Partner isn't interested - maybe normal?!

[BettyHoop]

I'm 25 weeks pregnant and have been feeling movement since about 18 weeks, my partner has never felt it and doesn't seem interested to do so. I've just woken up from a dream in which I was having a cuddle and a belly rub from a random stranger and I was happy as I was able to talk about being pregnant without feeling guilty, but my partner was in the same room but he didn't seem to mind!! I have obviously woken up feeling quite sad! Last night he admitted that he finds pregnancy 'weird and gross'. We had a very good relationship until I was about 8 weeks pregnant and since then it hasn't been great, to the point where I've considered moving out. I love him and want him to be involved, he seemed so happy initially and it was something we both wanted, now I feel like I have to make sure I don't mention anything baby related so it doesn't put him in a bad mood. I can only assume that he no longer wants this child but when I question him he denies it. I just feel so unsupported and alone, this is my first pregnancy to get this far and I moved away to the country on the other side of England away from everyone I know for him a couple of years ago.

Has anyone else experienced this and everything has turned out ok? We haven't had sex much at all since getting pregnant, initially my libido was down but now I think he finds me and pregnancy quite unattractive and isn't interested. I'm starting to worry that because he isn't interested in the baby now, that he won't bond with it when it's born and I'm going to have all sorts of problems.

I just want to enjoy being pregnant. Instead I feel guilty for wanting to talk about it and share it. I'm almost at the end of my tether, we've bought nothing for it. Not one single thing. He has no intention of buying anything until he says, the last month. What can I do? He won't talk to me either, just keeps saying everything is fine. Maybe I'm overreacting and this is normal? I just thought pregnancy was an exciting time for both? He didn't even want to come to the one scan he came to and forgot I even had the others. He gets annoyed if I struggle to do normal things like before the pregnancy, or if it makes me sick. So I feel like I have to almost try and hide how I feel physically. Again, is this normal? If you made it to here, thanks for reading! Xx

 

[Shepherdess]

Your partners behaviour sounds somewhat normal to an extent

Men struggle to find a connection with the baby until its born, for you it's real straight away but men dont get the hormone changes or kicks in the belly

That being said he should be being a bit more supportive of you. My oh came to scans but not midwife aps. There was non point really. If you want to go shopping then go, most men don't think baby clothes and things are super cute anyway so go by yourself or taking a friend for a nice day out shopping

Have you sat down and told him how he's making you feel?

You should feel like you can talk about your pregnancy. I'd suggest getting out and seeing friends. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but it's still business as usual for him

 

[BettyHoop]

Thanks for the reply. I have tried to talk to him about it all on numerous occasions. He's been lovely in every other way recently apart from taking an interest in the baby which makes me think that maybe everything is probably ok, and that it's just not real for him yet. I guess I'm having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he thinks pregnancy is gross as it makes me feel horrible about myself and I'm now worried about what 'gross' stuff he will see at the birth!

Unfortunately my friends live 200 miles away so I won't see them for a while yet, I'm not up for driving as I've been told to rest now until birth due to an irritated uterus. I have a rather lovely neighbour though so I might see if she wants to come shopping with me soon just kind of hoped me and oh could do it together and get excited over baby clothes but I think I need to leave him alone and let him get excited when he is ready, which I hope he will. My biggest fear is that he will be this lack luster with the baby, he wasn't even going to take any time off work after birth to spend time with his new born til I kicked up a fuss! Xx

 

[Shepherdess]

He will fall in love with your baby wants he meets him/her! They don't have that instant bond like mothers but hewill fall in love

We're farmers and my lo was born at lambing time so my oh couldnt take any time off to spend with us. He'd see her at lunchtime and again in the late evening but that was it for the first few months, it was also tough for my oh as I breastfed and she was very clingy to me. He loved her all the time though and these days they are best friends
I'm sorry you have no friends close by, it makes me want to give your husband a shake and tell him to go shopping with you. Bloody men

 

[Dovekie]

Betty, your situation is so similar to mine. I'm also living around 200 miles from my family and friends. I don't know anyone here except my boyfriend.

Similarly, my boyfriend rarely seems interested in talking about the baby. Everytime I mention it, he changes the subject. Everytime I mention kicks or movement he twists his face in disgust. Whenever I put his hand on my belly he has no patience to wait or is freaked out when he feels a kick. He's not that bad at talking about baby items - mainly because his sister is donating all of her stuff to us (she had a baby in December) and is communicating through him. Plus, various people he knows are offering to sell us things. So, he mentions things like that to me.

I am also very concerned about our sex life. His interest has almost gone completely. I've asked him why and told him that I need sex/affection to feel wanted and loved at the moment. He says that he doesn't want to have sex as we're arguing a lot, but I think some sex would help ease the tension! He also has a bad cold/cough at the moment. To me, it just seems like the perfect excuse not to. I'm also sleeping in the spare room, where I moved to after an argument, and he doesn't want me back in the main bedroom as he needs it really hot and I prefer a cool room. He spends most of his time in there on his computer too, so I just feel alone. I had to ask him five times yesterday if he liked my bump and the way I look until I got an answer. He eventually told me not to worry about that. Personally, I like the way I look at the moment as my bump is small and tidy. We could be having some good sex right now as my libido is higher than normal!

As for once the baby is born - I asked my boyfriend if he was going to take a couple of weeks off work (he's self-employed) and he said he would do, but asked what we were going to do? Go on holiday??! I tried to explain that it's just time to settle in with the baby and get a routine going, and he seemed disappointed!

I'm worried that I'm just going to resent him for not making me feel loved during this pregnancy. I'm worried about the effect it has on the baby, as my anxiety is sometimes through the roof!

I'm sorry I can't offer any advice - I just wanted to sympathise really! I do think your boyfriend will be fine once the baby arrives though, and will bond with it normally.

 

[Angie27]

I'm sorry things are like this for you

Have you spoken to him about how this is making you feel?

Please don't let him make you feel guilty or anything negative at all! Your pregnancy is special and should be treated as such by everyone who is close to you, especially the father!!

 

[lisey]

I think some of his behaviour is normal and some just rude. Men can find it hard to bond with baby before they are born as they don't have the connection that we have by carrying them. My ex found movements weird but was still excited about baby.
My partner now is super excited, wants to feel baby, talk to her etc. But hasn't done much shipping with me, I have done most of it but he helps to pay of course.
Maybe go shopping with your neighbour, will be a nice way of getting to know her better.
As for making you feel unattractive or getting annoyed that you can't do all you did before...well I have no words (polite ones anyway). Shove a football under his top and ask him to bend over and pick things up etc, bet he wouldn't be able to do it so well
We haven't had sex and neither of us are bothered, I have water retention in my legs and feet and feel like an ogre so I really don't fancy being naked and he finds the thoughts of it weird with baby in there, which I get too xx

 

[JD.Deedee]

I could've written this when I was pregnant and I got frustrated a lot because my libido is always high despite how sick I was all the time.. but it freaked him out and he even had a child already, he just wasn't with her when she was pregnant so that was still a first for him.. he ended up being with me at the birth even tho I told him to go to work as he was just useless lol! I mean he was there when he was born even though it all freaked him out so so much and he held his son after he was born.. he wasn't very involved in buying stuff during pregnancy but never made a problem financially supporting us..

I'm sure if you make him help out on some parts he will even if he does it with a long face. But I reckon he will bond with the baby once he or she is born..

My oh bought a car seat on the day of discharge and he's continued to buy him stuff at his own pace.. if there's something you want ready in advance it's probably best to sort it yourself and if you need the money just tell him you need such and such..

Also keep in mind those bloody pregnancy hormones make you feel that way too.. I would always feel sad because of him saying he never wanted to get married when we first got together and for some reason when I was pregnant that would really bother me.. once all them daft hormones settle down those feelings do too.

 

[Dovekie]

I just got rejected. He told me during an argument about it that if I just initiated it, he'd be up for it. So, we had some time tonight. I grabbed some "tools" and told him we were going to the bedroom. He is a bit tired and has a cough, admittedly, but he played dumb and asked if he was getting a massage. Then he asked if we could do it later. Then said he was too tired. Then asked if we could cuddle first. Then asked what I was going to "make" him do. I just got fed up and gave up. Who wants to force someone to have sex??? I wanted to do it and I also wanted to see if I'd get rejected. And I did

 

[HarleyArnold]

Girls, hello! I came to this forum for this very reason. My wife says that I'm "not happy about pregnancy." I do not know what she's talking about. I think everything is fine. Is it hormones or am I really missing something? She claims that I constantly play in an online casino, watch TV or work. But it seems to me that I give her enough time. And I'm very happy about the future child. Help, how to build relationships. I do not want to upset my pregnant wife. Thank you.

 

[WinterWolf]

Girls, hello! I came to this forum for this very reason. My wife says that I'm "not happy about pregnancy." I do not know what she's talking about. I think everything is fine. Is it hormones or am I really missing something? She claims that I constantly play in an online casino, watch TV or work. But it seems to me that I give her enough time. And I'm very happy about the future child. Help, how to build relationships. I do not want to upset my pregnant wife. Thank you.

Hormones can make you a little more insecure, it sounds like she needs more reassurance that you're happy about the scenario. So maybe plan a special date night for her or something. Ask her about the baby/how she feels every day. Tell her you love her and the baby. Talk about what life will be like with a baby. Just small things like that will make her feel like you're happy about the pregnancy.

 

[HarleyArnold]

Girls, hello! I came to this forum for this very reason. My wife says that I'm "not happy about pregnancy." I do not know what she's talking about. I think everything is fine. Is it hormones or am I really missing something? She claims that I constantly play in an online casino, watch TV or work. But it seems to me that I give her enough time. And I'm very happy about the future child. Help, how to build relationships. I do not want to upset my pregnant wife. Thank you.

Hormones can make you a little more insecure, it sounds like she needs more reassurance that you're happy about the scenario. So maybe plan a special date night for her or something. Ask her about the baby/how she feels every day. Tell her you love her and the baby. Talk about what life will be like with a baby. Just small things like that will make her feel like you're happy about the pregnancy.

Thank you, Hazel! I will do everything that depends on me, in order for my princess to feel fine throughout her pregnancy and not only. The idea of a holiday for her in honor of the little girl is wonderful. I'm sure I'll figure something out.