Not connected

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by BellaRiven, Feb 16, 2012.

  1. BellaRiven

    BellaRiven Well-Known Member

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    We were laid in bed last night and OH comes out with he doesn't feel very connected with me or baby right now :eh: I know he has just started a new full time job which in turn leads us to not have much time together because I work full time as well and then with my nephew around a lot of the time that can get hard too, I do understand where he is coming from, i'm just concerned, when I asked what was causing him to feel like that he said that we hadmn;t spent much time together, which we spend morst of our time together.

    We are stronger than we ever have been before and certainly don;t feel disconnected from him, he has been to every appointment with me except the last one because of starting the new job so I don;t know how he feels unconnected from baby, everytime he kicks or moves I call hubby to come quickly, he is working bloody hard and we make the most of the time we have together, there hasn't been a lot of rudies well barely anything as I haven;t really felt like it since getting pregnant so I need to try harder in that department.

    Any Ideas why he may be feeling this way, has anyone else's OH mentioned feeling like this?

    Thanks ladies

    xxxx
     
  2. Spammy

    Spammy Well-Known Member

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    I haven't had this as such. But I can understand it. I think men must just feel a bit helpless. They don't carry the baby and so won't feel the same
    connection as us.

    It's hard when they have to work so much. My OH has worked ridiculous hours this week..feel like I haven't seen him all week!! I reckon they must just feel a bit stressed and anxious and all the emotions that come with expecting a baby, whilst worrying about you and feeling completely out of control cos they can't do anything about it....

    Does that make sense?! Lol
     
  3. Happyred

    Happyred Well-Known Member

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    I think a lot of men feel a wee bit insecure when there partner becomes pregnant, as pregnancy isnt the same experience for them as it is for a woman. And our excitement over our lo can sometimes leave them feeling a wee bit left out. Also small things in life change straight away. Like my partner and i always shared a bottle of wine (or two!!) at the weekend and would sit up til late at night chatting together and now im drinking water and finding it hard to stay awake after 10pm,lol! Maybe its worth doing all the cliched type things, eg, romantic meal together,giving each other massage,etc to spend quality time together and give him your full attention. If he feels more connected to you his connection to lo should come more naturally. Also, i think it has to be a sign of how strong your relationship is that he feels he can talk to you about this. Good luck, hope things sort out ok.
     
  4. Daydreaming

    Daydreaming Well-Known Member

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    My husband works stupidly hard too which can lead to a loss of connection (and a lack of naked cuddles!). He tells me he feels guilty for working all the time and not fussing over me more - but he does fuss plenty and is being really brilliant.

    To make sure he keeps connected with baby I do things like buy a baby grow that is more related to him (so I got a star wars themed one for valentines). And I have made it his "Job" to rub my belly with bio-oil every night, so he is saying hello to Little Sausage and being a bit more involved. Also, if he is rubbing my belly it may sometimes lead to nookie time.

    Otherwise do things that couples without kiddies do - cinema, a meal out (even a wetherspoons pub lunch!) can all lead to smiles and giggles which lead to a better connection between the two of you (and thus baby). But it can be hard to fit it in around work :(

    Best wishes!
     
  5. weefoggy

    weefoggy Well-Known Member

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    I think there is something in this, in most ways I feel me and my OH are stronger than ever and have a deeper bond, however sometimes I think he feels a bit left out and isn't as excited as he was initially. I think it's because it's such a long time and he doesn't live with the day to day feelings, kicks etc that I do. I didn't think there was any problem at all however until last weekend when he said the pregnancy forum knows more about the baby than he does! I do find it quite addictive so have vowed to make more of an effort and not sit on here when he's around! X
     
  6. Karate Kid

    Karate Kid Well-Known Member

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    I can relate hun, my husband has just started a new job with far more responsibility that before and with more people to mange than before.... he spoke to me on Monay night about how he felt like he was neglecting me and the baby because of his work load and that mentally he is so drained and has very little capacity at the moment. He also said he felt usless and unconnected because he was so stressed about providing and ensuring he prooves himself at work and gets through his six month probabtion (he will but he loves to worry!)

    Don't get me wrong this baby has brought us closer on so many levels. I just think that he just can't deal with too many things at one time. Little things like me rabbiting on about nursary colours and what cot to buy just do not register as important to him right now.... he is a very last minute person when it comes to everything apart from work.

    Hopefully by the time you baby is here your husbands workload would have settled and he will be able to focus on the excitment of your LO fully without the stresses and presures of a new job xx
     
    #6 Karate Kid, Feb 16, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2012
  7. Jayjay027

    Jayjay027 Well-Known Member

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    I think men generally do feel a little left out of things. We're feeling all the pops and kicks and are creating a bond with the baby straight away, whereas they are just bystanders at this point.

    Get him to start saying 'goodnight' to ur belly every night, that's what my hubby does. And as someone else suggested, get him to rub bio-oil or moisturizer on ur belly or even ur back, so he feels like he's helping.

    Sometimes if I'm in a mood, I go to hubby and say 'me and baby need a cuddle' and it puts a smile on his face cuz he feels like he's cuddling me and baby lol.

    Its good that he was able to be open and honest about it. Maybe ask him what would help him feel more connected? Xx

    Sent from my BlackBerry 9800 using Tapatalk
     
  8. leesey

    leesey Well-Known Member

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    I definitely know where you're coming from. I'm doing everything I can to get hubby involved, when I feel something I tell him, when I'm on the doppler I put on the spare earphones so he can listen in, and I chat to him about what's going on in general (like for instance I was at the physio today, so I keep him up to date with stuff even though he doesn't necessarily need to know).
    However, he just seems distant :( I know he doesn't feel close to the baby yet, although he loves seeing the scans. I'm actually going for another scan on Sunday, even though we can't really afford it.

    I can't wait til we can feel movement from the outside, and the baby can hear his voice and stuff, so he can get involved. But until then he just feels a bit like it's not his job to be hands on with the baby stuff.

    He has been brilliant round the house mind you, and I feel really guilty that I can't do most of the housework. I think that's his job right now, and my job is growing the baby!

    It's hard to feel close in the same way we used to, but things are obviously going to change a lot. I guess as the girls have said it's just finding wee intimate ways to keep him involved xx
     
  9. lyndsey_28

    lyndsey_28 Well-Known Member

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    hey bump buddy :)

    sorry ur hubby is feeing this way and it must be kinda hard for you to understand too!! most men feel a little neglected when women become pregnant, as the attention is focused on us and bubs for a change instead of them...i sure when he settles into his new routine of work etc all will be fine as for the no nookie as long as there are plenty of cuddles and closeness he should be ok with that :) my OH was fine with first 2 pregancies really involved talikng about it all the time etc but this time he seemed distant like he wasnt to bothered and i felt like we werent really close anymore than form around 24 weeeks summat seemed to change and he was really interested and the closeness is back, but now after my news the other day its gettinga bit over bearing..like let me do that!! you sit there, ill sort this..be careful and i know that sounds nice but im really independent and it pisses me off lol but i know he means well :)

    you to have my number if u ever wanna chat too, im always here :hugs:xxx
     
  10. BellaRiven

    BellaRiven Well-Known Member

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    I think I am going to try and book us a weekend away when he ahs finished all of his training for the job, might see if I can find a Spa Break somewhere where we can both relax and enjoy being in each others company :)

    We have plenty of hugs and cuddles but I might talk to him again tonight and see whether there is anything else bothering him, he just seems to clam up a lot and give me vague answers! he will give me an answer but then not a 'full' one if you get what I mean :)

    He often gets like this when he feels we haven't seen enough of each other, then we spend a week together and all is ok, harder to do at the moment but we will :)

    Thanks again ladies I love coming here for advice :hugs:

    xxx
     
    #10 BellaRiven, Feb 16, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2012
  11. KarenC

    KarenC Well-Known Member

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    That sounds like a great idea, going away for a nice weekend just the two of you with no home or work stuff to worry about. My husband and I will try to do the same soon. I think the best thing you have here is the fact that he is communicative and that he told you. That's really, really positive and if you keep talking, I'm sure everything will be fine in the end. I'm sure he will start to feel closer to you and baby very soon, I guess it's just difficult for them to feel like they are important sometimes, poor things. x
     
  12. leesey

    leesey Well-Known Member

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    We had planned to go away this weekend, as it's the only holiday we share. However after suggesting lots and lots of nice places and even Groupon offers, he still didn't find anywhere he wanted to go. So that was that out the window! Not even doing anything nice for the holiday weekend, he's away playing golf with my dad tomorrow then to the football on Saturday :( Can't seem to win unfortunately.

    Anyway, hope you and OH have a lovely weekend away together when you get the chance, I think it's a fab idea xx
     
  13. Daydreaming

    Daydreaming Well-Known Member

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    Be careful of Spa weekends - OH booked me a spa day for my birthday and there were a lot of things I couldn't do: the hot tub, steam room, sauna, basically anything that put heart near baby. There are still a couple of things you can do - so make sure you book a place with lots of different options :)
     
  14. leesey

    leesey Well-Known Member

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    I was gonna mention that too. One of my baby magazines had bump-friendly weekends at the back section, which was a sensible idea.
     
  15. BellaRiven

    BellaRiven Well-Known Member

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    Works out they are a bit expensive so I think we will end up at a B & B that I know in Ross on Wye which is lovely :)

    Does anyone know if we can do hot tubs I don;t think we can but thought I would ask :)
    x
    xx
     
  16. TaffyRose

    TaffyRose Well-Known Member

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    A weekend away is a great idea hun (I believe hot tubs are not advised because of the constant high temp?). We are going to do the same, get away for a couple of days just the 2 of us before our little man arrives. I think it's important to be 'us' as well as mummy and daddy.

    I understand where you're coming from regarding you OH. I felt my OH wasn't really trying to get involved with the pregnancy or baby and it really upset me as it looked like he didn't care. I talked to him and he reassured me this wasn't the case it's just difficult for him to feel much at the moment as it's me that feel's the baby moving and growing, etc. I must admit since the 20 week scan and I've started to show he has become more attentive to the bump and rubs and speaks to it now. I think it's difficult for them to see it as a baby.

    Also my OH explained he is stressing about the financial side of having a family and he tends to withdraw when he's stressed. But everyone I've spoken to has a similar story about their OH and the one thing that was consistent was they change in a second when they see their baby being born :) xxx
     
  17. leesey

    leesey Well-Known Member

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    No hot tubs I'm afraid, no xx
     

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