In laws that smoke heavily

Discussion in 'Pregnancy Chat' started by Laura1992, Nov 25, 2016.

  1. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

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    My partner's parents are both really heavy smokers, and I'm worried about them visiting when the twins are born and stinking of smoke.. I don't know them very well, having only met his dad once and his mum twice, so not well enough to be straight with them that I'm really against smoking around babies and I'm not happy about second-hand smoke being breathed all over them either.

    I know I can't protect them forever from smoke, but I'll do my best while they are tiny and premature, at least. My partner had horrendous asthma as a child, and I do wonder whether it was aggravated by his parents smoking (their houses both stink of smoke and they smoke indoors).

    When I visited them in their homes while pregnant, they continued to smoke in the house and right in front of me. My partner did ask his dad to stop and he did, but didn't seem to see the problem.

    Anywayyyyy, I guess I'll have to ask them not to smoke anytime within a few hours of visiting? They'll be driving down from far, so I'm thinking they'll be straight on the ciggies soon as they're out the car. :roll:

    Anyone dealt with this situation before? I don't want to seem like a pain in the arse, but it does bother me a lot.
     
  2. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    Hi my parents smoke my mum alot! My dad would wait but my mum says well it didn't do you lot any trouble. However my brother has asthma but she says that's just unlucky.
    My hubby and I both do not smoke, I'm a ex smoker but still really hate it when they come over and stink of it and hold my baby but what can we do. I can't tell them not to come over and hold her it's their gran child. I do limit the time my baby is on their laps. My mum will be having my baby when I go back to work and she will go out to smoke but she never ever takes her coat of and I hate that my baby will be breathing that in.
    I think your partner can ask them not to smoke but if they got a long drive I think it's a little unfair. Id let them smoke but make sure their coats are of and they wash their hands and use mouth wash. Thats what my hv said to tell my mum. Or don't let them hold her for a hr or so.
    I'm totally with you on this but my baby is almost 6m and iv been having this row with my parents and they won't listen. So unless you really will not let them in or hold her they will smoke and it will cause arguments. They will have ago at their son and then you to will argue.
    It really bothers me but I'm learning to compromise and unfortunately in live we sometimes have to do that. If you can say no and mean it and follow it through regardless of how much shit it causes then good on you.
     
  3. BunnyN

    BunnyN Well-Known Member

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    Maybe ask your doctor or MW about it? Like that depending on what they say you can truthfully say something along the lines of "My doctor said to keep them away from second hand smoke because it is dangerous for premature babies". It might take some of the blame off you and give more authority to what you are saying.
     
    #3 BunnyN, Nov 25, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  4. KateK

    KateK Well-Known Member

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    Does your partner feel the same Laura? If so I'd ask him to be on smoke patrol and make it known to them your stance and how unacceptable it is.. I've been with my partner for 6 years and even still I feel uncomfortable asking his parents to do/not do things so completely understand the discomfort.. You are not being unreasonable at all, my partner's Dad and brother smoke and it made me seethe when they'd go out for a fag and then come in breathing all over my baby.. Even if it wasn't dangerous it's just not pleasant for a teeny baby to be inhaling that :( Luckily over the years they've more than got the message and don't go near Poppy when smoking and for a little while after and I expect the same with this baby.. It's a tricky situation but you are well within your rights to ask them not to, it's a very small sacrifice for them to be making for their vulnerable grandchildren.. xx
     
  5. KateK

    KateK Well-Known Member

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    This is a very good idea!! xx
     
  6. Onedaysoon25

    Onedaysoon25 Well-Known Member

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    I agree with Blueclass. Explain whilst the babies are small and at the most risk that can they please make sure that when they smoke they wear a coat and wash their hands afterwards before holding the babies. I think thats a perfectly acceptable compromise. I had no issues explaining this to friends and family when my DD was born, I proctected her by looking after myself during pregnancy the least I expect is family and friends to do the same once they are born.
    Please try to not let this worry you too much. They are so much stronger than we give them credit for. They won't be exposed to it regularly enough to cause them any harm, just make sure they do all they can to make you comfortable.

    Good luck x
     
  7. ams25

    ams25 Well-Known Member

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    I haven't spoken to my in - laws since my son was 3 week's old because I asked them not to smoke for a couple of hours before we took baby round and they refused and got really huffy about it saying I couldn't tell them what to do in their house :( it's a shame as it's led to a huge family argument which has lasted over a year now but I still stand by what I said and I was right to say it. Smoking around a tiny newborn is linked to a higher risk of cot death, no way was I increasing my baby's risk to avoid offending someone. It's such a tricky subject isn't it. I feel like the older generation of our parents and in - laws age have the opinion that they did things their way and their babies turned out fine, so they think all the modern 'rules' and guidance is a load of rubbish. Unfortunately they don't realise that not all babies were fine doing it the old way, they were lucky that theirs were but if modern research proves something is dangerous for babies why wouldn't you follow that? It makes me so mad! Xx
     
  8. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

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    My partner smoked until the day we found out that I was pregnant and then went cold turkey and hasn't touched one since. That was after 10 years of smoking! I used to smoke too, back in my student days, although only 2-4 per day and I was very careful about smoking around non-smokers and especially children (would move if they were standing in the bus stop waiting) and when I stayed with friends/family with children I wouldn't touch a cigarette even if it was for several days. I feel like it's our duty of care as adults that know better, and it's a shame that people get offended by that :(

    Anyway, I spoke with OH about it this evening and he agreed that it's a bit awkward, but said he would have a big problem with it too. He's said that he'll ask them not to smoke at least for 30 mins before seeing them, and to wash hands (which we'll ask everyone to do - smoker or not - in the first months I think).
     
    #8 Laura1992, Nov 25, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2016
  9. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    I think asking them to remove the top layer they smoke in and was hands is acceptable. My hv told me to tell my parents this and to use mouth wash. Second hand smoke is dangerous so we are right to be cautious.
    Also as they are coming to your house in think you have every right obviously not to allow smoke in the house ect and to wash hands. I don't agree with telling someone they can't smoke in their own house, if that's how people feel they shouldn't go and if those people really want to see baby they can come to yours. My family go outside when I'm there but of course the house stinks of it so we never stop of for more than a hr and we hardly go. I had a Hugh row with my family as they never come here and I said well she is not coming to yours as it stinks and makes our clothes smell and hers. Plus she is breathing in all the smoke from on the sofa ect and I don't like it. Iv said if they want to see her they know where we live.
     
  10. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

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    Yeah, it's totally fair enough what people do in their own homes. It was my only time in their homes when I went there pregnant. We went down to visit, and no exaggeration but every item of clothing in my suitcase (which was closed for the few hours we were in his mum's house) absolutely stank of smoke until I washed everything when I got home two days later.

    They probably know I'm not keen because when his mum came and met me for the first time, she and her partner wanted to sit in the pub garden and I made some comment about not wanting smoke blown all over me whilst pregnant, so could we sit inside instead. This was before I knew they smoked, so I felt a bit silly after because I think that's why they wanted to sit outside! Never mind, hopefully it got the point across.
     
  11. millielaura

    millielaura Well-Known Member

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    You are definitely within your rights to tell them no smoking 30 mins before, coats off, hands washed etc. My friend smokes and will definitely be telling her this. Even being around smokey things makes my asthma worse and they are teeny babies! Xxx

    Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk
     
  12. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    You are well within your rights. My OH parents used to smoke. They Vape now and so does OH. He doesn't Vape around me anymore and obv won't when baby arrives. He will tell them not to Vape when we are there now and when baby comes. It's a tiny sacrifice for baby's health. They can just go in the kitchen or something. I wouldn't have someone who smoked heavily breathing over baby and bubs stinking from their clothes. I agree, ask them to remove coat, wash hands and even use hand sanitiser and then mouthwash too. I think that's perfectly acceptable xx
     
  13. babybee

    babybee Well-Known Member

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    My brother and cousin are heavy smokers and with both kids i told them if I can smell smoke on them when they arrived then I wouldn't let them in the house. It worked!
    However I'm not sure id be confident saying that to my in laws!!! I think youve got lots of good advice from others to handle it tactfully and effectively. Good luck hun!x
     
    #13 babybee, Nov 26, 2016
    Last edited: Nov 26, 2016
  14. dolly26

    dolly26 Well-Known Member

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    My mother in law is a heavy smoker and my lg has never went near her house and she has only seen her 3 times for an hour each time as she can't stand the rules I have in my house so it's called tough. You are totally right to protect your babies.


     
  15. madsticks

    madsticks Well-Known Member

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    It is an awkward one, but I wouldn't be asking, I'd be telling. Doesn't matter if it's your inlaws, your parents, or your partner for that matter.
    As above I'd use your midwife or health visitor as the 'place of blame' and simply say:
    'we are looking forward to seeing you, the health visitor said not to let second hand smoke near the baby so to ensure this please make sure your last ciggie before arriving is at least half an hour, and that you remove your top layers on arrival. We wouldn't want you having to wait on the doorstep for 30mins would we! Also we've bought some hand sanitizer and special smokers mouthwash so you won't need to worry about bringing it with you or getting some on the way'

    There's nothing negative about saying that, no criticisms involved, it's just how it is and if they take offence, well, their problem. If they can't put their grand child before smoking or their own child's wishes before their own in his house then they are the ones with the issue.

    (from an ex smoker whose mum is a heavy smoker so I've had to have these discussions too).
     
  16. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    Agree with this.

    Washed hands top layer removed and mouthwash and or body spray and smoke out side. My mum used to smoke and when Jackson was small I'd tell her to do all that and she did what grand parent wouldn't for a wee cuddle from their grandchild?

    xxxx
     
  17. Laura1992

    Laura1992 Well-Known Member

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    Think i'm just going to pass the buck to OH for making sure his side of the family don't smell of smoke and wash hands! I'll be in charge of getting my side of the family to wash hands (none of them smoke so don't have to worry about that). Seems only fair, and he won't mind because he feels as strongly about it as I do luckily!
     
  18. lisey

    lisey Well-Known Member

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    Definitely get OH to do it. I wouldn't want to say it to my in-laws either but I know OH will as he already does xx
     
  19. violet13

    violet13 Well-Known Member

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    Erm yes you can absolutely tell them you are not okay with it! My parents smoke heavily too and I make them wash their hands and have mints before being near our son. They picked me and my son up to go home a few months back and I said you can't smoke in the car with him okay yes that's my parents but still it's your home your children I'd be firm but kind xxx
     
  20. JD.Deedee

    JD.Deedee Well-Known Member

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    My best friends mum stopped smoking when she had her second after 10+ years and I smoked at the time, I wasn't allowed to hold the baby. Simple as.

    Removing top layer clothing washing hands ect is the least they can do if they're really stubborn and selfish with their smoking!


     

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