It feels like such punishment

[kellysomer]

Hello,

I have been reading this forum for some time now and finally have the guts to write my story.

I am 24 and engaged to the most wonderful man in the world, we are hoping to marry at christmas, whos 29 whom i love dearly, he has a 4 year old son from a previous marriage. We have been trying for a baby for a year this month and so far nothing has happened. I was on the depo provera jabs for a few months as i have had terrible probs with my periods in the past, i have fits and blackouts. It was never used for contraception but as a last ditch hope to sort out the problems following all sorts of painkillers.

My best freind has a 5 day old baby boy and is doing really well, i have struggled throughout her pregnancy to control my sadness as we started trying to conceive at the same time (she already has 2 boys) every month passed and she got bigger and bigger and now the baby has been born i am still wating. We got invited to see him for the first time last night and i couldnt go, i had to make up a story about being ill as i couldnt bring myself to see him. It would have destroyed me so i didnt go and sent my OH to drop off the pressie and card.

When he returned he had bumbed into his ex wife and she had broken the news that she is 8 weeks PG, she hadnt planned it and wanted no more children with her new partner. The OH took it very well but yet again i boke down in tears. She picks up my step son 3 times a week (he lives half with us and half with his mum) how can i face her and not cry? How can i endure 9 months of the friend talking babies and a 4year old talking about his little bro/ sis to be?

I cry as write this as life seems so unfair. We really want a baby and others dont even have to try to get PG.

To make things worse the my doctor has given me until end of April to get normal period and/ or PG and then they will do tests. I have had to wait a year for this and now i am scared and dont know what 'test's' to expect.

How can i gather the strength to put up with seeing everyone around me with babies or PG? To top things off two months ago i had a very early suspected miscarriage which was horrible to go through, i know there is nothing wrong with my fiance as he has a son it must be me?

Why is it only me that takes months to conceive?

 

[Louise]

Hi Kelly,

I'm so sorry to hear of the hard time you are having. Please don't feel you are alone - I'm sure you've already read a lot of the posts on here and have seen that there are a number of ladies in the same predicament.

I'm unable to give advice on the length of times it's taken you so far, or the tests you may need to undergo. My current position being that I got pregnant fairly easily (2months after coming off pill), but then miscarried at 8 weeks. I'm now waiting for my damn body to get back into some sort of rhythm so that we can start trying again.

All I will say though is that, whilst you feel your suspected early miscarriage is a bad thing - you could also turn it to a positive. It shows that you CAN get pregnant!!!!!

Take care, good luck and I wish you all you dream for.

 

[Tamaryn]

Hi Kelly,
I understand what it's like to be surrounded by ladies who seem to have no trouble at all in conceiving. I have friends, work colleagues, neighbours... (the list goes on) who all seem to fall pregnant at the drop of a hat. Please know that you're not on your own! Believe that things will happen when thay are meant to happen, and in the meantime try not to get too stressed - not easy, I know! Look after yourself (eat a balanced diet, exercise gently, get enough sleep) and enjoy the preparations for your wedding. You may find that focusing on something other than ttc'ing may even increase your chances of being successful! Take care and good luck with it all!

 

[kellysomer]

Thank you both so much, your kindness has once again reduced me to tears.

It all just takes so long, am i alone in spotting all the pregnant people about, am i more aware as i am thinking of it. Why does everyone i drive by have a pram or pushchair? Every period (albeit irregular) is like a big let down.

I will have to grit my teeth when the OH ex comes to pick up Cameron, i just hope i can hold back the tears. I feel like a big weeping wally.

Blame it on the hormones.

Is there a chat room on this site i really think it would help to talk?

 

[Lindsay]

hi there

I am so sorry to hear about your sadness. I too have been TTC for the past 9 months and nothing has happened for me either. My DH and I waited until we got married in july before TTC but I have been broody for a lot lot longer.

When I first began to get broody, my best friend announced that she was PG - her daughter is now 1 years old. I didn't take this too badly becasue I thought my time will come, however now I am really struggling to come to terms with it not happening for me. During the 9 months that I have been TTC, another friend had a baby boy who is now 5 months old (and adorable), my DH cousin has had a baby boy, who is now about 2 months old and his other cousin has just announced that she is PG and expecting a baby in September. Aswell as all these family members, 2 work colleagues have had babies and another is due next month.

The cousin who has a baby boy of 2 months came to visit when he was just a couple of weeks old (they live out of the area) and we were asked to go and see the baby, well I desperatly didn't want to go, but my DH was adamant that we had to go along, so I did and was polite but when we left I broke down into tears and explained that it was so painful seeing others with their babies ..... I fully sympathise with how you are feeling, I really do. I don't resent others who are lucky enough to get PG I really don't, I just wish that it could be me.

Since coming off the pill my AF have ranged from between 52 - 33 days well this month I have had a strange AF but it was 28 days so I am hoping that my body is balancing out. I have made a promise to myself to remain positive and strong about it all, I keep thinking that my time will come and when it does I will be the most happiest woman alive !!

Xxx

 

[Helen]

Hi Kelly

You're definitely not alone on this one!

I tried for 18 months with my ex (boy am I glad now that didn't happen!) and have been TTC with my wonderful, fab bloke for 4 months. It's still early days for us in TTC, but I can feel some of the loopy feelings returning!

I am about to become a Great Auntie which feels totally unfair. (I was supposed to be first, wasn't I?) I try to avoid all talk of babies other than here or with a couple of trusted friends. All my work colleagues think that I am a hard-nosed career woman who hates children. I guess I cause that with the whole "avoidance" tactic!

My partner is sooo lovely and understanding, he cuddles me when I need to cry about it (like I was earlier) and tells me our time will come, but men just don't have broodiness in the same way, do they? Mind you, I'm not sure I understand broodiness? If someone said to me "why do you want children?", I don't know the answer. It just feels like some weird basic, primeval instinct. I have to... (that sounds loony!)

I feel really, really guilty because I can't feel 100% happy for anyone who announces they're PG. Even a friend of mine who had been TTC for 3 years!

People with kids say "ohhh you've done the right thing, don't have kids". I have a good job, a nice house, I drive a sports car and have 2 holidays a year. Yet I would give all that up tomorrow for a child. It all just feels so superficial and pointless.

I read on another posting, perhaps nature does this to you so that you appreciate it more when it does happen. I don't know about you, but "I'M READY NOW!!!!!!!"

Wibble.....

Loonie rant over with (ahem)

Baby dust to all of us being driven crazy by the baby bug

 

[kellysomer]

Thank you , isnt your commewnt so true Helen, you just want kids because ...... you do!!!! Well the ex wife came to pick him up this morning and i was fine, i gritted my teeth and didnt bring up the subject, i got a weird look for staring but didnt mean to. I just wanted to see if you could see anything bump wise yet? You cant (shes only 9 weeks) i think the real hurt will come when the bump does!!

The step son still hasnt been told yet so not had a continuous speel from him. My hormones seem to have settled a bit at the moment so i am just BD all the time and fingers crossed.

All this egg white thing doesnt seem to work with me i havent noticed anything like that so its really hard to guess when is a good time to try. Does anyone else find this?

I have make a doc app next week before they start doing tests (finally they made me try for a whole year first!) which means i will have to do a test before i go to make sure its not already happened!!!!!

Baby dust to all, i love that expression. Were all in the same boat along with many many more im sure so that keeps me hopeful knowing we are thinking of each other!

Good luck!

 

[moonpiesb]

I am so glad to finally have a forum to see what others are going through!

I understand how you feel about just "needing" to be a mom. I have been trying to conceive naturally and have now resorted to a sperm donor. A friend asked me the other day if I wanted a boy or a girl.....all I could say is that "I want to be some one's Mommy!". I don't care if it is a boy or a girl. Heck, I don't care if it comes out orange, purple, or green at this point. I just want a baby.

I am the youngest of three children. My brother is 11.5 years older than me and my sister is 10 years older than me. My brother and his wife have six children together (he has three, she has two, and they adopted one) ranging in ages from 29-13. I tell you all of this to let you know that I completely understand how you feel when you see other people that are PG. I am a Great-aunt three times over, and my niece is pregnant again. Her baby shower was this past Saturday and it was all I could do to sit there and not burst into tears. I am VERY happy for her, but I am also very jealous. How childish does that make me sound? My brain knows that I shouldn't feel this way, but my heart can't seem to get over these feelings. Any one know a prayer/mantra that I can recite to help me feel better?

 

[Kim]

Hi Moonpiesb

Do you mind me asking how old you are?

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

I am 33. I know that on the cosmic scheme of things that is only a blink....but I feel so old when talking about trying to conceive my first child.

 

[Kim]

Hi

33 is not old at all. My mum had me at 34 with no problems she had more difficulty conceiving my brother when she started trying at 27. I'm only 23 and having a bit of trouble (been trying since Christmas) I know it's not that long but I expected to get pregnant within a day of trying - how naive!!

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

Kim,

I just joined this forum last night and read your (at least I think it is your's) post "Very early symptoms...." I made a very long reply. I was feeling OVERLY stressed. I just re-read it and it sounds like I am a mad woman. And to be perfecly honest, at moments I do feel "mad". I go from upbeat to down in the dumps in a matter of minutes. Is it hormones or is it just simply my emotions being so over taxed? It does help to know that there are other people out in the world going through similiar situations.

 

[Kim]

Hi

Don't worry about it, I am crying one minute and fine the next, I even had a phantom pregnancy last month. I was so convinved I was PG that I even told a couple of people that I might be. I felt such a fool when my AF came. It happened at work and I had to try so so hard not to cry in front of my colleagues. It was truly awful.

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

You are a stronger person than I am.....when I found out (AF arrived) that my first insemination didn't work I was at work as well. I fell to pieces. I hid out in the bathroom and cried for over an hour. Thank God I work for a very good company and they all completely understood. I am sure they were all thinking I had completely lost it, but they were all very kind. I am so emotionally strained that I cry or get furious over the littlest things. I keep telling myself that I just need to take things one day at a time and I am trying, but one day at a time seems like an eternity when you are waiting on something?!?!?!

 

[Kim]

I agree

I have been told by my colleagues that I have been a bit aggressive lately. I cannot see it at all but I know it's down to the fact that I am stressing over TTC. I know it's not good to stress and you have a better chance if you don't 'try' but how on earth can you not try when it's what you want more than anything else in the world?!

I can't keep it off my mind and it's driving me mad!!

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

I so understand how you feel!!!!! I feel like I could "chew on the furniture" most of the time! I tell my self not to stress/worry and then find myself stressing about not stressing/worring. It is a viscious circle. I have a disadvantage under most women on here. I am using IUI....so therefore, if I am having it done I am only doing it for one reason and one reason only. I can't try to imagine it is just for sheer fun and then be surprised if it takes. I am waiting on either BFP or AF from that moment on. I told my mom the other day that I wish I could just sleep from the moment I have it done until it is time to find out either way. I am going to cause myself to stroke out if I am not careful.

 

[Kim]

Hi

I'm just the same, from the day of AF I want to sleep until it's due again (havent quite figured out how I would actually conceive if that happened yet though!!) and it just seems so unfair of mother nature to make us endure these 2 week waits every month. If our cycles were shorter it would be a lot easier. I'm becoming so obsessed with it all I feel my life is passing me by cos I live in a TTC bubble!!

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

I know how you feel. I work a four week schedule and my cycle is right at 28 days....so I live my life four weeks at a time not matter what.

I have never been so in touch with what is actually going on inside my skin. I feel every little (possibly even imagined) twinge in my abdomen. It is hard for me to even concentrate most of the time.

Lately I have been having the craziest dreams and I am sure it is all due to stress, but they are getting the best of me. I have even began to worry about having a miscarriage and I am not even pregnant yet. How crazy is that? I honestly believe that if I don't conceive soon I am going to have to be put on some sort of nerve pill to calm me down. My nerves are a wreck!!!! Any ideas on how to just "relax"?

 

[Kim]

Hi

Unfortnatley I cannot advise on relaxing as I am the same as you. I think if you look at the statistics it makes you feel better to know that most people do concive eventually, even if it takes a little while. Do you have to pay a lot for your treatment?

Kim xx

 

[moonpiesb]

I won't complain too much...I would never want my child to think that at one point I considered giving up because it was costing me too much money or that I ever thought that every cent that I have spent is not worth it. I know that WHEN (not if, but when [power of positive thinking]) I conceive I won't care if I have spent every last dime that I have, but I will say that the "old fashioned way" (BDing) is a whole lot cheeper and more enjoyable!!!! After my first imsemination, and I mean as soon as I was walking out of the dr's office, I wasn't sure that I would/could ever do it again. That had to be the most painful physical experience of my entire life. The second time wasn't so bad. It was no walk in the park, but it was more tolerable. So all in all, the money hasn't been too bad and the pain hasn't been lethal, but I will be glad when I can honestly say that it has all been worth it.