Joining you all!

[Penstraze]

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Hi! I found out yesterday Im pregnant, we're not sure exactly how far on cause my cycles have been abit all over the place since coming off pill its probably either just over 5 weeks or just over 9 weeks but the doctors booking me a dating scan to find out which he said will be sometime this month. Im quite embarrased now he was a nice older doctor and im sure I said f@ck and Sh@t when he showed me the test

I have always wanted to be a mum and hoped in the next couple of years my OH and I would be in the possition to have a baby but we really arn't right now moneywise, we were ment to be buying a house and getting married this year and wont be able to aford either now and I just dont know how we're going to cope!
Telling my OH was the most frightening thing I've ever had to do and to say he wasn't happy is an understatement! He has hardly spoken to me since and it feels like he cant bare to look at me right now! I'm so scared of losing him, theres no way I'd have an abortion he knows how I feel about this, he also knows that the diaphragm (what we've been using for last few months) isn't the best form of contraception, but medical problems ment we didn't have many options, I discussed the risks with him and how I'd try the coil again (I had lots of problem with it then it came out) if I had too but he said he didn't want to put me through that and if we got pregnant we'd deal with it but he seems to have forgotten all that now and just blames me! I have never felt so alone!

 

[reallyoldmum]

I just wanted to give you I am sure its just a matter of time and your OH will calm down (although it may not be a bad thing to remind him it actually takes 2 people to get pregnant you couldnt have done it all on your own!!!).

You could still get married if thats what you want - you dont have to have a huge and expensive wedding - the 2 of you could just go and get married on your own and then have a big blessing in a couple of years time with the dress and party and everything.

Give it a couple of days and I am sure everything will seem better - but try and relax and enjoy the wonderful thing that has happened.....

 

[Penstraze]

We were only discussing a small registry office do any way but im really not sure right now if he wants to marry me at all, yesterday he said if I wanted it (baby)I was on my own but he was very worked up then and seems to have calmed down since, Im hoping he might tell his Mum today and that will help shes always good at making him see things arn't as bad as he thinks.

Thanks for the hugs I need them, I always imagined us deciding to have a baby in a few years and telling him I was pregnant would be a happy thing and we wouldn't be able to wait to tell people but right now I dont want to even tell my parents or close friends and have them know that right now I have no idea whether Im going to end up a single mum homeless and with no money although having someone to talk to would probably help!

 

[reallyoldmum]

Gosh sweetheart, are you close to your mum? I would tell her - its not as if this is someone you have just met, you were talking about getting married so she wont be that surprised you are having sex Mum's are wonderful things and she will hopefully help you get it into perspective. I do know in this country today you will not be left homeless if you have a baby - my cousin was in a similar position and although she had to go into a hostel for a couple of weeks they very soon found her a nice house and she got some help towards buying baby essentials.

I have been a single mum although my children were older and believe me women are amazing people, once you get that baby in your arms you will move heaven and earth for it..... I am sure it wont come to that but if he is not man enough to stand by you he will be the one that looses out you are about to have the most precious gift this life can give you.

Be gentle with yourself and get talking to either your mum or someone else you trust and are close to x x x x x x

 

[Penstraze]

Im not ready to talk to my Mum shes not great at keeping secrets, I will tell her soon but when I things are less up in the air, my sister recently got pregnant and had an abortion (monday just gone) which upset me alot, and when I found out and talked to Mum about it and how I didnt think I could even have kids (have had alot of problems with abdominal pains and my hormones) and she offered to have one for me if it ever came to that and said I'd be an amazing mum so I know she'd be happy for me but I want to be happy myself before telling her and I don't want to give her more worry and upset so soon after my sister!
I am very close to my Dad, and talk to him about most things and he is wonderful at keeping things to himself so may call him later.
Thankyou for all your suport it really helps to talk to someone!

 

[reallyoldmum]

You are welcome sweetheart - PM me if you ever need too.

By the way Dads are great too - mine is the same will listen and be practical - just talk to someone hey as I think you need the support in the real world at the moment x x x x

 

[Rosebay]

Congratulations hun!

sorry to hear about your OH and his problem accepting it. Men are funny when it comes to the whole baby thing, it may just take him some time to adjust. I think sometimes their first reaction is to feel trapped somehow which is silly as he is about to marry you anyway although I think that these days a baby seems more permenant than marriage somehow!!

Money-wise it all depends on how much each of you earn and whether you go back to work etc. We don't earn much at all, I only work one morning a week and my OH is on 17k but we get working tax credit and family tax credit because we're on a low income and that helps us pay the bills so that we're actually ok. A lot of things you used to spend your money on go when you have a baby anyway- going out costs, drinking money, expensive holidays etc- you'll be surprised how much that all adds up.

We got married 7 years ago now but we were buying our house at the time so we didn't want to spend the money on the wedding so we had a very small wedding that cost £1k at the time but it was really special. Marriage is about more than just the day anyway

I would try not to get too upset by your OH's ranting right now and just give him some space to work it all out. His mum sounds good so send him round there. You need to look after yourself- even if he doesn't come round it really is his loss, you have a very special person inside you now and that's the really important thing.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents- I would tell your Dad by the sounds of it- you need a real hug as well as a virtual one and someone who is also very well able to understand the "Dad" side of things too will be helpful too I reckon!

Take care and welcome, we're always here if you need to talk
+++

 

[Penstraze]

Thankyou!!

Congratulations hun!
It sounds like you have a great relationship with your parents- I would tell your Dad by the sounds of it- you need a real hug as well as a virtual one and someone who is also very well able to understand the "Dad" side of things too will be helpful too I reckon!

Take care and welcome, we're always here if you need to talk
+++

My Dad is currently coming to terms with being a Dad again, his wife is over 20 weeks pregnant with their first together so he is only too aware of the "Dad" side of things right now! lol Unfortunately I live quite away from all my family especially my Dad so a much needed hug isn't going to happen anytime too soon (all I want is my OH to hug me right now but he's avoiding being near me!) but I arranged awhile ago to meet up with a close friend monday so will at least get a hug then, although feel bad about telling her im pregnant and being upset over it when she has been trying for a baby for over a year and has been told she probably wont be able to concieve!

 

[MissSara]

I don't know what to really say to you hun, but CONGRATS on your pregnancy and i'd like to give you these

 

[Redshoes]

Congratulations Penstraze
I think your OH is being quite out of order and childish, not only because he should be there for you and his baby right now, but because before getting pregnant he was well aware of the chances of getting pregnant and that if you did he'd be happy.

I'd say, try not to mind his sulking, he will have to get over it and deal with it at some point, you enjoy the pregnancy, and the feeling of joy its bringing you, don;t let him spoil that for you

I do understand it must be terribly difficult, but only he can change his attitude and behavious, and you can try not to let him bring you down. Talk to ladies on here, friends or family, people who will be happy for you and support you.

 

[Sydneysmum]

Congratulations. You may have mixed feelings at the moment about your future but whatever happens, you have the welfare of your little one to think about now and I found that it changes everything (my husband left me when I was 8 months pregnant first time arouind). Some men just get a bit overwhelmed by the whole fatherhood thing and your other half may come round after he's had time to go to his 'cave'. Some men also panic about money and as he might see the baby as an obsticle to you getting married and buying a house - it might take him a while to get used to the changed dynamic in your relationship.

I also had a problem with the coil when it was removed so I can understand that it's not for everyone!

Good luck and remember you're not alone. Use the support around you and you'll be fine - I also found that I had an unexpected amount of strength, resilience and independance when it came to the crunch!

Btw with a name like Penstraze are you from Cornwall? I'm a Cornish girl in self imposed exile at the moment.

 

[Mildly]

I'd like to say congratulations too and give you a I'm sure your OH will come round, he will just need a bit of time to get used to the idea.

 

[mandspice]

Congratulations

The things is, there's never a right time to have a baby - financially no one's ever really in the right position. Unless you're 100% sure of your future fertility it's difficult to say "let's wait". I'm sure your OH will come round and in the meantime focus on looking after yourself and lil one xx

 

[Steelgoddess]

Yah fabulous news!!!

Congrats! I hop things work out for you...

xxx

 

[mrs_metal]

Congratulations on your pregnancy

I'm really sorry your OH reacted that way, like the others have said he may just need time to get used to the idea. I hope he comes round soon but even if he doesn't you'll find the strength to cope.

A relative of mine had been trying for a year, finally got pregnant and her husband just couldn't cope with it and walked out when she was 7 months pregnant. It was very hard for her but baby is 18 months old now and she's doing fantastically, she found strength she didn't know she had and so much more confidence. The ex now realises what a tw@t he was but it's too late for him she's moved on.

Hopefully your partner will come to his senses much sooner

Good luck and look after yourself

 

[Penstraze]

Thank you all, the support means so much right now!
The weekend has been hard going, my OH has come around to me more and we're talking about things now but he's still very upset and angry about the pregnancy, and how it means we cant afford all the things we were looking forward to this year, getting Married, buying a house and going to Tenerife for xmas, he feels very depressed (and is ill which doesnt help) he offered to buy me a large when we got takeaway last night as im eating for two, and asked if he could tell his friend this morning, where yesterday he said he didn't want anyone to know so Im still hopeful (perhaps nievely) that he will come round once he's got his head around it all.

I spoke to my Dad yesterday he was brilliant so suportive and really helped me put things in perspective, I also think the fact hes not annoyed at Mark for taking it so badly and knows how he feels and says theres nothing that can prepair you for the love you feel for your own child and that hes a good bloke and will be a good Dad and is just in shock, I told him this and he seemed really taken back, I told him he'd be a great Dad if he gives it a chance and he said he is giving it a chance he's not going any where he's just worried our relationship might not be strong enough to cope and that he will always feel this depressed about it!

Btw with a name like Penstraze are you from Cornwall? I'm a Cornish girl in self imposed exile at the moment.

I come from Bristol but have been in Cornwall for awhile now, the name is quite a give away isn't it

 

[Neev]

I am so pleased that he has started to talk about it a little now and contemplating telling his friend. When pregnancy is a surprise we can adjust to it very well and think of things constructively, men can be quite unpredictable especially if they feel that the baby is "getting in the way" of their plans. It sounds like he does feel that this is happening a little early and he isnt against the idea in the future. However he has to realise which he will in time that this is happening NOW so he has to be there for you. You guys are discussing marriage and buying a house so I doubt it that he will leave you or even force you to make any decision which is against your will.

Take each day as it comes and talk to him about normal things. Let him see that you being pregnant does not change "US". Men have tunnel vision, anything that causes more than one confusion can head them to confusion land and isolation land. He will be thinking of this every minute of the day and I am sure that in a matter of days he will get used to the idea and begin planning things with you.

Usually the first scan melts them. So try to see if until the first scan you can both carry on as normal, enjoy your time together and whenever he brings up these issues of question mark give him the two options of if we have a baby this is what we could do, if we dont have a baby now this is what the difference would be. This is just for him to feel that he is also part of the decision making process and gets rid of his ego (if he has any). It looks like he loves you and you love him, so knowing that as a platform allow him 7-10 days to get used to the idea and during these 7-10 days you have the highest level of patience with him and strength to get through it and all will be well.



Take care of yourself and dont stress too much. You need your happy spirit for the little one

 

[Penstraze]

Thankyou, everyone has been so lovely!

Well we seem to have had a total turn around, he asked his mum earlier if she was looking forward to being a gran she burst into tears and said how worried she was about us and he told her we were going to be fine and we loved each other so would be ok, he has washed my car this afternoon and is talking about bringing our wedding forward before the baby gets here! I know there will probably still be hard times ahead but is looking more positive

 

[debecca]

That's great news hun!

 

[babydust]

congratulations and im glad your oh has come round now