Mums whose partners/ husbands work nights how much time does dad spend with baby?

[flaxen]

To the mums whose partners work nights how much time do they spend with their child either on the nights they are working or on the days off? If they do help do they get up on their day off and help or not?

Sorry for the questions I just want to know if im unreasonable or if im getting treated like a slave?

Thanks.

 

[Jbeanie]

Hiya

My hubby works 12 hour shifts over a 3 week rolling pattern which is a mixture of days and nights 6-6.

When he's on days, he always gives Jules her bedtime bottle and puts her to bed.

When he's on nights, he doesn't really get chance to feed her as by the time he's got up, showered, made his pack up etc and his tea, he then has to set off for work but he will play with her for a bit while I get some stuff done.

On his days off he's really good, helps with feeding, bathing, play time etc.

I'm guessing from you're thread your that your hubby perhaps isn't pulling his weight? X x

 

[flaxen]

He works nights and days on a 2 week rota, weeknight shifts are 13.5hrs ( 6.30pm- 8am )and weekend shifts are 12hrs, (7-7) He does fri/sat/sun nights, mon and tues off, weds/thurs nights, friday off, sat//sun days, mon/tues nights, weds/thurs off. then starts again. On his nights on he spends the afternoon in bed ( getting up 9-10am ) gets up just in time to get ready for work and then goes, when he finishes he comes homes has breakfast, watches tvand goes to bed. On a day shift he does the same on a morning, when he comes home on a night after he spends ages talking to his shift change at work ( ive got daughter ready fo bed and trying to get her asleep ) he comes home and watches tv.
On his days off and holidays he gets up when he feels like it usually about 10am and gets himself breakfast and does what he wants.
Our daughter is 18mths old and he has never got up with her on a morning ( shes up between 5-6am everyday ) or on a night ( shes up umpteen times a night ) and has never given her a bath or got her ready for bed. He says as he works more hours than me his time off is his time. Yes I work 16hrs a week over 2 days and daughter is at a childminder for that time which I pay for out of MY wages with no help from him. This is the only time off I get and still sort her out before and after work whether hes working or not regardless of what sleep I get ( usually about 4hrs a night ).

He spends his pay on junk, ebay,smoking, fast food and has a massive overdraft. I have no afterdraft and pay all my bills and have pay left even though i earn less than half what he does.

I had my own homebred sportshorse who was my entire world, he was planned and wanted and I had soo many plans and he was my hopes and dreams and i had to sell him as i couldnt give him the time he needed as well as an unplanned and unwanted child. I now have no horses, dog, life or a hobby except looking after a child and get told off him im not allowed a horse or pony for daughter or a dog and hes he boss and I do as Im told. I honestly wish I had never woken up after having her.

 

[MummyEdgar]

I didnt want to read and run but your post concerned me, I think you seriously need to talk to someone, family friends or gp and make some changes. It's normal to feel a bit out if sorts and out of depth at the beginning but the way your post reads it seems like your issues might be more serious and need more help then people on a forum can give.

Wishing you all th best

 

[Les1504]

Oh gosh honey, first of all just wanted to offer you a hug I agree with above, it sounds like you need to talk to someone about how you're feeling. It sounds as though you've had a year and a half with no support and a serious lack of sleep! No offence but it sounds like you would be far better off without someone who is that selfish and self-centred xxx

 

[flaxen]

Ive tried leaving and he got social services involved telling them im an unfit mother and mentally unstable because I love my horse ( i had them first ) more than him and that he will take daughter off me, social services didnt agree but im stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ive had no help from him from day 1 despite having a c section with serious complications resulting in a severed artery and hip to hip incision, He never got up in the night on his paternity leave and I was up 23/24hrs with a sick baby and despite me being up all night he wouldnt get up before me even though he slept all night! When baby was less than a week old he went out on the piss for 10hrs leaving me on my own and came back barely able to stand and vomited all over the house leaving me to clean it up while he then spent the next 24hrs in bed.

My father lives the other side of the country and im surrounded by his family, my mum is local but she works with him and repeats to him anything I say to her.

 

[Emamay]

My OH works 6-4 days M,T, & W, comes home, plays with Cay a little bit, and is always there while I bath him/massage him (plays with him in the bath and keeps him occupied while I get his PJs on), then we put him to bed. Then he normally deals with dinner, although I do it on the odd occasion (spot the cook in our family... Lol) and I wash all Cays bottles/bowls/etc and get them sorted for the next day.

Thursday and Sunday, he's off work, so we both do stuff with Cay, and he'll have him on his own for an hour or so while I pick some housework to get done.

Fri and Sat, he works 5pm-4am, so doesn't get up until about midday. He'll take Cay for a coupla hours while I have some me time (like a nice long bath instead of a two-minute shower), and feed Cay either his lunch or tea depending.

So basically when OH is home, Cays time with us is pretty even, although I have more time with him at the minute because I'm still on maternity.
Once I go back to work in a coupla weeks, Cay will be in childcare two days a week, with me one day, OH one day, both of us one day, and split between for the other two days. Xx


Okay, so I wrote all that ^ this morning, and didn't get round to posting. Now I've seen your reply about how your life works.

So, my advice... Sit down with OH and seriously talk to him. Some time when your little girl isn't around. Arrange for her to be in nursery a bit longer, or go to granny's or something so you can really talk and clear the air.
Be calm, and tell OH what you've told us here. Lay out his shift patterns, and sleeping/"me" times, your work and sleep times, and explain how your daughter is up all night and you get no real sleep. Explain to OH that you're exhausted, and beginning to resent both him and your girl, and that you've reached the point where something drastically need to change.

You say your daughter was unplanned and unwanted. Was she always unwanted? Why did you keep her? Or do you say she's unwanted now because you're just physically and emotionally exhausted?
Cay was a surprise, but nothing in the world could make me want to change anything now he's here. Have you actually bonded with her, or is she just an inconvenience?
If she's genuinely unwanted, you may wish to think about adoption, so she can have the loving upbringing she deserves. If you are physically and emotionally unable to provide this, then she is missing out. There's no shame in admitting that you're struggling, and it may be a route you wish to consider.

If you actually do want her, but are just clouded at the moment due to your seemingly selfish partner, then you need to think about wether he has a place in your lives from here on. Yes, it would be hard to bring her up on your own, but at least you would KNOW you're on your own, and not continuously living in hope of help from someone who is apparently not prepared to give it.

You need to explain all this to your partner, and see where exactly he stands.

If you feel this is a conversation you can not have with him, then, I guess you have your answer there about where your future leads as a couple.

Ultimately, it seems to me that you are just completely drained, and in need of some help quick.

I would strongly suggest speaking to a professional, both alone and as a couple (if you decide to stay as a couple). They would be able to help you with time management, and communication, if nothing else.

I sincerely hope you find the answers you need xxx

 

[Emamay]

Also... Threats to leave won't work. You need to decide if you honestly want to leave, and then do so.

Assuming what you've told us is correct, social services will not take her off you. Xx

 

[Hunnie]

My OH works pretty much 24/6 (Sundays off) as he is self employed and kind of has to so we can have nice things and a nice house etc. When he isn't working he's sleeping and I totally respect that and he has all Sunday with the kiddies and sees LO in an evening after she has had tea and whilst he is
Home to have a shower and then go back out to work again. When he isn't working as much he pulls his weight an helps so much round the house.

If he was only working nights and wasn't helping at all during the day or spending time with LO then I would be absolutely furious!!!! My OH manages it and would love to not work as much so he could spend time with LO and I xx

 

[Hunnie]

Flaxen I remember from a while back you posting with a lot of problems. I'm pretty sure that was last year and you still don't seem happy! I think it's definitely time you sort out the negatives in your life ie. your OH as it's seriously not good for you health being so upset all the time life is seriously too short to be unhappy!!!! Xxx