In laws again :(

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Needhelp, Jun 30, 2016.

  1. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Sorry - huge rant I need to get off my chest. I've posted about my in laws before a while ago. My MIL in particular is very overbearing and doesn't listen to a word I say. Over the years I have just got used to it. Last Christmas though we had a huge bust up. She wanted FIL to dress up as santa. I said i didn't think it was a good idea. Next time we went round he was sitting dressed as santa. I was peed off but played along for sake of my son. But then he pulled his beard off and said 'look Santa's really grandad!'. My son was so upset. He was really scared. I knew they were going to do something weird which is why I said no in he first place! My OH was told from the start that santa isn't real. I'd told them that I didn't want them to tell my son that, and was told 'we can't lie to him'. But anyway, I'm getting off topic! So after that my husband had a quiet word and said very calmly 'that wasn't really fair - especially as we'd already said no'. MIL kicked off big time and said as a grandparent she could do what she wanted. She then used loads of emotional blackmail on OH saying he was ungrateful, a nasty son and how they had raised a child so we should respect their wishes. OH being the way he is caved and said how sorry he was and they went straight back to their overbearing ways.

    Again since then I've just kept a low profile and bite my tongue not wanting to cause arguments. But I can't take it anymore. They have him one day a week while I work. I prep all my son's meals so they don't have to worry about cooking. My son has bad constipation so I like to make sure he has a good range of fruit and veg. The last few weeks my son has come home and told me he's had pizza and chips for tea. God knows what happens to all the handmade food i give them! He also tells me about all the special 'treats' they give him (cakes, biscuits, crisps, ice cream all in one day!). Now I know that grandparents treat their grandkids. I'm fine with the odd treat, but it's just getting ridiculous. If I ask my son if he's had his fruit he'll say no 'nanny gave him biscuits instead'. Consequently he constantly wants biscuits and crisps at home now. But the thing that's upset me most was that we can't mention anything to her in case it upsets her! :( I asked OH if he can just say can we cut down to just one treat a day as hit constipation is so bad lately (which it is - we've had to up his medicine). OH said 'we can't do that because she'll get upset again'. I feel like she can do anything with my child and I just have to sit and agree with her.

    Another eg, I asked her to put suncream on my son because it was really hot. She replied 'he's in the shade'. I said 'yes but he burns really easily and doesn't mind having it on'. She said 'he's fine'. I looked at OH for back up and he shook his head as if to say 'don't push it". I'm just sick of it. Especially now I'm pregnant with number 2. I know I'm more hormonal and emotional but it's making me so sad :(.
     
  2. MamaJay

    MamaJay Well-Known Member

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    Oh no! Sorry but without sounding rude id be telling her were to go! The constant rudeness and total disregard for your sons diet is so cheeky! How you havent flipped your lid...
    With all due respect though, your man should be telling her straight. Its his mother. This cowering away and giving into emotional blackmail is a no no.
    He needs to tell her straight to back off.
    You're the mother now.. not her.

    Shes playing on power here. She knows if she bullys or guilt trips she gets her own way. Id of blown up by now... but thats only because i hatehatehate control freaks.

    Honestly? Get your partner to have words or tell her straight.
    If you fall out because shes a stubborn mare then so be it.
    Itll be her that misses out.

    Good luck love x
     
  3. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thank you Mama Jay. Was in tears this morning so just had to get it out my system. Sorry it was so long!! You've made me feel so much better. I just needed someone to tell me this is not ok. ThanK you so much x
     
  4. MamaJay

    MamaJay Well-Known Member

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    Aww hun mother in laws can be little mares! To put it nicely!!!

    Honestly youll find a lot of them have this weird perception that they still have their little boy. They can get jealous. Not all.... just some.

    I think also because us women being women usually rule the roost. Im guessing because all of a sudden its not her saying whats what, shes being a stubborn little brat.

    Honestly though hun i would really consider telling her to back off. If she kicks off with the emotional blackmail just say calmly 'listen hes my son and in my household this is how we things. If you dont like it tough. But if you continue to ignore me and my childs suffers because of your careless actions feeding him- then i wont bring him round anymore. Because my childs health comes first not YOUR approval of what he can and cannot eat.

    In short- tell her to eff off. Your son not hers.

    I know its hard i totally get it BUT to me she sounds like a typical control freak who is never told no.

    Xxx
     
  5. Aimee84

    Aimee84 Well-Known Member

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    Ditto mamajay, I would explain directly to them why the food you provide must be given but your son can have one treat during the day due to constipation. If they don't stick to it can you arrange alternative child care? I understand grandparents love to spoil grandchildren but there's a limit and they should respect that. Your child, your rules. X
     
  6. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thank you both. I really appreciate your time. I'm the least confrontational person ever so the whole thing is making me so so anxious. But I know you're right. I can't carry on with all this pent up anger. I go on maternity leave in a few weeks so I don't have to worry for much longer but it's the principle of things rather than the things themselves. I'm going to try. :)
     
  7. PeanutButter

    PeanutButter Well-Known Member

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    Is your OH a mummies boy? If it were me I'd ask my hubby wtf he is doing... basically choosing his mother over yourself. Made me mad when I read this. Id tell hubby I'd be quitting my job so she doesn't have to look after him once a week. They're grandparents, not his parents omg, why do they think they have more rights than you his own mother. I don't have kids yet, but I think my mil knows I won't be taking any shit. Before I had my first mc, we told them I was preg then everyone was basically acting like i was gonna pop it put and hand it over LOL. Nope. They was going on like oh no its not having any dummies, surely they'd be my choice... anyways I put it straight from there. Maybe you should just tell her straight? Even if it does piss her off, she couldn't make you feel guilty about anything could she. Do it when your hubby's not around and just have it out...xx
     
  8. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thanks Peanut butter. He is a complete mommy's boy though he doesn't realise it. He's an only child and his parents have always been quite manipulative to him to make him feel guilty about ever diagreeing with them. Thats one of the reasons Im so upset. Its like he values them over our own son :( They can be so so mean though if you do disagree. Honestly the reaction over the Christmas thing, you'd think we'd told her something awful. She kicks off like a toddler screaming and crying. You're right though - they already treat me like dirt, what have I got to lose?! Thanks all - it's helped so much just to get it off my chest. X
     
  9. tinselcat

    tinselcat Well-Known Member

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    For your sons sake you have to stand up to your in laws, it's his health which they are affecting- not very caring if that doesn't bother them, right?

    Is there any way you can reduce your dependence on them?

    If you don't say anything now they will never stop behaving like this and will probably only get worse.

    So what if it upsets them? It's upsetting you, even if you're mature enough not to have a tantrum about it. Are their feelings more important than yours? Are their wishes for their grandson more important than yours as a mother to your child? They should be bloody well more respectful. At the moment they're walking all over you guys and that sucks :( xx
     
  10. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thanks tinslecat. I've had another argument with OH about this. He said he doesn't want me saying anything and he'll sort it out. I honestly don't think he will (he is so scared of them it is just bizarre!) But i will give him the opportunity. In the meantime I will be leaving them a list in his lunch box reminding them of what he can and cannot eat. Perhaps that will help get the message through. Not long until maternity leave so I'm counting down the days.
     
  11. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    I second this.

    I do not understand how you haven't cracked yet. I guess with both my mum and OHS mum I've been straight up with them from the get go. So they are used to it now if I have an issue. Recently for me it's been my own mum over stepping the mark but I always have the word as it's my mum. If it's OHS mum then if she ignores him I have a word but it's very rare she bothers with him anyway.

    If your hubby doesn't nip it in the bud I would. It doesn't have to be a huge deal and if she makes it a huge deal then that's her issue. Your a grown woman and you have every right to casually warn her what you'd prefer your son eating. If she continues to ignore your wishes I'd not let him go alone. Sounds harsh but someone who continously ignores your parenting wishes I wouldn't leave my child around. MIL over fed Jackson against my wishes when he was small and she had him overnight and I spent the day with a sore grumpy baby so she didn't get him overnight for a good good while after that.

    She should understand better than anyone! She's a mother too!

    xxxxx
     
  12. Sparklegirl

    Sparklegirl Well-Known Member

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    I was getting angry on your behalf reading this. My husbands step father is an overbearing ar$e and it sounds like he and your MIL are a similar personality type. I am sadly not pregnant but I know how unbearable he will be when I am- he even demanded in his wedding speech to us that I best come back with a honeymoon baby!We have been treated very badly by them and I have spoken to my husband and it has been decided that if I do get pregnant we do not want to tell them because they will take over

    The suncream comment must have been infuriating- I burn with factor 50 when its reapplied often so for a child, is she simple not wanting him to have it on?! Your babies are exactly that, you get the final say with your husband, not the grandparents. If you specified the santa thing should not happen she has no right to overrule you and do it regardless- surely she would not have wanted to have seen the little lad upset so its so frustrating that she ignored you. With him being your son, you knew how he would react so some more respect is needed here not to mention boundaries

    Good luck with her starting to pay attention to his dietary requirements, she has to stop doing her own thing and listen to what she needs to do for his health.This whole post has had my blood boiling with rage for you, how dare anyone other than his parents think they know best! Sorry, I do try to be restrained and not be rude about other peoples families but sometimes I just cant help it!
     
  13. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thanks both. Really appreciated. Another frustrating week. When we went around my husband my husband said to her straight out 'we need to cut the junk food' and explained all about his constipation and giving him more fruit, etc. She denied all knowledge saying she 'rarely treats him' and doesn't give him stuff like that (I know this is a lie because my son can name different crisp types and we don't eat crisps!). But anyway, he said 'ok that's fine let's just keep it that way'. Anyway I decided to pick him up early and guess what was in the oven - pizza!!! MIL tried to make out it was for her tea later but then my little boy said 'grandad said its all for me'. I looked at her and said 'that is very naughty of grandad to say that. He knows it makes your yummy poorly'. MIL made out he just misheard. Anyway, she gave me all his fruit back saying he didn't want any of it because he doesn't like it. I said he loves it any other time. And she said 'no he doesn't like it, you can't keep forcing it down him. I explained again how he needs it to help with his digestion and I do not force food down my child. Her response is that 'some children have constipation, you can't do anything to change that'. Grrrr!! So anyway, I leave as I don't like arguing in front of my son. In the car, I ask my son about what he did today. He told me he went shopping and nanny got him a big chocolate cake. I said 'oh to share with nanny" and he said 'It was all for me... and I had two biscuits too'. SO ANNOYED! It's one thing to give him the food, but now she's just lying to us! I just don't know how to make her listen. My mom doesn't see her other grandkids and I know it breaks her heart so I am really trying my best here. But there is a clear lack of respect here! I am pretty sure she does half of this stuff just to try and prove she knows best.
     
  14. russellmuscle

    russellmuscle Well-Known Member

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    My MIL used to do it with BILs daughter. Put salt in the scrambled egg, give her a full easter egg at like 8am against specific instruction. So when I fell pregnant I was fully prepared to warn her what Id like/not like.

    Im sorry, MIL/mum or not, if shes lying to you with regards to your childs care I wouldnt be sending him. Your obviously getting yourself annoyed and arguing with OH through it aswell. Maybe she will learn to respect the rules and trust and in time get him back - and realize there are consequences to going against your rules then lying about it.

    Im probably a bit blunt but that would really annoy me, and rather than annoy myself time and time again, go through arguments and have my boy subjected to things I dont want him eating then so be it.

    xxxxx
     
    #14 russellmuscle, Jul 11, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2016
  15. Cathrine

    Cathrine Well-Known Member

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    That sounds awful! So sorry you don't have more understanding in laws - especially for your son! You shouldn't have to feel like that and I really understand that you're upset - I probably would not have held my tongue as well as you do!!

    My husbands parents safe .. Special people. His mother also resorts to emotional blackmail towards all of her children if she doesn't get her way (and makes her husband back her up with even more verbal abuse towards their 4 adult children). We're now expecting our first child and I've been scared that she might react that way towards our child or even my husband in front of our child. We've simply cut contact until she can behave. If she cannot behave and communicate like an adult, she has no place around my child.
    Since your MIL seems slightly more sensible (at least you have a relationship) I'd say that there's still hope at least! How about your FIL ? Can he be spoken sense into ? Maybe that would be the way to go?

    Hope you figure it out and please let us know of the hopeful progress!!

    Hugs from Las Vegas!!
     
  16. Needhelp

    Needhelp Active Member

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    Thanks both. I'm just so glad other people see it as a problem too - it'd nice to know I'm not being irrational.

    FIL is controlling like MIL but less vocal about it. There's no point talking to him because he'll just hide behind MIL. I just hate seeing them now.
     
  17. Blueclass

    Blueclass Well-Known Member

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    Las Vegas nice....!! Surrey here lol

    Anyway your mil sounds like a arse. I would not be letting.my child.go there if she is not going to listen to you. I feel she will not learn nor listen until you take action either lose ur shit with her or don't let him go. Even if it's for.a short time to make her realise you mean business x
     
  18. Aimee84

    Aimee84 Well-Known Member

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    Hiya I don't think your over reacting at all, I'd b furious too. My lg has just grown out of a dairy allergy and every family member knew to pass everything through us first. Since she's grown out of the allergy my parents in law give her the occasional biscuit, I don't mind that as I know they don't do it all the time plus they make sure she's eaten everything else I've prepared including all the fruit which fortunately she loves.

    I think the same as blueclass I wouldn't let your lo go there until she can b trusted, you could invite them to urs maybe and give all the normal food so they have no excuse for saying he doesn't like fruit etc. Maybe remind them that when he has a poorly tummy it's you that looks after him and sees him in pain not them.
    I wish you luck x
     

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