot .
I'm also going to try and find a shift behind a bar one night a week..
I think I just need some adult conversation.
There is only so much word party and little baby bum a woman can take

 

[MoominGirl]

Sorry you're having such a tough time. I think society likes us to believe that we can just pop out babies on demand and all have a picture perfect life. That just isn't the reality - not even close. My little boy will be 7 weeks old tomorrow and those weeks have been hard. I'm not saying they haven't been worth it but they've been really, really hard. Oh and as much as I wouldn't change him for the world there are points in time where I really feel like I'm at breaking point!! The problem is, no one ever admits to these things in real life. Like Liz says, they're either really lucky or lying. I vote for lying!!

I know what you mean about the loneliness. We are at the opposite end of the country from family and my husband also works long hours with a commute so although he's brilliant when he's here, I do spend a lot of time on my own. Don't have lots of friends either. Those I do have live a good bit away or work full time.

This week I'm planning to try out some baby groups now that Xmas is over. I often don't fit in either so we'll see how this goes!! I know what you mean about people being too mumsy. That's just not me either so this really could go either way!! It doesn't mean that I don't want to get out and talk to people so I'm going to give it a shot.

I think the biggest thing I've learned over the past few weeks is that antenatal courses and healthcare professionals are full of shit so we all have completely unrealistic expectations of what life will be like with a newborn. So when it's the complete opposite of what we expected we think we're doing it wrong and that we're bad mums. We're not and you're not. We're doing the best we can with what we have and we're learning the job every day. Took me a while to realise that.

Also think you should speak to someone else about how you're feeling. The health visitor sounds useless. I wish I was surprised.

 

[Donna88]

I'm sorry you feel the baby groups near you aren't full of like minded people. I went to my antenatal classes and I was pleasantly surprised at the mum's there, but that might be the area we're in as well.

If the mum's you've met are all about saying how amazing life is as a mum that won't help you either. Yes being a mum can be amazing but it also comes with its struggles and it's important that we talk about those struggles otherwise people do end up feeling completely alone and like they're bad parents.

You're not a shite mum anyway; we can tell that by the fact that you think you might be and it bothers you. You clearly care and just need to find the right support.

 

[liz85]

I totally agree with everyone here. We have this idea of how life with a baby is suppose to be and then when it’s not what we exactly thought then we are hard on ourselves.

I believe in time for yourself. If I don’t get my hour or so of just me I think I’d go a little crazy. Even just a hot bubble bath and a good book. A shift a week would be good. It will get you out to recharge the batteries. Anything that will help lift your mood a bit is good.

I’m about to go through 4 weeks of my husband being away to work. (He comes back Saturday morning leaves again Monday morning ). I’m so worried about being alone. Iv asked my mum to stay a few nights. He thinks I’m crazy asking as he thinks i should be ok alone. I don’t feel this way so a part of me thinks I’m failing as a mother. However the realistic part of me tells me I’m only human and I need help and adult conversation.

 

[Rubyredslipper]

Liz I had people stay with me when my Oh went back to work. I sobbed as he left! It's easy for them to say "you'll be fine" my Oh didn't ever have to deal with a newborn on his own! He's never done a full overnight solo and I'm fact only did a full day solo when she was 2. Mostly my fault as I don't want to leave her for long periods, I Thikk I'm too hard on myself in that respect

 

[liz85]

Liz I had people stay with me when my Oh went back to work. I sobbed as he left! It's easy for them to say "you'll be fine" my Oh didn't ever have to deal with a newborn on his own! He's never done a full overnight solo and I'm fact only did a full day solo when she was 2. Mostly my fault as I don't want to leave her for long periods, I Thikk I'm too hard on myself in that respect

I’m the same I hate leaving him for long so I’m always about if he needs me. My OH hasn’t had to do a full day and night alone either ... yet. I do think we are hard on ourselves at times. It’s ok not to be ok x

 

[MoominGirl]

Family live too far from us to stay unless it's an organised trip. I've taken to calling people for long chats if I'm feeling a bit lonely. As we're breastfeeding, I feel like I barely leave the couch some days so it's nice to get a bit of company that way.

I've been doing the bubble bath thing too. It just feels nice to shut off as I know he's safe downstairs with dad.

My OH does acknowledge how tough it can be on your own which is nice. I said something hypothetical about him going out with him alone if I sent him with expressed milk. I don't think I've ever seen him look so terrified

 

[Rubyredslipper]

I’m the same I hate leaving him for long so I’m always about if he needs me. My OH hasn’t had to do a full day and night alone either ... yet. I do think we are hard on ourselves at times. It’s ok not to be ok x

I think well I chose to have her so I'm responsible for her, I have friends who are always, dropping kids off to grandparents to go out including on holidays and I always feel so guilty if I arrange something that needs a babysitter!!

 

[Lulla Bell]

Hi ladies thanks so much for all of your replies. I had a bit of a break down infront of the husband a couple of days ago, he just went silent and changed the subject :/ usually he's really good with this sort of stuff..
But I guess not right nown don't really know how to bring up the subject again?
I also confided in a friend who also suffers with PND. She was going to meet me today for a coffee, I packed up me and Phoenix, drove to her house and she bailed on me... So I sat in the car and cried for half a hour
And then I just started driving, and ended up driving to a woods and just walked a couple of miles. I was still super lonely but I'm just glad I was out of the house for a bit.
I have a friend driving down to see me tomorrow, and stay for a few days, so I'm excited about that... Plus were going to my oldest friend's wedding on Thursday, it's adults only... So it's my first time away from Phoenix, but honestly, I'm looking forward to having a day to be myself.... Not covered in sick. Haha I'm booking a appointment with my Drs for next week.... I'm really hoping they can actually help me out. Xxx

 

[Donna88]

So sorry to hear your husband and your friend let you down.
Hopefully your husband will be a lot more supportive once he's got his head around it. He probably was shocked and assumed you were happy.

I can't believe your friend who should know what you're going through let you drive out there and then bailed

Your walk sounds lovely though and I'm glad it got you out of the house - also your friend coming over should be good too.

Good luck with the doctors and well done for taking that step in speaking to them.

 

[liz85]

Good luck with the doctors xx