Other half so down :( Advice required

[pacha]

Dont know if this poste should really go in the Tri2 section but you girls are so fabby with advice I could do with hearing what you think.

My OH has changed career recently and has taken a really big drop in wages to do so, but he is now in the career of his dreams so all good

Problem is that he's so down about money and so proud that I dont really know what to do to help him, I feel terrible for him

Our wages get paid into our own indivual personal bank accounts. We have a joint bank account where we both pay the same amount in each month to cover mortgage and all household bill etcs..

I am currently earning quite a bit more than him and have less outgoings. What he is earning and paying out leaves him with virtually nothing for the month. Since changing careers I have pretty much bought all the shopping in etc which I obviously dont mind doing at all but when It comes to nights out etc he cant affoard to do it and it makes him feel awful taking money of me.

I dont really know what to do to make things more 'equal' and save his pride

Perhaps having a joint bank account for everything i.e having our wages paid in to the joint account so as its more a case of 'our' money and not his and mine??

Any suggestions would be much appreciated as I cant stand seeing him down and feeling like this

 

[Mama 2 Be]

Ah hun that's a toughie as men are so proud like you say. I'd be inclined to do as you say and chuck it all in the joint account but say you think you both should do it as you are a family soon and therefore don't need seperate bank accounts etc rather than as a way for him to have more money. Then when he says he has no money you just say 'course you have its in the joint account'.

My hubby earns loads more than me but slings it all in the joint account and we buy everything out of there - that way its our money and there is none of this: 'Oh he bought all the shopping this week so I can't really pop down the pub for a quick drink with the girls.' From the lesser earners point of view it takes a while to get your head around it but to be honest now the baby is coming we spend most of our money on trips to B&Q and Homebase, Mothercare & Mama's & Papa's rather than clubbing

Like you say you'd rather him be happy in his job

 

[lillyblue]

Pacha you sound just like me!

What we do it put all our money together, we have two seperate bank accounts pay the bills and then whats left over I split for the month into weeks so basically what money I bring in is his and mine. For instance I bring around £500 a month more but that doesnt come into the equation, we pay all the bills and whats left leave for the month between us, it does get him down a little because it means I have hos bank card etc but I manage all the finances he wouldnt have a clue

I think you might be better doing that if it is causing problems hun!

What you think

xx

 

[pacha]

Thanks so much girls

I think I'll try and suggest the joint account thing today and see how it goes down as what we're doing just now definitely isnt working. I know that its all making him feel a little 'worthless' which is crazy and I cant stand seeing him like this.

Can I ask, with a joint account what do you do come Birthday/Xmas etc?..If you want to buy OH a present without him knowing?

 

[Mama 2 Be]

It's a bit different with us because Hubby has his own company so he doesn't really use the joint account - he has a card but rarely uses it. I use it for mortgage, bills, if we go out for a meal or cinema or food or clothes shopping etc. I use this for Birthday and Xmas too but he tends to buy presents for me from his business account just so we don't see what the other one bought!

He could withdraw the money and pay cash or pay it into his unused personal account and pay by his personal card?

 

[splashmonkey]

we've never felt comfortable with the idea of only having a joint account, so we do it a bit differently - we pay different amounts into the joint bills account according to the difference in our wages. It seems only fair that the one earning more contributes more to the bills, maybe that woudl be easier to stomach for him than you paying more for going out and stuff? That way he'll have more spare cash - guys do like to feel they're "treating" you from time to time, no matter how much you say it's "our" money.

 

[lillyblue]

Thats the only problem we have, but we just agree on a limit and he or I will take that money out and use it for a present!! Or we leave Misc funds in our bedroom in the top draw lol for times like that it doesnt work aswell but makes me happy just to see him happier hun

xxx

 

[Becky]

I'm gate-crashing here but what the heck!

We have a similar setup to you but instead of paying 50-50 into the joint account we have paid depending on the percentage we were earning. So if for example my wage was only 40% of our incomings I would only pay 40% of our outgoings. This meant that we would both end up with our "own" money. In reality it's all "our" money but it's nice not to have to ask for money from each other and we just take it in turns to buy treats etc.

 

[Loulabele]

mmmm that isn't nice and he's bound to be feeling crap as its usually the man who looks after the woman and thats why he's probably feeling so down,
If he isn't willin for the joint account or if you'd rather have things the way they are at the minute, then just reassure him that you's both are a team now and ur money is his money and vice versa, and its all going the same way in the end, i'm sure this short fall is only temporary and he will move up the ladder , but for now you are willing to help him as he would for you...

something like that . . .

 

[SoonToBeMrs]

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[ejjie]

My DH earns more than me so we have a joint account and when payday comes I split the total amount we need for bills between us depending on who has more money etc. Then I shift some off to savings (if there's any left) and we have exactly the same left each. Even so, we end up giving each other money every week when one of us wants to do something special but it feels equal and it suits us.

We used to have the same problems, I had no money and he had loads so he'd go out and leave me at home or have to pay for me which I hated and now there's no drama!