Need to vent my true feelings

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Hello all,

I’ve been lurking a while and reading all your posts ( you seem like a lovely bunch ) and I just thought I would post in the hope of taking to some people who understand how I’m feeling.

I am 28 years old, ( soon to be 29) and my Fiancé is the same age. We’ve been together for 5 years and at Christmas he proposed and I said yes. We are currently planning our wedding for August 2020.
In our 5 years together , we’ve been inseparable. We’ve travelled the world together, he helped me get back into university and made me believe in myself and I have grown in confidence.
Last year we bought our first house together , it’s a 3 bed with a lovely big garden and is more of a family home than a 1st house.
He has just got a promotion in a new job and we both work full time, so we are more than financially stable. We live a very comfortable life and can afford to have what we want.

When we met, he didn’t want to get married or have children. I have always wanted that family unit since I was young , and I’m very maternal. It was early days though and we were only early 20s so I wasn’t too worried back then. We were enjoying life care free together.
Over the years obviously things have changed. Getting the house and with him landing his dream job and climbing the career ladder- I know he is viewing things differently. The proposal was a real surprise for me, as you can imagine. I like how his mind is changing without me nagging or pressuring him.

One of our biggest strengths is communicating and we have had many in depth chats about starting a family. I would start trying tomorrow if I could because I just feel so ready. With everything we have and what we have achieved together I feel it’s the next step. I always said I wanted my first baby before I was 30. He feels differently. He does want to start a family , but not until after the wedding. He would like to get married, then the following year go on one last big holiday as a honeymoon and then start trying, by which point we will be 32.
I know 32 is not old by any means- but who knows how long it could take us to fall. If we wanted more than one child , I don’t want the pressure to be on while the first one is still little.

I am accepting this and respecting his wishes to want to start after the wedding. I keep trying to tell myself that we are both still young, it will be good to just focus on the wedding and enjoy the house for a couple of years on our own. However- I work in a primary school and I just keep having certain months where having a baby is more overwhelming than others.
At the beginning of the year I decided to focus on getting fit and healthy and I’ve lost 3 stone. I feel great, so much healthier and more energy. But I’ve had a couple of ‘bad’ months where whatever I do- I just can’t shake the feelings I am having.
This month, my period was late ( which never happens). I didn’t think anything of it, and then it dawned on me maybe something happened and I could be pregnant. When my period came I could of cried , it just made me realise just how much I want it.

Like I said, I have sat him down and spoken to him about it and he is tried to understand and be reassuring. It doesn’t help that he shows me pictures of babies on his phone ( that friends have had) or he will randomally say things like what do you think of this name? Or ask questions about pregnancy etc i don’t want to keep bringing it up with him, because I don’t ever want him to feel pressured or nagged at- I want him to start a family when he is as ready as me. It’s going to be a special time for both of us.

I just don’t know how to get through the next 2 years with these urges. Sorry for such a long post- even if no one replies, sometimes it’s just good to write feelings down and get it all out! X

 

[IVW]

Hi Sarah,

I can totally see your point and i would feel maybe slightly frustrated as well, but thats probably because were around the same age and are at the same point in our lives, however we have done certain things round the opposite way, as in, we have had all the fun holidays, bucket list tick offs, got engaged, had the wedding, now were saving for a mortgage, but we decided to start ttc in January, purely for the fact that it might not happen straight away, which is something you do need to factor in, unless you are one of the lucky ones and fall the first month you try - then i will be jealous and i am also jealous you have the house lol, but you almost want that last piece of the puzzle....

Unfortunately there isnt really alot you can do, which i know is frustrating as hell, but i can almost sense you're thinking 'the clock is ticking' and lets face it, we arent getting younger and the risks do increase the older we get - maybe thats something you can drop in convo, if the convo comes up again?

Is there a reason the wedding is 2 years away? is it purely for saving reasons? could you maybe have a bit earlier?

Sometimes just playing it cool and taking a back seat can do the trick. He sounds like he really likes children, especially with showing you pics of other peoples kids - my OH never does that well with his nieces maybe, but not of other kids, so i honestly think he might eventually come round to it.

I assume you are on the pill currently?x

 

[Kholl]

That was my first thought too, move the wedding up! That would help bring everything else forward too.

 

[Trinity]

Hi, I registered here to vent as well!

I am on the same boat. I am 29 later this year and my husband will be 33. And I know exactly how you feel!

We are married for 3 years nearly so it

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Thank you so much for replies , it’s comforting to know I’m not alone!

The reason for the wedding is he wants to save so we don’t start married life in debt. I have spoken about bringing it forward but he’s having none of it.
There’s a part of me that feels like saying either we move the wedding forward- or start trying before the wedding, that said I don’t want to bully him into it. I just feel like my life is on hold

Congratulations on your wedding! And I feel for you.. it’s hard to get on the property ladder these days isn’t it. Took us 4 years!

No I’m not on the pill. I was on the pill for 3 years when we got together and he would insist on using condoms as well.
Then,2 years ago, I felt like I needed to come off to get my cycles back to a routine. I was only going to do it for 6 months but he was the one that said stay off it. So now it’s just condoms.
Every month I pray something’s gone wrong. How bad of me! X

 

[tinselcat]

Hi there

I met my ex-husband age 27, he didn't want to try until a few months after we got married, by which time I was 32 and he was 34. Fast forward 8 years, I've had 1 late miscarriage and 3 rounds of IVF with him before we got our baby - but even then we were lucky the cycle worked - I was 35 then. My ex would always get irritated when I brought up female body clock.

Obviously we're all different people with different bodies and different relationships, but I feel mine is a cautionary tale and if I could go back in time I would do things a lot differently. xx

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Hi Tinselcat,

I’m so sorry to hear about your MC. X
I just don’t think men realise the risk. My OH brother and his wife are 34 and they had a MC 18 months ago. They have been TTC since with no luck.
It’s so hard when men don’t seem to have these maternal feelings like we do x

 

[Laura butchers]

Hi sarah,

Congratulations on your wedding news.

I think we can all agree there is never the right time to have a baby. But from what i can read, i can sense how much you are ready.
I understand that everyone sets out goals and deadlines as to when they want to achieve certain milestones in life but from where i am sitting it feel as though your fiance is calling all the shots and everything seems to be on his terms, when he is ready.
I read in your replies that youve already spoken to him about moving the wedding forward but he is adoment.
Is there actually anything stopping you from moving it forward?
I think you have to work together and compromise with some sort of decision. I havent really got any advice. I just think you need to put your foot down a bit more xx

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Hi sarah,

Congratulations on your wedding news.

I think we can all agree there is never the right time to have a baby. But from what i can read, i can sense how much you are ready.
I understand that everyone sets out goals and deadlines as to when they want to achieve certain milestones in life but from where i am sitting it feel as though your fiance is calling all the shots and everything seems to be on his terms, when he is ready.
I read in your replies that youve already spoken to him about moving the wedding forward but he is adoment.
Is there actually anything stopping you from moving it forward?
I think you have to work together and compromise with some sort of decision. I havent really got any advice. I just think you need to put your foot down a bit more xx

Hi Laura,
Thank you.
I agree with you- I do think that he seems to control things a bit more than I do. I hate confrontation or anything like that so I’m very much a ‘yes’ person. Seeing him happy is important to me , regardless of how miserable it makes me feel.
I guess with the wedding it’s mainly because he earns more money than I do- so he is paying for most of it. I love him very much, so don’t want to upset him.
I just wish he would consider my feelings and my point of view a bit more. Let’s be honest- i know having a baby is a massive life changing decision that you BOTH have to want- but my life would change a hell of a lot more than his! X

 

[IVW]

Hi sarah,

Congratulations on your wedding news.

I think we can all agree there is never the right time to have a baby. But from what i can read, i can sense how much you are ready.
I understand that everyone sets out goals and deadlines as to when they want to achieve certain milestones in life but from where i am sitting it feel as though your fiance is calling all the shots and everything seems to be on his terms, when he is ready.
I read in your replies that youve already spoken to him about moving the wedding forward but he is adoment.
Is there actually anything stopping you from moving it forward?
I think you have to work together and compromise with some sort of decision. I havent really got any advice. I just think you need to put your foot down a bit more xx

Hi Laura,
Thank you.
I agree with you- I do think that he seems to control things a bit more than I do. I hate confrontation or anything like that so I’m very much a ‘yes’ person. Seeing him happy is important to me , regardless of how miserable it makes me feel.
I guess with the wedding it’s mainly because he earns more money than I do- so he is paying for most of it. I love him very much, so don’t want to upset him.
I just wish he would consider my feelings and my point of view a bit more. Let’s be honest- i know having a baby is a massive life changing decision that you BOTH have to want- but my life would change a hell of a lot more than his! X

I can see your partners point of view with regards to not starting married life in debt and he is right - dont have your wedding overshadowed, it will be on of the most amazing days of your life, so make sure you both have it exactly how you want and lets face it, you want to be able to have a fair few glass of bubbles as well and unfortunately weddings arent cheap. We saved for a good year and a half and my day was perfect.

I wouldnt even bother using condoms, if hes ok with pulling out, just do it that way and then you can prey for a bit of an accident

But, yep unfortunately you probably wont be able to change his mind and the more you mention / push it, the more he will be definite with this decision. I would just be relaxed about the whole thing, make the ball predominantly in his court and hope reverse psychology does that trick

In the mean time, enjoy planning your wedding

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Yeah you’re right. I do want to enjoy our special day ( only planning on doing it once!) and I do want to be able to relax . I know he only ever does things for us and our future, it’s jhst frustrating. He is a real planning person, whereas I am a bit more spontaneous and it will work out person.

I’ve spoken to him again today about possibly moving the wedding forward a bit. I’ve also tried to just explain how I feel and why I feel that way, so he can get a bit more of an understanding. Maybe one day he will change his mind. The thing is, I know that once we were pregnant or had a baby he would absolutely love it! And he will be the most amazing dad. It’s just persuading him to take that leap so he can see how wonderful it really is.
He does seem a bit open about talking today- so we will have a long conversation tonight and see where we are.

I really appreciate all your replies xx

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

Little update.

We had a date night and went for a walk along the beach. We had a very open and honest conversation as I needed to know where he was at and why and vice Versa.
I explained to him in full detail about how I feel. I explained that it’s different for women, we have hormones that tell our bodies to reporoduce and being very maternal , it is a feeling I won’t be able to just shake off. I said I was struggling with living with these feelings for 2 years before even thinking about TTC.
He was very understanding and said he knows it’s different for women and men as a rule don’t get those urges. He was also sympathetic over how I felt and wouldn’t want to lose me over the situation.
I asked him what was stopping him as we are happy, stable, financially secure etc and he very honestly admitted he was scared that the dynamic of our relationship would change. He likes being the centre of my attention and doing things together and he’s not ready to give that up yet. We lived with my mum for 3 years before saving for our house- so the fact we haven’t been here long- he is still enjoying having that time with each other on our own.
He said he knows that’s going to end eventually , but in 2 years when we’re married he will be better prepared for it because it will naturally be the next progression after the wedding.

So that’s where we are. He said we can move the wedding forward a year if I want to.
Now I know the real reason I’m accepting it more and trying to embrace our time together. It won’t make these feelings go away but at least if I fill my time with fun days it shouldn’t seem so bad.
So we are spending lots of time together, having date nights and lazy days, lay ins, weekends away etc and we are going to focus on doing up the house together.

I feel better than I did. X

 

[Laura butchers]

Little update.

We had a date night and went for a walk along the beach. We had a very open and honest conversation as I needed to know where he was at and why and vice Versa.
I explained to him in full detail about how I feel. I explained that it’s different for women, we have hormones that tell our bodies to reporoduce and being very maternal , it is a feeling I won’t be able to just shake off. I said I was struggling with living with these feelings for 2 years before even thinking about TTC.
He was very understanding and said he knows it’s different for women and men as a rule don’t get those urges. He was also sympathetic over how I felt and wouldn’t want to lose me over the situation.
I asked him what was stopping him as we are happy, stable, financially secure etc and he very honestly admitted he was scared that the dynamic of our relationship would change. He likes being the centre of my attention and doing things together and he’s not ready to give that up yet. We lived with my mum for 3 years before saving for our house- so the fact we haven’t been here long- he is still enjoying having that time with each other on our own.
He said he knows that’s going to end eventually , but in 2 years when we’re married he will be better prepared for it because it will naturally be the next progression after the wedding.

So that’s where we are. He said we can move the wedding forward a year if I want to.
Now I know the real reason I’m accepting it more and trying to embrace our time together. It won’t make these feelings go away but at least if I fill my time with fun days it shouldn’t seem so bad.
So we are spending lots of time together, having date nights and lazy days, lay ins, weekends away etc and we are going to focus on doing up the house together.

I feel better than I did. X

Im so glad you had this chat with him. I certainly think it was well needed. I completely understand what hes saying and its so nice that he was open and honest with you.

Enjoy life while you can now, move the wedeing forward a year and see what happens from there.

Wishing you lots of happiness no matter what you decide x

 

[Trinity]

Little update.

We had a date night and went for a walk along the beach. We had a very open and honest conversation as I needed to know where he was at and why and vice Versa.
I explained to him in full detail about how I feel. I explained that it

 

[Vintageling]

sending you huge hugs hun I know exactly how you feel I have been broody for years and I mean years and its been worse the last 6 years. My ex refused to TTC which Iam happy about now looking back as well he is my ex and when I got with my other half I told him I wanted kids and we have sat down and spoken about it alot and I told him I wanted to do it sooner rather then later due to my age Im 28 now and I want more then one and so does he so we hit the year and a half mark in our relationship and everything was good I moved in with him and he waited a couple of months and then did agree to TTC as he got to see more how much it did bother me. Just hang in there its amazing that you can be so honest with your other half and he is understanding. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get to the point that you TTC. Im always here if you need a vent . xxx

 

[Sarahjanebirdi]

sending you huge hugs hun I know exactly how you feel I have been broody for years and I mean years and its been worse the last 6 years. My ex refused to TTC which Iam happy about now looking back as well he is my ex and when I got with my other half I told him I wanted kids and we have sat down and spoken about it alot and I told him I wanted to do it sooner rather then later due to my age Im 28 now and I want more then one and so does he so we hit the year and a half mark in our relationship and everything was good I moved in with him and he waited a couple of months and then did agree to TTC as he got to see more how much it did bother me. Just hang in there its amazing that you can be so honest with your other half and he is understanding. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get to the point that you TTC. Im always here if you need a vent . xxx

What a lovely reply , thank you.
Sorry to hear about your ex and that you were broody for so long. That must of been so hard for you, it’s such an overwhelming feeling isn’t it. You are a very strong person! I’m glad you’re happy now though with your other half. Are you TTC now?
We are the same age
Hehe thank you, likewise I’m here if you ever want to talk xxx

 

[Vintageling]

sending you huge hugs hun I know exactly how you feel I have been broody for years and I mean years and its been worse the last 6 years. My ex refused to TTC which Iam happy about now looking back as well he is my ex and when I got with my other half I told him I wanted kids and we have sat down and spoken about it alot and I told him I wanted to do it sooner rather then later due to my age Im 28 now and I want more then one and so does he so we hit the year and a half mark in our relationship and everything was good I moved in with him and he waited a couple of months and then did agree to TTC as he got to see more how much it did bother me. Just hang in there its amazing that you can be so honest with your other half and he is understanding. Just remember there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get to the point that you TTC. Im always here if you need a vent . xxx

What a lovely reply , thank you.
Sorry to hear about your ex and that you were broody for so long. That must of been so hard for you, it’s such an overwhelming feeling isn’t it. You are a very strong person! I’m glad you’re happy now though with your other half. Are you TTC now?
We are the same age
Hehe thank you, likewise I’m here if you ever want to talk xxx

thanks hun to be honest im just glad to be away from my ex as looking back i can see just how abusive he was. It is so hard to wait as your body is saying go but you cant. We are TTC now yes and honestly its made me the happiest person in the world we aer in our 2nd cycle but 3 months in as im not counting last month as we werent able to actually get to baby dancing during my fertile window at all so there was no chance last cycle.
Hope everything is going ok with you xxxx