Insecurities and Porn

[raisingingrid]

My boyfriend and I planned our first pregnancy, and got pregnant right away after getting off birth control. We had normal-frequent sex almost every day, if not, every other day. After we found out I was pregnant, things were still normal...but I felt so sick and didn't have energy or motivation to even have sex or do anything else of that nature. I entered the second trimester 6 weeks ago and my sex drive has increased 1,000%!!!!!! For some reason, my boyfriend just isn't into having sex as much as we used to and he even rejects me when I tell him I want to have sex. It hurts my feelings SO bad and he says it's because there's a baby in my stomach and it just doesn't feel right. I am so self-conscious about my body transforming into a home for the growing baby....gaining a little weight, having a baby bump, ect, and that is why my feelings are crushed when he says he just "isn't in the mood and doesn't want to have sex" My second concern: he works super hard and when the weather is bad or snowing, they can't work, so he stays home. He LOVES porn and I know he watches it and gets off while doing it. How do I know? I turn to full investigator mode. Why does he watch porn and pleasure himself when he can just have sex with me after I get home from work...he knows I ALWAYS want it. Is it normal for guys to watch porn and not just have sex with their pregnant girlfriend? Should I feel heart-broken and hurt because he wont have sex with me because he's "exhausted and not in the mood?" I need to fill my needs too, and I don't watch porn. I just want him. Any advice?

 

[scn]

Some men just find it too weird to have sex when there's a baby in there lol.
Can you suggest that you watch porn together and it may lead onto something that'll satisfy you both?

 

[raisingingrid]

I think it is just so weird they're turned off by something like that!! I even reassured him that it was normal to have sex and still no-go. I may ask to watch with him...we have before about a year ago and that was it..it did lead to us having sex....but I wasn't pregnant. Maybe I'll try...the fear of rejection is pathetic! lol! Thank YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!

 

[SiameseCatLady]

Yes, try watching together.
Also, as you progress in pregnancy, it might change... How many weeks are you?
Could you show him articles on the subject?
There are loads!

 

[lilcurly]

Watching porn is perfectly fine in our house, for both of us. It's even encouraged in some ways. There have been many conversations regarding it and my partner has my support to do so as and when he feels the need. My partner has a high sex drive and I'm more of a hot and cold person, some days I want it some days I don't. As for sex and pregnancy, it perfectly fine to have sex and (as much as we don't want to bruise out men's egos) they can't touch the baby while it's in there. Try watching porn together, or on your own. The orgasm with help strength your pelvic floor muscles so it's a winwin situation. Have you ever argued about porn before? Xxx

 

[raisingingrid]

I'm 18 weeks today. I do read him articles, and he does a ton of his own research, too. He was even at the doctor's appointment when the doctor said that sex was completely normal (unless complications). I'm going to wait for the right time to bring up the porn and watching it together.

 

[raisingingrid]

We have never gotten into an actual fight about porn, because I don't bring it up...I don't want to find and argue over something so small (according to him). However, I did get super angry (and let him know) when I was laying in bed waiting for him and 2 hours passed; I walked out and he just got done watching porn and getting off.....I was not happy for the mere fact I was 20ft away from him and he didn't just come have sex with me. Can I ask why/how you are okay with your other half watching porn? Does it make you jealous that he doesn't want you? Does it do it while you're home or when you're away? I have never had a boyfriend that liked porn as much as my current one so I have never had to deal with it like I am now. I have watched porn a few times while he was working out of town...and it satisfied me...but it's not a real deal...and I love the real deal lol!

 

[Blueclass]

Im so the other way since being pregnant my hubby has not had alot of sex. I just cant be arsed and iv put weight on and dont feel sexy at all. The thought of sex makes me feel sick lol. I do hive in every now and then but i imagine what im reading is kinda how he feels. I agree maybe try watching it together. I would also say just have it out with him twll him how your feeling and say its unfair if his going to wank of to porn whilst your left frustrated. My OH is pretty good and dont go on but he did before i broke down and said how i felt. Maybe if you do the same he will understand.
Good luck

 

[raisingingrid]

I completely know where you're coming from!!! I don't feel sexy AT ALL....my boobs...my butt...ugh! But still, that shouldn't make a difference on HIS part...especially when he always wanted it..I think if it continues for much longer, Im going to tell him how i feel and what it does to my ego. I already tried to tell him how I felt but I am so emotional right now all I did was sob and sob and sob.....I thought that would be a hint enough. lol!!

thank you!!!

 

[lilcurly]

We have never gotten into an actual fight about porn, because I don't bring it up...I don't want to find and argue over something so small (according to him). However, I did get super angry (and let him know) when I was laying in bed waiting for him and 2 hours passed; I walked out and he just got done watching porn and getting off.....I was not happy for the mere fact I was 20ft away from him and he didn't just come have sex with me. Can I ask why/how you are okay with your other half watching porn? Does it make you jealous that he doesn't want you? Does it do it while you're home or when you're away? I have never had a boyfriend that liked porn as much as my current one so I have never had to deal with it like I am now. I have watched porn a few times while he was working out of town...and it satisfied me...but it's not a real deal...and I love the real deal lol!

Hi Hun, I'm okay with it because I understand that sometimes he just fancies getting off and sometimes I'm not in the mood. If I stopped him from relieving himself it wouldn't be fair. It doesn't make me jealous at all to be honest. I encourage porn/masturbation because it is a natural part of our relationship. We have been together for 7 years and marry next month porn has been encouraged from the very start. I know what you mean by not feeling sexy at the mo. I'm almost 15 weeks with twins and I feel gross. But I made sure my partner knows I'm feeling unattractive and he makes sure I know that I am still beautiful to him and most of the time that doesn't involve sex. Personally I think your partner is replacing and that isn't fair on either of you. I think there is a big difference between casual porn and masturbation and doing it all the time. If my partner started doing it all the time I would certainly be asking questions as to why we aren't having sex as I would want to rectify the situation. But his reasons aren't valid from what you've said. Maybe you need to sit him down and have a very serious conversation about your future together. Did he masturbate much before you got pregnant? Xx

 

[fairyprincess]

I think you just need to speak to him about how you're feeling and reassure him that he can't hurt the baby etc. Definitely try the watching porn together idea. He needs to make the most of you feeling horny, maybe joke with him about how towards then end/when baby arrives you prob won't be feeling that way.

I'm another that's been feeling the opposite. We haven't had sex in ages due to recurring thrush and just not feeling up for it. I try to satisfy him in other ways and he understands that I'm just not interested at the mo. I'm happy for him to watch porn etc in his own time x

 

[raisingingrid]

Yes. The last thing I want to happen is for him to replace me completely with watching porn. I don't think that will happen since I am home most of the time that he is and knows I don't appreciate it when I am home. I am most definitely not completely against it...because I do watch for myself when I have to. As far as I know, I don't think he masturbated as much, or if any before I was pregnant because we had sex quite frequently. His job is extremely strenuous and says that he is tired all the time, so we don't have sex at night as much as we used to....but I don't recall that that was the case before I was pregnant. It's just really exhausting for me, laying in bed wondering if he wants to have sex or if I should start or say something because I don't want to get rejected. He also said that he would have sex when he wanted to or when he felt like it. That just makes me feel like he is in control of our whole relationship which isn't healthy in my eyes. I plan on having a serious conversation with him when he is in a good mood and if this lasts much longer. I like porn, and have nothing against it..and I have watched it before, but I need my needs met too, and porn helps, but sex completely satisfies me..and i think he knows that. Thank you for your response!

 

[raisingingrid]

I think joking with him about not being able to have sex for quite some time after the baby is born is a really good idea...because we do laugh a lot and we are very funny people that like to joke, so that may help. Have you talked to him about you not being in the mood for sex? Does he understand? I'm trying to be patient with myself and understand where he is coming from, but it is really hard for me because it seems like a switch just flipped and he feels completely different about sex.

 

[DanniiM85]

My partner is the same.
We havnt had full penetrative sex for months.
He is too scared of hurting baby and gets freaked out now my stomach touches his!
This did get me down for a short while but now I don't care because I can't be bothered to do the deed nor shave my legs and vaj!
I know he watches porn and pleasures himself (as do I) and that's perfectly normal and heathy in my eyes!
Just make sure you're honest with your feelings and talk!
D x

 

[raisingingrid]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU sooooo much for your response.

When we first got together, we had sex on the regular. He wanted it, I wanted it...even if it was multiple times in a day. Since we have been together for almost a year now..we have sex regularly, but ever since I got pregnant, I have noticed a huge change in his sex drive. At first, since my tummy wasn't as big as it is now, we still had sex...I think because he couldn't tell I was pregnant, so all was good. It hurts my feelings soooo bad still...but I am slowly coming to acceptance of it...I am not a patient person. Did it really get you down at first when you didn't have sex as much? I come to the point of crying and being in a sad/depressed mood the whole next day when he rejects me. Do you watch porn alone? Or is he home? I like to watch porn, but I love sex even more..its just more satisfying for me...and I would think that would be the same for my OH since I know he likes to have sex, too. Im learning very very slowing that I have to be on his time now when he is ready to have sex...and I can just be happy that he still loves me and cuddles and kisses me and wants to be with me. Having a strong sex life is very important to me, just because I see it as having an unsaid compliment between partners. It would be super nice to not have to shave legs or vag...but I do still because I want him to be turned on to me....

I appreciate your post..I have been waiting to hear from someone who can completely relate to me!

 

[DanniiM85]

It did get me down to the point I was crying like a baby in front of him!
I called him a selfish lover after he allowed me to satisfy him and receiving little more than a boob squeeze, and i think that was the point when we realised it was a problem and it needed airing as his actions were affecting me, but it certainly helped the situation.
We have always talked and been very open about our feelings but I closed up about it because i genuinely thought it was me!
We did try to have sex but it got to the point where he was only using the tip and I found it unsatisfying, so now were just being loving in other ways, just minus the full sex.
I watch porn alone, he knows i do and i know he does because we spoke about it.
Sometimes I get a pang of frustration when I know he has satisfied himself without me but I cant stop him and I certainly wont stop myself!
Im usually a 4 weekly full wax kind of girl but I only shave once in a while now because most sexual escapades are off the cards due to me being tired and uncomfortable for more than a kiss and a cuddle!
D x

 

[raisingingrid]

Reading your responses really help me, and I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I cried like a baby in front of him twice, but I don't think he got. I have finally stopped mentioning sex to him and he has definitely been more loving and caring towards me by giving me compliments and asking how I have been feeling. He is really tough to read, and I like getting things off my chest..so it's hard to communicate these kinds of things to him. I am so hit and miss and sometimes I have to stop myself and ask if it's really something I need to get mad over. When he is home alone and I know he doesn't have to work, or I am gone from the house and he is home, I am worried sick that he is watching porn and satisfying himself when I am not there. When I come home, I go full investigator throughout the house to see if he did. But when I know he is working and not at home while I am away, I am fine because I know he didn't satisfy himself while I was away, so it seems "fair" to me that neither of us are satisfied. It's a little selfish, but it makes me feel better. I really want to have a serious conversation with him this weekend when we have time to come to an agreeance on something. He doesn't know that I watch porn (i have twice since this whole ordeal came about) and I feel so guilty sometimes because I feel like im hiding something from him. Kissing and cuddling and hanging out and compliments are still there between us...so we haven't died completely...I just don't want to be replaced with porn or something/someone else.