Long term ttc and depression

[SugaryIris]

I’m sorry for a negative post but I need some thoughts.

We’ve been trying for over 2 years, I have pcos and dh is fine and we’ve had 3 chemical pregnancies.

I really do think I might be suffering from some sort of depression and I don’t know how to get out of this hole I find myself in.

I feel helpless, i get so upset that I can’t have a baby, ttc has taken over my life and I think about it all the time. I’ve tried taking a month off without using opks etc but still I am trying to work out if I ovulated, if we had enough sex, when my period will be due and when I can test. I tested this morning because I couldn’t get these thoughts out of my head and it was negative. I’m even scared of having a positive test because I don’t see how it could possibly last and I’m convinced I’d just have another chemical.

Now when I get upset I sometimes find myself fantasising about hurting myself (only for a moment) and yesterday when I was upset I scratched my wrists so hard at work to feel some kind of release I still had marks this morning although I didn’t draw blood.

I don’t know what to do. My fertility clinic has mentioned counsellors that they work with before but I wonder if anyone has used the service of someone like this and if so, was it helpful? I don’t really want to go to the drs or anything, they would probably just tell me I’m being dramatic or something.

I’m sorry for the rant I just don’t know how to stop feeling like this.

 

[xMillie]

It’s so bloody hard isn’t it.

I always find I feel worse at certain parts of my cycle.. thanks hormones. I feel so much anger when AF is due or here.

If your fertility clinic has counselling available to you I’d say try it. I never got to but I have heard it can really help.

x

 

[pupperino]

Aw so sad to read this ... I can't imagine how it feels to go beyond the two year mark as one year was bad enough. Many hugs

Definitely worth getting some help if you are struggling, the counsellors can give you alternative strategies to get that feeling of "release" that you were looking for when you wanted to hurt yourself. Wanting to hurt yourself might be a sign that things are getting too much for you at the moment. It's better to start getting better coping mechanisms earlier rather than later.

There is a depression self-test created by a well renowned research institute in Australia, this is the link if you wanted to give it a go: https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/clinical-resources/depression/depression-self-test ... I'm sure there is a UK equivalent, but I don't know what it is.

I hope things start to get better for you, and as always, hope that sticky bfp is around the corner x

 

[SugaryIris]

Thank you ladies, it is so much worse when I’m about to come on and I’m sure it’s my hormones sending me over the edge. I broke down and cried at work today, I feel so out of touch with my own emotions it’s unreal.

I think I’m definitely going to speak to a counsellor to see if they can help me with any coping mechanisms.

 

[MissJuly10]

Sending hugs to you, ttc is not easy by itself and of course given what you have been through I can only imagine the anxieties it can cause. I would definitely recommend seeing the clinic counsellor. Please don't ever feel alone or like your feelings are irrational. They're not. Sometimes just talking about it can be a huge help. My previous clinic had a counsellor and she was lovely. Definitely give it a go, you might need a few sessions before you feel better - the weight of TTC is a heavy one that takes time to process. Thinking of you. X

 

[soffphie]

Hi sugar
to be so flipping honest here i had begun self harming December last year and carried on for a long while.. and to be honest my tattoo was a form of self harm as i knew mentallly that to put that on me was stupid but i wanted to punish myself. i had to go to doctors in the end, i dont know what your situation is totally so i appologise but there is no reason why IVF will not work for you.

Have you tried myo inositol, its actually for PCOS but i was taking it for egg quality.?

Also the doctors will never say you are being dramatic when i went in i just cried, i was embarrassed of myself - not one second did she say dont be so silly she was trying to be comforting telling me the sperm count dont matter its movement etc etc

I really do feel for you tho as ive been there & with this one i am flipping terrified of the impact a miscarriage will have on me mentally as well

sending you three for luck and sending it from a person who thought they also had 0% chance xx

 

[pupperino]

Thank you ladies, it is so much worse when I’m about to come on and I’m sure it’s my hormones sending me over the edge. I broke down and cried at work today, I feel so out of touch with my own emotions it’s unreal.

I think I’m definitely going to speak to a counsellor to see if they can help me with any coping mechanisms.

Hope it helps. It takes time to heal and remember to be kind to yourself when you can. If you need to get that release again, squeeze some ice cubes in your hands. Hurts like hell but won’t damage your skin x

 

[chattychar1990]

This upsets me to read.
I think you should go ahead with the counselling, I think you have got to the point where you need it.
I really hope you Get your rainbow soon hun. You deserve this so much. Lots of love to you and I am always here for you xx

 

[Bambi42]

Hey @SugaryIris

TTC is so isolating and it all gets too much. I went to the counsellor during our IVF - my other half didn’t want to go- so the hour was just for me. I found it really helpful, having the space to talk and be listened to really helped. And it helped me figure things out in my head.
My friends all fell pregnant easily and whilst they do their best to support me they just don’t get it.
Don't be worried, the counsellor will have seen loads of women like us and be able to give you coping tools. Hang in there xx

 

[SugaryIris]

Thank you so much

Hey @SugaryIris

TTC is so isolating and it all gets too much. I went to the counsellor during our IVF - my other half didn’t want to go- so the hour was just for me. I found it really helpful, having the space to talk and be listened to really helped. And it helped me figure things out in my head.
My friends all fell pregnant easily and whilst they do their best to support me they just don’t get it.
Don't be worried, the counsellor will have seen loads of women like us and be able to give you coping tools. Hang in there xx

Thank you hun, I was scared that I wouldn’t be taken seriously and get told to ‘stop trying’ or ‘relax’ which I just can’t seem to do.

I came home and had a good crying session with my dh so I do feel a bit better but he doesn’t quite understand how I’m feeling so I do think I’m going to try and speak to someone to see if they can help me. It’s the time around my period that I just find so difficult.

 

[Bambi42]

I’m the same. Had a total meltdown last weekend before my period artived. My other half never really knows what to do beyond giving me a hug. Men like to ‘fix’ things and when they can’t I think the feel lost.

Let us know how you get on at the counselling. And be kind to yourself xx

 

[MoominGirl]

So sorry to be reading this. We tried for 3 years in total and I think it was about 2.5 years in I really started to struggle big time with everything on an emotional level and just really felt like I wasn't coping. I've never been particularly hormonal but around my period I was just a complete disaster. I'm not sure if it was hormones in my case or just genuine devastation that we were out yet again no matter how much I had tried to prepare myself for the inevitable.

For me, once I had to really start accepting that we would likely be having IVF (which we were very lucky to avoid in the end), I knew I needed to sort my head out. We did find a local fertility counsellor privately that I planned to see alongside treatment as I felt more comfortable with this rather than using the one provided by the clinic. We would only have got a couple of sessions under the NHS and our clinic was quite a distance away. I know you don't get NHS funded treatment in your area so might be worth looking for something similar. I didn't go through the GP as I couldn't face being sent to a general counsellor that had no idea about fertility.

Hope that helps.

 

[SugaryIris]

So sorry to be reading this. We tried for 3 years in total and I think it was about 2.5 years in I really started to struggle big time with everything on an emotional level and just really felt like I wasn't coping. I've never been particularly hormonal but around my period I was just a complete disaster. I'm not sure if it was hormones in my case or just genuine devastation that we were out yet again no matter how much I had tried to prepare myself for the inevitable.

For me, once I had to really start accepting that we would likely be having IVF (which we were very lucky to avoid in the end), I knew I needed to sort my head out. We did find a local fertility counsellor privately that I planned to see alongside treatment as I felt more comfortable with this rather than using the one provided by the clinic. We would only have got a couple of sessions under the NHS and our clinic was quite a distance away. I know you don't get NHS funded treatment in your area so might be worth looking for something similar. I didn't go through the GP as I couldn't face being sent to a general counsellor that had no idea about fertility.

Hope that helps.

Thanks Moomin, that’s really helpful, like you I don’t want to go to a general counsellor and the clinic is really far aware so their closest counsellor is 40 minutes by car. How do I go about finding a fertility counsellor that is closer to me? X

 

[MoominGirl]

Thanks Moomin, that’s really helpful, like you I don’t want to go to a general counsellor and the clinic is really far aware so their closest counsellor is 40 minutes by car. How do I go about finding a fertility counsellor that is closer to me? X

Honestly I just did a lot of googling as unfortunately it's really hard to get a personal recommendation for these things. I found one that was really close to work rather than home and was prepared to do evenings. I wanted a convenient location so that it wouldn't feel like a real effort just to attend in the first place as we were around an hour in the car to the fertility clinic and I knew I'd be less likely to stick with it and get the benefits from it.

Strangely enough it was more difficult to find someone who would see me outside of work which surprised me considering that so many couples struggling with fertility work full time.

 

[Bambi42]

@SugaryIris you could look up the websites of the private clinics near you & if they have a counsellor her name & photo might be on the website. You could then see if she works anywhere else. My counsellor only did 2 days at the clinic, the rest of the time she had her own practice x

 

[miamia]

you might also see whether online sessions are available. A few weeks ago I came across an article saying about online Reiki for pets. Nowadays I think many experts offer online sessions

 

[Alexis2017]

I have only just seen this post and made me feel so sad to read what your feeling but I felt very strong sadness and anxiety for a long time and still do.

I lost a good friend last year to suicide and it made me realise how much I wanted to still be here. I tried my best to make changes to my through processes and it wasn't easy. We then lost our cat of 15 years same week I started ivf.... It killed us bit we would both cry so badly missing her and we got her as our 1st furbaby.

I definitely had full blown depression when I had my 1st mc post ivf. I had pinned so much on it and I was unable to comprehend that that would happen after years of trying. I thought about how I could disappear and how good it would feel to fell nothing and to not feel the pain of wanting a baby for so long and the failure of not being able to make it happen.

I hit such a low point that I knew I had to dig my way back out the hole and get better to try again. I went to a ivf counceller and she have me some coping mechanisms and ways to improve my outlook and positivity. I was ashamed about needing help and haven't told anyone I went bar my husband. I went in to this 2md transfer a different person and stronger for it all be it anxious mess regarding worrying about everything being okay but the counseller def helped me to see things from a different perspective. I also did start accupuncture again which I found helped me and also yoga.... I wished I'd have went for more sessions even now but I am hoping with time I will start to feel better.She got me to answer questions about my life and my way of thinking which ultimately changed my answers in the long run.

It's the worst isolating experience and the women I know suffering this are the strongest women in the world. I may be pregnant but I fully understand all that your going through. I think even talking to someone and they just listen for a while helped me.... I didn't feel like I could really do that with my friends or family or feel they would understand enough to make me feel comfortable in doing so.

Please take care and thank you for opening up go us. We are all here for you.... Anytime x

 

[Kitana]

you might also see whether online sessions are available. A few weeks ago I came across an article saying about online Reiki for pets. Nowadays I think many experts offer online sessions

That's such a random comment.
I think @miamia is a bot.

 

[Outofsync]

Oh hun know exactly how you feel I saw a counsellor and am still seeing an ivf one now! I referred myself to gp we lost my mum really suddenly, had been ttc over 6 years at this point, I had piled weight on then discovered mother in law and father in law both had cancer I literally was like what next!! The counsellor was brilliant and I didn’t feel stupid at all it helped to talk to someone neutral and just vent and I always feel better afterwards like you say always around the time when I was due on I felt worse and if someone had a pregnancy announcement I’d defo book an extra session, I’m proof that miracles can happen!! If you ever need to talk send me a message big hugs xx

 

[Jezby]

We are all here for you, this forum is so supportive xx

It’s a tough journey & still no light or glimmer at the end for a lot of us. 3yrs ttc for us this month, hardest journey ever.

Lots of love xx