Older Step Children?

[Skidoo]

My OH has two kids from a previous relationship. The boy, 13, lives with us, and the girl, 11, lives with their mum. We have both kids alternate w/ends and their mother has them the other w/ends.

They're really great kids and we all get along really well. They seem really pleased and excited about having a little sister.

I just wondered if anyone has any experience of step-kids and new siblings and any advice on how to make sure that our - reasonably happy - family unit doesn't get too upset by the new arrival!

 

[Skidoo]

I'm really surprised that NO-ONE in this forum has any experience of step-kids!!! With the rising incidence of divorce / separation and the number of second relationships increasing, it seemed to me there must be other women in similar situations out there.

I'm lucky in that I get on well with my partner's ex, and her new partner, and with his kids. I say lucky, but it's actually taken some hard work, compromise, and commitment to get to this happy state.

Yay me!!

 

[Tineke]

Good for you!!

I am a step child myself, although I am a bit older now. My mother remarried and had a child, that was when I was 12 years old. My brother (the new born at the time) and I are closer than all of us children put together. I think the best way to think of it is to not make an issue of it. This is your child together and it should be known that this new baby is part of the family, just like the other children are. No-one is more special than anyone else, but this doesn't really need to be said.

This is a part of your life and everyone involved must understand that!! That's how I see it. I would never have imagined making a fuss about it all. You will see when the baby comes that the children from the previous relationship will probably argue over who holds the baby more and if that is not the case, you get to have more time with the baby yourself LOL.

All the best with everything.
Tineke

 

[Skidoo]

Thanks for your reply Tineke.

My parents also split when I was a kid. My father remarried and his new wife had twins when I was 21. I love them to bits and if my step-kids care for thier little half-sister half as much as I do for mine, then we'll be fine!!

I just worry that the older ones will feel 'pushed out' by the new arrival. I'm particularly worried about the girl because she doesn't live with us and might feel that she's getting left out of stuff, but I guess we'll just have to find ways to make sure she feels included!

It's also been wierd for me realising that my baby makes me more connected to my partner's kids. I'm saying 'step-kids', but we're not actually married. Before, if something had gone wrong and we'd split up I might never see the kids again, but now my daughter's related to them so I'm connected to them - and by extension, their mother - for life!!

 

[Kim]

Hi. I've just found this thread and I'm in the same position as you, sort of. My OH's 2 sons live with us, they are 10 & 18. His 16 yr old daughter lives with her mum and we hardly see her. Surprisingly, although she was always begging me to give her a little sister, it's her who has become jealous, even though she doesn't even live with us, or hardly visit. The 2 boys don't seem to have a problem with it, but they are really hard work and I'm worried about how things will be once the baby is here, especially as the younger one is very attention seeking and jealous already.

 

[hels]

Hi girls....well this is the sort of post i was looking at writing soon.
My OH has a boy who's nearly 6, he's pretty good and seems to be looking forward to his little sister arriving. I also would like simlar advice how to keep the whole situ balanced, I hope that he'll be just as happy when she's here, we have him every fri/sat/sun so really dont want him to feel left out.
Im also a bit freaked out now tho......it means that im linked to his psychotic ex forever.....arrgghhhh!!!
Im also having a bit of an insecure moment too.....will OH love this baby as much as his son??? he's done it before, maybe this time wont be as special. I get quite sad sometimes. Silly Helen!!! I know my OH adores me and itws the miserable hormones, but just sometimes it makes me feel a bit insecure.......any one else feel like this??

 

[Kim]

I feel EXACTLY like you Hels, everything you have written I have thought myself, even down to the maniac ex!!

 

[Skidoo]

It is a wierd thought to realise that you'll be linked to your OH's ex forever isn't it? Sorry you're partners had such poor taste before they met you!! I'm v. luck as I really like his ex and that's why we didn't get together years ago ;o)

Also, I find myself looking at his kids and wondering how much our kid will look like his and realising that I'm connected to his kids forever now. Before, if it had all gone pear shaped, I'd probably never have seen them again, but now we're linked by blood.

I got a bit freaked out early in my pregnancy when I overheard my OH calling his son his 'best boy' and I thought, what if I'm having a boy, will my child be 'second best boy'? I told him and he was genuinely upset and has stopped using that sort of language around his kids.

It's hard sometimes that when I'm getting excited about things or trying to plan, he has a bit of a 'been there, done that' attitude to it. I keep talking to him about it, and it does get better, but it's a hurdle. On the one hand, it's great that he knows what to expect, but on the other hand, this is MY first baby!!

 

[Kim]

Me and OH argue about it all the time, cos he isn't as excitable as me, he has done it 3 times and is taking it in his stride, but I want him to be more enthusiastic, it's our first together

 

[hels]

so im not alone in feeling like this then???
this is nice to know. OH does get excited about baby, and was extra happy it is prob a girl. I have spoken to him about the situation, he used to say things like " when she was in labour....." "when my son was born..." I explained that although i didnt mind hearing about his happy experiences of having his son, i really dont want to know her experiences. he was understanding (eventually!!!) and hasnt mentioned much about it since. Im worried that im going to look stupid as a mum, its been years since i even held a baby!!! he'll know everything wont he!!?? I wonder if he'll compare me?
We have agreed that we must talk about things, that way things dont build up.
Any way, thanks. Nice to know im not being that insecure!!!

 

[marylou]

hiya just found this lol. i am not a step mum or nething but i was a almost step daughter! does that make sense? my dad had a girlfriend when i was 7 who had a baby and i made life as hard as possible for her (i was a very bad girl) and hated her an the baby because i thought she was trying to replace my mum. she eventually spoke to me about it and i began to like her! byt then her and dad split up anyway!

any way what im tryin 2 sey is if you talk to your stepkids then they might be better off. yanno like explain that you wont change how you treat them and it wont affect how much their dad loves them etc...

cya luv marylou xxx

 

[Kim]

Thanks for the advice Marylou I suppose we should all look at it from the childs point of view I never thought about it that way

 

[marylou]

its ok kim- glad to help! lmao
luv marylou xxx

 

[hels]

Im just wondering from those that have had their babies, how are things given the worries we had on this post??? Hope everything is going well?

 

[Kim]

Things are a lot better than I ever imagined. All the kids absolutely LOVE their little sis!!

 

[hels]

Brilliant!!! i hope that will be same for us.
Im not feeling as insecure about stuff now, OH will love our girl as much as his boy, i was glad to hear that i wasnt the only one feeling worried about it tho.
So glad all is well xxx

 

[hels]

Any way...how could they not love Rubie....she is totally scrumptious!!

 

[Kim]

Aw thanks Hels

Didn't have time to finish my post before cos Roo was wailing, but I just wanted to say, the oldest boy (18 ) was horrible before. Every day he would come home and cause an argument with me or his dad. He was nasty, ungrateful, and confrontational. Since the birth he has been nothing but a perfect gent. He dotes on his baby sister and I have seen a side of him I never knew existed!!

Check out the new pics of Rubie on the baby pictures thread!!

 

[Skidoo]

Aw Kim, that's really sweet!

I think that it will be quite good for my OH's kids to have such a little sister. My LO will be 11/13 years younger, far enough that she's not much of a threat, but close enough that they'll be a part of her childhood and they'll see her grow.

My OH's daughter may find it harder than his son. She will no longer be the youngest and no longer the little girl. Don't really know how to help reassure her that her Dad will not love her any less.

It's ironic really. When we first started seeing each other I found the daughter really easy to get along with and felt we bonded really quickly. It took a lot longer with the son. I never pushed him for any affection and let him come to me. Now the sweet boy hugs me all the time, but the bond with the daughter is much looser. She's quite secretive and tends to mumble which I find really difficult!

Just rambling really....