Nana in dilemma and crying, causing friction with expectant daughter

[NEWNANA]

My daughter is expecting her first in a few weeks, due date is between June 9th to 15th. This is my first grandchild and I am over the moon excited. Problem is that I live in the states and she is in Canada. She has known right from the start that I was planning on coming up as soon as I heard that she was in labor so that I could see my first little grandbaby asap. She made it clear recently that she did not want any guests at the hospital which I can accept but I still really want to see him once they get home. After that I intended to stay a day or two elsewhere, not with them, then fly to be with my 89 year mother for a week or so, who is in rehab in another Canadian city, as a result of having been hit by a car, then fly back to my daughter to help her out after her husband goes back to work. They plan on moving into a bigger apartment at the beginning of June and she will be needing more help than normal.
Late last night I got a message from her asking that I come from the 15th to the 30th and that I book my flight right away because it was inconveniencing others because my travel plans are so up in the air. She said I need to show consideration for the people I will be staying with, the people picking me up from the airport and those asked to drive me around. I suggested that I could take the shuttle from the airport into the city, that I could rent a car and stay at a hotel. This did not satisfy her because it would be a strain on our family finances.
I have tried to explain to her that it is pointless in booking a flight because we have no clue when the little guy is going to arrive and I want to be there when I am really needed, not when her husband is still at home. I am trying to juggle a lot of things right now and she told me that I was only thinking of myself and that this was all about them and their special time and not about me. To me this is about being there when I am really needed the most, to be there when my mother needs me, there are things here at home that I would really like to be here for that I am going to need to put on the back burner. Oh and should I mention that I have another daughter getting married beginning of August?
I have tried to explain to her that we have no clue when this little guy will be born. If he were born tomorrow, then her husband would be going back to work on the 9th leaving her nearly a week with no support. Or he might not come until a few days after her due date, I had one go three days over and my sister had one go three weeks over, so I would be sitting there twiddling my thumbs, underfoot or having to pay more to reschedule a ticket.
She is angry with me for not wanting to get things organized, I am telling her that it is hard to get things organized when you have no idea when the baby will be born. I have told her that it is hard on me too but that I have just decided to enjoy the excitement and joy of this precious time and try to go with the flow.
I have been doing a lot of crying since last night, my joy that I have felt for the past 8 months has been destroyed and it has caused contention between my daughter and I.
Am I being unreasonable to want to not book my flight until I know when the baby is on his way and my plans as to when I will return to help her with packing, cooking etc? My daughter has OCD and needs to have things under control. I too would like to have things more organized but in reality I do not find that it would be helpful to do it her way in this situation.

 

[Emily0505]

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but why do you think that your daughter will need so much support after baby is born?

I didn't have my mum come and stay with me once hubby was back to work and I coped just fine.

If you're financing you own trip, staying in a hotel etc, then you daughter obviously can't stop you from travelling down but you can't impose yourself on her at home if it's not wanted.

First babies (or first grandchildren) are so exciting but also very worrying for a first time mum. You saying that your going to hop on a plane the second you hear she's in labour might seem too imposing and overbearing for her. She might want to spend some time just her, hubby and the baby for a while.

I would give her a ring and talk about it and see if you can come to a compromise that suits you both.

I hope that all goes smoothly for your daughter and that you can get things sorted.

 

[NEWNANA]

Well for starters, she is already registered for a postpartum depression group because she is at risk and secondly they are planning on moving at the end of the month to a larger apartment. Thirdly her husband travels a lot with his job as well.

 

[JoS]

It sounds like you are trying so hard to be supportive to your daughter, but not really getting anywhere. My mum has been to stay with out out family after each of my children's birth and her help has been invaluable. Like you she has been supportive and helpful, whilst giving us the space to get to know our new baby.
But as hurt as you are from her comments, I think you do need to think about it from her perspective. As you said she has ocd, I can't begin to imagine how scary it must be for someone with ocd to have a baby. To not be in control of what is happening to your body and when it is happening is scary for everyone, so for her it must be a million times worse.
Please speak to her, I'm sure you can come to an understanding that will suit you both, I'm sure once the baby is here she will realise how invaluable it is to have a grandparent as loving and supportive as you.

 

[NEWNANA]

I want to be able to speak with her about it and have tried but at the moment she views me as being inconsiderate and selfish. She has told me that this moment is all about them, not about me.
I'm feeling so stressed and overwhelmed as I am trying to juggle the needs of three important women in my life, plus I also still have a teenage daughter at home as well. My daughter isn't the only one going through a life changing event. My mother is facing having to sell her home and give up her beloved dog and not knowing how much mobility she will have. My middle daughter also needs me to help her prepare for her wedding. I'm feeling backed into a corner.

 

[Blueclass]

My husbands family live 2 hrs away and have said once I'm in labour they will be on there way here. I have argued with my husband as I feel it's our time and I may not want to see people whilst in hospital or as soon as I get out. I do think you should wait till the baby is born but tell her ur stay else where so your not intruding. Also say you know it's a special time for her but it's not all about her it's about everyone including her nan as you need to help her.
I wouldn't bother saying you will help her when her husband goes back to work as I'm Sure she will manage
Lots of woman or men do, we have to make do. Plus if she wants you let her ask for it.

 

[Holi]

I can completely see that your hearts in the right place but seems like your plan to just come when your needed is stressing out your daughter. She obviously still wants you to visit (that's why she wants you to commit to a date) but the not knowing is probably making your daughter very frustrated as she can't get organised with how it's all going to go because she doesn't know when you'll be turning up.

Try not to think that your so desperately needed and that you need to be there once hubby goes back to work, your daughter will be fine! Just arrange your trip and enjoy meeting your new grandchild and watching your daughter become a mummy! Xx

 

[Smileygirl]

My daughter is expecting her first in a few weeks, due date is between June 9th to 15th. This is my first grandchild and I am over the moon excited. Problem is that I live in the states and she is in Canada. She has known right from the start that I was planning on coming up as soon as I heard that she was in labor so that I could see my first little grandbaby asap. She made it clear recently that she did not want any guests at the hospital which I can accept but I still really want to see him once they get home. After that I intended to stay a day or two elsewhere, not with them, then fly to be with my 89 year mother for a week or so, who is in rehab in another Canadian city, as a result of having been hit by a car, then fly back to my daughter to help her out after her husband goes back to work. They plan on moving into a bigger apartment at the beginning of June and she will be needing more help than normal.
Late last night I got a message from her asking that I come from the 15th to the 30th and that I book my flight right away because it was inconveniencing others because my travel plans are so up in the air. She said I need to show consideration for the people I will be staying with, the people picking me up from the airport and those asked to drive me around. I suggested that I could take the shuttle from the airport into the city, that I could rent a car and stay at a hotel. This did not satisfy her because it would be a strain on our family finances.
I have tried to explain to her that it is pointless in booking a flight because we have no clue when the little guy is going to arrive and I want to be there when I am really needed, not when her husband is still at home. I am trying to juggle a lot of things right now and she told me that I was only thinking of myself and that this was all about them and their special time and not about me. To me this is about being there when I am really needed the most, to be there when my mother needs me, there are things here at home that I would really like to be here for that I am going to need to put on the back burner. Oh and should I mention that I have another daughter getting married beginning of August?
I have tried to explain to her that we have no clue when this little guy will be born. If he were born tomorrow, then her husband would be going back to work on the 9th leaving her nearly a week with no support. Or he might not come until a few days after her due date, I had one go three days over and my sister had one go three weeks over, so I would be sitting there twiddling my thumbs, underfoot or having to pay more to reschedule a ticket.
She is angry with me for not wanting to get things organized, I am telling her that it is hard to get things organized when you have no idea when the baby will be born. I have told her that it is hard on me too but that I have just decided to enjoy the excitement and joy of this precious time and try to go with the flow.
I have been doing a lot of crying since last night, my joy that I have felt for the past 8 months has been destroyed and it has caused contention between my daughter and I.
Am I being unreasonable to want to not book my flight until I know when the baby is on his way and my plans as to when I will return to help her with packing, cooking etc? My daughter has OCD and needs to have things under control. I too would like to have things more organized but in reality I do not find that it would be helpful to do it her way in this situation.

You sound like a very loving and unselfish mum. You really seem to be going out of your way to not be intrusive and to give your daughter the space she will probably want too at this special bonding time with her immediate family. I think I would also feel a bit sad! Sorry, I don't have any advice as such... I will have a think!

 

[tinselcat]

Hi there

I have OCD so I thought I'd chip in.

I read your message a number of times. I can understand your daughter is stressed and anxious and wants to firm things up.

What I don't get is that you proposed a reasonable alternative to allay her fears and she came up with another problem. Family finances? Unless she's somehow financially dependent on you & things are tight, then shouldn't your money be for you to decide how to spend it? At this (stressful) stage, convenience for you is an entirely reasonable thing.

I wonder if there is something more to this than she is saying. My advice would be to dig deeper and see if she has an ulterior motive for wanting you around for longer, e.g. she isn't getting enough support from her husband or she's secretly frightened about something going wrong & wants you close for the birth, or whatever.

I don't agree that you're being selfish and inconsiderate.

Another observation is that a lot of your family members seem to be quite dependent on you. I get your mother's situation but daughter's wedding - presumably she's an adult, capable of doing quite a bit of it herself? So I wonder if people rely on you a little too much. It's not a criticism, just an observation from someone who only knows the teeniest tiniest amount of info about your life.

x

 

[Nickinakinoo]

My mother lives in another country and like you was planning on jumping on a plane as soon as I was in labour and in the end I had to tell her no, she could come the next month because her being there straight away doesn't help me as hubby will be home and not knowing when she'd arrive was causing me so much stress and anxiety, she's now booked to fly 4 weeks after my due date. Perhaps she doesn't want you to be there right after the birth and just doesn't want to upset you.

I also have booked in for support for post natal depression but that doesn't mean I won't or can't cope, it's a way of me putting support in place so I won't need other people's help as much. Being so far away from you she might have a pretty good support structure in place to deal with her husband being away and moving.