TeeUK
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- Sep 21, 2010
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I really can't believe I am here it's like a terrible nightmare that I want to wake up from...trying hard to type but tears are flowing so hard...I feel like my heart is going to stop beating...
I have suffered many heartaches in my life....involving some of the worst things you can think of....as a result I have suffered depression most of my life
The worst thing imaginable happened 5yrs ago and I fell into a deep depression and started drinking and not sleeping...after a while I met my current partner and he put me back together so to speak.
We always wanted a child together but as he was 19 when I met him (he's 22 now, I'm 39) we decided to wait a few years....last year by accident we fell pregnant with twins...sadly at 11 weeks we were told babies died at 6 weeks. I never thought I would get over it.
Then this year we accidently got pregnant again, we were both scared as we had already lost twins and the first 12 weeks were the longest of our life! Time seemed to stand still...however when we went for our 12 week scan and saw our little babies heart beating away we sighed with relief....this time we would be ok...we allowed ourselves to plan, to dream, to think of names...I felt so very very happy and content...I wanted to be a mummy again so badly (my daughter is 18) and thought my dreams were coming true...
That brings me to hear and now...in this dark empty abyss where I feel like I'm suffocating in grief....if I stop to think, I feel I will die...I have gone from crying hysterically to doing housework and worrying about shaving my legs to crying hysterically again.....I don't feel sane, I don't feel like I'm on this planet...I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days...
The last two weeks I stopped feeling pregnant...I googled how I was feeling and was slightly comforted when a lot of women said they felt same way and were fine. But I knew in my heart something was wrong...as I searched endlessly for a heart beat with doppler I just knew....just like I knew both times before...I could almost pin point the day I felt my baby had died....if I could give any one advice it would be listen to your body...fk what midwife says, trust your body...if I had waited untill my 20 week scan like midwife told me to I could have ended up with a life threatening infection...so I was told at hospital.
When I went to see the doctor this morning she was wonderful, she did not fob me off like the midwife did, she took note of my concern and got me a hospital appointment straight away.
When I arrived it was a right cock up...I was sent upstairs, then down. then up then down finally....a lovely nurse said enough I will get you seen to here. I did have to wait hour and half to be seen because they were so busy...they took my blood pressure, urine sample and temperature then I went in for scan.
As I lay there waiting and watching the nurses faces I knew something wasn't right so I closed my eyes and started singing songs in my head to block it all out..she said 'are you sure your 16 weeks' I knew right them my baby was dead....then she said scanner wasn't working properly and I had to go to another room.
A long walk later we tried another scanner...same thing...not working properly...another long walk to another scanning room...I thought for fk sake it is working my baby is dead just tell me and let me go home...3rd time lucky....no...she is fumbling around saying..baby is facing us, it's in a weird position I can't see properly....I look at screen to see my tiny little baby curdled up in a ball....I am thinking...did he/she suffer...were they in pain curled up that way...another doctor comes in pushes so hard on my tummy I was to scream....she decided I need to go for a deep tissue scan as she can't confirm anything.....omg this is torture.....another long walk through a never ending corridor...with a nurse twittering away in my ear asking me stupid questions about pointless things...I get she was trying to distract me but I just felt like saying shut the fk up....I don't want to talk...I don't want to be here....I want to wake up...please let me wake up..
So we reach the final room...I lay there eyes closed, singing in my head, trying so hard to be somewhere else....after what seemed like forever she finally stopped and put her hand on my arm...'I'm sorry there's no heart beat baby died at 14 weeks'......'ok' I say coldly.....'are you ok' the nurse says....I think no I'm not ok, I will never be ok, what a stupid thing to ask....instead I snap coldly 'yes fine can I go now'...you have to see doctor first she says...
So back we walk through the long endless corridor, people staring...nurse still twittering away in my ear....it's ok to cry you know, you should cry, go on have a cry....fk off I don't want to cry, I want my baby, if I cry it's real...I'm not going to cry...but she keeps on until I break and just as we reach the lift and a load of people come out I crumble...I don't just cry, I wail, I scream, I sob hysterically all the while I am thinking...you b***h why did you make me cry....
I finally pull myself together enough to follow her to the waiting room where I fall into my dads arms crying hysterically once again....then my phone rings...omg it's my partner, he's home alone how can I tell him over phone I wanted to go home and tell him....I try so hard to stop crying before I answer but couldn't......as I break the terrible news to him I feel so guilty that he is home caring for puppies instead of being here with me where he wants to be...but in a way I am glad he didn't have to go through it, I want him to remember our baby the last time he saw it with it's little heart beating...not curled up in a ball dead...as I listen to him sob I know he is looking at our scan picture by the tv...my heart is breaking...
We wait over an hour to see doctor...she explains the options...can't have D&C as I'm too far gone....can't have a natural because infection might set it if nothing happens....only option left is medical management....she explains the procedure and I am not really listening....then I turn to my dad and say...I have to go shopping Thursday, will you take me....the doctor puts her hand on my arm...Tina are you not listening, you have to take a tablet, you will be in hospital Thursday....you have to be induced and give birth....
omg what...I can't...I can't give birth to a dead baby...how can I do that...suddenly reality kicks in and I am scared oh so very scared...
She explains how I will come back tomorrow and take a tablet...then 48rs later I will come in early and be given a vaginal pessary that will dilate me...once dilated I will go into labour and give birth...should take about 6 hrs if all goes well...then explains I could haemorrhage and end up in theatre but hopefully that won't happen...I am scared witless
So many questions...will it hurt alot...will I get to see baby...will they tell me if it's a boy or girl...what will they do with my baby afterwards...will they throw it away like trash???
I'm having crazy thoughts...I want to bring him/her home and bury them under our oak tree...even my puppies got to be buried...why not my baby...I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with that thought.
Even dog knows something is wrong she is sitting next to me crying and acting weird...she never does that...maybe she can sense my anguish...she doesn't like me crying
Why are my boobs suddenly hurting more so than they have in weeks...my body is tormenting me...I even thought I felt movement I am going insane...someone pinch, punch me please I want to wake up....
I have suffered many heartaches in my life....involving some of the worst things you can think of....as a result I have suffered depression most of my life
The worst thing imaginable happened 5yrs ago and I fell into a deep depression and started drinking and not sleeping...after a while I met my current partner and he put me back together so to speak.
We always wanted a child together but as he was 19 when I met him (he's 22 now, I'm 39) we decided to wait a few years....last year by accident we fell pregnant with twins...sadly at 11 weeks we were told babies died at 6 weeks. I never thought I would get over it.
Then this year we accidently got pregnant again, we were both scared as we had already lost twins and the first 12 weeks were the longest of our life! Time seemed to stand still...however when we went for our 12 week scan and saw our little babies heart beating away we sighed with relief....this time we would be ok...we allowed ourselves to plan, to dream, to think of names...I felt so very very happy and content...I wanted to be a mummy again so badly (my daughter is 18) and thought my dreams were coming true...
That brings me to hear and now...in this dark empty abyss where I feel like I'm suffocating in grief....if I stop to think, I feel I will die...I have gone from crying hysterically to doing housework and worrying about shaving my legs to crying hysterically again.....I don't feel sane, I don't feel like I'm on this planet...I don't know how I am going to get through the next few days...
The last two weeks I stopped feeling pregnant...I googled how I was feeling and was slightly comforted when a lot of women said they felt same way and were fine. But I knew in my heart something was wrong...as I searched endlessly for a heart beat with doppler I just knew....just like I knew both times before...I could almost pin point the day I felt my baby had died....if I could give any one advice it would be listen to your body...fk what midwife says, trust your body...if I had waited untill my 20 week scan like midwife told me to I could have ended up with a life threatening infection...so I was told at hospital.
When I went to see the doctor this morning she was wonderful, she did not fob me off like the midwife did, she took note of my concern and got me a hospital appointment straight away.
When I arrived it was a right cock up...I was sent upstairs, then down. then up then down finally....a lovely nurse said enough I will get you seen to here. I did have to wait hour and half to be seen because they were so busy...they took my blood pressure, urine sample and temperature then I went in for scan.
As I lay there waiting and watching the nurses faces I knew something wasn't right so I closed my eyes and started singing songs in my head to block it all out..she said 'are you sure your 16 weeks' I knew right them my baby was dead....then she said scanner wasn't working properly and I had to go to another room.
A long walk later we tried another scanner...same thing...not working properly...another long walk to another scanning room...I thought for fk sake it is working my baby is dead just tell me and let me go home...3rd time lucky....no...she is fumbling around saying..baby is facing us, it's in a weird position I can't see properly....I look at screen to see my tiny little baby curdled up in a ball....I am thinking...did he/she suffer...were they in pain curled up that way...another doctor comes in pushes so hard on my tummy I was to scream....she decided I need to go for a deep tissue scan as she can't confirm anything.....omg this is torture.....another long walk through a never ending corridor...with a nurse twittering away in my ear asking me stupid questions about pointless things...I get she was trying to distract me but I just felt like saying shut the fk up....I don't want to talk...I don't want to be here....I want to wake up...please let me wake up..
So we reach the final room...I lay there eyes closed, singing in my head, trying so hard to be somewhere else....after what seemed like forever she finally stopped and put her hand on my arm...'I'm sorry there's no heart beat baby died at 14 weeks'......'ok' I say coldly.....'are you ok' the nurse says....I think no I'm not ok, I will never be ok, what a stupid thing to ask....instead I snap coldly 'yes fine can I go now'...you have to see doctor first she says...
So back we walk through the long endless corridor, people staring...nurse still twittering away in my ear....it's ok to cry you know, you should cry, go on have a cry....fk off I don't want to cry, I want my baby, if I cry it's real...I'm not going to cry...but she keeps on until I break and just as we reach the lift and a load of people come out I crumble...I don't just cry, I wail, I scream, I sob hysterically all the while I am thinking...you b***h why did you make me cry....
I finally pull myself together enough to follow her to the waiting room where I fall into my dads arms crying hysterically once again....then my phone rings...omg it's my partner, he's home alone how can I tell him over phone I wanted to go home and tell him....I try so hard to stop crying before I answer but couldn't......as I break the terrible news to him I feel so guilty that he is home caring for puppies instead of being here with me where he wants to be...but in a way I am glad he didn't have to go through it, I want him to remember our baby the last time he saw it with it's little heart beating...not curled up in a ball dead...as I listen to him sob I know he is looking at our scan picture by the tv...my heart is breaking...
We wait over an hour to see doctor...she explains the options...can't have D&C as I'm too far gone....can't have a natural because infection might set it if nothing happens....only option left is medical management....she explains the procedure and I am not really listening....then I turn to my dad and say...I have to go shopping Thursday, will you take me....the doctor puts her hand on my arm...Tina are you not listening, you have to take a tablet, you will be in hospital Thursday....you have to be induced and give birth....
omg what...I can't...I can't give birth to a dead baby...how can I do that...suddenly reality kicks in and I am scared oh so very scared...
She explains how I will come back tomorrow and take a tablet...then 48rs later I will come in early and be given a vaginal pessary that will dilate me...once dilated I will go into labour and give birth...should take about 6 hrs if all goes well...then explains I could haemorrhage and end up in theatre but hopefully that won't happen...I am scared witless
So many questions...will it hurt alot...will I get to see baby...will they tell me if it's a boy or girl...what will they do with my baby afterwards...will they throw it away like trash???
I'm having crazy thoughts...I want to bring him/her home and bury them under our oak tree...even my puppies got to be buried...why not my baby...I'm finding it difficult to come to terms with that thought.
Even dog knows something is wrong she is sitting next to me crying and acting weird...she never does that...maybe she can sense my anguish...she doesn't like me crying
Why are my boobs suddenly hurting more so than they have in weeks...my body is tormenting me...I even thought I felt movement I am going insane...someone pinch, punch me please I want to wake up....
I cant even imagine what your going through right now. 
